Family Matters
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MIL relationship

How important is your relationship with your mother-in-law? I'm getting married soon and have issues with mine. She actually tried to fight me a few months ago and told me that I am nothing and she has too much going on to deal with me. Very crazy lady. When I do see her I am civil with her, but I despise her otherwise. I only get along with her for my future husband's benefit.

She rarely tells the truth, I doubt that anyone actually KNOWS her. She secretly got married in the last few years (I think) she told some people she got married and others that she isn't married. Her own son doesn't know if she's married or not, we live in the same town and no one ever met the man.

She has 5 different kids with 3 different men. I didn't think she was trashy until she started trying to fight me in her front yard and told my fiance that she assumed I was calling her trashy, which wasn't the case.

 I have a problem with leaving things unresolved and awkward, so I told her I was sorry for my part and that I wasn't intentionally disrespecting her. She responded by saying that she wished she had reacted differently. She never apologized, in my opinion. I was on the receiving end of her overreaction and I apologized to her just to make it easier for both of us and that's all she has to say?

 Do you think this will cause problems in the long run? What should I do next?

Re: MIL relationship

  • What is your fiance's relationship with his mom?

    How does he react when there is conflict between you and his mom?

    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • I almost didn't want to marry DH because of MIL.. our relationship was that bad!   Finally I realized getting married is about me and DH, not about me and MIL.  Me and MIL's relationship has improved drastically since me and DH got married, she is really making the effort to be nice to me ever since we tied the knot.  I really think that if you put in the effort for it to work, that it will work.  At the same time, I am also thankful we live 4 hours away!  I definitely recommend staying your distance, stay pleasant at all times and suck it up, and things will get better over time.  Definitely keep your distance, though!  And make sure DH sticks up for you at all times!
  • His relationship with her is decent. They get along but that's about it. She actually started an argument with him the night she tried fighting with me and he stood up for me and was on my side because she really was out of line.

    There hasn't been conflict between us since then because we both just pretend like nothing happened when we see eachother, we both know that we have to be in eachother's lives. She is constantly talking negatively about her own family to my fiance and it seems like she's always in an argument with someone. She has literally fought with my fiance's previous girlfriends, apparently she waited the longest to get in a fight with me, which I guess is good! Hehe!

    My fiance is the oldest of her kids. He is the one she calls if she has car trouble or anything like that. Maybe she doesn't want me to take him away or something? Whatever it is, she needs help!

  • Jenn-

    We had an argument after all of this happened and I literally told him that I thought his mother had just ruined our entire relationship! I've also realized that it's about us and not her but I NEVER wanted to have this kind of relationship with my MIL, I hate it!

  • Do you think this will cause problems in the long run? What should I do next?

    Of course it will cause problems in the long run, it already is. Stick around this board enough and you will soon learn that it is the #1 complaint. Making believe that it wont matter or it will get better after the wedding is soo soo wrong! Yes, the marriage is between you and your H, but when mom doesnt repsect you and your H allows it, it will certainly make the marriage go south!



  • image vegas1010:

    They get along but that's about it. She actually started an argument with him the night she tried fighting with me and he stood up for me and was on my side because she really was out of line.

     

    But did you see this?? Lol! He did stick up for me and didn't allow it. I think that counts for something!

  • image vegas1010:
    image vegas1010:

    They get along but that's about it. She actually started an argument with him the night she tried fighting with me and he stood up for me and was on my side because she really was out of line.

     

    But did you see this?? Lol! He did stick up for me and didn't allow it. I think that counts for something!

    Yes, and what has he done to set her staight since then?And what happens next time, and the time after that? You 2 need a plan and you need to see if he sticks to it, HE needs to sit her down and lay out the rules.



  • image magsugar13:
    image vegas1010:
    image vegas1010:

    They get along but that's about it. She actually started an argument with him the night she tried fighting with me and he stood up for me and was on my side because she really was out of line.

     

    But did you see this?? Lol! He did stick up for me and didn't allow it. I think that counts for something!

    Yes, and what has he done to set her staight since then?And what happens next time, and the time after that? You 2 need a plan and you need to see if he sticks to it, HE needs to sit her down and lay out the rules.

    Mags is right on the money.  If your FI is maintaining a relationship with his mother and is going back and forth on what he really wants to do (stand up to her, or let her treat you badly) it's going to affect you until he makes up his mind to stand firm on the issue.  I would be wary of marrying someone who's family is crazy - you're stuck with them forever (or until your FI grows some and tells them what's what.)

    Photobucket
  • Ugh! I feel for you...really I do.

    Like a PP said...I really questioned marrying my DH because of his mother. She's just plain awful. I've never ever seen a more unwelcoming person in my life. She's attempted to break her son and I up, called me a slut when I was still a virgin, was horrible at my bridal shower, pretty much nonexsistant at my wedding....The list goes on and on!

    Looking back this is what I can tell you. If you love your fiancee hold on to that. Walking away over a MIL sounds silly and really...allows her to win. This being said however, you and your fiancee HAVE to agree what she does/how she acts is wrong. He HAS to grow a pair and stand up for you. Tell him what comments she makes that are offensive (guys often don't notice). Maybe even get some premarriage counseuling on the subject. I really wish DH and I had done that...it might have opened his eyes sooner.

    My DH keeps my MIL and I seperate or under supervision. It just doesn't work any other way. I see my MIL maybe 3-5 times per year (and until Friday I've lived right next to her for 2 years!). If her attitude can't improve there's no need for me to try and make a close bond. She's hurt her relationship with her son...and I know that's not my fault. I often suggest he visit her without me and such. He no longer really wishes to (unless he feels obligated on her bday/mother's day).

    I absolutely know what you mean hating to leave things awkward and unresolved. I've can to terms that my relationship with MIL is just going to be that way. It's not my fault. It takes two people to form a good relationship...if she's not going to step up to the plate then it's not my fault.  

    [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/259x5hk.jpg[/IMG]
  • I agree w/ Mags. If there are no consequences for her actions (that your FI enforces) than she will continue the behavior. It does not sound like he is on your side. I would rethink about marriage to this man or at least postpone until you can decide what you want in a relationship.
  • I think he should end his relationship with her for your benefit.
  • He is totally on my side, he stood up to her for me the night that everything happened, to her face, told her she couldn't treat me like that and that she would have nothing to do with either of us if she continued to disrespect me.

    I guess I'm not understanding how it seems that he's not on my side. I don't want to bring the subject up with her again. If he makes her apologize to me I will still have the same issues with her because the apology wouldn't be sincere. She would only be apologizing to me because she had to. That would probably just piss me off more.

    I'm mainly upset that she didn't feel the need to apologize to me first. She was the crazy one in the situation that night and I had to apologize to her just to make it less awkward for me. Nothing but time or a sincere apology from her will change my attitude toward her. I hardly ever have to see her and Fiance knows how I feel about her and doesn't pressure me to be around her.

    In my opionion he has done what he should have done. I was wondering about the relationship others have with their MILs. My Fiance is doing nothing wrong, he's done what he can do and I don't expect for him to completely cut his mom out of his life. She raised him for 18 years and he is a good person so apparently she did one thing right.

    My family would never treat him the way she treated me and it would put me in an awkward situation if they did so I understand that he has done the best he can and supports me. If your parents acted crazy like this to your Husband you would all have no problem never talking to them again? That seems strange to me.

  • Why in the world do you live in the same town as this woman?
  • image julie324:
    Why in the world do you live in the same town as this woman?

    Unfortunately my whole family is here too, I'm very close to my sister and niece and don't want to leave them! If only the MIL from hell would leave. I can dream.

  • Let's just say that if you don't get this figured out now, it will put a serious strain on your relationship. You need to come first to your husband. Period.
    I agree with everything that muddled said. You should listen to her. -ESDReturns
  • image vegas1010:

    He is totally on my side, he stood up to her for me the night that everything happened, to her face, told her she couldn't treat me like that and that she would have nothing to do with either of us if she continued to disrespect me.

    I guess I'm not understanding how it seems that he's not on my side. I don't want to bring the subject up with her again. If he makes her apologize to me I will still have the same issues with her because the apology wouldn't be sincere. She would only be apologizing to me because she had to. That would probably just piss me off more.

    I'm mainly upset that she didn't feel the need to apologize to me first. She was the crazy one in the situation that night and I had to apologize to her just to make it less awkward for me. Nothing but time or a sincere apology from her will change my attitude toward her. I hardly ever have to see her and Fiance knows how I feel about her and doesn't pressure me to be around her.

    In my opionion he has done what he should have done. I was wondering about the relationship others have with their MILs. My Fiance is doing nothing wrong, he's done what he can do and I don't expect for him to completely cut his mom out of his life. She raised him for 18 years and he is a good person so apparently she did one thing right.

    My family would never treat him the way she treated me and it would put me in an awkward situation if they did so I understand that he has done the best he can and supports me. If your parents acted crazy like this to your Husband you would all have no problem never talking to them again? That seems strange to me.

     

    I was in a very similer situation recently. My MIL and FIL both started crap with me. They were WAY out of line and they even started fights with my SIL. DH stood up to them and really put his foot down saying you need to either play nice or keep away from us. They decided after him repeatedly having to say this becuase it wasnt just once, they kept pushing me and I kept standing behind him, basically putting him in the middle of our fights. I felt bad and tried appologising, but BOTTOM LINE: you cant change people!!! If she is starting fights with everyone around her then she has some unresolved issue in her life causing this. She needs to seek some other place to get this anger out, maybe find a boxing class or something, but she cant take it out on you! You need to keep your distance and let her see for herslef that it is NOT you its her probelm. If she wants this relationship with her son and she wants to be close to him she has to resolve that other issue because it is hurting her relationships. Always leave a way for her to get back into your life, dont shut her out completly yet, becuase that makes you look like the bad guy, but if you dont set boundries I KNOW you will get more and more hurt along the way!

  • image vegas1010:

    He is totally on my side, he stood up to her for me the night that everything happened, to her face, told her she couldn't treat me like that and that she would have nothing to do with either of us if she continued to disrespect me.

    I guess I'm not understanding how it seems that he's not on my side. I don't want to bring the subject up with her again. If he makes her apologize to me I will still have the same issues with her because the apology wouldn't be sincere. She would only be apologizing to me because she had to. That would probably just piss me off more.

    I'm mainly upset that she didn't feel the need to apologize to me first. She was the crazy one in the situation that night and I had to apologize to her just to make it less awkward for me. Nothing but time or a sincere apology from her will change my attitude toward her. I hardly ever have to see her and Fiance knows how I feel about her and doesn't pressure me to be around her.

    In my opionion he has done what he should have done. I was wondering about the relationship others have with their MILs. My Fiance is doing nothing wrong, he's done what he can do and I don't expect for him to completely cut his mom out of his life. She raised him for 18 years and he is a good person so apparently she did one thing right.

    My family would never treat him the way she treated me and it would put me in an awkward situation if they did so I understand that he has done the best he can and supports me. If your parents acted crazy like this to your Husband you would all have no problem never talking to them again? That seems strange to me.

     About two weeks ago my Mother was very disrespectful to my husband. I told her she needed to apologize and that she couldn't behave that way or she wouldn't be a part of our lives. She chose that she wasn't going to apologize because MY MOTHER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! Anyway that was that. I refuse to talk to her or see her at this point until she can decide that she will respect the both of us. Yes it is hard because regardless she is my mother but to me I dont find it strange at all to put people out of your life that choose not to respect you or your spouse. I just can't imagine being close with someone who treats my husband bad. Its pretty much like saying its ok for them to do it, which would be strange to me.

  • Thank you! Now it's making more sense! I'm going to keep my distance from her. My fiance still talks to her when he sees her, which is kind of often because they work in the same area. I'm ok with him talking to her and I don't want to put him in a position to feel like he has to just ignore her. I don't feel like it's my place to force him to turn around and walk the other way when he sees her. I feel like he would resent me if I did that.

    He did what he should have done in the first place and neither of us want to cause problems or give her more of a reason to fight with us because it's calm at the moment. As it is now she is friendly with me, I just can't forgive her fully because she didn't apologize when I even gave her the perfect chance.

    I feel like I learned the lesson I needed because of this and I know my fiance did too. We both know now that we need to keep our distance from her, but we are not going to be the ones to instigate an argument by telling her we don't want anything to do with her anymore. Things are calm now and I bringing this up to her again is just going to start everything up again. Which is not what we want.

    I'm sure she somehow knows that what she did was wrong, if not, who cares. I'm not a psychologist and she can figure out her crap on her own.

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