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What feels like an impossible relationship between my mom and my sweetie....ugh

**Please note I am not condoning FB as a great way for two people to get to know one another.**

So the lowdown...

Mom: liberal, voicing opinioning even if you don't want it, non-religious, non-traditionalist, sometimes immasculates my stepdad, loving, caring person, and means well.

Me in their eyes: loving, caring, but my mom handles me as a child and thinks my complete outlook on life matches hers exactly to the T. It doesn't I'm more like my SW and very traditional in my thinking of relationships. And politics- hang in the balance. I'm free-thinking on different topics and others not so much.

Sweetie: conservative, hard-headed, opinionated, religious, traditionalist, loving, caring, and does not want opinions from other people unless asked.

 Situation: All started with a post that my SW posted a status on FB regarding politics. Thinks most politicians are vermin <--note this word> and that we need to clean out the white house, congress, etc.ok. My mom took it from a racial standpoint and accused him of being racist and that Nazi's used the word "vermin" in reference to Jews. Totally off topic but an opinion and insight of what he was saying in her words. (doesn't help that my SW is of german background-not that matters to me). Anyway, it escalated into a big thing and my SW placed another post asking for "individuals" to allow him to work his first amendment and not play FB Police. Clearly we know who that was for. So my mom called me up crying hysterically and then going onto accusitory and then hurtful. She didn't like my SW and felt like I could do better. I was making a mistake and this all happened after he and I had gone ring shopping and she found out from my Stepdad that we talked about it in passing. (my parents are separated) Again, I hadn't had time to call my mom and give her the weekly update as we live 700+ miles away. Which I think is very hard for her as we've always been close. Now my SW can't stand that she just yells at me and makes me feel bad for making choices and decisions on my own. He feels that she manipulates me and takes things out on me. NOW I've sort of stepped up to my mother w/o trying to hurt her feelings. I've explained what my SW meant and that maybe they should not be friends on FB, b/c clearly its not a positive way to get to know someone. So I had my SW delete her off of his, b/c I would've spent an hr just trying to walk my mom through it. She's trying to be supportive but I know she's more ambivilant towards me now after all this....she's gone as far as to accuse me of going dress shopping w/ my SW's aunt and doing things out here and not including her.....WE ARE ENGAGED YET.We've done our ring shopping and we're waiting til my SW finishes school. I can't stand I'm thrown in the middle and my SW swears once we're married he's going to tell her what he would like from her and not like. I doubt he'll remember...i just know he dislikes seeing me walked on so much and beat down for my choices.

SO what should I do? I don't want to ignore my mom, but I'm trying to build a relationship w/ my SW and a life too. This is the man I'm going to marry and she already seems to hate the thought. *sigh*

Re: What feels like an impossible relationship between my mom and my sweetie....ugh

  • I am sorry to have to ask this, but what does SW stand for?
  • image julie324:
    I am sorry to have to ask this, but what does SW stand for?

     

    ETA:  Is it sweetie?  You guys need to not even follow each other on FB.  That is step one.

  • SW- sweetie

     

    2. Yea i've had that fixed a while back. So neither of them can be friends on FB. I've told her that if she wants to get to know him, give a call, text, or email him. Its not that hard.

  • So, your mother hears that her daughter's boyfriend is getting ready to shop for a ring to propose and her response is to post a FB message that he's a racist who uses Nazi language. And then she bitterly complained to you when he responded with a post about his first amednment rights and avoiding FB Police.

    She doesn't seem to hate him, she seemed to directly and deliberately blow-up our relationship. Your mother is completely at fault here. Completely. How you respond is your choice. But she will never change and you need to admit that to yourself and your boyfriend before he proposes. He needs to walk into your life together with his eyes wide open.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • You need to quit allowing yourself to be in the middle of it.  Your BF need not make snarky FB comments directed at your mother (really, what the heck did he think was going to happen by doing that)?  That was not very mature of him.   If he had an issue with her response, he could have easily deleted it or PM'd her.  Alternatively, he could have attempted to have a constructive debate with her instead.  He handled that situation extremely poorly, and I'm not surprised that your mother reacted the way she did.

     I agree with removing your mother from your BF's Facebook.  But I can't stop SMH at how your BF handled that situation.  If the water is already choppy, why in creation would he do something like that?  No wonder your mom doesn't like him.   

    EDIT:  I re-read the post again.  At first, I get the understanding that she is trying to entice debate.  But reading PP, I see the POV that she antagonized your BF.  I still disagree with how he handled it, but I see your mother's fault after considering PPs viewpoint. 

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  • Just continue to be polite to your mother, and your significant other should do the same. Hopefully she will come around once she sees that he's a nice person. Don't engage her in any arguments ... "Mom, we are not engaged nor are we preparing for a wedding. If that changes then you will be the first to know." End of conversation. You don't have to listen to anyone screaming at you, and it's not rude if you refuse to engage in a yelling match: "Mom, you are clearly too upset to talk right now. I'll call you in a couple days once you've calmed down. Love you, bye!"

    However, hopefully this will be a lesson to the two of you not to discuss things like religion, politics, etc., with anyone, especially loved ones. Your SO shouldn't be putting inflammatory things on Facebook if he's not prepared or willing to deal with any potential fallback.

    And honestly, I don't get why anyone (not just your SO) thinks that anybody really gives a shiit about their personal thoughts on politics/etc., anyway. People who post crap like this are the people whose newsfeeds and comments I quickly hide so that I don't have to deal with them. That goes for liberals and conservatives and everything in between, so I'm not referring to the actual content of your SO's posts.

    No matter how nice or hard-working someone is, I for one find it to be incredibly unattractive when people use Facebook/etc. to constantly spout out their political beliefs. Your mother is wrong to label your SO as an awful person because he posted something political, but I don't really think it's out of line for her to be annoyed that he posted it. Your SO wasn't wrong about his First Amendment rights, but frankly that comeback just makes him sound obnoxious and like he just put that post out there to be an instigator and pick a fight with whoever happened to respond to the contrary. I'm sure your SO is a very nice man, but I'm just telling you how it might be coming across to other people.

    This is probably a good excuse for your SO to stop making Facebook posts like this in general. Not only because I'll bet that nobody's interested in reading it, but also so that he can avoid drama like the situation with your mother. I'd be willing to bet you that, if he stopped posting stuff like this, nobody is going to miss it or ask him why he's no longer posting it.

    Mom needs to calm down and SO needs to realize that he doesn't always need to put his opinion out there.

    image
  • I love both people and I find w/ any form of written communication can be misinterpretted. 

     

    I wasn't pleased w/ how my SW retaliated, and I definitely voiced that to him.

     

    My mom has def come back asking "who's her daughter." and "wheres her sweet girl". .... annoying.
    She also asks stupid questions like "why are you with him." or "are you two getting married." PLEASE NOTE THAT I MOVED OUT FROM THE EAST COAST TO THE MIDWST FOR A JOB AND MY SW WHO'S IN THE MILITARY. IF I WASN'T 110% SURE THAT THIS IS WHAT I WANTED, I WOULDN'T HAVE MOVED. Tried explaining that to her and its not sticking. I feel like i have to defend my relationship. and I want there to be a reasonable r.ship between everyone. He gets along just fine w/ my Stepdad.

    I defintely don't want to or try to be in the middle in fact this whole thing blindsided me b/c I don't stalk my own SW's FB page. Its a little crazy and I know he has his own opinions. I just don't need to see it b/c I hear it..so when I found this all out it was news to me. On top of that my mom contacts me....just me and I've told her to reach out to Tyler b/c the problem lies between them. Also she spoke w/ some of my family members who have yet to meet them and one family member in person who happens to be Jewish and now b/c i don't frequently speak with them on a regular basis they may have pre-determined thoughts of who Tyler is w/o even knowing him. Tyler wants my mom to apologize to my family members for passing on false information and ideas. B/c he's not that person, and I don't know what she exactly told them...she just told me my Jewish family member was disgusted.

  • That stinks for sure.  The only advice I can give to you is to shut your mom down.  By that, I mean the next time she asks you a (rude) question like, "Why are you with him" respond with "Who I choose to be with is not open for discussion."  Don't even give her the chance to talk about it.  If she persists, end the conversation.  

    At some point, we have to break that control our parents have over us.  You are an adult.  You have chosen to be with SW and your mothers behavior towards your relationship is inappropriate.  Let her know that it is not acceptable, and that you will not entertain anymore conversations about it. 

    Hopefully she'll get the message eventually!  Good luck. 

     

    EDIT: As for defending your relationship to other family members... don't.  By doing that you will inadvertently badmouth (by implying/saying she is a liar) your mother.  That makes both of you look bad.  Just ignore it and eventually they will form their own opinions in time.  

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  • Your mom keeps questioning your relationship because you keep providing her with explanations. She's getting exactly what she wants from you, and she thinks that if she argues with you long enough you'll run out of explanations. She thinks that your life choices need approval because, by defending them and arguing with her, you are telling her that you need her approval.

    So, you need to shut her down.

    I am assuming that you are a legal adult, you support yourself, you don't rely on your mother for money or shelter, correct? If so, then it doesn't matter what she thinks of your relationship or your life choices. Yes, it'd be nice if she could be more supportive, but you cannot control someone else's actions, words or feelings. You can only control your own. (But if you DO depend on her for anything, then cut the cord and support yourself.)

    Next time she calls and bugs you about this, simply say, "Mom, I am safe and I am happy with my life choices. I am not going to discuss those choices any further with you." Then change the subject. If she won't knock it off, say, "I am not going to discuss this any further with you. Goodbye" and hang up the phone. Shut her down often enough and she will eventually get it.

    Stop explaining yourself, stop defending your choices or your significant other, STOP DISCUSSING THIS WITH HER. She can biitch about your choices until she's blue in the face, but ultimately it's your own fault if you choose to sit there and listen to it or argue with her. You have 100% control over this situation, and you can end an unpleasant conversation in an instant by hanging up the phone and ignoring her calls until she gets it through her head that you are not seeking her approval for your life choices.  

    image
  • image missmari387:

    B/c he's not that person, and I don't know what she exactly told them...she just told me my Jewish family member was disgusted.

    Your mother described your boyfriend as a racist who uses Nazi language to family members? But your not sure what she exactly said  - and your conserned that this person *might* have a poor view of your boyfriend before you get a chance to meet.

    I'm stunned that you're taking your mother's attacks to your boyfriend so lightly. That you're trying to convince her "that he didn't mean it that way", instead of being horrified that she's spreading this horrid nonsense around.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Oh I have. I have had the convo of these are my choices. I don't feel like she likes me on my own.

    I mean I don't talk about these things. I've shut her down once and told both of them that when they are ready to build a friendship don't involve me.

     Its just a strain.

  • Im unsure of how i should approach her. I told her to stop talking to people about it and if she needs outside support on the matter don't falsify information or portray Tyler as someone who's that way.... she came back defensive "oh so i guess if i have a problem i should just keep it to myself and not tell anyone." my response was "yes, esp if it offends myself and Tyler." she has yet to comment on the subject.

     

    Some time has passed and I don't know how i should bring up her apologizing to family members she spoke to. Esp if she doesn't plan to...do i need to approach those family members myself?

  • Unfriend both of them on FB and tell them not to talk about it with you.
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  • @Sue_sue That seems a little too extreme. We're not talking about two hs friends who don't get along and i'm caught in the middle. This is my mother and my boyfriend. I live with one and was raised by the other. Can't just unfriend them like that on FB. Creates more drama.

  • Is there a reason that your mom (presumably) thinks your BF is antisemitic?
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  • Tell your service member boyfriend that the UCMJ supersedes his First Amendment rights and that it's prejudicial to good order and discipline to call the President of the United States vermin. And just gross.

    My FIL and I do not agree about politics, at all. Neither do H and FIL. Once FIL was quite rude to me about a political issue. H severely altered his relationship with FIL because of it. We were only dating at the time. Had the relationship between them not been altered, we would not have graduated from "sweeties" to spouses. 

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • image missmari387:

    This is my mother and my boyfriend. I live with one and was raised by the other. Can't just unfriend them like that on FB. Creates more drama.

    In reading all of this overall, I don't think you shut your mother down nearly as clearly as you think you do.  Especially w/ this comment above.  I think you give your mom a  LOT more power in your life than you realize and until you give yourself permission to really stand up to her, to really say "no" to her, these problems will never go away.  Yes, she's your mom.  But she's also just a person and you should expect to be treated w/ respect by her like you would anyone else in your life.  Her being your mother doesn't excuse this.

    For you to even say "was raised by the other" makes me wonder if that's a line she's used on YOU in the past in order to guilt you. 

    And really.... if you can't unfriend someone on FB because of the drama it will create, then you are all giving FB WAY too much power in your lives too.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
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  • I don't think there's a given reason. I think she takes a lot of what his opinion is differently and maybe not intentionally.

  • Again he was not referring to POTUS. He was referring to politicians.

     

    My mother decided to take it that way. There's more than just POTUS in the White House....got a whole cabinet of politicians.

     

    I don't know how to explain it to you. I'm well aware of teh UCMJ. Nothing will change my relationship with my mother....If she and he decide to just be polite and respectful towards one another I can live with that. Hopefully one day things will be different.

  • image missmari387:

    Again he was not referring to POTUS. He was referring to politicians.

     

    My mother decided to take it that way. There's more than just POTUS in the White House....got a whole cabinet of politicians.

     

    I don't know how to explain it to you. I'm well aware of teh UCMJ. Nothing will change my relationship with my mother....If she and he decide to just be polite and respectful towards one another I can live with that. Hopefully one day things will be different.

    Please. If someone says the White House is full of vermin, they're including the President and it's not appropriate. Secretary Panetta and the joint chiefs are there too, which makes it even more inappropriate.

    And someone in your life has to come first. My H chose me instead of his father. If I were your SO, I'd think long and hard about marrying someone who wouldn't choose me. Of course, politics and people who can elevate debate were also important to me when choosing a mate. And I wouldn't have married a service member who uses his FB to call his bosses names, but that's all beside the point. 

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • nobody has yet mentioned just how weird it is to make a leap from "politicians are vermin" to anti-semitism, and accusing him of being a Nazi, AND TELLING JEWISH RELATIVES HE IS ANTI-SEMITIC!!!

    Your mother's actions were cruel, to your sweetie and to your relative. I would be uber-pissed!!!!!!!!

     

    She has to be accountable for her behaviour. Why so much sweetie bashing? It doesn't sound so bad, what he posted, and certainly doesn't sound like anythign she has accused him of (granted I'm a Canadian leftie so my FB friends complain about politics all of the time...)

     

    She clearly has other issues in her life than his FB post and is lashing out

  • Thank you.

     

    Tyler and I don't agree 100% on politics, and sometimes to avoid the subject all together we just don't talk about it.

     

    I mean no one can say that every service member LOVES their president. I find that bs, but if they agree w/ the current presidents politics good for them if not, thats ok too.

     

    His exact statement was:

    " We need to clean out the White House. Too many vermin in there. Time for some newbies."

     

    I agree that future in-laws and significant others probably should never discuss politics, religion, etc....someone ends up always hurt. But its his FB, he can do what he wants with it within reason. I don't patrol it. Now if my mother interjects her opinion on his FB, ok so she does. How he handles himself may not always be the greatest way, but he does have a lot of growing to do internally....and he does have PTSD; so most days are trials in their own. He loves me very much, and I love him. I calm his soul and he empowers me to do my best at everything.

     

  • "And someone in your life has to come first. My H chose me instead of his father. If I were your SO, I'd think long and hard about marrying someone who wouldn't choose me. Of course, politics and people who can elevate debate were also important to me when choosing a mate. And I wouldn't have married a service member who uses his FB to call his bosses names, but that's all beside the point."

     

     

     

    I'm sorry I don't understand this......where have I made any statement that he wasn't choosing me? We chose eachother and thats why I'm feeling pulled in the middle. I understand my mother's pov and Tylers reaction wasn't handled appropriately.

  • Your "sweetie" sounds really annoying.  And your mom sounds BSC. 

     

    Also, you're making a lot of excuses for him.  I don't care that there is more than the POTUS in the White House.  If I was working at Target, and I said "The headquarters of Target is full of vermin.  Time for some newbies."  on my FB wall that would look unprofessional as sh*t.  If he's as "conservative and traditional" as you say I HIGHLY doubt he was meaning "everyone EXCEPT the President and the joint chiefs of staffs are vermin."

    image

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  • image missmari387:

    "And someone in your life has to come first. My H chose me instead of his father. If I were your SO, I'd think long and hard about marrying someone who wouldn't choose me. Of course, politics and people who can elevate debate were also important to me when choosing a mate. And I wouldn't have married a service member who uses his FB to call his bosses names, but that's all beside the point."

     

     

     

    I'm sorry I don't understand this......where have I made any statement that he wasn't choosing me? We chose eachother and thats why I'm feeling pulled in the middle. I understand my mother's pov and Tylers reaction wasn't handled appropriately.

    I was talking about you not choosing him. You said you're not altering your relationship with your mother over this.

    I have plenty of conservative service member friends who manage not to call their bosses vermin.  

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
  • Your mother and your boyfriend are both acting foolishly here.

    And seriously the poster who's all pissed that this girl's boyfriend in the military is dissing the president.  He's allowed to do that.  He can call the president whatever horrible name he wants.  It is his right.  Even if he wears the uniform.  Good grief.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • @sprky79 - Thank you. I mean inactive military is still military. But its his personal opinion of politicians. Doesn't matter if they are democrat or republican....he still has a personal distaste for them.

     

    I don't WANT to punish my mother for having her own opinion, and by washing my hands of the entire thing feels like i'm letting both down. Tyler knows I love my mother and that I love him. He's well aware of how she can easily tell me off and not feel bad or push her beliefs. I mean sometimes we have mothers who are like that. Ce la vie. I'm not making excuses for either of them. I'm giving detailed recaps of how i handled each side. So maybe I'm the one who didn't handle the situation when approached correctly. I don't want my mother to feel punished, and I don't want Tyler to feel I don't support him....hence being stuck in the middle.

    I'm visiting my mom here soon and I think just in general being my first time away from home she's struggling to manage and cope so she says whats on her mind as she's entitled too.

  • image sprky79:

    Your mother and your boyfriend are both acting foolishly here.

    And seriously the poster who's all pissed that this girl's boyfriend in the military is dissing the president.  He's allowed to do that.  He can call the president whatever horrible name he wants.  It is his right.  Even if he wears the uniform.  Good grief.

    That's actually not true. It's against Article 88 and 134 of the Uniform code of Military Justice. And I would be saying the same stuff if someone else were in the white house.

    But I said multiple times that what her sweetie Tyler said is beside the point and that I think that if my IL called me names, that I would expect it to alter the relationship between my H and his parent. Or if my H had agreed with his parent, then I would have expected the relationship to end.

    I've seen a lot of military surprise homecomings. It wouldn't work on me. I always have my back to the corner and my face to the door. Looking for terrorists, criminals, various other threats, and husbands.
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