Sex & Romance
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Husband only wants sex once a month-help!!

 I am new to the message board world and I am hesitant to even post this but I have NO idea how to fix my current problem in my marriage.  I have read SO many articles about scheduling sex, and being more confident in myself, and trying new things, etc.  I have tried it ALL and NOTHING can get my man in the sack.  I have to practically BEG for it and I feel so pathetic.  Our relationship started about 11 years ago and we are high school sweethearts.  We were head over heels for each other when we met.  Our sex life started strong to where we couldn't stay away from each other.  He was so affectionate is what I remember most.  I was on birth control for about 9 of these past 11 years and I hit my worst the last two years I was on it.  I didn't want to have sex anymore.  I pushed him away constantly and I kept telling him I felt so out of control and I didn't know why I was all of a sudden uninterested in him.  It hurt our relationship a lot.  So I decided to take my chances and go off birth control.  My libido returned almost instantly.  We were having sex almost 3 times a week.  That lasted for about six months and then it went downhill again.  But this time it was not because of me.  My husband all of a sudden had no interest in it.  After talking to him I realized he was overly sensitive when using a condom.  I have NEVER heard of this problem before.  We never used condoms while I was on birth control.  And now using them messed everything up.  He became self conscious and I had to remind him that it did not matter for me to orgasm as long as we were connecting intimately in some way.  My husband nowadays is not big on affection.  Only seldom will he randomly give me a big hug.  I have to always ask to have sex now and like I said -I have tried EVERYTHING.  I don't know what is going on.  I know he is not cheating on me for sure.  He complains about being too tired but I don't buy that because he is NEVER in the mood anymore at any time of the day.  I'm worried because guys are constantly flirting with me at work and while I am out shopping.  I can't help but wonder why he doesn't appreciate what he has.  I appreciate him-that's why I want to jump his bones 24/7!!!  I am so good to him and I never ask for anything-well, except sex now.  I think I try to be seductive and sexy-never had a problem with that.   I am always up for trying something new in the sack as well.  What am I doing wrong and why does my husband not want to have sex with me but once a month?  I can't figure this out.  How do men go for an entire month without having sex?!  Are there any men out there that have this same problem?  All I think and dream about is having sex with him 24/7.  I feel like I am the man and he's the woman(as far as libidos go).  I need help please!! 

Re: Husband only wants sex once a month-help!!

  • Hmmm...Sounds like some counseling is needed.

    Until then, you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about the way you are feeling. You two MUST communicate in order for compromise to take place.

     

    GL. 

  • Ditto the above. YOu need to sit him down and talk to him.

    He isn't a mind reader.

    Passion waxes and wanes; after 11 years together, I'd say once or twice a week would be great.

    You have needs and even though you are together 11 years doesn't mean you should settle for living like roommates.

    He needs to get a complete checkup to rule out physical problems that are causing zero libido: thyroid, testosterone deficiency are 2 of them.

    If there is nothing organically and physically wrong, he needs to start anteing up with you int he bedroom -- as I always say, he owes it to you as your husband.

    One caveat, though...i don't want to be the harbinger of bad news but it very well could be that your relationship with him has run its course. Very sad, but it happens.

    If he still has no interest in meeting you at least halfway and you get the same ole story from him, you decide what you want to do. It's either an open marriage with his permission or you cut your losses and go. As I said, it very well could be that the relationship is over. gl.

  • I also think you need to talk to him and lay it out like you did for us. It seems as if this has been a problem between the two of you for awhile and he may just feel like nothing has worked so maybe he is giving up all together (lots of times men do this rather than trying to find another solution). 

    Let things happen naturally and stop putting so much pressure on the sex part of things. Try to connect as a couple as you guys did all of those years ago and the sex should happen naturally.

    If things don't improve suggest that the two of you go TOGETHER to some counseling or a DR to find a solution.  


    ---Started TTC 12/1/11--- 
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  • I also think it's a mistake telling him that it's not important for you to have an orgasm.  Of course it's important.

    I hope the answer isn't that this relationship has simply run its course.

    image
  • We have talked about this many times unfortunately.  He says he will get better with it but he never does.  I'm the kind of person that when I promise something-I deliver.  Unfortunately, he is not the same.  You said it EXACTLY how I have been feeling around him-like a roomate.  This scares me SO much.  I know we love each other SO much but I feel like our relationship has reached that level of just being complacent with each other.  Another subject we fight about is starting a family.  I don't want to even get into THAT one, but I have been wondering if he has backed off from sex because he's afraid of me getting pregnant.  As CRAZY as that sounds, being a married couple.  Is it my fault that I think we SHOULD be having MORE sex?  Is once a month normal? 
  • imagekimbo5182008:
    We have talked about this many times unfortunately.  He says he will get better with it but he never does.  I'm the kind of person that when I promise something-I deliver.  Unfortunately, he is not the same.  You said it EXACTLY how I have been feeling around him-like a roomate.  This scares me SO much.  I know we love each other SO much but I feel like our relationship has reached that level of just being complacent with each other.  Another subject we fight about is starting a family.  I don't want to even get into THAT one, but I have been wondering if he has backed off from sex because he's afraid of me getting pregnant.  As CRAZY as that sounds, being a married couple.  Is it my fault that I think we SHOULD be having MORE sex?  Is once a month normal? 


    What's not normal is that you are not satisfied.

    Some couples are fine with once a month. THere are even couples who have no sex...if both of them like that type of arrangement, then it is satisfactory to the both of them.

    He needs another talk and stat.

    Lay it on the line. You tell him "Honey, we need to work on our sex life. I think you're hot and I want more sex...how can we solve this problem together?"

    Maybe you are right --- he's not keen on starting a family at this time and this is why there's such a disparity with your sex life. If he does not want to start a family now he should tell you and not hesitate to do so.

    You also need to know what kind of timeline he's looking at as far as starting a family goes.

    If he has changed his mind and does not want kids, he needs to let you know. he can't leave you hanging on this -- you can either be okay with his decision or you can decide where you want to go from there.

    In the meanwhile, to get your "kid fix", do something to help other kids. I am sure a church/house of worship group needs adult volunteers to help kids and tweens and their programs (if you're religious, look into this with your clergyperson/parochial home school association).

    Groups for kids always need: coaches, mentors, leaders, teachers, volunteers of all kinds.

    There is also the Big Sister program; that's tried and true. Girls without mothers need a mother figure and a mentor and somebody to look up to.:)

  • I agree with what the PPs said and I would recommend counseling.  This sounds exactly like my relationship with my exH.  Yes EX-H.  We tried to work on other parts of our relationship.  I tried to tell myself that I could be happy this way.  I found other hobbies and ways to fulfill my life, but it ended up being just two people living their own lives under the same roof.  Be honest with him and yourself and figure out what would be best for the both of you. 
    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/23r8uur.jpg[/IMG]




    TTC 10/11. HSG 2/12 normal. DH's SA low normal count. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!!




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  • Thank you all for the great advice.  Maybe I DO need to reconnect with him in other ways other than sex all the time.I need to stop dwelling on it and try to resolve this issue and move forward.
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