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DH doesn't stick up for me when it comes to his family!

Hello!  This is the first time I'm posting here and I need some advice.  DH will not stick up for me when it comes to his mom.  She can do no wrong and of course I'm the bad wife who dislikes MIL.  What do I do ladies?

Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Re: DH doesn't stick up for me when it comes to his family!

  • In order to answer this I would need some examples.  But, based upon experience from different people on here and TIP, it's not a good thing when he doesn't stick up for you.
  • 1) You married a momma's boy.  You both go into counseling and work this out.  He learns that YOU/child are his family first.  You learn if you're doing anything to exacerbate this issue & change it.

    2) Nothing changes.  You stick around for awhile too scared to leave this bad marriage due to your kid.  You remain miserable.  You leave & learn to never marry a momma's boy again.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Stand your ground . . . and let him know when his actions hurt you.  He needs to know that you guys are a team.  Maybe he doesn't want to make things bad between him and his mom but, this is affecting you -- and YOU should be the priority here.  Good luck.
  • 3) MIL isn't truly a monster but you're an insecure wife who is jealous of any contact he has with her.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Yeah- need some examples to work with!
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • For Example - MIL says she hasn't seen us since June, even though she saw us in July & September.  Instead of saying "well mom why didn't you call us to figure something out" it's "T you haven't made plans with my family and they are wanting to see J"
    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • image ntstultz:
    For Example - MIL says she hasn't seen us since June, even though she saw us in July & September.  Instead of saying "well mom why didn't you call us to figure something out" it's "T you haven't made plans with my family and they are wanting to see J"

    My response would have been, "Well sorry B, we haven't made plans to see your mother since SEPTEMBER because you and your mother haven't worked things out between the two of you, and therefore she hasn't seen J.  I suggest you get to it so she can see J soon."

    He needs to realize you are his wife, not his secretary!  By the way, the pic of your son is darling!!!

  • "T you haven't made plans with my family and they are wanting to see J"

    Take your own advice. To this, I'd say "Well, honey, if your mom wants to see J, please try to set up a time to do so and let me know.". 

    This example really isn't about him not standing up to her. It's about him placing expectations on YOU that you dont' want to take on (and I dont' blame you- his family, why can't HE make plans?).  And in turn, it's up to YOU to say "no". 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • You aren't his personal assistant.  If his mommy is throwing  a fit at not seeing your DC but your DH has made no move to facilitate a meeting, how is that your fault?  Or how do you not like MIL?

    What do you tell him when he comes out with this stuff?

  • My sister battled with this for a while with her husband. She had more real examples than the one you posted - which is probably one of the reasons they are divorced now.

    You are not his secretary. The other PPs said it best - you need to come back at him with a similar statement to what they posted.

  • My DH parents and I do NOT get along. I wish we did, but we don't. I have learned to accept that. They "blame" me for things that are out of my control. They say I took their son away, etc. My DH is a pleaser! He likes to have everyone happy. He tells me not to worry about what they say or do to me. He tells me to let it go. He never once said anything to them to defend me. I have learned to live with that. If I want a happy marriage, I don't say anything anymore! Its not worth it. This is just the way he is! Actually my dad was the same way!! So my mother has given me lots of advise too which helps.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image Sept1799:
    My DH parents and I do NOT get along. I wish we did, but we don't. I have learned to accept that. They "blame" me for things that are out of my control. They say I took their son away, etc. My DH is a pleaser! He likes to have everyone happy. He tells me not to worry about what they say or do to me. He tells me to let it go. He never once said anything to them to defend me. I have learned to live with that. If I want a happy marriage, I don't say anything anymore! Its not worth it. This is just the way he is! Actually my dad was the same way!! So my mother has given me lots of advise too which helps.

    That sounds like a pretty miserable way to live. 

  • I totally hear ya!  My DH keeps saying he wants this happy "intersect" where both his mom and I meet somewhere in the do-able center.  My adage is always - separate but equal.  How sad is that...I have to bid for equal. 

     I've been with my husband for 10 years before I married this past May, I figure, I knew the history before the hook-up.. but I wish there was another way. Embarrassed

  • image ntstultz:
    For Example - MIL says she hasn't seen us since June, even though she saw us in July & September.  Instead of saying "well mom why didn't you call us to figure something out" it's "T you haven't made plans with my family and they are wanting to see J"

    Tell him to put on his big boy panties and make plans himself.  Why are you the cruise director?

  • I've had the same problem for a very long time with my MIL and I doubt it will ever get better.  However, my DH, the ultimate mama's boy, is finally on my side.  What it took, honestly, was sitting him down on days when there was no 'active' fight going on and explaining things that had happened in the past that I thought were offensive or inappropriate.  Then, whenever they called or we saw them, I'd do my best to point them out to him as they happened, which made it harder for him to ignore.  After a few months, he started to see that the things she was saying/doing were wrong.  She is seriously evil (no joke... she actually tried to poison me, but that's another story) but at least DH sticks up for me now.  It has caused quite a bit of tension between him and his parents, but he agrees that he'd rather have friction with people who he doesn't live with anymore than in his own home.  Good Luck!
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