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Friend Woe


I am getting married next year and have experienced some tension with a former bridesmaid/friend.  The backstory: my friend, I?ll call her ?Dawn? had broken up with her boyfriend last summer.  While she was single, my fianc? and I, Dawn and a few of our friends went out for some drinks.  She then met my fianc?s good friend, ?Dave?, and they ending up talking most of the night and hitting it off.  Much to our surprise, they instantly start dating and this continues for a couple of months. 

Dawn decides to get back together with her ex and they get engaged shortly afterwards.  I was a bridesmaid in her wedding in August and everything was seemingly fine and dandy.  She was also to be in my wedding which is in May.  My girls and I had picked a date to go dress shopping and we were all set.  A few weeks ago, I get a text from Dawn that we need to talk in person very soon.  She comes over my house a night soon after and she drops a bomb.  Her now husband is forbidding her to be in my wedding due to her dating Dave, who is a groomsman, last year.  That?s not all, not only is she not able to be a bridesmaid, but she is even ?allowed? to come to my wedding at all!  This is a friend since high school, so about 12 years now.  She tells me she has done everything to try to convince him otherwise, fighting, crying, talking to him and he is not budging.  My first thought is where does a man even have the right to tell you what may and may not do?!  She continues to give me some backstory and says he told her all this on their HONEYMOON in Hawaii!!  Who does that??

I feel like he is being a total douche and this has definitely created a roadblock in our friendship.  Since she can?t attend one of the biggest days of my life, I?m guessing any future events in our lives are out of the question.  It has been very hurtful to me and I no longer like her husband and question her as a friend altogether.  Any advice?  Am I taking this too sensitively?

Thank you.

Re: Friend Woe

  • In this situation, I would try really hard not to take it out on Dawn. It seems clear that she is with a controlling/abusive/irrationally jealous man. If she ends up not 'being able' to come, don't chalk it up to her being a bad friend, but instead to being under the influence of a manipulative jackoff. i feel bad for Dawn.
  • Thanks, Katie.  That is exactly how I feel about him at this point.  It worries me that he has such a stronghold on her.  I can't see a good man doing this to his wife. 
  • It makes me sad that she thinks she has to listen to him.  If my H forbid me from attending someone's wedding for such a stupid reason, I'd laugh at him and go anyway.
    "That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
  • Her exact words were "he said, if you go to this wedding, we will have big problems."  That sounds like a threat to me.  Ugh, I can't stand him!
  • I have to agree with Katie.

    I'd be seriously worried for Dawn.  For this strong of controlling behavior to surface so quickly, I'd be worried the leap to physical abuse isn't too far behind.  Can you talk to Dawn and tell her that this type of behavior is not normal or healthy, and if she's worried about how it would look to break from him so soon after her wedding, it's far worse to live in an abusive relationship?

  • Yeah, I think you need to put your wedding aside right now and talk to her as a friend and about what this all means.  explain how this seriously concerns you, etc etc etc.  Not about how you're upset she won't be there, but how it concerns you how her DH is treating her.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Thank you everyone. My fiance has told me over and over again that this just isn't normal. We have an awkward sitution as well. I am in my ex boyfriend's sisters wedding in October. My fiance is proudly attending with me! It's the past, and we've all moved on and are adults. 

     I will definitely put aside the wedding issue and talk to her about his behavior. I'm thinking a heart to heart is needed very soon with her.  In a brand new marriage, I'm guessing she will be very defensive, but the least I can do is try.  

  • You sound like a good friend.

    image JadeL12:

    It's the past, and we've all moved on and are adults. 

    I would have loved to see your response in the "exfriend" post below.

  • I'd be more concerned about my friend.... under those circumstances.

    I think the biggest favor you can do for her is to let it go and not make a big deal out of it. She has biggest issues - her husband.

  • I feel bad for Dawn & being there for her now, talking to her and telling her your concerns is the best thing you could do for her. But my question is, did she give a reason as to why she went back to him in the first place? Was he like this before? 
  • You are not being too sensitive, but hold off on being too hard on Dawn. Obviously this man is a controlling douchenozzle. If my husband told me (or vice versa) that one of us was not "allowed" to attend a wedding for a dear friend because of an ex being present... yeah, that would not be going over well.

    With the facts you have provided about Dawn and how her husband is treating her, I truly question the dynamics of their marriage. If I were you, I'd have a heart to heart with her and make sure that she is ok- be gentle with the subject, she sounds like she is not in the best place right now. 

    I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I can imagine how painful it would be to feel like you are losing a friend through no fault of your own. And good for you for acting like an adult about things like this, unlike Dawn's jerk... I mean husband.

  • image JadeL12:
    Her exact words were "he said, if you go to this wedding, we will have big problems."  That sounds like a threat to me.  Ugh, I can't stand him!
  • image JadeL12:
    Her exact words were "he said, if you go to this wedding, we will have big problems."  That sounds like a threat to me.  Ugh, I can't stand him!
  • oops  it posted before I could write this:


    They have BIG problems no matter what! 

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