Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Too Many Boundaries or Not Enough for the Holidays

Truly sorry, this will be a long one.  I am in therapy and working on making myself a better person, but I am between sessions due to the holidays and my anxiety is getting the better of me and need some perspective on what is truly happening and what I am feeling.  Let's put aside the fact that I am 6mnths pregnant with our first child so the emotions will be up and down @ times. 

Last weekend I made it through a work-holiday party that I normally dredd due to my H's wanta-be girlfriend always making a play for my H.  They used to be friends until he started dating me and she turned the tables on me and made sure my life was hell with lies that I was not good enough and calling my H to say that only she loved him and he needed to drop me like a hot potato.  He never did and stayed with me through several bouts of counseling, intense fighting between us, and good times too.  I did not express my high level of anxiety until we almost got through the door of the party and my H was great.  He finally after 4yrs blew off all of her attention and approaches and for once I ended up not dredding the party and enjoyed being there around all our friends. She spent the entire party watching us or sending her small child over to my H to try and lure him away.  Should I mention that while we were engaged, she told my H that the child was his in front of me - he corrected her very quickly about her statement saying that they were just friends and he has never had sex of any kind with her.   

My anxiety also flows over to his family.  His mom, dad, etc all know about this woman and have told me repeatly that my viewpoint was off.  Let's put aside the fact that I have seen, read, and printed out the emails, texts, etc from this woman.  They are all very tight as a family and while I am not a big holiday person, have been trying each and every year more and more to be a part of his family.  I am dredding the holidays due to being around them for a number of reasons.  I don't feel like they support me in my fight to save my marriage in my backward way of doing so, they invite this woman and her own family all the time to their family events, and tell me to my face that I am off in my thinking, seeing her acting all whore-like on my H, and to just ignore her.  They have a motto that they try and "help people and family members" who are struggling and not to cut them off.  My own  family truly put the FUN in dysfunctional and while I am okay with it now after 20 yrs I cannot understand why they continue to bring her, her husband, and her children within the fold when I am clearly uncomfortable and try to avoid the holiday with them ... which does not always work.   

In addition, there is a cousin (16yr) female that my H enjoys to be around.  H loves children of all ages and she is in the middle (misfortunate at that) of her parents divorce and will act out every chance that she gets when we get together as a whole family unit for gatherings.  I usually am the one that gets the brunt of her outburst (screaming @ the top of her lungs) or my babies (dogs) are when she kicks them or beats on them.  I have tried to distance myself, not really engage her in conversation, and in general chatted with my MIL about how I feel towards these two females.  Yet I am left feeling that I am the outsider in this family and no matter what I do, they can get away with murder (if you will) and I am considered crazy and expecting too much.   

I realize I can only control myself and actions.  I attend these family gathers and am very quiet until it's time to leave and then I vent like aggressively in the car with only my H present.  My H is not happy that I do not engage these women or even try too.  We fight at times about how his family ideas and mine family ideas clash and how if I don't attend gathers than questions will arise.  So I go and then am miserable for hours and days afterward due to wanting to make my H happy. 

My H, his brother, BIL's wife, and I will be traveling to the big bowl games around the New Year.  I want to make my H happy, but the idea of doing everything his family wants to do is making me even more miserable with high anxiety.  We won't be living on normal people time, rather his brother's time schedule and desires.  I live my life in and around boundaries due to my own family issues, but am tired that I don't either have enough boundaries or too many boundaries.  Anxiety is high, but I am trying to remain calm and peaceful on the outside to not give anything away.        

 

Re: Too Many Boundaries or Not Enough for the Holidays

  • Why did you continue to date, let alone, marry this man?
  • Your H must see about girl number one if she has actually said that her kid was his, and professes her love to him. Why doesn't he tell his parents not to invite her any more because of her actions and the strain it puts on your marriage?

    and with the girl #2 what does your husband think about this girl hitting your dogs? does he say anything? does he say anything when she screams at you?

    Why is she screaming at you?

     

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • If someone hit my dog I would be on the phone with police.

     

    You need marriage counseling.

  • your dh does nothing about it therefore he's not doing anything to help the situation. until he grows a spine you'll ahve these issues.

    i agree. why on earth did you marry this guy if he does nothing to back you up? seems like he gives to everyone else EXCEPT you and that's backwards.

    and if someone so much as laid a finger on my dog they'd get a beating from me.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • With regards to #1 woman, he plans alternative plans for the holidays for us and gives me warnings when she even hints that she might attend a family gathering.  He even told his parents that Thanksgiving and Christmas are off-limits and we'll do our own thing on Easter so they attend that one.  Her own H came out and said that it was his and looks very much like him.  Kinda of a joke now between the two of them (#1 woman and her H).  She thought it was funny last year @ this point in time to say that it was funny my H was in the hospital for emergency surgery twice.  Neither time was it funny on my end.   

    As for the teenager #2, he askes me to continue to try and no he doesn't think it's cool that she hits/kicks the dogs.  I don't take them to family gatherings anymore and have made it clear that an outburst on me while is unacceptable, an attack or outburst on my 4-legged babies is the end of her.  Her outburst range from someone's hot dog is touching her hamburger @ dinner (for example) to no one listening to her when everyone is chatting before (or after) dinner.  Pretty stupid outbursts, but they always seem to happen in my ear.  So I move and no longer sit anywhere near the girl to try and prevent this from happening.  H is normally in the living room with the guys watching sports so he's not present.  Her melt downs occur when I am helping in the kitchen.  I've since stop trying to help out in the kitchen.     

  • You need to DTMF.

    Your H was an a$$ before you met him, after you met him, and while you are married to him. The longer you stay with an a$$ the more your anxiety will grow. You H did nothing wonderful at all and continues to treat you like a 2nd thought.

    You want your anxiety to improve?

    DTMF



  • I missed the part where you explained why this woman is being invited to family events...

    Is she family of some sort? Did your H ever get a paternity test, if for nothing else to have solid, concrete proof that he's not the father?

    Why are you with this guy again? It seems like all he does is lead you to the lion's den and slam the door shut. WTF?

  • What ?

    Huh ?

    Why ?

    How ?

    Just ?

    I just can't imagine  having such low self worth that I would not only continue dating this man but proceed to marry and procreate with him.  WHy are you putting so much focus on this woman, cousin and his parents.  He was the one that made vows to  you, not them. 

    Ok, does anyone else  think that the kid probably is her husband's ? 1. the kid looks like him  2. she is invited to family gatherings 3. The other woman insists he is which is a strange thing to do considering that is pretty easy to prove.  Seriously, insist on a paternity test.  It will either shut her up or you will know the truth.  IF he hesitaties and tries to make you the bad guy for not believing him, well that is a tell tale sign.

    IT seems that both you and the woman's husband are complete doormats. 

  • Do not subject yourself or your dogs to this abuse. 
    image
  • Why didn't he bid this "friend" ta ta when she started in on you???

    The patent fact: he fancies her.

    He will not make tracks to tell her to get lost.

    YOU come first, not her. He is putting her first and I'd be livid if I were you.

    He also isn't telling his family to stfu and get lost.

    Tell us why you are with this guy. We'd love to hear the reason.

    Anybody who hits a dog, let alone beats it, is mentally disturbed. I agree: I'd have called the cops post haste and I've have the ASPCA after her in addition.

    IF that child is his? Another story. Was there ever any paternity testing? If there never was, he needs to find out whether or not he is the father. If he isn't, another story --- she AND this child should be out of the picture immediately.
  • This is crazy, seriously.
  • I'm sorry OP-- this is really bullshyt behavior by your husband.

    However, its time to visit the fact that the kid MIGHT be his. If she keeps showing up to family functions odds are there is some merit to that. Get a paternity test. 

    Have you explained to him how much it bothers you that this girl is hanging around still? If the kid isn't his then this girl needs to NOT get invited to anymore family functions. She just needs to be eliminated from the picture.

    I understand that this is a husband issue, but this woman is causing stress on you and something's gotta give. 

    Go to counseling with your husband. 

    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    image
  • image 2009Bella:

    With regards to #1 woman, he plans alternative plans for the holidays for us and gives me warnings when she even hints that she might attend a family gathering.  He even told his parents that Thanksgiving and Christmas are off-limits and we'll do our own thing on Easter so they attend that one.  Her own H came out and said that it was his and looks very much like him.  Kinda of a joke now between the two of them (#1 woman and her H).  She thought it was funny last year @ this point in time to say that it was funny my H was in the hospital for emergency surgery twice.  Neither time was it funny on my end.   

    As for the teenager #2, he askes me to continue to try and no he doesn't think it's cool that she hits/kicks the dogs.  I don't take them to family gatherings anymore and have made it clear that an outburst on me while is unacceptable, an attack or outburst on my 4-legged babies is the end of her.  Her outburst range from someone's hot dog is touching her hamburger @ dinner (for example) to no one listening to her when everyone is chatting before (or after) dinner.  Pretty stupid outbursts, but they always seem to happen in my ear.  So I move and no longer sit anywhere near the girl to try and prevent this from happening.  H is normally in the living room with the guys watching sports so he's not present.  Her melt downs occur when I am helping in the kitchen.  I've since stop trying to help out in the kitchen.     

    WHOAH.  So even her husband says your husband is the father of this kid?? Why is this woman invited to family events? Do your husbands parents think the kid is their grandkid too?

    Our Wedding Website
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic image
  • I'm not even digesting this whole thing or reading responses yet...I just must say right away--if someone beat or kicked my dog, I would flip the f out on them. How on earth are you exposing your pets (who depend on you to keep them safe) to someone like that? If you brought the dogs to another location then don't bring them there again. If she was at your house, if it were me, she would NEVER be welcome in my home again.
    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • For the rest of it--if I were you, I would push my H to get a paternity test. At this point I would have doubts about the story and want to know for sure. 

    If the child is not his, your H needs to be able to set some rules out for you two as a couple--if she is there, you will not be attending. There is no way you should be subjected to this woman, she sounds horrible.

    If your H is not on board with that rule then it does not sound good for you two and your marriage. 

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • Get an emergency session regardless of the holidays. If your anxiety is getting the best of you then get help now.

    Your ILs are mean if they keep inviting a woman and her seriously idiot husband to family gatherings and then tell you how family is important. You are family, so unless the joke is on you and that child is your H's and his family knows the truth. Your H is a balless wonder to not tell them knock it off, and if they keep inviting them then they can expect you and him to not show up.

    The cousin is an easy thing to solve, she kicks your dog you kick her, she screams in your face you scream right back at her. Those people don't care about you, so you have nothing to lose.

    I don't see where attending bowl games is doing everything on their schedule. You can make your own time to do things and should considering you are 6 months pregnant.

    I cannot imagine why you wanted to bring a child in to that mess of family. Call someone and get some help, you cannot keep pretending to be calm when you are a walking powder keg.

  • I wouldn't push for a paternity test, I'd say "Take one and prove it, or you'll be hearing from my attorney."

    If he resists, give him 24 hours to come to his senses.  If he refuses or tries to say you need to think differently, "just drop it" or any other emotionally abusive nonsense, you need to leave him.  I don't care if it's the holidays.  You deserve to give yourself the gift of true happiness...and you're not living happily with him and his baggage.  The problem isn't that whorish woman or his screwball family, it's him not standing by the woman he is supposed to love, honor and cherish forsaking all others.  He's allowed this to happen all this time, knowing how terribly it's been affecting you.  That's the problem. 

    You deserve to be treated with respect.  It's time to stand up for yourself and refuse to share your heart and your life with someone who doesn't feel the same.  Tell that skeezebag she can have him. 

    Follow Me on Pinterest

    image
  • Your husband's niece HIT and BEAT your dogs?????

    16 years old or not, if she would have done that to my pets, I would have beat the livingshitt out of her and never allowed her back in my house ever again.

    I can't really comment on the rest of your post because I can't think of anything that would actually help your situation. Your husband's family sound like jerks and you can't do anything to change that.

     

  • So does this mean in regards to woman #1 that he tells your parents "do not invite her to family events, this woman is trying to cause problems by telling lies"  and they still invite her to easter?  if she was HIS friend and he cuts her out (which I'm not sure why he hasn't yet?) why are his parents not listening to him? 

    Her Husband thinks this kid looks like your husband too? have you thought about just shutting them up with a paternity test?  What is holding him to these people that he doesn't feel like he can cut them out of his life? I know they work together but that doesn't mean they have to see each other outside of work.

     

    As for teenager #2, does she have a mental problem that we should know about before judging her too harshly? If not I think sitting away from her and not bringing your dogs is a good idea.  I would also suggest that if there is any yelling directed AT YOU (which I'm not sure if there is or not, it sounds like it might just be yelling in general), but if it's at you I'd suggest you leave with your husband and let his folks know that you cannot stay if you are treated like that.  I would talk to your H about doing this before you go. 

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Well I'd have anxiety too if my DH treated me like he didn't give a crap about me.  let's recap:  he likes the attention from this female "friend" more than he cares about making you uncomfortable or unhappy.  He doesn't care that his family is rude and nasty to you, so long as they are nice to him.  You get the theme here, right?  EVERYONE and their feelings are more important than you and your feelings.  You're being a doormat.  I'm so confused you continued to date this ***, much less married him.

    The minute a crazy claimed to be the parent of a BF's child I'd be out.  Either he is voluntarily friends with a very crazy person or he knocked her up and is lying to you.  Either is very, very bad.

    And I can't be the only one who suspects that the family stands up for her and includes her because IT IS HIS CHILD.

    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • Also, it makes me sad that you say you are in therapy to "better yourself."  You don't need to be bettered, you need to get the courage to stand up for yourself and DEMAND to be treated well by your husband and the people in his life.
    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • Firstly, at least you understand you have an anxiety disorder. You are also seeking therapy. Has your therapist worked with you on your copeing mechanisms??? Remember those and use them! I would be completly nuts this PG without my copeing techniques.

    I wrote 2 paragraphs about the stalker from H's work, and the teen, but cut them out. Other PP's talk about that, and the next part is what was most important to me for advice....

    You say it yourself. "I realize I can only control myself and my actions." That sentance has more than one meaning. As a person with an anxiety disorder I really understand this....

    You can go to these functions and be miserable for days afterwards, or you can go to these functions and get on with your life once you leave. You have to learn to let go of the anger, frustration, and anxiety these family events are causing you, or you need to get out of this family for your own mental health. It is not healthy for your brain and body to be on an anxiety "high" for days. Especially being PG, and thus likely off your meds.(as I am)

    HTH. GL and be well.

    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Birthday
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards