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Issues with MIL

My husband's mother still thinks he'd be better off with his ex-wife. She's told him that quite a few times in the last few weeks. I don't know how to get her to warm up to me. She doesn't even attempt getting to know me. Any suggestions?
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Re: Issues with MIL

  • How do you know she said this?

    What was your and your H's response?



  • Why would you WANT a biitch like that to warm up to you?

    And if your husband says anything to her other than, "HopefulOne is my wife and I love her, and you need to stop talking about my ex-wife otherwise you won't see either of us again," then you have a gigantic problem. 

    image
  • I know about the conversation because my husband was freaking out about it and was very angry. I wanted to know how to help so I asked him what was wrong and he explained the situation. Apparently ex wife has been telling his sister in law that she misses him and now the whole family knows. He apologized to me for not believing me about the ex wife wanting him back because I've told him before that's what she wanted (I've read texts from her, not just the ones about his two precious little girls).

    I don't know exactly what was said back but he's really angry with his mother, and I know he defended me, and our relationship for that matter. She just doesn't seem to be laying off though. 

    As for why I'd want her to warm up to me, it would make the whole being part of their family thing a lot easier and a lot more conflict free. Plus if I must consider her a mil I really do want us to be on each others good sides. I don't want to constantly have to be defending myself or me and my husbands relationship.

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  • imagembcdefg:

    Why would you WANT a biitch like that to warm up to you?

    And if your husband says anything to her other than, "HopefulOne is my wife and I love her, and you need to stop talking about my ex-wife otherwise you won't see either of us again," then you have a gigantic problem. 

    This! I really hope H is sticking up for you! My friend had the same problem (mostly bc her MIL found out they were living together while they were engaged) and her H stood up for her and said she is going to be my wife and you need to respect her or you cannot and will not be at our wedding....and she wasn't there! Its a really bad situation and her H doesn't talk to his mom or dad anymore because of it, BUT he has his wife who loves him and they are a family, and in the end that is what matters! Like I said, I really hope your H is telling her she cannot talk about you like that or you do have way bigger issues! :( GL!

  • Him being really angry with her doesnt mean he did anything about it,

    Example...mom until you treat my wife with respect we will not be seeing you again,

    mom your disrespect to my wife wont be tolerated, neither will bringing up x wife. if you do so again we will no longer be speaking....

     

    get the idea?

    running his mouth isnt doing something to stop it obviously...he needs to DO something!



  • I don't know exactly what was said back but he's really angry with his mother, and I know he defended me, and our relationship for that matter.

    Good. He needs to tell her to knock it off and to treat you with respect, and he needs to cut her off if she can't follow those rules. 

    She just doesn't seem to be laying off though. 

    So then you both need to stay away from her. If she shows that she can be a mature adult and treat you with respect, then you and your H/family can start building a relationship with her again, little by little. If not, then stay away from her and don't play her petty little games. 

    As for why I'd want her to warm up to me, it would make the whole being part of their family thing a lot easier and a lot more conflict free.

    Well, she certainly doesn't give a rat's _ass about being conflict-free with YOU, does she? So why should you keep bending over backward to get along with her when she's just going to treat you like shiit in return? Stop wasting your energy on someone who clearly does not know how to behave like a decent human being, and cut her out of your life. Either until she learns how to be respectful, or cut her out forever if she can't handle that.

    Plus if I must consider her a mil I really do want us to be on each others good sides.

    You absolutely do not have to consider her part of your family. She doesn't get a free pass to treat you like dirt just because she's your husband's mother. Being a part of a family is a privledge that must be earned, not something automatic where you have to deal with abuse or disrespect just because of a blood or marriage relationship.

    Again - if she won't treat you properly, then you do not have to spend time with her as a family member or contact her like you would a family member. If she can't earn your respect then you need to stop giving it to her. 

    I don't want to constantly have to be defending myself or me and my husbands relationship.

    You don't HAVE to defend your relationship. Your husband needs to tell her, one time and one time only, "Hopeful is my wife and she is my number one priority in life. Nobody else." End of story. MIL can either accept that fact and treat you right, or she can stay the hell away from you. You shouldn't have to defend your relationship to anyone, let alone someone who's not your own family member. And your husband does not need to "defend" your relationship ... he needs to make a single declaration of fact, and then lay it on the line for his mother - treat you respectfully, and at the first sign of disrespect then the two of you are GONE. And he 100% needs to follow through with that. No visits, no calls, no e-mails or letters, not a single bit of contact.

    You absolutely do not need to put up with her bullshiit. If your husband supports you and doesn't expect you to spend time with someone who treats you like shiit, then you are golden, and she's no longer your concern. If he's for one second putting you below someone who treats you like shiit, though, then THAT is what you need to worry about.

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  • Your H needs to tell his mom that if he keeps it up, she will not be seeing him, you OR THE GIRLS.  "Mom, I love you, but if you cannot respect the new family I am creating, then we can't come by.  It's not healthy for the girls for anyone to pretend that there is a chance for me and exwife to get together."

    It is really damaging if his daughters hear that there is any possibility of their parents getting back together.  They need to move forward with their lives.  It's bad enough whatever they hear from their mom. 

  • Seriously?

    This lady thinks that her son should divorce his second wife and re-marry his first wife?

    That doesn't scream crazycakes to anyone else??

    I get that it's incredibly frustrating to have your MIL support this mythical notion of the first wife swooping in and re-claiming your husband but its quite absurd. The children wouldn't be grateful, they'd be confused and shattered all over again. Re-build a marriage with your ex? Are you kidding me? They got DIVORCED. The time for reconciliation is well past.

    His mother is crazy to suggest that it would be anything but a disaster both emotionally and finacially. Who cares if the ex has the hots him? I'm sure its quite easy to imagine that things would work out and to forget all the reasons why it didn't. It doesn't mean it wouldn't be a complete disater to go down that path.

    Stop cozying-up to this woman, she's a nutjob. Just be polite, its the only thing required for your relationship.

  • These are the sort of comments that make me exclaim, "Have you lost your ever-loving mind?!"  And walk away.  I mean, the absurdity of it all warrants being called out, but wasting any more time and energy on it then that is simply not worth it.
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