Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

MIL - wtf?

my sister is having a graduation party this Saturday and MIL decided she wanted to attend from several states away!   MIL, who has a reputation of being 'cold' towards us, is making an effort to come and it's really a nice gesture! :-)

 

DH has a long weekend july 4th so we planned on visiting MIL, SIL/BIL, and their new baby.  We just informed MIL of our visit via E-mail (we usually CC between the 3 of us).  She E-mail DH (without putting me on CC) "You realize that July 4th is the very next weekend?  I don't really need to make the trip to see you if you are coming out to see me soon....".  DH responded and put me back on CC.

 

And here I thought she was actually coming to see us and our family.   But I guess since DH is showing up the following weekend, my sister's graduation no longer matters.  =

 

Re: MIL - wtf?

  • It sounds like she meant it as you, plural, not you as in DH.
    image
  • I understand exactly where you are coming from!  My MIL is the exact same way!  Frustrating isn't it??
  • Is there any particular reason that your husband's mother should come to town to see your sister? I wouldn't make the trip if you were coming up the next weekend either. It's good to spread these things out.
    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    It sounds like she meant it as you, plural, not you as in DH.

    She didn't, I'm pretty sure.  Her and DH have a secret love affair.. I'm not even kidding!

  • image JennNJarett:
    She didn't, I'm pretty sure.  Her and DH have a secret love affair.. I'm not even kidding!

     

    what now?

    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:

    image JennNJarett:
    She didn't, I'm pretty sure.  Her and DH have a secret love affair.. I'm not even kidding!

     

    what now?

     

    To elaborate -- she is a single mom and DH is the only man in her life.

  • image JennNJarett:

    image ReturnOfKuus:
    It sounds like she meant it as you, plural, not you as in DH.

    She didn't, I'm pretty sure.  Her and DH have a secret love affair.. I'm not even kidding!

    In that case, this visit thing is the least of your worries.

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • image Muddled:
    Is there any particular reason that your husband's mother should come to town to see your sister? I wouldn't make the trip if you were coming up the next weekend either. It's good to spread these things out.

     

    We are of Greek heritage and family is some pretty serious business.   My parent's see MIL as a part of their family.  See My Big Fat Greek Wedding for reference

  • I think it is a MIL thing...its their baby....they always come first! My MIL is the same way. She is always like thanks baby - even if I bought it.
  • image JennNJarett:

    image Muddled:
    Is there any particular reason that your husband's mother should come to town to see your sister? I wouldn't make the trip if you were coming up the next weekend either. It's good to spread these things out.

     

    We are of Greek heritage and family is some pretty serious business.   My parent's see MIL as a part of their family.  See My Big Fat Greek Wedding for reference

    I see where you are coming from, but just because your mother thinks of MIL as part of the larger family doesn't mean that feeling is reciprocated.

     

    I want to hear more about your H being "the man in her life." How is this working out for you?

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • I don't blame your MIL at all for deciding to not come if you are going out to see her the following weekend anyway. No matter how your family view her, it still doesn't mean that it's rude of her not to celebrate your sister's graduation.

    That being said, I am seriously disturbed by this secret love affair, and don't understand how you aren't more disturbed by it.

  • Hm..

     

    Basically, MIL is a great woman.  She's a hard worker.   She's a high achiever.  She's been through rough times, as in her husband cheated on her for a younger and more pleasant woman.  She's strong, but she is cold.   She is critical and blames the world for everything, and at all times.   It's kind of hard to be around her.  She behaves as such around everyone.. except DH!  When I watch them interact, it's like I see a side of her that once seemed impossible to exist.  It's actually a remarkable phenomenon.  Then, I watch DH respond to her the same way he responds to me, wonderfully.  I call it a love affair.  It bothers me -- I'm definitely jealous!

  • Your husband treats his mother the same way he treats his wife? That is disturbing. My DH is an awesome husband and an awesome son, but he does not treat his mother and I the same.
  • Huh?

    Your husband treats his mother like his wife, and you're not repulsed by it? Are you also sick in the head, or just desperate to be married?

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • WTF, how is this not a deal breaker for you? 

    ETA - And your MIL gets a voice on when you are TTC. You don't see anything wrong with this whole relationship and situation? 

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • I dunno. If H treats MIL with affection and respect (like he should treat his W), I don't see a problem with that.

    If the H is telling tales out of school, running to ask MIL how they should spend the Christmas, and talking about bedroom problems, then I'd see a problem.

    So, OP, which is it? Enquiring minds want to know! 

    [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/mmbdis.jpg[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i43.tinypic.com/t6xkxy.jpg[/IMG]
  • This post is alarmingly disturbing to me on several levels. Why would you marry someone who is enmeshed with his mother to the point where you feel he treats her like his wife and you are jealous of her?

    Tongue Tied

  • image JennNJarett:

    Hm..

    Basically, MIL is a great woman.  She's a hard worker.   She's a high achiever.  She's been through rough times, as in her husband cheated on her for a younger and more pleasant woman.  She's strong, but she is cold.   She is critical and blames the world for everything, and at all times.   It's kind of hard to be around her.  She behaves as such around everyone.. except DH!  When I watch them interact, it's like I see a side of her that once seemed impossible to exist.  It's actually a remarkable phenomenon.  Then, I watch DH respond to her the same way he responds to me, wonderfully.  I call it a love affair.  It bothers me -- I'm definitely jealous!

    That is so disturbing I can't really find the right words to respond.

     

  • I don't see anything wrong with her deciding to just wait to see you guys the nextw eekend.  Gas $ is expensive!  She clearly prioritizes seeing you and DH, as she was willing to come see you, so I would not get your panties in a giant twist over this.

    The other is weird.  My MIL was a single Mom and DH is an only child.  They're close but are certainly not having a "love affair" and he definitely does treat us differently.

    I realize there are cultural differences, but you have some things to sort out here....

    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • I'm more jealous over the relationship MIL has with DH, not so much the relationship DH has with MIL.  With all things considering, we've come a long way.  Our 'negative' feelings developed way back in the beginning of our relationship, MIL pretty much ignored my entire presence, and treated me like a piece of gum on the bottom of her shoe when I did speak.  The first time we met, she did not say a word to me, not a hello, goodbye or nice to meet you.  She only talked to her son and parents.  His grampa and step grandma were there too, they all were coming up to our college to visit, and we went out for dinner.  It kind of came as a shock to me, I've never been treated like this upon first meeting a person.  DH's grandparents were nice, so I didn't get it.  And her attitude only continued to worsen as our relationship developed.  So watching the shift from me and MIL to DH to MIL was pretty hurtful.   She literally would talk nasty to me, and then turn her head 20 degrees and be all smiles and pleasantry to DH.  I pointed out this phenomenon to DH, and upon paying attention, he agreed it was messed up.  He started sticking up for me.  Coming from a Greek heritage where we treat all family members with the same dignity and respect, I didn't get her sourness.  Over time it became clear there were cultural barriers in the way.

    Since we've gotten married, she has really come a long way by turning to me and my heritage with respect, and one could see she is even making the effort to be nice!   We're cool now, I think.  Although, her being 'nice' is still no where near the love and affection she gives her son.   It's like she is giving him constant gratification, and that he can do no wrong. 

    Something that bothers me is that she has these 'conversations' with DH.   She waits until I'm out of the room, or when I'm not around to have them.  I will often hear her, speaking in a low voice to DH.  The conversation is fully one way, as it is only her voice that rattles on, unless she is probing him to talk, which is pretty obvious at that point.  It's nothing sexual, or anything like that, but she talks to him like you would talk to your husband or best friend.  At first DH plays along "oh really?  cool!  etc", but then she continues to go on and on and on, and he gets annoyed. One time I heard him say, "I don't care, mom!".  That doesn't stop these conversations from happening on an every day basis when we visit.  DH never lowers his voice in these 'conversations', only MIL.  It's kind of funny, in a way.  But just the fact that she waits until I'm not around, and lowers her voice so I can't hear, makes me call it a love affair.  At least it's a 1-way ordeal, and not 2-way!  But it's still kind of hurtful being discluded.

    I personally think the conversations are weird -- my dad and I used to talk all the time about different problems and just life stuff, but since we've gotten married we don't talk one on one like that anymore.  It's kind of assumed that someone else took over that role.  I wish MIL would see that light and start treating us like a unit!   

    Someone mentioned previously that their MIL will say 'thank you baby' to their son, even if they were the one who bought the present.  That's pretty much how I feel in our 'trio' relationship.  Somehow MIL always gives DH the credit, no matter the instance.   Maybe my emotion is a cross between anger and jealously.  Whatever, it is, it sucks!


  • image JennNJarett:
       At first DH plays along "oh really?  cool!  etc", but then she continues to go on and on and on, and he gets annoyed.

    You have a DH problem. There is nothing wrong with saying, "Mom these conversations are inappropriate and I will not discuss X topic with you." It doesn't appear he is doing that and listening to her to please her.

  • I never actually told DH I have a problem with those conversations.  Besides me feeling excluded, I'm not sure how I would argue my point of there being something wrong.
  • image doglove:

    image JennNJarett:
       At first DH plays along "oh really?  cool!  etc", but then she continues to go on and on and on, and he gets annoyed.

    You have a DH problem. There is nothing wrong with saying, "Mom these conversations are inappropriate and I will not discuss X topic with you." It doesn't appear he is doing that and listening to her to please her.

    He's enabling her.

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • Okay, so I talked to DH about my concerns.  He said him not lowering his voice is his way of telling his mom it's not okay to be sneaky.  He also said he's glad I brought it up so that it's out in the open and we're all on the same page.  Yay, DH!  <3
  • Why does he just come right out and tell his mom it's not okay to be sneaky. Clearly his "hints" aren't working.
  • That's a good question.  DH doesn't like pointing out faults or purposely telling someone they are wrong.  He is kind and gentle, one of his greatest strengths.  I used to be somewhat annoyed from his passive approach, but now I'm thankful because he teaches me a thing or too about being a better person!

     

    While it would be easier for DH to just come up front and say it, he never would.  He's too passive.

  • image JennNJarett:

    That's a good question.  DH doesn't like pointing out faults or purposely telling someone they are wrong.  He is kind and gentle, one of his greatest strengths.  I used to be somewhat annoyed from his passive approach, but now I'm thankful because he teaches me a thing or too about being a better person!

     

    While it would be easier for DH to just come up front and say it, he never would.  He's too passive.

    You can be kind and gentle without being a pushover, you know. Being assertive and being aggressive are two totally different things.

  • image bloodyvalentine:
    image JennNJarett:

    That's a good question.  DH doesn't like pointing out faults or purposely telling someone they are wrong.  He is kind and gentle, one of his greatest strengths.  I used to be somewhat annoyed from his passive approach, but now I'm thankful because he teaches me a thing or too about being a better person!

     

    While it would be easier for DH to just come up front and say it, he never would.  He's too passive.

    You can be kind and gentle without being a pushover, you know. Being assertive and being aggressive are two totally different things.

    This.
  • For the record, I think your DH is fine with his approach. It's not his job to berate his mother about something as subtle as lowering her voice. He doesn't engage in it, and really with parents a lot of the time that's all you can do.

    My DH is similar to yours. He's her only child and the father/husband just passed away a few years ago. MIL acts helpless in order to get DH's attention and help. DH totally buys into it and constantly underestimates her abilities. I don't, and it's a small source of conflict (i.e., "Your mother will email me back if she can't get the video to play, don't assume she can't do it"... an hour later, I get an email back about what a funny video it is). She also treats him like a surrogate husband at times, and it drives me NUTS. Most remarkably, they went to a family funeral out of town together and didn't invite me. DH just told me about it 2 days in advance as if it was the most natural thing in the world. I was furious, and if the ensuing arguments are any indication, I don't think DH will make that mistake again. My DH also treats his mother similarly to how he treats me, excluding the compliments and physical stuff. He's just very sweet and kind with her, like he is with me, and it's absolutely unsettling in a way that's really difficult to challenge.

    Aaaanyway, I think it's hard for our DH's to know where the boundaries lie when a needy mother is involved and there's nobody else to shoulder the burden of meeting her needs. 

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards