Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Need a Diplomatic Response

Bullet point background

- I'm pregnant and due in early-mid July

- My sister is throwing a baby shower & offered to invite MIL's people if she wanted - sister calls MIL to offer

- MIL asks me what I want (her to join or throw her own), I told her it's up to her 

- MIL tells me she would prefer to join and not throw her own (too much work, her knees hurt, etc), I said fab - MIL & sister talk, combined shower is set for day in May everyone seems happy

 

Fast forward to today

My MIL called my husband to ask his advice about showers (to which I laughed because at his own statement, he knows nothing about showers, which is what he told his Mom).  MIL asks husband what he thinks about her now throwing her own shower.  She says the weekend is busy and there will be too many people at the shower.  But she helped set the date and I have no idea where she is getting the number she suggested (80 people - my family is big, but not that big).  So I'm flabbergasted - this is the same BS I dealt with for my bridal shower (which is why my sister invited MIL to have a joint shower) and I have no idea how to respond.

Here are my options as I see them

1) Tell her fine, throw your own shower (except my sister likely booked a place based on the number with MIL's people and I feel bad her potentially paying more to just have my MIL back out)

2) Tell her to call my sister and let my sister deal with it (that's a total cop-out, but I know either my sister or mother would deal with my MIL because they want me to be stress-free as it relates to the shower)

3) Ask her what is really going on and why she agreed to a joint shower in the first place on the weekend she agreed if that wasn't what she wanted (seriously, she's 60, why can't she just be an adult?)

4) Any suggestions?

So #2 is out because it is a total cop-out.  #1 seems fine - makes the problem go away, but individual problems go away and major problems persist.  #3, eh, I don't know - that's the stressful one and I'm not sure it's necessary.  

Thoughts?  My MIL is a drama cow.  The pregnancy is bringing out serious drama cow activity.  

 

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: Need a Diplomatic Response

  • Tell your dh to tell his mom to call your sister and to leave you out of it completely. This is NOT your problem.

     

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • image GreenMonkey1:

    2) Tell her to call my sister and let my sister deal with it (that's a total cop-out, but I know either my sister or mother would deal with my MIL because they want me to be stress-free as it relates to the shower)

    So #2 is out because it is a total cop-out.  #1 seems fine - makes the problem go away, but individual problems go away and major problems persist.  #3, eh, I don't know - that's the stressful one and I'm not sure it's necessary.  

    # 2 is not a cop-out, I think it is the right thing to do.

    At a baby shower you would be the guest of honor. NOT the person throwing the shower. With that being said, it is not up to you to figure things out! It is up to them.

     

    The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart. -- Helen Keller Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • image Sue_sue:

    Tell your dh to tell his mom to call your sister and to leave you out of it completely. This is NOT your problem.

    Ultimately this, but I think your DH needs to actually ask his mom whats "really" going on and HE needs to remind her that she's the one who decided to do a joint shower and to bail on that now could affect your sister and mom....

    But that being said _ YOU need to be left out of it.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Lurker here.

    I'd have Dh call her for #3.  If there's a legit problem between MIL and sister then maybe it can be resolved with a mediator (dh). If not, tell her she's welcome to throw her own party but you would appreciate it if she could take responsibility for her financial responsibilities with the joint shower.

  • #4, have your husband say "mom, why are your considering this at this juncture, don't you think you are being unreasonable"
  • image GreenMonkey1:

    Bullet point background

    - I'm pregnant and due in early-mid July

    - My sister is throwing a baby shower & offered to invite MIL's people if she wanted - sister calls MIL to offer

    - MIL asks me what I want (her to join or throw her own), I told her it's up to her 

    - MIL tells me she would prefer to join and not throw her own (too much work, her knees hurt, etc), I said fab - MIL & sister talk, combined shower is set for day in May everyone seems happy

     

    Fast forward to today

    My MIL called my husband to ask his advice about showers (to which I laughed because at his own statement, he knows nothing about showers, which is what he told his Mom).  MIL asks husband what he thinks about her now throwing her own shower.  She says the weekend is busy and there will be too many people at the shower.  But she helped set the date and I have no idea where she is getting the number she suggested (80 people - my family is big, but not that big).  So I'm flabbergasted - this is the same BS I dealt with for my bridal shower (which is why my sister invited MIL to have a joint shower) and I have no idea how to respond.

    Here are my options as I see them

    1) Tell her fine, throw your own shower (except my sister likely booked a place based on the number with MIL's people and I feel bad her potentially paying more to just have my MIL back out)

    2) Tell her to call my sister and let my sister deal with it (that's a total cop-out, but I know either my sister or mother would deal with my MIL because they want me to be stress-free as it relates to the shower)

    3) Ask her what is really going on and why she agreed to a joint shower in the first place on the weekend she agreed if that wasn't what she wanted (seriously, she's 60, why can't she just be an adult?)

    4) Any suggestions?

    So #2 is out because it is a total cop-out.  #1 seems fine - makes the problem go away, but individual problems go away and major problems persist.  #3, eh, I don't know - that's the stressful one and I'm not sure it's necessary.  

    Thoughts?  My MIL is a drama cow.  The pregnancy is bringing out serious drama cow activity.  

     

    3) is pointless because the why doesn't matter.  Her reasons don't matter, her actions do.  I think 2) is e smartest way to handle things.  You aren't hosting or organizing the shower - leave the drama to those who are, and take yourself out of the middle.  If she mentions it again to you, refer her either to your H or to your sister or mother. 
  • Why is #2 a "cop out"? Really, I don't understand your logic, at all. You were involved with preferences and decisions - you did well, everyone is WELL beyond that. If your MIL wants to change her mind with the host, she needs to deal with the host directly, not ecpect you to do damage control as she forces a new venue for her relations at the cost of wasting your sister's money on an un-needed venue.

    And, I think I should add that you sister extended the inviation to your MIL - it doesn't make it your J.O.B. to make it go smoothly. Your SISTER made the effort and offer. That's sweet. And you may feel some responsibility  - but REALLY - you can't control the players, and if your sister was on-board to include this woman, she has to be onboard to deal with her antics. Especially if it means that she doesn't need such a big space because the wing-ding pulled her people out of the party.

    Honestly, with drama-types, the less you insert yourself the better the outcome. Trust your sister. She'll be okay. She'll be better than if you inteject between them.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • #2. If I am hosting a shower I don't want the guest of honor to do any more than give me an invite list and recite a few preferences. Let your sister deal with it. It'll be easier for her anyway since she isn't emotionally involved with your MIL. 
  • #2 is the best response.

    #4 for me would be your sister throws the shower and invites MIL and that part of the family they rsvp and she knows how many to expect at the shower. If MIL wants to throw another shower do not get involved in that drama.

    You are the guest of honor and do not have to worry about anything, but showing up. This is not your problem.

  • Thanks for the thoughts!

    I felt #2 was a cop-out because it involved my sister having to deal with my MIL.  True though, my sister knows my MIL's antics.  My goal is to stay as uninvolved with the shower as possible - give sister dates that works, send addresses of people she needs, and attend. 

    It's good to hear from other people that letting my sister deal with my MIL is not a dump job.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • If it were my MIL and she was a drama queen, I would ask my sister what she wanted.  Would it be easier without MIL?  Is it more money? 

    I personally wouldn't want two showers, and you have to decide if you want that.  If that's ok with you, then go to two showers.  Let your MIL talk to your sister and back out of the joint shower.  Heck, your sister might even thank you, b/c if the guest list is 80 people, that's a LOT.  A 30 person shower with your family plus another shower with MILs side might work better.

    If it's not, tell her you don't think you're up to two showers, you're just going to the one thrown by your sister since you revolved your calendar around that date.  If she doesn't like it - too bad.  She doesn't have a RIGHT to throw you a shower.  She's ASKING you what you prefer, so tell her. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards