Truly sorry, this will be a long one. I am in therapy and working on making myself a better person, but I am between sessions due to the holidays and my anxiety is getting the better of me and need some perspective on what is truly happening and what I am feeling. Let's put aside the fact that I am 6mnths pregnant with our first child so the emotions will be up and down @ times.
Last weekend I made it through a work-holiday party that I normally dredd due to my H's wanta-be girlfriend always making a play for my H. They used to be friends until he started dating me and she turned the tables on me and made sure my life was hell with lies that I was not good enough and calling my H to say that only she loved him and he needed to drop me like a hot potato. He never did and stayed with me through several bouts of counseling, intense fighting between us, and good times too. I did not express my high level of anxiety until we almost got through the door of the party and my H was great. He finally after 4yrs blew off all of her attention and approaches and for once I ended up not dredding the party and enjoyed being there around all our friends. She spent the entire party watching us or sending her small child over to my H to try and lure him away. Should I mention that while we were engaged, she told my H that the child was his in front of me - he corrected her very quickly about her statement saying that they were just friends and he has never had sex of any kind with her.
My anxiety also flows over to his family. His mom, dad, etc all know about this woman and have told me repeatly that my viewpoint was off. Let's put aside the fact that I have seen, read, and printed out the emails, texts, etc from this woman. They are all very tight as a family and while I am not a big holiday person, have been trying each and every year more and more to be a part of his family. I am dredding the holidays due to being around them for a number of reasons. I don't feel like they support me in my fight to save my marriage in my backward way of doing so, they invite this woman and her own family all the time to their family events, and tell me to my face that I am off in my thinking, seeing her acting all whore-like on my H, and to just ignore her. They have a motto that they try and "help people and family members" who are struggling and not to cut them off. My own family truly put the FUN in dysfunctional and while I am okay with it now after 20 yrs I cannot understand why they continue to bring her, her husband, and her children within the fold when I am clearly uncomfortable and try to avoid the holiday with them ... which does not always work.
In addition, there is a cousin (16yr) female that my H enjoys to be around. H loves children of all ages and she is in the middle (misfortunate at that) of her parents divorce and will act out every chance that she gets when we get together as a whole family unit for gatherings. I usually am the one that gets the brunt of her outburst (screaming @ the top of her lungs) or my babies (dogs) are when she kicks them or beats on them. I have tried to distance myself, not really engage her in conversation, and in general chatted with my MIL about how I feel towards these two females. Yet I am left feeling that I am the outsider in this family and no matter what I do, they can get away with murder (if you will) and I am considered crazy and expecting too much.
I realize I can only control myself and actions. I attend these family gathers and am very quiet until it's time to leave and then I vent like aggressively in the car with only my H present. My H is not happy that I do not engage these women or even try too. We fight at times about how his family ideas and mine family ideas clash and how if I don't attend gathers than questions will arise. So I go and then am miserable for hours and days afterward due to wanting to make my H happy.
My H, his brother, BIL's wife, and I will be traveling to the big bowl games around the New Year. I want to make my H happy, but the idea of doing everything his family wants to do is making me even more miserable with high anxiety. We won't be living on normal people time, rather his brother's time schedule and desires. I live my life in and around boundaries due to my own family issues, but am tired that I don't either have enough boundaries or too many boundaries. Anxiety is high, but I am trying to remain calm and peaceful on the outside to not give anything away.