Trouble in Paradise
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New jobs/ new house - Husband has cold feet

Hi Ladies,

Im new to this board.  Ive been married a year and half but we have been together for 4.  Things have been pretty good.  Normal arguments but we have been fine.  My husband worked nights and didnt like his job.  We decided to move to my hometown for a better job for him.  He was really excited about the whole thing, we started early summer.  I found a great new job with a large raise.  He found a new job.  It wasnt exactly what he wanted but he wouldnt be working 3pm to 5am anymore.  He would be working 2pm to 11pm.  Not wonderful but much improved.  With his old job, we lived 2 differnt lives in one house.  He slep in the basement because the noises of the day would wake him.  We only slept in the same bed during the weekend.

 We sold our house and bought a new house.  Its a wonderful house and he is proud of it.  We close in 2 weeks.  He started his new job last week.  He doesnt like it.  All of a sudden, the old job that he didnt like, has become the best job he has ever had and is sad about leaving it.  FYI he has never left his hometown.  Our new house/life is an hour away.

He came home yesterday very angry.  He said that I made him move to a place where he doesnt know anyone, and made him take a job he didnt like. 

This is crazy to me.  I told him I didnt make him do anything, we made these decisions together.  I told him that we dont have to move and he can go back to his job.  He said its too late (it kinda is).  I told him to find a new job, anything he wants to make him happy.  He said its too late. 

I just dont know what to do.  I dont want him to resent me for this.  I really didnt make him do it.  I encouraged the decisions he made because they will be much better for us as a family.  He agreed with this.  Any suggestions? 

Re: New jobs/ new house - Husband has cold feet

  • Maybe you should go without him!

    I told him that we dont have to move and he can go back to his job. 

    Really? You gave into his temper tantrum?

    He sounds like a 2 year old.



  • Your H does not have cold feet. Cold feet happen BEFORE a life-changing event, and represent lingering doubts that may or may not be entirely trivial. Your H, on the other hand, has profound regrets, which are entirely HIS, for which he is foisting responsibility entirely on YOU.

    Before we go on, can we please clarify whether you get this distinction?

  • What stuck out to me was that he's blaming you for making him move away from his hometown. 1 hour away. It takes me an hour to get to work in the morning, that's not far, at all!

    What does your H do? If he hates this job and his last job, he should probably look into a new career. He's unhappy at his job and he needs someone to blame, so instead of doing some soul searching, he's blaming you for all his problems.

  • Agreed.  The only reason I used the "cold feet" is that we make the move in 2 weeks.  Regrets is a much better term, thank you.

  • Well you have a great new job with a nice raise. That's your contribution to the family.

    Your H should work wherever he thinks would be best for him in support of your family.

    I think your H has some issues with your nice raise, TBH.

  • Have you asked him why he's being suckadick about all of this?

    Or maybe a better question is what is his fuucking problem?

    I think Fuss might be onto something.

    image
  • I asked him and he wouldnt talk.  He has never acted this childish before.  I think this is all one snowball of a problem: She makes the money, leaving my friend and family for the first time, insecurity overload.  I just dont know the first step to work past this.  I spoke up big time and told him that I never made him do anything, we did this together.  I told him that whatever he wants to do with his job, ill support him on that.  It didnt seem to help.

  • Have you told him your thoughts on why you think he's acting this way? If so, what was his response?
    image
  • He brings it all back to "i hate my new job, i should have never left my job"  I asked him how can we work past this and he said "forget i even said anything, dont worry about it"  To me, it seems like a quick get a way from a serious argument.  Should I just drop it?  Im sure he is going to continue to be unhappy and tight lipped.  You guys are dead on when relating this to a childs tantrum.  Should I treat this the same?  I tried to work out the problem - failed.  Should I just let him kick and scream for a bit untill he settles down?
  • What is your H's job and what was his other one?
  • image Suzy.Valentine:
    He brings it all back to "i hate my new job, i should have never left my job"  I asked him how can we work past this and he said "forget i even said anything, dont worry about it"  To me, it seems like a quick get a way from a serious argument.  Should I just drop it?  Im sure he is going to continue to be unhappy and tight lipped.  You guys are dead on when relating this to a childs tantrum.  Should I treat this the same?  I tried to work out the problem - failed.  Should I just let him kick and scream for a bit untill he settles down?

    What else does he do?  This isn't just about the job. Does he always blame you for things?  Did he move you away from your family and friends?  It sounds like your independence is a big issue for him.

    <img src="http://i42.tinypic.com/acbl1x.jpg" />


    Laughing at the Men I Date
    [url=http://hindsightisprettyfunny.blogspot.com]Hindsight Is Pretty Funny[/url]
  • Just because he's acting like a child doesn't mean you need to treat him like one.

    He's an adult and this problem needs to be dealt with, not ignored.

    Please tell us what you're specifically saying to him/asking him.

    I'm sure it will be hard to find a counselor or therapist since you're moving in two weeks, so I don't know if you should wait or look for someone now.

    How set in stone is this moving thing? Is there any way you can postpone it? I'm not saying postpone because he doesn't want to go but postpone going with him, at least.

    image
  • Both are logistics and both are with the same company, just a new local.  He likes the company and the work.  He says he doesnt like this particular assignment because his hours are not much improved (they are much better but not perfect) and he hasnt hit of off with his coworkers.  None of his new coworks have really meshed with him. He says that his coworks have nothing in common.  To me it seems like its just a general getting to know you period.  He did really enjoy his old group, but dont we all?  Its not easy going someplace new.

  • So bringing it full circle if I may.

    It's your fault his new CWs don't like him... yet?

  • --------How set in stone is this moving thing? Is there any way you can postpone it? I'm not saying postpone because he doesn't want to go but postpone going with him, at least.-------

     Things are pretty set. We could cancel at this point but not postpone. 

    --------It's your fault his new CWs don't like him... yet?

    You mean that he views this as my fault? No, he just hasnt found that common ground yet.


     

  • Agreed, this isnt just about the job.  We have had par for the course arguments in the past.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  We enjoy our time together.  He isnt protective or abusive.  He just had this big freak out moment.  This is the first time he has put blame on me for something.  When something is wrong, he is not the type of person to blame others, this is the first.  When we got married we talked about who's hometown to move it.  It was 50/50 for both of us.  I actually was the one that chose his.  His family is there plus we had a large social outlet.  In the past 2 years, his relationship with his family is so so and the social outlet has gotten pretty small.  Most of our friends have married and moved away. 
  • SO I guess he is saying he would rather spend time with his old coworkers than with you. 
  • image fussbucket:

    I think your H has some issues with your nice raise, TBH.

    This is my thinking as well.  Do you make more $ than him?

    How old is he?

    image Grayson's side-eye
  • I make more $.  He is 28, I am 27. 
  • People spend a lot of time at work, more than they do at their personal lives.  Not liking your job sucks donkey balls, and really colors the rest of your life.  When I hated my job, I spent every morning before work crying, eating chocolates, and watching Mary Poppins, and on the weekends I was so frantically determined to make my life worthwhile that I made those suck, too.  And I fought with Mr. Kuus a lot more then, too, over pretty much nothing.

    I'm just saying, he's acting weird, but I kind of sympathize.

    image
  • Yes, but he doesn't get to blame her for all of his problems.
    image
  • Okay, but can we all agree that my sh*t job back in the day really was Mr. Kuus's fault?
    image
  • I don't know that story.
    image
  • There isn't one.  I'd still like to blame him anyway, though. 

    If not, can I at least blame him for the weight gain from the morning chocolates?  He bought them, after all.

    image
  • I am only a lurker on here but I am currently in the same (opposite) situation. THree months ago I moved back to my husband's hometown (4 hrs away) after six months of living apart so I could stay and wrap things up at my job and he could tak his dream job. There was no question I would do it, I was excited, a little nervous, but very supportive and we bought a house and the house is great. . .

     2 things -

    (1) you leave in two weeks. The anticipation is sometimes WAY worse than the actual getting there and being in the house, the town. He could be really emotional about leaving/nervous re: change. Be supportive, listen to him, but don't treat him like a baby because these emotions are real. I was a wreck, and the life I thought was so-so (in the old city, the old job) was suddenly a pretty perfect picture.

    (2) he may not be happy in the new place for a while. it may take some time. it is taking me a very long time, but i am getting there, and though i am certainly not blaming my husband for our moving and am remaining positive, i will admit sometimes i want to blow something up because i miss our old city so much and my family and job and feel like i will never feel "home" again. but this too, shall pass.

     

    i guess my advice is: cut him a break. talk about it. and if it does get really bad, talk about what the two of you can do together to make it right again.

  • Well he is acting like a brat.  I don't think there is much you need to do about it, this is something he needs to get over on his own.  It's fine to say you will back him up re. employment if he chooses to switch jobs later and to encourage him to give this a try and see if its better.  But realize you can't fix it for him, he has to work through it on his own and the best you can do is try and help him stay anchored to reality and common sense.
    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • Hi Ladies,

      Thank you all for you support and advice.  I got to the bottom of things last night.  I turns out, that the new job he has started is not what he was hired for.  His new boss has switched his hours and now must work weekends.  This defets the purpose of the move.  We were moving so he could stop working weekends and have better hours.  Changing his hours with the boss is not an option.  I gave him 3 options.  1) Dont move, get our old jobs back.  He didnt want to do this. 2) Move, he quits and looks for another job - We can afford to do this, but he thought it would be odd (agreed) 3) Move, he looks for a new job.  He opted for #3.  I realize that this could end up being a long process, but im prepared.  I am prepared for a few months of crabby during this adjustment.  I spoke with my family and friends and I asked them for some additional support for my husband during the move.  Everyone was more than willing to put out some extra effort to make this transition better for him.  As far as the blame game went, I told im that its not my fault.  He says that I miss understood him and that he never blamed me.  I based this off of one comment he made which apparently I mis understood.  Easy to do consider even in an argument, my husbands loudest voice is a whisper to me.  He gave a good analogy.  He said he was lead here like a horse with a fake carrot in front of its nose.  He got here, no carrot.  Refering to the job as a carrot. 

    Looking into the future months, I know its not going to be an easy road.  We have a goal which will require alot of work but is doable.  I am hoping that the excitment of a beautiful new home and a new support system will take the edge off him.  Thanks again for your advice!

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