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Quick small IL gripe

It's MIL's birthday. (Background: I don't particularly like her, but I'm pleasant enough when I have to be.) DH and I have always just "owned" our own family's gifts, etc.

MIL's sister (who I'm closer to), emailed ME and asked if DH sent MIL a gift or card. WTF? I am not his mommy - check with HIM whether he did that or not. 

He called her to say happy b-day about 30 minutes ago, before aunt-in-law emailed me. Admittedly totally late in the day. But MIL doesn't call DH on his birthday or jump up and down for others. And Aunt emailing means MIL called her crying or some $hit whining about how DH didn't observe HER DAY. 

I told DH he needed to get his family in control and that they need to get a fvcking grip. I am not his keeper. He told me to delete it without responding (I did), but I can't let it go. Did BIL's fiancee get a call? BIL never recognizes anyone because he's a selfish POS. Sorry, vent over.

 

(I think I dislike my ILs more with every holiday / event.) 

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74 books read in 2011
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Re: Quick small IL gripe

  • Your husband is right. You just need to ignore it and let it go.
  • Yeah, I know. I just hate that they always ask me if he did something.
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    74 books read in 2011
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  • Either say, "You can ask him yourself. Here he is!" and hand him the phone, or if he's not home then say, "Here's his cell number/e-mail address, so you can ask him yourself" or "I'll have you call him when he gets home. Thanks for calling, talk to you soon!"

    What do they do when you say that you're not his keeper?

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  • They always email or text, and I never reply. I can't nicely tell them to ask him, without there being some crying fit. I just delete and DH tells me to drop it, that's how they are. I cannot accept that, so it drives me nuts. (But I know it's not a hill to die on, nor will they ever change.) 

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    74 books read in 2011
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  • I get why you're annoyed. The little stuff can add up.

    But... you're making some big assumptions and broad generalizations.

    First - it sounds like you actually have no clue if they call BIL or not. If they call you, they probably do call them too. So.... why are you acting as if it's just the two of you being put on the spot?

    Second - really, you can't tell "them" (i.e. - his one aunt) w/o there being a crying fit on.... whose part exactly?  because that's how "they" all are? If you dare to respond "I don't know if he called or not. It's best if you ask him directly." to just his aunt?

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • ECB -- good point about assuming. I assuming because BIL doesn't show up to any family events and when we do see him, he doesn't get the same pressures in person that DH and I get during the same event.

    But if they did call BIL - I think that's still weird, but at least they're calling HIM. Not his SO. 

    MIL and Aunt are very dramatic and have crying fits over a lot of dumb things. (When we told MIL to stop telling people about my brain surgeries and medical specifics, she had a crying fit that it was her right to tell whoever she wanted. FTR - my own aunts hardly knew what was going on, I didn't want to broadcast the info at the time.) 

    I'm afraid to engage with his aunt on this though. It could help, and I hope it would, but I fear it would tell her that she can email me and I'll at least respond and talk to DH and she gets what she wants. (She emails me "did DH update my website? I asked him toooooooOOOOooooo twice and he didn't respondddddddddd." I ignore those, too.)

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    74 books read in 2011
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  • imagekatarczyna:
    They always email or text, and I never reply. I can't nicely tell them to ask him, without there being some crying fit.

    If they're e-mailing or texting, then who cares if they start crying or whatever? If you just keep saying, "Talk to MH about it" in a polite manner, then hopefully they'll get the hint. If they don't want to get the hint and they're going to get all offended over this, then that's not your problem. They're a bunch of psychos if they're going to somehow get offended that you nicely told them to ask your husband a direct question instead of relaying it through you. As long as you're nice and polite then they can't rightfully hold anything against you. 

     

    imagekatarczyna:
    I just delete and DH tells me to drop it, that's how they are. I cannot accept that, so it drives me nuts. (But I know it's not a hill to die on, nor will they ever change.)

    Since this is his family, I would do as he asks and just drop it. However, you need to be very sure that he's going to back you up if these relatives corner you at Thanksgiving and demand to know why you're not answering their messages. 

    You're right ... this isn't the hill on which to die, and they aren't going to change. You need to come to terms with it and figure out a way to deal with it or ignore it. There's no sense in getting upset over it, because (a) it won't change anything, and (b) it'll just make you feel bad. Repeat to yourself that this is THEIR problem, not yours. 

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  • Eh.  I can see wishing these people weren't like this, but he's not going to be able to make his aunt not email you; or make his mother not complain to her sister when your dh does not send her a bday card. It's the nature of the beast.

    So. When your aunt in law emails you asking you things like this, just reply with "dh's email is X, you should ask him! Love, Sally".

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • Thanks everyone. I'm just going to drop this one and do my best to forget it... next time I'll just reply that they need to check with him and copy him on the email.

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    74 books read in 2011
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  • imagekatarczyna:

    They always email or text, and I never reply. I can't nicely tell them to ask him, without there being some crying fit. I just delete and DH tells me to drop it, that's how they are. I cannot accept that, so it drives me nuts. (But I know it's not a hill to die on, nor will they ever change.) 

    Why don't you forward to DH with a CC to the annoying ones ... with a message like,  "this came to me, but is meant for you you ,sweets."?

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • imagelivinitup:
    imagekatarczyna:

    They always email or text, and I never reply. I can't nicely tell them to ask him, without there being some crying fit. I just delete and DH tells me to drop it, that's how they are. I cannot accept that, so it drives me nuts. (But I know it's not a hill to die on, nor will they ever change.) 

    Why don't you forward to DH with a CC to the annoying ones ... with a message like,  "this came to me, but is meant for you you ,sweets."?

    I like this a lot.

    My MIL used to do this to me, and it drove me nuts. Sent me emails saying "why didn't dh do thus and such" and at first I'd try to answer, and then I just started forwarding them to dh to respond to or not. Not my problem she's a whack job.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • imagelivinitup:
    imagekatarczyna:

    They always email or text, and I never reply. I can't nicely tell them to ask him, without there being some crying fit. I just delete and DH tells me to drop it, that's how they are. I cannot accept that, so it drives me nuts. (But I know it's not a hill to die on, nor will they ever change.) 

    Why don't you forward to DH with a CC to the annoying ones ... with a message like,  "this came to me, but is meant for you you ,sweets."?

    I like this a lot.

    My MIL used to do this to me, and it drove me nuts. Sent me emails saying "why didn't dh do thus and such" and at first I'd try to answer, and then I just started forwarding them to dh to respond to or not. Not my problem she's a whack job.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • Solution to every problem that we post on this board about our in laws...Smile and nod! It may eat you up inside but confrontation is no cup of tea. I suggest to keep a journal to vent in, that way nobody can judge your issues :D Best of luck lovie
  • imagekatarczyna:

    MIL and Aunt are very dramatic and have crying fits over a lot of dumb things.

    So what if they cry?  I mean really, they are already being innapropriate with you (treating you like a dumbass child).  So what else will actually happen if they cry? 

    Will your DH actually leave you over this?  If so, then you have a greater issue within your marriage.  Your DH should be supportive enough of you to be able to send a polite e-mail asking them to direct their questions to their son/nephew.

    I swear we make it so effing hard to be grow-ups.  RESPECT is actually a two way street and there is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting people to treat you a certain way...and acting accordingly.

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • I know I shouldn't care if they cry and whine. No one else seems to care if they upset me - just because I can keep my eyes from flooding, it's apparently ok to be bonkers toward me.

    DH would support me if I told them OFF (which I've done before). It just wasn't worth the backlash afterward. But I'm nearing that point again, hopefully I can do it more tactfully this time, since it's not such a sensitive issue for me. 

    Anyway, thanks everyone for the advice, reality check, and letting me whine!

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    74 books read in 2011
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  • imagekatarczyna:

    DH would support me if I told them OFF (which I've done before). It just wasn't worth the backlash afterward. But I'm nearing that point again, hopefully I can do it more tactfully this time, since it's not such a sensitive issue for me. 

    O.k., see, this is the problem.  You don't handle this "in the moment".  You sit back and get annoyed and stew and get more annoyed and stew some more and then BOOM - you "go off".

    Maybe if you did just send a nice, polite, simple e-mail, it would get your aunt to realize coming to you doesn't work!  Then she stops, you stop getting annoyed and then TA-DA!  No reason to "go off" and no tears and backlash....

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • i would've responded to SIL 'not sure check with brother' and left it at that.
    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • Also, stop telling your MIL about your surgeries.  She's not your mom.  It's none of her business.  If she can't be trusted to keep information about your private - oh well, she gave up that priviledge.

    If she finds out later and cries that "you are shutting her out," tell her she's shut out of that info, and if she keeps up with the tears, she's going to be shut out of a lot of time with you as well.

    I hope when she starts to cry you and dh leave / hang up.  She needs to be trained like a puppy wetting the floor. 

  • I get this. No you can't change them, but you can change how you deal with them. Either put them on a filter so their emails go to your trash bin or start forwarding and cc-ing the original sender like suggested. Maybe drop a line about them needing to email him directly and can he check that they have his correct email address.
  • Your best reply to Aunt's email would have been, "I'm not sure - ask him. His email address is xxxxxx." And then leave it be.

    Guilt trips only work if you're onboard. Disembark. Or just don't board at all. 

  • I have experienced similar issues with my MIL and I just respond "you would have to ask your DS." Done and done.
    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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