My husband & I have been married for 5-years. We are both in our mid to late 30's. We've had some problems in our marriage. Some financial, some regarding housekeeping issues, my shift at work, I work nights, etc.
As far as finances, I came into the marriage with debt, but I don't have any debt now, besides owing him for the car. No credit card bills, of course it's just the usual, car payment, mortgage, basic expenses. There have been times I was late at paying him and he would have to ask for it. It was usually because I fell short. I pay for certain things and he pays for most of everything else. He also had a better job in which he was paid more. He takes care of the mortgage, ? the car, and we split utilities. I pay for groceries and the other ? of the car pymt. Since he didn't charge interest he was always the last to get paid out what I had to work with. Well, a few months back I was late on getting him $300 I owed him for the car and I usually just pay him thru bank transfer. I did it at work and messed up and transferred $30 instead of $300. Call it not paying attention, me being an idiot, or whatever, regardless, it was the last straw for him. The money was there - I was just so preoccupied at work I wasn't watching close enough. As soon as I noticed it I paid $450 (the $300 I owed him and ? of the currents months car pymt)
As far as housekeeping goes, I haven't kept house as good as I suppose I should've. I do what I can and sometimes I guess I was just being lazy. I also know this man was raised by a mother who did EVERYTHING and his mom is a clean freak, so he must've been used to that, but then again, he's not that good at it either. I know he believes that it's the wife's responsibility, although at times I tend to agree since he makes more money than I do and pays more. Well, maybe in this case it is. I also feel it's just because his mom ran a perfectly clean house, while he didn't have to lift a finger and he was used to it.
He feels disrespected, like he can't trust me anymore, and like there is no stability. I'm feeling like I've basically been in such a depression or slump for the past 3 years that I've basically just existed and that's it. Not because of him though. I really don't know if it was me moving to the city where I didn't know anyone to be with him or the fact that we ended up in a crappy part of town, me not being cut out for the night shift, I don't know. I also had put forth so much effort at work that I've got nothing left when I come home. By this I mean, working w/out breaks, working extreme overtime, trying to get my job and everyone else's done - just so that it's done, taking a lot more on my shoulders than I ever should've and not getting paid for it for that matter. I work in an office that pretty much spends most of their days on the internet, doing very little work, and know the boss personally. This has taken quite a toll on me - instead of leaving this at work - I have complained about work ALOT. That's something that really bothers him too. I don't talk much about anything else - don't have much of a life outside of work either - so I don't have much of anything else to talk about - I just complain about work. I know I probably just need to find a different job, but who's to say I wouldn't end up in the same kind of situation.
In the past few months, I have stepped it up a notch and his payment for the car is a month ahead now, instead of a month behind and have paid him back anything that I owed him. Unfortunately I had to dip into MY savings, which wasn't much to begin with, to do that. I've been doing housekeeping twice a week, laundry is kept up, and most recently STOPPED complaining about work. I try to leave it there. It seems that unfortunately - this is all too late for him.
A month ago he had said that he didn't see a reason for us to go into couples counseling because he just didn't see it working. He doesn't hate me, and he still wants me in his life. He just doesn't love me anymore. This was on a Friday night and I actually started packing a suitcase and was ready to just leave - go to stay with one of my girlfriends, my sisters, a hotel, or even sleep in my car. I didn't tell him where I was going to go, just that I was leaving. He actually stopped me and told me that wasn't necessary. I just asked him why? I didn't see the point of being there if he didn't love me. He sat on the couch quiet for awhile, then he said that because he was worried about my wellbeing he must still have some feelings for me. I guess that gave me a glimmer of hope so I didn't leave, I stayed.
Last night, I was talking to him about all this we are going thru and he mentioned that he wished I would've stepped it like I have a long time ago. He wished I would've been doing what I'm doing now sooner because right now I've been doing everything he's always wanted. My attitude is even better. But - he just doesn't have love for me anymore. The trust is gone. His love is like it's flatlined and it has been that way. He just feels numb. The last thing he said was - "You know where we are headed don't you?" - I just said "no, where?" - "Separation". He doesn't think things will be better and doesn't see his love ever coming back. I still love him, that has never changed and I've been trying to stay positive that we will be able to work things out. Now my feeling is that I love him enough that I just want him to be happy, even if that means us being apart. I'm so hurt and heartbroken right now though and feel totally ruined. I feel as though a part of me has died. I'm still clinging to hope that it will change and maybe I shouldn't do that. I did realize that things wouldn't change with him overnight, but I was hanging in there.
If we do actually separate I do actually have a plan so I know I'll be okay. My plan is to just quit my job here and move back home with my dad, I'll also be near my family then. I'll find a job there and try to pick up the pieces. I'll probably end up going back to school too.
Any advice would be appreciated. I apologize for writing so much, but I felt I had to set the stage a little.