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Guilt Trip from my Mother for spending too much time with IL's

We have been married for a little over 3 years and I am still getting the guilt trip from my Mother that I spend more time with the IL's.  We used to live 2.5 hours away from my family, but they rarely visited.  We now live 3.5 hours away from my family but only 2 hours away from my In-laws.  This summer, we have done our best to make it to all the weddings and family events.  We have only missed one wedding which was a college friend.  My In-laws are very family oriented and make plans to get together frequently.  My parents only expect us to drive to see them and never the other way around.  Our summer has been very packed with Weddings and family events and we wanted to stay home for 2 weekends in a row and my Mom threw a fit.  She said that there's no reason we can't go camping with them for Labor Day wknd since we have nothing going on. I finally had to raise my voice and tell her that we want a weekend at home (since we have only lived in our new, first home for 6 months).  I felt guilty after hanging up the phone but I am worn out trying to please her.   Will it ever end?  When will my Mom understand that I'm an adult and have my own life now...but it doesn't mean that I've forgotten about her.  I don't even want to know what it's going to be like when we have kids! 

Pregnancy Ticker

Re: Guilt Trip from my Mother for spending too much time with IL's

  • image esselman31:

     She said that there's no reason we can't go camping with them for Labor Day wknd since we have nothing going on.

    Sure there is - you're a grown adult who makes her own choices in life. Stop explaining things to her and giving her information she can use against you. She does not need to know how many times you see the in-laws or how you spend your weekends. "That weekend will not work for us." And that's it. No explanation, no discussion. You need to set up some serious boundaries here, especially before you think about having children.

  • Good for you for standing up for yourself!  Don't feel guilty about refusing to engage with someone who doesn't respect you.

    If you continue to set and enforce boundaries, one of two things will happen: either she will get it through her head that you have your own life and it's unreasonable for her to expect you to be at her beck and call, or she won't.  Either way, your life is a lot easier.

  • even though she's your mom there's NO reason to explain everything or to have to make excuses for wanting to stay home. that being said-perhaps, in the future, dont tell her when you're going to ILs-that way she cant throw it back at you.
    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
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  • Ditto Doglove- be careful about over explaining. The more you tell your mom, the more ammo she has. 

    But I do have to note... your IL's are family oriented and that seems to be o.k. and you make every effort to attend the MANY events they plan, but yet your mom wants ONE weekend and "oh no!!!  That's too much"....

    Why, actually, can't you give up one of those family events in order to see your family? 

    If you're annoyed that she never comes to see you, have you actually out and out invited her?  Have YOU made plans and said "Hey- haven't seen you in awhile.  We're doing ___ on ___ weekend and would love for you to join us."?

    If you have and she just says "no" and then gets pissy when you won't go see her, YOU at least now have a little ammo to say "Mom, I've tried to make plans for you to visit, but you always say no.  It is a 2 way street and I can only do so much...."'.

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Great advice everyone!  Thank you.

    We have traveled back to see my parents and other family the same amount as we have made plans with the IL's...the only thing is that the IL's come to see us at our house whenever they can.  I have invited my parents to a housewarming party, SIL wedding and to do a Walk to End Alzheimer's with us but they declined them all with the "perfect" excuse.  So yes, whenever I ask them to come they buck, but when we have an open weekend, we are expected to visit them. 

     

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • image esselman31:

    So yes, whenever I ask them to come they buck, but when we have an open weekend, we are expected to visit them. 

    I would keep inviting them and every time your mom gives you grief about not seeing you more, I would literally be like "Well, mom, we did invite you to come see us __,__, and __.  You said no every time.  Just as you're busy, so are we, and if you can't come see us EVER, I don't know why you expect us to drop everything EVERY time you want us to come there.  The road goes both ways.". 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image doglove:
    image esselman31:

     She said that there's no reason we can't go camping with them for Labor Day wknd since we have nothing going on.

    Sure there is - you're a grown adult who makes her own choices in life. Stop explaining things to her and giving her information she can use against you. She does not need to know how many times you see the in-laws or how you spend your weekends. "That weekend will not work for us." And that's it. No explanation, no discussion. You need to set up some serious boundaries here, especially before you think about having children.

    Agree 100%.

    And Guilt Trips can only happen if you sign on for them.

  • I shut my mom down every time she starts, "you can come visit me too".  I've lived out of state for 7 years and they've come visit twice, so why does the burden fall on me?  Turn it around, there's no reason she should be throwing a fit!

     

    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Wedding tickers
  • I get this too. My mom doesn't say anything, but If I talk about something new that my 5 month old neice is doing, her expression darkens and she clams up. We do spend time with my husbands family, but to be honest, we may only see them once a week (we only live 3 miles from them), and we only see my family once a week (same distance). I feel like that is enough, otherwise, I get to stressed out trying to take care of our home, work, plan time with all 3 families (his parents are divorced), and, currently, fitting in dr visits. It's hard for my mom to understand because she only works one day a week (just enought to keep her liscence), and homeschools the boys (16 and 7). Aside from that, she only has free time. Her big thing for me right now is that we should go to Florida (they have a home in Venice) with them for a week this winter. Currently, we are not taking any vacation time. We are planning to have kids soon and can roll over our vacation time to next year. Since we both work at the same place, DH's time can be used in case I need to go on bed rest with the pregnancy (I will be high risk with my clotting disorder). Also, unlike mom and dad, we don't own a business and can't just take off whenever we feel like it. Working for a rental company near a ski resort and on a lake, summer and winter are very busy for us and it is difficult to get the time off. Trying to explain it to her is like talking to a brick wall, you get no understanding or response.
    There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. ~Winston Churchill <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="D
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