Trouble in Paradise
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Started a new thread

I'm home from work now.  I've taken alot of your advice in.  I really do appreciate it.  I'm going to go to sleep right now, have to work tonight.  I've basically spent most of it crying and I'm beat.

To answer one posters question - yes I do have self esteem issues - and I don't believe he helped with that too much since my weight has also been an issue with him.  Yup weight was an issue with him too.  I know I didn't bring that up before but I figure I might as well now.  I believe working 3rd shift and living with him definately helped with me gaining so much weight since we've married.  I was slightly overweight when we got married - now I'm 30lbs above that.

Whoever said this, you're probably right - he probably does want a stepford wife.  I was really hoping he could go to couples counseling so the counselor would be able see what a nut he really is.  5-years - What a waste!

Re: Started a new thread

  • So he has a "what's mine is mine" attitude AND he criticizes your body?  I can't imagine why you wanted him as a boyfriend, let alone a husband.  Wouldn't being by yourself, doing whatever you want all the time with no one putting you down or telling you that you owe them, be a helluva lot more fun than this?
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  • imageTaowensgirl:

    5-years - What a waste!

    I know this isn't easy.  I know it's easy for us to say "Do __ and __". 

    But just something to think about - while you may feel it's 5 years wasted, don't waste any more time!  Don't look back in another 5 years and think "10 years, what a waste".

    Use this experience to learn and grown.  Work on your self esteem, learn how to love yourself, learn that you DESERVE someone who loves you for you and will treat you like gold.  There ARE men out there who will do this. 

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Honestly, he sounds like an ass. What are you getting out of this marriage? 

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • It also isn't wasted time if you learn something.  Of course it is hard to see that now.  I bet this relationship can help you figure out what you want or don't want in a relationship.
  • Yes - my mind thinks so - but why is it so much harder for my heart.  And it wasn't always bad - there were good times. 

    Gawd and to think I actually thought I was lucky to be with him.  I'm not sure where to go from here.  Part of me wants to go back home, but the other part wants to say h3ll no!  I'm going to stand up and make it on my own just to show him what a a$$loser he is for treating me the way he had.  Of course, he'll never get it.

  • You deserve better, really. Get out and get on with your life. Don't waste anymore time on this bastard.
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  • Ditto Muddled - please think about what you are getting out of this marriage. It is not a partnership. Partners share things and themselves and support each other - they do not tear each other down and make the other feel inadequate.
  • Your husband wants the perfect wife.

    Were you arranged to marry him or was it a love match? What is your cultural background and his? Honestly, I really think (as I said in the other thread) that you should move on. Your husband doesn't love you & is dishonoring you (I use that carefully) on a regular basis.

    You haven't mentioned kids. I think that is a good thing. I would bail on the marriage, get to individual therapy & really work on yourself. Also, I would start shopping around for a different job. You sound miserable in  your current one and you need a change. 

    I really hope that you are able to make these changes. If you need to talk we are here. 

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  • I wish I didn't feel like it was such a waste.  But I'm 37 going on 38.  My child bearing years are pretty much done.

    He actually told me this morning that I had it made - roof over my head, heat, air conditioning, etc.  Yeah and an a$$hole for a husband.  I don't even know what I want out of a relationship anymore.  I don't know anything right now.  Now I'm in pissed off mode.

    I gotta go to bed now.  Thanks for the advice - I'll read more tonight.

  • Boy, he just gets better and better!

    It would have been nice if he had agreed to go to counseling, but it isn't necessary for a counselor to see what a nut he is.  You already know what a nut he is.  You don't need validation from a counselor to take action.

    Please please please get a lawyer.  There is no way in hell you can trust him to be honest and fair in the divorce process.  You KNOW he has no respect for you and doesn't care about your needs.  He's not going to be generous or try to keep things amicable.  You need to protect yourself.  Sorry you're going through all of this.

  • imageBettyBookworm:

    Your husband wants the perfect wife.

    Were you arranged to marry him or was it a love match? What is your cultural background and his? Honestly, I really think (as I said in the other thread) that you should move on. Your husband doesn't love you & is dishonoring you (I use that carefully) on a regular basis.

    You haven't mentioned kids. I think that is a good thing. I would bail on the marriage, get to individual therapy & really work on yourself. Also, I would start shopping around for a different job. You sound miserable in  your current one and you need a change. 

    I really hope that you are able to make these changes. If you need to talk we are here. 

    Nope it was a love match - looking back now, guess Love IS blind.  Not arranged - I chose this - now I can choose to get out of it and move on.

  • imageBettyBookworm:

    Your husband wants the perfect wife.

    Were you arranged to marry him or was it a love match? What is your cultural background and his? Honestly, I really think (as I said in the other thread) that you should move on. Your husband doesn't love you & is dishonoring you (I use that carefully) on a regular basis.

    You haven't mentioned kids. I think that is a good thing. I would bail on the marriage, get to individual therapy & really work on yourself. Also, I would start shopping around for a different job. You sound miserable in  your current one and you need a change. 

    I really hope that you are able to make these changes. If you need to talk we are here. 

    No, he doesn't want the perfect wife, that is subjective.

    What he wants is a mother, a hooker, and a maid.

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  • imagepedantic_wench:
    imageBettyBookworm:

    Your husband wants the perfect wife.

    Were you arranged to marry him or was it a love match? What is your cultural background and his? Honestly, I really think (as I said in the other thread) that you should move on. Your husband doesn't love you & is dishonoring you (I use that carefully) on a regular basis.

    You haven't mentioned kids. I think that is a good thing. I would bail on the marriage, get to individual therapy & really work on yourself. Also, I would start shopping around for a different job. You sound miserable in  your current one and you need a change. 

    I really hope that you are able to make these changes. If you need to talk we are here. 

    No, he doesn't want the perfect wife, that is subjective.

    What he wants is a mother, a hooker, and a maid.

    For sure. You said it so much better than me. Embarrassed

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  • imageTaowensgirl:

    I wish I didn't feel like it was such a waste.  But I'm 37 going on 38.  My child bearing years are pretty much done.

    No they're not. Plenty of women have children well into their 40s. Like me. I just had my first at 42. Andplusalso, there are many reasons why having a child later in life is better. But that's for another day. Today you are a healthy, strong woman who can get through this!

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  • I'm glad you're angry. You should be. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. How will you spend it?

    Stick around. You are stronger than you think and we'd love to remind you of that from time to time. 

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • imageTaowensgirl:

    I wish I didn't feel like it was such a waste.  But I'm 37 going on 38.  My child bearing years are pretty much done.

    He actually told me this morning that I had it made - roof over my head, heat, air conditioning, etc.  Yeah and an a$$hole for a husband.  I don't even know what I want out of a relationship anymore.  I don't know anything right now.  Now I'm in pissed off mode.

    I gotta go to bed now.  Thanks for the advice - I'll read more tonight.

    Um yeah, but so do prison inmates.   Having it made would be having all that and a husband who feeds you grapes while rubbing your feet and telling you how wonderful you are (after he did all the dishes and cleaned the house).   I'm sorry, I got lost in the fantasy...what were we talking about?

    Oh yeah, divorce.   I'd also say that I don't think your next move should be motivated by him at all.   You say maybe you'll stick around to show him that you can do fine by yourself.   But don't you see?  You'd still be letting his actions dictate yours.   Stop that!   You need to do what's best for you.   If you're in a job that you don't like or has unsatisfactory working conditions (third shift), then you should go back to school to pursue something you want to do!   The best revenge would be to be in a place you love, with a job you love and living a fantastic life, not just making it on your own in a place where he can see that.   You know what I mean?

     

  • I'd rather have no children than to have to live with someone like your husband.  Good thing you don't have children with him because can you imagine what he'd be like to your children?  Also, you'd be attached to him for life if that were the case.

     

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  • imageTaowensgirl:

    I'm home from work now.  I've taken alot of your advice in.  I really do appreciate it.  I'm going to go to sleep right now, have to work tonight.  I've basically spent most of it crying and I'm beat.

    To answer one posters question - yes I do have self esteem issues - and I don't believe he helped with that too much since my weight has also been an issue with him.  Yup weight was an issue with him too.  I know I didn't bring that up before but I figure I might as well now.  I believe working 3rd shift and living with him definately helped with me gaining so much weight since we've married.  I was slightly overweight when we got married - now I'm 30lbs above that.

    Whoever said this, you're probably right - he probably does want a stepford wife.  I was really hoping he could go to couples counseling so the counselor would be able see what a nut he really is.  5-years - What a waste!



    Really? Your weight is a problem?

    Give me a break.

    And I am sure it's not a "honey, I'm concerned with your health" kind of "problem" with him.

    Seems like nothing is good enough for him -- not your job, not how much you earn, not your weight. Who the fook does he think he is?

    I think you should pack it in and go. There's no respect for you and respect is key in any relationship.

    Counseling is a good idea -- you need to find out why you tolerated this mess with him.

    Working nights sucks for weight maintenance.  Everybody I know who has worked a night shift either gained weight or lost it -- a coworker of mine lost 20 pounds and developed stomach problems. It all has to do with how your circadian rhythm is circumvented.

    Even so, that makes you about 40 pounds over; you're hardly morbidly obese.

    I wonder why this creep wasted your time and married you?
  • I'm so sorry but really this is for the better. If you had a child with him, every time there's spitup on something is he going to make you pay to replace it? Of course you can make it on your own, you already have been! You're strong enough for this. You can still meet someone who makes you happy and you can still have kids. If not, my BFF was adopted as a toddler. Her mom was never married, they have an excellent relationship. You can have a baby on your own if you want to. You can do whatever you want without your H holding you back. FREEEEEEEDOOOOOMMMM!!! (Totally a Braveheart reference?)
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  • imageEastCoastBride:

    But just something to think about - while you may feel it's 5 years wasted, don't waste any more time!  Don't look back in another 5 years and think "10 years, what a waste".

    Use this experience to learn and grown.  Work on your self esteem, learn how to love yourself, learn that you DESERVE someone who loves you for you and will treat you like gold.  There ARE men out there who will do this. 

    As someone that said "10 years, what a waste", I wholeheartedly endorse this.

    This is my siggy.
  • Your weight is an issue for him?!  Your weight?  He deserves a kick in the teeth.  And then his toothless ass can clean his own freakin' house 'cause you need to leave.

    I am so angry for you.

    And btw, my mother has a friend who had her first kid when she was 45.  If you want to, you will.

  • imageCurlyQ284:
    I'm so sorry but really this is for the better. If you had a child with him, every time there's spitup on something is he going to make you pay to replace it? Of course you can make it on your own, you already have been! You're strong enough for this. You can still meet someone who makes you happy and you can still have kids. If not, my BFF was adopted as a toddler. Her mom was never married, they have an excellent relationship. You can have a baby on your own if you want to. You can do whatever you want without your H holding you back. FREEEEEEEDOOOOOMMMM!!! (Totally a Braveheart reference?)

    I also smell a helluva control issue with his "you owe me money" bullshit. It also borders on abuse, imo.

    The sooner you file the better off you'll be. Getting all the financial information now is an excellent idea -- make copies of everything and put all of the information where he cannot get it, like a safety deposit box.

    And safeguard your assets. take your money, liquid assets and put it where he cannot access it -- close out the old accounts and open up new ones. Do the same for any credit cards, atm cards, etc of yours that he MIGHT have.

    I am wondering why he wasted your time by marrying you. And i wonder what he married you for. The sooner this piece of sh!t is gone the better off you'll be.

  • Call a lawyer today.  You deserve so much more than this.  Make a plan and stick to it. 
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