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My parents are ruining my marriage!

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Re: My parents are ruining my marriage!

  • image Kristine Schilling:

    B~ reduce family $ support immidiately. They have obviously come to expect it. Obviously if your mom can afford schooling to finish her license, they dont NEED extra support from you. Dad can get himself a second job, who cares what, delivering pizzas or whatever.

    My mom's schooling is free because she was able to apply to financial aid because of her low/non-existent income. I agree with your opinion though. My dad is taking abuse from the job he currently holds (the owner over-works him and underpays him) and he doesn't realize that he can find something better for himself! It is so irritating.
  • ALright I am going to tell you another personal story.  This time from my side.  My dad used to have a very successful Chiropractc practice.  We had some very very good years.  However, we moved and when he tried to start up a new one, it didn't work and he had to shut it down.  My dad did what he could to provide for my family and again there were some very very good years.  However, there were also times when he had to deliver pizza.  He never ever had the attitude of "whoa is me, here I am a man with a D.C, and now I am delivering pizzas."  He looked at every job as a possibly opportunity and learning experience. 

    That is something I will always admire him for.  He was never to  proud to take any job and when others might have seen shame, he saw opportunity. 

    Just continue to build up your dad and his qualities.  Who knows maybe with less income coming in, that will be the kick in the butt he needs to find something better. 

  • 1.  Totally Team Husband

    2.  Don't throw your husband under the bus by telling your parents that giving them extra cash is causing marital issues.  They'll just blame your DH.  Get a spine and tell them you won't enable them any longer.

    3.  You want to give your parents a nice gift?  Give them a session with a financial planner so they can get their shiit together.

    4.  Honestly, sounds like your whole family is a bit whack a doodle, and not qualified to perform an intervention on your mother.  Before you do this, you may want to talk it through with a therapist.  Y'all seem a bit spineless and it could be a major trainwreck in what is an already dysfunctional family.  I'm not saying she doesn't need an intervention, I'm saying you may want to enlist some professional guidance to help you...

    5.  If you sister wants to continue to fund their lifestyle that's HER choice and HER problem...not yours.  Ten bucks says her DH eventually gets fed up and leaves her..

     

  • The comment that sticks out the most to me is you saying that you won't let your husband sit down and talk to your parents face to face about how they have been making him feel and what his thoughts are on their situation. If he has been giving up to 20% (HOLY MOLY!) of his monthly income, he has EVERY RIGHT to sit them down and talk to them.  It's SO unfair of you to force his hand (and his wallet) and at the same time completely cut him out of the equation, like it's none of his business and not his place.  He has every right to talk to your parents, and quite frankly his parents if he wants to, about this situation.

    You are setting you and your husband back YEARS AND YEARS financially, and you are chosing your parents over your husband, which is the exact OPPOSITE of what your vowed to do when you married this man.  He comes first. His feelings come first. If he isn't comfortable in this situation, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, even and especially you. You STOP, or you admit that you aren't invested in your marriage and you walk away. To me, it seems you are priorityzing the people in your life in this order.

    #1 - YOU (because you aren't helping your parents for their sake, you are doing it to keep yourself from feeling guilty)

    #2 - YOUR PARENTS

    #3 - YOUR SISTER

    #4 - Your poor husband

    My adivce?  Let him talk to your parents.  Get some counseling for your marriage and yourself.  RECOMMEND counseling for your parents and your mom.  STOP providing any financial support.  STOP comparing yourself to your sister.  Mostly, I wonder if you are really invested in your marriage at all.  It sounds like you like the idea of being married to your husband, but not actually committed to sharing a life with him, you need to examine whether being married is right for you, and DON'T EVER put that on him again.  If you won't consider your husband's feelings over your own then YOU LEAVE.  Don't tell him to either pony up for your dysfunctional family or get out, that's terrible.

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  • YOur marriage to your husband needs to come first above all else including your relationship with your parents.  Giving him an ultimatum like that is absolutely not fair to him at all.  YOu need to compromise.  He's not telling you not to help them out, he's just asking you to trim it back to only what is necessary.  I think tickets to a New Year's Eve party is a very nice Christmas gift and they should be grateful for it. Go with your husband on that one.  Your little sister may want a laptop but college campuses have computer labs she can go to as well so she probably doesn't need one.

     YOur parents used to spend a lot of money on you for fancy things when they had it.  Thinking back, would you give back all of the money they spent on you if they could have just saved it for themselves for an emergency instead?  Perhaps they were generous but not logical with their spending choices and that is how they got where they are today.  Do you want to put your own children in the same situation you are in currently?  What if you spend so much on others generously that you have none for yourself in an emergency?  

    Your husband isn't asking you to stop giving totally.  He's asking you to cut back and give only things that are necessary and not go overboard.  That is a reasonable request.  Don't lose your husband over this and don't make ultimatums you don't mean just to emotionally manipulate people.  It will only backfire on you.   If I were you, I would apologize for making that ultimatum in the first place.  Then, I'd agree to compromise with him.  

  • image PnkBride:

    You are going to need to choose a healthy marriage or support your parents indefinitely. There is no way the 2 are going to co-exist. I do not blame your husband one bit. Your parents are taking serious advantage of you and your sister. You cannot change what your sister does, but you can change your behavior. It will never stop until you start saying no. Your family (you and your husband) come first! If it takes your parents losing their house to wake them up, so be it.

    You need private therapy as well as marriage therapy. Your parents have some seriously screwed up ideas and they have brainwashed you into believing that supporting them is okay. IT IS NOT!

     

    This 100%.  I'm sorry but its not his job to support your parents - there can be a small grace time or certain special situations where help is needed and appreciated but it does sound like they are taking advantage of you.   There are a million and one things you parents could do (for free) to pay you back or make your husband feel better.... but it sounds like they would rather sit back and wait for you to pick up the pieces.

    You need to stop being their as their backstop.  Live your life.  Enjoy your marraige.  They are adults and need to figure out their own problems.

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  • Team Husband! Props to him for sticking it out this long and keeping a sane mind.  Keep us updated.
  • image PnkBride:

    You are going to need to choose a healthy marriage or support your parents indefinitely. There is no way the 2 are going to co-exist. I do not blame your husband one bit. Your parents are taking serious advantage of you and your sister. You cannot change what your sister does, but you can change your behavior. It will never stop until you start saying no. Your family (you and your husband) come first! If it takes your parents losing their house to wake them up, so be it.

    You need private therapy as well as marriage therapy. Your parents have some seriously screwed up ideas and they have brainwashed you into believing that supporting them is okay. IT IS NOT!

     

    This exactly. 

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