Trouble in Paradise
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Marital problems (Warning VERY LONG!)

My husband & I have been married for 5-years.  We are both in our mid to late 30's.  We've had some problems in our marriage.  Some financial, some regarding housekeeping issues, my shift at work, I work nights, etc. 

As far as finances, I came into the marriage with debt, but I don't have any debt now, besides owing him for the car.  No credit card bills, of course it's just the usual, car payment, mortgage, basic expenses. There have been times I was late at paying him and he would have to ask for it.  It was usually because I fell short.  I pay for certain things and he pays for most of everything else.  He also had a better job in which he was paid more.  He takes care of the mortgage, ? the car, and we split utilities.  I pay for groceries and the other ? of the car pymt.  Since he didn't charge interest he was always the last to get paid out what I had to work with.  Well, a few months back I was late on getting him $300 I owed him for the car and I usually just pay him thru bank transfer.  I did it at work and messed up and transferred $30 instead of $300.  Call it not paying attention, me being an idiot, or whatever, regardless, it was the last straw for him.  The money was there - I was just so preoccupied at work I wasn't watching close enough.  As soon as I noticed it I paid $450 (the $300 I owed him and ? of the currents months car pymt)  

As far as housekeeping goes, I haven't kept house as good as I suppose I should've.  I do what I can and sometimes I guess I was just being lazy.  I also know this man was raised by a mother who did EVERYTHING and his mom is a clean freak, so he must've been used to that, but then again, he's not that good at it either.  I know he believes that it's the wife's responsibility, although at times I tend to agree since he makes more money than I do and pays more.  Well, maybe in this case it is.  I also feel it's just because his mom ran a perfectly clean house, while he didn't have to lift a finger and he was used to it.

He feels disrespected, like he can't trust me anymore, and like there is no stability.  I'm feeling like I've basically been in such a depression or slump for the past 3 years that I've basically just existed and that's it.  Not because of him though.  I really don't know if it was me moving to the city where I didn't know anyone to be with him or the fact that we ended up in a crappy part of town, me not being cut out for the night shift, I don't know.  I also had put forth so much effort at work that I've got nothing left when I come home.  By this I mean, working w/out breaks, working extreme overtime, trying to get my job and everyone else's done - just so that it's done, taking a lot more on my shoulders than I ever should've and not getting paid for it for that matter.  I work in an office that pretty much spends most of their days on the internet, doing very little work, and know the boss personally.  This has taken quite a toll on me - instead of leaving this at work - I have complained about work ALOT.  That's something that really bothers him too.  I don't talk much about anything else - don't have much of a life outside of work either - so I don't have much of anything else to talk about - I just complain about work.  I know I probably just need to find a different job, but who's to say I wouldn't end up in the same kind of situation.

In the past few months, I have stepped it up a notch and his payment for the car is a month ahead now, instead of a month behind and have paid him back anything that I owed him.  Unfortunately I had to dip into MY savings, which wasn't much to begin with, to do that.  I've been doing housekeeping twice a week, laundry is kept up, and most recently STOPPED complaining about work.  I try to leave it there.  It seems that unfortunately - this is all too late for him. 

A month ago he had said that he didn't see a reason for us to go into couples counseling because he just didn't see it working. He doesn't hate me, and he still wants me in his life.  He just doesn't love me anymore.  This was on a Friday night and I actually started packing a suitcase and was ready to just leave - go to stay with one of my girlfriends, my sisters, a hotel, or even sleep in my car.  I didn't tell him where I was going to go, just that I was leaving.  He actually stopped me and told me that wasn't necessary.  I just asked him why?  I didn't see the point of being there if he didn't love me.  He sat on the couch quiet for awhile, then he said that because he was worried about my wellbeing he must still have some feelings for me.  I guess that gave me a glimmer of hope so I didn't leave, I stayed.

Last night, I was talking to him about all this we are going thru and he mentioned that he wished I would've stepped it like I have a long time ago.  He wished I would've been doing what I'm doing now sooner because right now I've been doing everything he's always wanted.  My attitude is even better.  But - he just doesn't have love for me anymore.  The trust is gone.  His love is like it's flatlined and it has been that way.  He just feels numb.  The last thing he said was - "You know where we are headed don't you?" - I just said "no, where?" - "Separation".  He doesn't think things will be better and doesn't see his love ever coming back.  I still love him, that has never changed and I've been trying to stay positive that we will be able to work things out.  Now my feeling is that I love him enough that I just want him to be happy, even if that means us being apart.  I'm so hurt and heartbroken right now though and feel totally ruined.  I feel as though a part of me has died.  I'm still clinging to hope that it will change and maybe I shouldn't do that.  I did realize that things wouldn't change with him overnight, but I was hanging in there.

If we do actually separate I do actually have a plan so I know I'll be okay.  My plan is to just quit my job here and move back home with my dad,  I'll also be near my family then.  I'll find a job there and try to pick up the pieces.  I'll probably end up going back to school too. 

Any advice would be appreciated. I apologize for writing so much, but I felt I had to set the stage a little.

Re: Marital problems (Warning VERY LONG!)

  • I should also add - I've checked his email, his phone, and haven't seen evidence of him cheating.  I've even questioned him about it and he said that he's numb to that to.  The thought of another woman has never even entered his mind.  I also don't feel that I have any reason not to believe him.  It never even crossed my mind, the It's the first thing that one of my friends had asked.  Her first marriage ended because her XH cheated on her so I believe that was her reasoning.

    I should also probably add that back in March he had a seizure and he had said that he didn't love me back then too, but the same day he said it he said that he didn't know why he said that, that he does love me.  He is prone to seizure and takes meds because of it and I know at that time his meds were off.  They seem good now, but it's got me wondering if the seizure had changed him in a way - made him numb to emotions of something.  I don't know - I'm just throwing it out there.

  • (note: stolen from Suesue)

    Make copies of all your financial documents. Don't delay. Get a set of them stored offsite. Mortgage, property tax, bills, credit cards, retirement, stocks bonds, tax returns for the past three years; get them copied, now. If he comes to the house and takes them all you will have a hell of a time and expense to reproduce these; get them done and put at your mom's house/friend's house, or in  your trunk, or anywhere out of the house where he has no access. This will also make your lawyer's job much, much easier and thus much less expensive for you.

    Make an appointment with a lawyer. Many offer free consultations.

  • image Derniermot:

    (note: stolen from Suesue)

    Make copies of all your financial documents. Don't delay. Get a set of them stored offsite. Mortgage, property tax, bills, credit cards, retirement, stocks bonds, tax returns for the past three years; get them copied, now. If he comes to the house and takes them all you will have a hell of a time and expense to reproduce these; get them done and put at your mom's house/friend's house, or in  your trunk, or anywhere out of the house where he has no access. This will also make your lawyer's job much, much easier and thus much less expensive for you.

    Make an appointment with a lawyer. Many offer free consultations.

    Especially since, depending on your state's laws, you may be entitled to a share of everything, even though you kept your finances separate.

  • image LarissaAnn:
    image Derniermot:

    (note: stolen from Suesue)

    Make copies of all your financial documents. Don't delay. Get a set of them stored offsite. Mortgage, property tax, bills, credit cards, retirement, stocks bonds, tax returns for the past three years; get them copied, now. If he comes to the house and takes them all you will have a hell of a time and expense to reproduce these; get them done and put at your mom's house/friend's house, or in  your trunk, or anywhere out of the house where he has no access. This will also make your lawyer's job much, much easier and thus much less expensive for you.

    Make an appointment with a lawyer. Many offer free consultations.

    Especially since, depending on your state's laws, you may be entitled to a share of everything, even though you kept your finances separate.

    Yep.

  • Listen, even if you love him and want to stay married and have 10,000 of his babies, go and talk to a lawyer anyway. Its free*. You will learn some stuff. It will make you feel more secure.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    *Many, not all, lawyers offer free consultations.

  • He says he doesn't love you.  Believe him.

    You married an insensitive middle schooler.

    I will say, though, that my H and have kept our finances separate for 6 years, and we're fine.  It works for us.  I don't "owe" him money; I think that's kind of weird.  But there are some things he pays (mortgage), and some things I pay (utilities, groceries, vet bills, incidentals).  You don't have to combine your finances when you get married; this happens to work for us very nicely.

  • Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't love you?
  • I would really like to know why you love him, what it is that you get from him.  Because from what you've laid out... I get the impression that you have low self esteem and you're trying desperately to hang on to the "one" guy who would marry you (or so you think). 

    And a note on the finances - as otehrs have said, it's not about having joint accounts (DH and I have never joined our accounts).  It's about being on the same page financially, it's about agreeing on the big picture of your overall budget.

    You can pool all your money into one account, but if you aren't on the same page w/ the bigger picture, then it's not going to fix anything. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I know you're hurting right now, but you need to find a lawyer.  The fact of the matter is, he doesn't want to have a marital partnership with you.  I'm not sure he's capable of it, quite frankly.  He wants what is his, and he wants a mommy to take care of him.  There is no room for romantic love in that scenario. 

     

    This is my siggy.
  • It's one thing to keep separate accounts (a lot of couples do)  It is quite another to have to pay your spouse back when you "fall behind."  It doesn't make sense.  I would venture to guess that your MIL who kept a perfect house also did not work.  In the year 2011 most men help out around the house and don't just watch as their wives do everything.  It saddens me that you have seemed tgo change your behavior and all he can say is that he wishes you had done it sooner.  What has he done to contribute to bettering the relationship?

     

    I am usually right on the couples counseling bandwagon, but it seems to me he has already checked out of the marriage.  Couples counseling will only work if both people put in the effort.  I would suggest individual counseling since you don't seem happy in your own life.  Maybe work on some of he workaholic stuff.  I am also curious if you truly know what you want from a relationship.  You say you love him.  What do you love about him?

  • I don't know if this is a cultural issue but wow, what kind of a man treats his wife like this?

    More suggestions:

    If you are religious, speak to your clergy person. He or she will tell you straight away that the vow he made to you on your wedding day is "forsaking all others." He's forsaken you by treating you the way he is treating you.

    It is never a good sign when a spouse will not go to counseling. As somebody pointed out, it's shown he has already emotionally checked out of the marriage.

    Why should he leave? he's got a roof over his head, he's got you to pick up after him, you to cook for him and he's got tons of his own money -- this whole thing irks me!

    What happens when it is tax time? Please don't tell me that this creep filesseparately on his own and he takes his paperwork to a CPA/Block/whoever and he takes care of business himself, minus you coming along and minus you not knowing if he got a refund, if he owes, etc!

    And please don't tell me that his bank-related statements/credit card statements are still being mailed to his parents' home!!!

    How much do you know about his finances, anyway?

  • Not only would I leave him, I might kick him in the shin as I walked out.   He's a loser.

    Having separate accounts isn't a big deal....unless you marry a person who makes a lot more, but obsesses over money.   He's using money as a control tactic.   You make less, so you have to do the housework?  Bullsh!t.  My DH makes double what I make, and if he tried pulling that on me, I'd flip out.   I actually work longer hours than he does in a more stressful environment.   Working is working, and in no way should your salary determine how much you have to do at home too. 

    He's also manipulating you with his emotions.  He can just say he loves you, but then he doesn't, but then he does, and then he doesn't.   And you act according ONLY to the mood he's in.    You need to start putting yourself first.

    I think you should act on the plan you have laid out.   Go back to school (so you can earn more money and feel like you have the right to call the shots in your life).   I'd also seek individual counseling to repair some of the damage this guy did to you.    Your self-esteem seems like it's in the crapper.    You deserve better.

  • You know who does most of the cleaning in our house?  He does. I pretty much take care of the kitchen and bedroom and he does the rest. 

    He helps me with my bills and I contribute to the household by doing the grocery shopping, cooking and paying the cell phone bill (I still own my condo that I had when we met, so I have a mtg of my own to pay).  We don't have any joint accounts yet and will probably have one joint checking and one joint savings for bills/house expenses and then separate accounts for our spending money.  He just put about $1200 out for mine and my DS's cars without requesting that I pay him back.  You now why?  Because we are a household where we help eachother.

    We aren't married and we've been able to mesh our lives so one person isn't doing most of the work.  Income levels shouldn't dictate who does what around the house unless one spouse is working part time or stays home (since they are home more they should obviously do more around the house). 

    Your household/life with your husband is completely unbalanced.  I wouldn't want to live like that. 

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  • Since your H has made it clear that he doesn't love you, I would move forward with your life.  See a lawyer in the state that you are in, and file for separation.  Copy all financial statements, income tax records, etc.

    You deserve someone who loves you for YOU, not b/c you do the housework at a certain level of cleanliness or because you transfer money at a certain time.  I am a SAHM - - I bring in NO income at this point, and my H still loves me and appreciates what I do at home (raising the children, b/c I'm not the best housekeeper, either!), still feels the money in the bank account is "ours."  The thing is, my H realizes that we are a team for the long haul.  Maybe I will be working when he is retired, and maybe at that point I will make more than he ever did (I can only hope!).

    I would also suggest that you seek medical attention, as well as therapy.  From your post I am reading that you are showing signs of depression.  You need to treat yourself and get yourself healthy. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • It sounds like you married a loan rep from a bank, and he wanted a maid. This guy doesn't respect you at all. Get out and find someone who doesn't make you "pay him back" like he's just another bill collector. I can't fathom my H being mad that I didn't pay him for something. You're married. It's all shared, whether or not your accounts are or not. What a control freak. And I read a lot of "I'm doing this so HE likes it, I'm making this change"...what the heck is HE bringing to the table? Or is he blaming everything on you?
    Oh, FFS.
  • I'd believe separate finances can work when, like someone said, either income and expenses are kept proportional or it's understood you're still a team.  A teammate doesn't hold it over your head when you "fall behind" because you make less money but are still paying a full 50% of the bills... and doing all the housework besides.

    Show me the fair part of that?

    Or the partnership part?

    And what happenes if one of you loses a job?

    It happens, my friends.  I lost my job 2 months before the wedding, was out of work for nearly two years, and fell into a pretty bad depression.  H picked up the slack and carried me when I needed it.  Now that I've got a steady paycheck and am doing pretty well, when he was going crazy at his job and needed for his own sanity to go out on his own, I gave him the go-ahead and I'm the one with the steady income and health insurance so he can get his own business going.

    Partnership.

    What if we'd had a totally separate setup?  Would one of us not be supposed to give the other a leg up when needed?  What the hell would be the point of getting married?

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