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Just venting about my mom.

I lover her. She is one of my best friends. I talk to her almost every day on the phone or OOVOO. She lives states away now and I really miss her, but sometimes she can really get me down.

What irritates me the most is how much she talks about how awful her mom (my grandma) makes her feel about herself. My grandma is very judgemental and manipulating and negative. I love her too, but it's the truth. My mom has always had issues with her and says how much she negatively impacts her life and looks down on every situation she makes. She always picks out the negative things or things she doesnt like and hones in on them.

Well it upsets me when my mom can't see that she does the same thing to me.

I've been talking about going through a nursing program and all my mom can do is cry and be upset because I didn't fulfill her dreams of me going through college for my bachelors that I'm always going to be at the bottom and never move forward. Makes me feel terrible like I'm this huge disappointment.

I would love to tell her how much she SOMETIMES acts like my grandmother, but I know that would break her heart. 

Thanks for letting me vent. And just so you all know... I'd really prefer not to get negative comments here. Just wanted to vent. : )

Re: Just venting about my mom.

  • Vent heard. :)

    I know the feeling. My mom doesn't do quite the same thing, but we're very close, and I often find myself struggling to decide exactly what is okay to say to her. You know how with your very best friends, you're willing to say things you would never be able to say to someone else? You can tell them that you think they overreacted to the latest family drama or that you're worried about their drinking. I can just never decide how much of that I can say to my mom.

    Do you ever feel like your relationship would be more honest and better in the long run if you could tell her gently that she's acting like her mother? In other words, would she recover enough eventually to appreciate that you felt close enough to say something?

  • I think it would be better if you said something in a light way "oh mom, you sound just like grandma!" or "wow mom, is that YOU on the phone, or grandma?!?"

    Would it "break her heart?" maybe, but it's something she can change.  I think you would have a better relationship with her if you were honest.  If she is one of your best friends, you should be able to talk to her honestly.

    My mom did similar things (debbie downer more than critical of me) and I ended up phoning her less.   

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I wonder if your own mother also feels the same pressure to shield her mother from her real feelings. Maybe you don't have to be brutal or mean, maybe you just have to respond to her differently. You see the cycle. I wonder if you could adjust your role in it to get a different outcome?
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Thanks for understanding ladies! I may say something next time she starts to get negative, but we'll see.
  • It's not always about "saying" something, its about changing your entire response. Because I have a feeling that you have 'said something' in the past and you've gotten a big emotional guilt trip reaction. So, it's just part of the cycle where she expresses how much she loves and adores you by picking at your decisions and then has a big emotional response when you tell her it hurts your feelings. I'm talking about changing your response. What would be a completley different way to react to your mother when she cries about how disappointed she is?
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • image livinitup:
    It's not always about "saying" something, its about changing your entire response. Because I have a feeling that you have 'said something' in the past and you've gotten a big emotional guilt trip reaction. So, it's just part of the cycle where she expresses how much she loves and adores you by picking at your decisions and then has a big emotional response when you tell her it hurts your feelings. I'm talking about changing your response. What would be a completley different way to react to your mother when she cries about how disappointed she is?

     

    I honestly don't know how to do it without hurting her.

  • Why would you not want to tell her? Apples don't fall far from the tree. And since she acts like her mom, doesnt it worry you that you will someday act like the ttwo of them? Time to shut this down.

    I seriously recommend therapy for you, to break out of this pattern. It's really ugly.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • image KDJD2012:

    image livinitup:
    It's not always about "saying" something, its about changing your entire response. Because I have a feeling that you have 'said something' in the past and you've gotten a big emotional guilt trip reaction. So, it's just part of the cycle where she expresses how much she loves and adores you by picking at your decisions and then has a big emotional response when you tell her it hurts your feelings. I'm talking about changing your response. What would be a completley different way to react to your mother when she cries about how disappointed she is?

     

    I honestly don't know how to do it without hurting her.

    There isn't a way. This is your choice here. Let her keep hurting you (and others, I am sure; you cannot be the only person she's a bittch to) or say something, hurting her a bit but helping her to stop this pattern.

    I'd try a "wow, THANKS GRANDMA I MEAN MOM" sort of remark, with a big laugh at the end of it. She may or may not realize how she sounds, but regardless of how you say it she'll be defensive and a bit stung. If it gets her to think about it, great. If it doesn't, you have lost nothing.

    And therapy. Therapy. Counselling. Help. There are easy ways to get help through this kind of thing. You can do it.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • What I can't figure out is how she can be disappointed about you going to nursing school.  

    If she starts to dismiss your ambition, I would look her in the eye and say

    "Mom, I have a dream to help people.  This field will pay well and give me financial security as well as the incredible satisfaction of caring for others.  Please give me 100% of your support.  If you can't support me, please don't tear down my dream."

     

    My mother is just like yours.  You can't change them.  You can just selectively hear them. 

  • image DaringMiss:

    What I can't figure out is how she can be disappointed about you going to nursing school.  

    If she starts to dismiss your ambition, I would look her in the eye and say

    "Mom, I have a dream to help people.  This field will pay well and give me financial security as well as the incredible satisfaction of caring for others.  Please give me 100% of your support.  If you can't support me, please don't tear down my dream."

     

    My mother is just like yours.  You can't change them.  You can just selectively hear them. 

    Exactly. I will say something. I just don't know when. I wouldn't say my mom is a *** however, like PP suggested. I know that she just wanted to see her kids get their Degrees because she never did.

  • I think just saying something even along the lines of Mom, I don't think you realize when you say things like --- you are what you complain your own mother being to you. I don't want to be on the phone years from now with my own daughter complaining about you.

    I'd step it up each time and be more forceful.

  • I absolutely think you should say something.  She probably either doesn't realize she's doing the same thing her mother did to her or she does, but even though she know it's not right, it's the only way she knows how to be because that is what she's been taught.  I'm inclined to think it's the latter.

    Also, like pps said don't defend your choice.  Nursing is a noble profession, and one not to be looked down upon.  Say "This is my choice, I am happy with it, and hope that you can be too.  If, however, you cannot please keep it to yourself".

    She may get defensive and say she's trying to help and your response should be it's not helpful and repeat as necessary.   If after that she doesn't get the point, simply state it's not up for discussion and change the subject and/or remove yourself from her presence, whether that's the phone or leaving the same setting.

      

  • You could also say "you know what mom?  When you criticize my choice, it hurts my feelings.  I know you might have different goals for me, but this is my choice and I don't like you crying about what might have been.  How can we solve this?  Would you prefer that I don't talk about nursing school or my career with you?  If it is that upsetting to you, then I can keep our talks to shopping and my weekend plans.  Let me know what you prefer."

    I would also add (but not tell your mom, b/c you don't want to argue your choice with her, just allow her to let you make your own choices without a guilt trip) that nursing is a great career for women, and pays enough that now men are entering the field.  There are a number of nurses on my block and with kids in dd's school, b/c it is a great way to combine motherhood with career (not sure if that is your goal).  If you have a steady schedule, you can plan your children's activities around your off days.  Also, my mom got an RN and later returned to school for a BSN (and skipped a number of courses) - it IS possible!

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image KDJD2012:

    I lover her. She is one of my best friends. I talk to her almost every day on the phone or OOVOO. She lives states away now and I really miss her, but sometimes she can really get me down.

    What irritates me the most is how much she talks about how awful her mom (my grandma) makes her feel about herself. My grandma is very judgemental and manipulating and negative. I love her too, but it's the truth. My mom has always had issues with her and says how much she negatively impacts her life and looks down on every situation she makes. She always picks out the negative things or things she doesnt like and hones in on them.

    Well it upsets me when my mom can't see that she does the same thing to me.

    I've been talking about going through a nursing program and all my mom can do is cry and be upset because I didn't fulfill her dreams of me going through college for my bachelors that I'm always going to be at the bottom and never move forward. Makes me feel terrible like I'm this huge disappointment.

    I would love to tell her how much she SOMETIMES acts like my grandmother, but I know that would break her heart. 

    Thanks for letting me vent. And just so you all know... I'd really prefer not to get negative comments here. Just wanted to vent. : )

    Are  the  bolded your mom's exact words ?  If so, I would use the exact words she uses to describe your grandmother and use them on her.  If your mother does use words like "negatively impacting her life " or " Looks down on every decisions she makes"  then say the same things  right back at her. It might hurt her feelings, but that is ok, it truly is.  Sometimes it is unavoidable and is the only way to give some people perspective.  I have had to hurt my parent's feelings a few times too, but it was the only way for me to have strong boundaries.  I know I didn't do it to be mean or cruel, but I didn't have any choice because beating around the bush and sugarcoating wasn't working.  Sometimes it is just a part of growing up and becoming an adult. 

  • You NEED to tell her that what she says upsets you. Unless of course you want her to continue to berate you and make you feel like a piece of crap. How would expressing that to your mom break HER heart? Dont let her walk all over you 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image KDJD2012:

    image livinitup:
    It's not always about "saying" something, its about changing your entire response. Because I have a feeling that you have 'said something' in the past and you've gotten a big emotional guilt trip reaction. So, it's just part of the cycle where she expresses how much she loves and adores you by picking at your decisions and then has a big emotional response when you tell her it hurts your feelings. I'm talking about changing your response. What would be a completley different way to react to your mother when she cries about how disappointed she is?

     

    I honestly don't know how to do it without hurting her.

    But youre willing to sacrifice your own feelings so she can verbally beat you up? I dont get this. She is hurting you too 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • If it were me, I'd tell her that this is what happens when you dream for someone else instead of yourself - that someone else tends to have their own dreams that make yours irrelevant.  And I'd stop talking to her every damn day.

    I don't believe for one single moment that your mom is your best friend.  Best friends, or friends at all, meet as equals.  In your situation, there is a huge power imbalance where she gets to nitpick you, and you have to take it and wring your hands over her feelings.  That's not what friendships are like at all.

    image
  • I read your vent. No negativity.

    I lost my mother two months ago and there is heated tension between my family and me. I will leave it at that to be shared for another post. 

  • She sounds nice.  I vote tell her, I bet she would be horrified and start to change the pattern.  Or you could just continue the cycle and your daughter can one day post about you on the nest.
  • Isn't it sad the things that we learn about our mothers as we grow older? I've been dealing with a lot of problems with my mother as well. I hope that your problems can resolve soon! Lots of luck :)
    Trying to Conceive Ticker
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