June 2008 Weddings
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IF / TTTC, come in

Hoping you ladies can help.  My best friend and College roommate is my age, been married for 7 years and doesn't have kids.  All our friends have kids and many social events incl the kids and, I don't know, I'm just sensitive to it b/c I have no idea if she has IF or is having TTTC or just doesn't want kids.  How can I find out without being a nosy insensitive biitch when I just want to be a caring friend with no agenda?

Background: We were very close in College but jobs and marriage have distanced us some.  We are still the kind of people though that can see each other or pick up the phone and pick up where we left off.  Thing is, she is not a very warm and fuzzy  let-me-tell-you-about-my-feelings type person.  That's my job in our relationship, lol. 

So, I have been trying to find a way for a while to just get a check on where she stands.  If she's having TTTC is doing things w/ us and the kids brutal?  Maybe if I knew I could help mitigate that (suggest kid-less things, etc) Or, does she just not want kids but loves seeing all of ours? 

I don't know I feel like it's just such a sensitive topic that I'm not sure how to bring up.  Maybe the answer is that I don't ask - but I'd like to know that too.


Re: IF / TTTC, come in

  • In my group of friends, a couple of us have talked about it, but some are more like your friend and don't say much about feelings or really personal things. I think it's one of those things you let her say if she wants to. Plan things with and without the kids and she can choose whether she goes.

    The hardest part for me is when people tell me that it's "your turn now" or something like that. First, it's not really anybody's "turn", but really, you don't need to tell me that...you saying that doesn't make it any easier to conceive!! It's nice that you're sensitive to this--I would just let her say something if she wants to.

  •                If you guys are not super close and don't really talk about stuff like that anyway, then I don't think there is any way to really ask her.  You can always say something like "So, do you think you'll ever have kids?" which gives her the option to open up and say "I'd like that, but we are struggling with IF." or "No, I don't want kids." or "Maybe someday." or she can lie to you.  But, she may be offended that you asked and if she is struggling with IF, that can be a really painful question.  So, I would probably leave it alone.
  • You know I'm very open about our IF but not everyone is.  Do you e-mail her often?  Maybe that or a FB message.  That way she can chose to respond or not & take her time to write what she feels is appropriate. 

    You could also caually bring it up in person too, but it might make th rest of the meeting akward.  If you want to bring it up do son 1-on-1 because not all women may be as thoughtful as you & might try to give her "advice", which most of us infertiles hate.

    Social events with kids can be hard @ times for those dealing with IF.  I know I've had a no baby shower rule for about 2 years now.  I still play Candyland with my 3 y.o. godson & enjoy every minute of it, but of course when I get home I have a bit of a cry we've ben TTC so long he could be mine.  Anyways, I'm thankful that even though I'm the only one in my group of 8 close friends without kids they look @ me as their opportunity for adult time, lol.  I just got a text today from my friend Nicole asking if we were still on for margaritas on Sunday! 


    TTC since 2008

    8 IUIs of varying med combos: all BFNs

    IVF #1 w/ICSI (Long Lupron): 5R, 2M, 1F

    3dt of 1 = BFFN

    IVF #2 w/ICSI (Antagonist): 10R, 8M, 4F

    3dt of 2 = BFMFN

    1 frosty just chillin'

    IVF #3 (Antagonist): started stims 12/15

    <a href="http://tinyurl.com/lsojsn">Click here to look inside my warped little infertile mind</a>
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