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If your husband confessed

that given some marital issues and how he had been feeling revealed that he consulted an attorney six months ago regarding a possible divorce, how would that make you feel?  

Without the long back story on all the issues involved, my initial feelings are that one only seeks such consultation if you have, in fact, decided a divorce is what you want and decide against it maybe because it is cheaper to keep her and you're more financially screwed with a divorce and "well, i love her enough and the financial uncertainty, let's just see how it goes."

Do people who are frustrated enough do this?  Because to me, I don't think it's a normal option.  You seek someone else like a good friend, a family member, how about the spouse you're having an issue with, or you tell her this is how you feel and what you want to do but work through it from there by other logical means like marriage counseling, etc.

Re: If your husband confessed

  • image C0FFEESN0B:

    my initial feelings are that one only seeks such consultation if you have, in fact, decided a divorce is what you want and decide against it maybe because it is cheaper to keep her and you're more financially screwed with a divorce and "well, i love her enough and the financial uncertainty, let's just see how it goes."

    That would probably be my assumption too, but I don't know. I guess it depends on the person and depends on what exactly is going on.  But, it's in the past, so if this was me, I think mostly I would just want to know is this person presently committed to the marriage or not.  If not, I'd want to know. 

  • I don't think it's no big deal, but I also think that when you're thinking about the future of your marriage, it is normal to consider your options and make sure you know exactly what each scenario will really look like. Going to an attorney brings the situation back to reality. If you're not totally happy, it's easy to fantasize about what your life could be like in a perfect world. Discussing the process in painful detail makes you realize that it's not a path to instant bliss and your life will be completely torn apart. I'm sure the attorney brought up some issues a friend or relative wouldn't have thought of. (ETA: I think talking to an attorney instead of to friends and relatives who know you is a good thing. Maybe he didn't want to embarrass you, or maybe he wanted just cold hard facts instead of emotional responses based on how those people personally feel about you.)

    Most married couples have problems at some point. Talking to a lawyer isn't a betrayal, IMO. It's fairly similar to Googling, "divorce in [my state]" and reading up on what it entails.

    Are you in counseling now? I hope so. 

    image
    "As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
  • I used to work for a family lawyer, and we had people come in for consultations and then decide not to proceed with a divorce fairly frequently. 

    ETA: I agree with Fenton about talking to a lawyer instead of a friend being preferable.
    Rita Mae - 11/8/10

    [img]http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7159/6818535497_6a02e5e851_m.jpg[/img]
  • One of the most comforting things when I was going through my sh!t was the perspective I got from HuffPo's divorce section: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorce/

    I think it's good to read if you're going through the process, but also if you're just having marital issues. It's reassuring that you're not alone and that no matter what happens, people go through these things and either come out with stronger marriages or split up and find happier lives. Either way, you're not going to die, even though it might feel like it.

    image
    "As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
  • So, I'm assuming he saw an attorney 6 months ago but didn't file and you are still married, yes? He might be the person to ask about his motivation, preferably in some sort of counseling.

    I will see I don't think it's abnormal to seek out legal advice when considering divorce. Many people do and decide (for various reasons) to stick it out.

  • We will be very soon.  We have had some very serious and open discussions in the last few days.  Counseling is something I've brought up numerous times in the past and he has refused to believe that it was needed.  He now knows exactly how necessary it is.  I am happy he has talked to me about all this but still in such shock.  I am glad to hear that someone say that it shouldn't be considered a betrayal because while I felt that way, I also felt that was possibly an overreaction, sort of.

    To sum it up, he has treated me like *** over the years and after openly communicating my feelings on how NOT okay this is to treat me this way, I eventually ended up treating him the same way as a means of keeping myself from being hurt.  While that was the wrong way to do it, I always told him, long story short, "this, this and that is how it is and if things don't soon change, this is what will happen".  I guess NOW he gets it.

  • sounds like your placing a lot of blame on him.  And I don't doubt that maybe he is a jerk-off.  But, I find that, in a marriage, there's always enough blame to go around for everyone.  And not the kind of blame where you say, "yeah, I was wrong, but only b/c you were wrong first and drove me to it - so in essence, you were wrong again and I'm awesome and you suck."
  • It sounds like you both want to make it work and put effort into the relationship. Go to counseling and focus on moving forward and changing your behavior (both of you - who did it first is irrelevant at this point) to be loving and healthy; leave the past in the past.
    image
    "As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
  • It all depends on the issues within your marriage & your DH's personality.  For my DH, seeking an attorney would be completely out of character for him & something that I wouldn't think he would ever/could ever do.  That said, if he told me he met with one, I would think that our marriage was damaged beyond repair and over right there no matter what I/we did.

    However, not knowing your DH, this could be very much a logical thing for him to do.  As Fenton mentioned, maybe he wanted a more "realistic" perspective on things...some people just need logic and cold, hard facts.

    I think as long as both parties in a marriage or any kind of relationship are willing to keep working on things and willing to keep trying - there's always hope.

  • I met with divorce attorneys (3 of them in fact) six months before I was ready to make the decision to file for divorce.  I didn't wait six months to tell my (now ex) husband about the meetings, but I did wait a few weeks.  I was terrified to tell him (physically and emotionally).  

    When I had those initial consultations, I had not made any sort of decision.  I just knew that something had to change.  There was definitely a time after that when I was willing to try to fix things.  I think there were probably times he was as well, but he expected instant results from his efforts and I think I was too hurt to give those.

  • one thing that strikes me as odd is that you wanted counseling and he didn't, then he went to an attorney, THEN he decided counseling was okay. If he felt that things were serious enough to merit a divorce weren't they serious enough to merit counseling?

     then again, like PP said he could have discovered the reality of divorce and decided it wasn't what he wanted and that he wanted to work on your marriage. I just really don't like the waiting 6 months to tell you part...

    I think a LOT more open communication is going to be necessary, both in and out of counseling, to get to the bottom of your issues. Neither of you seems to really know what the other is thinking/feeling. 

    And if the stormy weather came...I'd just kiss you in the rain... Daisypath Anniversary tickers image
  • Ditto you need counseling.  You've established some really bad patterns.

    I'm wondering why, after being mistreated by your H, and having him refuse to see a counselor, you DIDN'T consider divorce, and consult an attorney yourself!  I would suggest you also get individual counseling, to work on your own self-esteem.  You don't deserve to be treated like that, and that is something you need to work on in individual counseling, not marital counseling.

    I actually think talking to an attorney is not as bad as you might think.  I mean, if he spoke to a friend, would you ever feel that way about the friend again?  An attorney is a professional, they have to keep their mouths shut.  But a friend, well, so many can't keep a secret.

     

  • image C0FFEESN0B:

    my initial feelings are that one only seeks such consultation if you have, in fact, decided a divorce is what you want and decide against it maybe because it is cheaper to keep her and you're more financially screwed with a divorce and "well, i love her enough and the financial uncertainty, let's just see how it goes."

    I don't agree with this at all... Honestly, he may have been desperate enough or unhappy enough just to see what his options are.  Sometimes just knowing your options is enough to think things in a different light, etc.  I would say that if he has continued this search with divorce consultations even after he knows the ramifications, then maybe he is more serious than letting on... 

    But I would venture to say he was just seeing his options and what's out there.

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