Family Matters
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need to vent

ok so do to financel hardship my husband, our son and myself live with my parents and siblings. A challenge in its self. I am a stay at home mom and a college student while everyone else works. So i do alot of the cleaning and cooking and shopping. Which is fine but lately I feel like a house maid and a short order cook. Like yesturday for example: i got three hours of sleep do to a sick baby, well after everyone went to work i did a few minor household duties and the rest of my spare time i was focing on homework that was do that night. when everyone returned from work i got alot of wheres dinner? omg there is so many dirty dishes! what did you do all day. i cant find ... ! can my friends come over for dinner? i need ... i want ... GRRRRR. I lost it. I put my LO upstairs and started yelling at everyone ... i stated that i wasnt a housemaid or a cook and everyone in this house is over 18 and they could help out. Then I left for school. After 5 hours of school on 3 hours of sleep i came home to take out food boxes everywhere and sink still full of dishes and my LO screaming and everyone in living room watching tv, with the comment he just wont stop crying. After calming my LO, Frustrated from hell and a lil crazy minded I through out ALL the dishes clean or not, I had myself a food fight with anger in the kitchen and started knocking over things as I walked to the bathroom to shower. After I came out I went to bed with my LO and watched tv til we fell alseep.

This morning my husband apologized and said if i needed help just to ask. I snapped back that i shouldnt have to ask. Then I found a note from my mother stating that my rage fit was unacceptable. I replyed that it was totaly acceptable. ALthough i am greatful for them taking my lil family in during hardtimes, i would do it again if i didnt start getting help. I may be a stay at home mom and a student but its not fair that i tend to 5 others all over 18. Lone and behold nothing has changed im so aggervated.

Re: need to vent

  • 2 things first: learn to control your temper (that sounds like some fit-theres a huge difference between getting angry and totally losing all control of yourself like a lunatic) and take a spelling class at school. ask teacher to spend extra time on do vs. due and threw vs. through.

    on to your vent: you dont have to do everything. if people leave dishes then let THEM clean them up. why did you do it?

    unless that's the agreement-that you do the household chores instead of paying rent? what's the situation there? i guess they're also providing free babysitting services....

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  • Why was your husband not caring for your LO while you were at school? He is his father (or at least in father role if not biological). 

    Second PP- your mother was right, tantrums are never acceptable, however justified they may be. Take some time to cool off and evaluate the situation. 

  • Holy hell, woman, use spell check. And PLEASE take some grammar classes while you're in college. You write like a second grader.

    Your mother is right. You may be frustrated, but screaming and knocking things over is not the way to get what you want. If you want some help, politely ask for it. Contrary to what you seem to think, sometimes you DO need to ask for help if you're not automatically receiving it. If you don't get any help, then only take care of yourself and your kid and let everyone else feed themselves and clean up after themselves.

    And ultimately, if you are a guest in someone else's home (and more importantly, if you are depending on them to support you and your husband while you finish school and raise a child), then you really don't have the right to yell at them to change their ways. If it's your mother's home then she has the right to live like a pig if she wants to. And if you have agreed to cook and clean as repayment for getting to live there, then this is just part of the deal.

    So either suck it up and find a way to deal with this (talk calmly with them about a more fair way to divide chores, or arrange to cook/clean every night but one or two so that you get a break), or move out and support yourself like a real adult.

  • While I'm all about furthering your education, it sounds like right now you can't really afford the luxury of being a full time student.  And honestly, based on your post it doesn't sound like they're really educating you much anyway.

    Get a job - any job.  Why is your husband not working 2 jobs right now?  You two can't support yourselves or your child, and are depending on your parents to feed and shelter you all...where the hell do you get off throwing a tantrum, throwing dishes away and knocking stuff over?

    Stop acting like a toddler.  Right now - come up with a real plan to get out of your parents' house as soon as possible. 


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  • Your mother is right, that kind of behaviour shouldn't be acceptable. Although I agree that you should not be treated like a house cleaner/cook the way you dealt with the problem was anything but productive. Take a minute to calm yourself before reacting, if you react like a child (like you did) you need to apologize.  Let your family know in words (not yelling fits, knocking things over) that you need help, that you are stressed looking after everything and that another arrangement needs to be made. Sit down and figure out a new plan that will work for everyone together.
  • All of the above. Get used to using spell check. Please.

    Secondly, they are allowing you to live in their house. Their house, their rules. If part of your rent is making supper and cleaning the house, then I guess you have to grin and bear it. Or grow up and move out.

  • "If you need help, just ask."

    So why is it your J.O.B. to run the household and walk around asking people to help you? Why aren't the adults in the house taking responsibility for themsleves and the household they live in? How about this, how about you say "DH your in charge now, ifyou need anything from me, just ask. I'd be happy to help you."

    It probably has to do with the fact that you've slowly taken it on .. to the frustrating point that grown adults walk into the house and demand "where's my dinner?"

    And did you notice that they didn't starve to death even though you didn't cook? They figured it out. And they lived in flith because they knew someone else (you) would get around to it, or they didn't mind the mess.

    Stop taking care of everyone else, and they will manage. You don't even have to be furious about it.

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    I'm a big believer in the idea that you teach people how to treat you. If you have been going around for months doing all the cooking and cleaning, especially if you don't ask them for help, then the people that you live with are going to learn to expect that.

     I agree with your mother that flying into a rage is unacceptable. I'm also guessing that you flying into a rage is not just a result of this one issue, but instead the result of weeks or months of pent up frustration at taking care of the household without help. If this is the case then you should recognize by now that they aren't going to help without you asking.

     Maybe you should sit down with everyone and come up with some ground rules. Something along the lines of scheduling who cooks when and who cleans when. If you are living at your parents without paying rent or contributing towards bills (whether you are working or not) I do believe that you AND your husband should be doing a little extra to help the household in some way, but there is nothing wrong with asking that someone else does the cooking/cleaning up at the very least once a week so that you get a day off!

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  • School and being a mother is a fulltime job onto itself. Don't get frustrated, especially don't let them see it. I literally would tell your husband; " my job is school and our child, you need to be supportive by taking on some responsibility around here." Earn your own keep as far as the house and chores are concerned. You make the mess clean it. DO NOT clean up after the rest of the house or feel obligated to make dinner. You are not their live in maid/short order chef. I would take your mom aside and calmy explain your position and that your greatful for her to put you guys up.

    Perhaps you should get a job for the time being? Put school on hold until you guys are financially stable. Up to you. You're an adult, cut out the tantrums, it's not getting you anywhere. Good luck, stand your ground.

    PS I don't understand why people on here get so caught up with spelling and paragraphs. Last I checked this was a message board. Chill out, the girl got enough on her plate without you putting her down on insignificant crap.

  • Noone should live in fear or another's rages. I agree your rage fit was unacceptable, it wasn't without a reason behind it but they are more constructive ways to handle it (you became the wrong one by doing this)

    You need to clarify your role in the house. Do you pay rent, is helping with household chores/cooking dinner part of the agreement (I would think it would be). You need to come up with a clear idea of your responsibilities and make sure it fits in with school (like you may not be able to cook on certain nights but can some of the other nights). If you lived on your own, you/your husband would be responsible for these things to yourself so it's all good preparation for being independent.

    The spelling errors, I am willing to overlook since you sounded upset and probably didn't proofread or even slow down enough...but watch how you come across

  • Ok well this was useless ... to many of you are B****s. As for my spelling yes I probably could have used spell check but i didnt. Yes later on I realized that my "fit" probably wasnt the right way to deal with it but it happened. As for my education and finances that has nothing to do with my "fit".

    I came here looking for friends and support outside of my circle and all Im finding is more drama. Dont think ill be back.

  • Do you pay rent/utilities/groceries?
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