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pulling my hair out

i am literatly at my end with my son.... everything i say or ask him to do its always something talking back questioning me argueing with me attitude i am about to pull my hair out ive tried reasoning talking yelling grounding you name it ive tried it and nothing works.... but what frustrats me the most is that he only does this with me every one else he soo good for... please any suggestions would be extrememly help for

Re: pulling my hair out

  • ... how old is he? Any examples? And who/how many other people does he actually listen to besides you?
  • It sounds like you have a classic case of teenager on your hands.  The good news is that it tends to clear up on its own within ten years or so.
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  • image timrachel512:
    i am literatly at my end with my son.... everything i say or ask him to do its always something talking back questioning me argueing with me attitude i am about to pull my hair out ive tried reasoning talking yelling grounding you name it ive tried it and nothing works.... but what frustrats me the most is that he only does this with me every one else he soo good for... please any suggestions would be extrememly help for

    Yelling will solve nothing.

    What I suggest: A set of rules that he needs to follow.

    Sit down with him and more or less write up a "contract" -- the rules are no mouthing off, being civil to you, keeping up his grades in school, keeping his room relatively neat, no uberloud stereo/radio in his room, participating in one sport and one extracurricular activity at school -- the sport and activity will be his choice.

    The sport and extracurricular activity will keep him busy and out of trouble.

    In return for following the rules, give him a decent allowance. He breaks the rules, the allowance is scratched for that week, along with privleges he has.

     

     

  • I had a step son with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. so I have experience with this sort of behavior.  Here are some tips:

    You must always be calm.  If he can get you yelling, he knows it will likely make you feel guilty later on.  It's sometimes scarier for them when you're calm, as looking at them with a steady eye while speaking, it really get the point across that you're serious.  You can scream or punch a pillow when he's not in the house.

    You must be consistent, a hard ass.  Every infraction gets a consequence.  If you give in EVEN ONCE, it lets them know they can work you, and work you they will.  They will argue, fight, and complain longer than before because they know at some point, you'll give in.  Remember:  Every infraction MUST have a consequence.

    Do not get sucked into arguments.  Remember when your mother said "Because I'm the parent, that's why"?  This is your mantra as well.  Do not try to explain; this will only give him reason to argue with you and suck the life out of you.  One of the things my step son wouldn't do was put anything in the garbage--he would pile it all up on the kitchen counter.  The consequence became one dollar off of his allowance for each item he didn't put in the trash.  He, of course, started an argument.  "What difference does it make?  All you have to do is slide it into the garbage" etc, etc.  His father tried reasoning with him, which just caused more arguing.  I stopped it by saying "It makes a dollar difference in your allowance, that's what difference it makes."  He started putting stuff in the bag after that.

     Make the consequence doable and not outrageous--not something like "You're grounded for six months."  You'll cave and/or he'll figure he might as well do what he wants because he already has a long punishment.

    Find out what hurts him most.  One of my stepsons was Mr. Social Butterfly who didn't care one whit about money.  His consequence was being grounded, which killed him.  His brother didn't care if he had friends or not, but was strongly motivated by money.  He got monetary consequences.

    I guarantee there is something important to him--money, TV, video game, cell phone, playing a sport, seeing his friends, having a door on his room.  Figure out what that is and take it away.  And remember--NO TIME OFF OF THE CONSEQUENCE FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.  Everything must play out exactly as you said it would.  If you modify, again, it's going to start the arguing "Last time my punishment got cut short, why not this time?"  One trick I found helpful when the arguing started was to state something like "If you bring it up one more time, you'll be grounded for 3 more days."  It usually stopped all resistance.

    And there will be a time you'll lose your cool and do something you wish you hadn't.  My less than perfect parenting moment came when I asked SS to vacuum the living room.  He did maybe half of it.  I told him to go back and finish, and his comment was "That's good enough for me.  I don't see why I have to do it the way you want me to."  

    I didn't say anything at that moment.  We were having chicken for dinner that night, and I took his piece and put it in the skilled for maybe 30 seconds on each side, then plopped it on his plate.  He immediately said "Hey, this isn't done!  You need to go back and cook this!"  I responded "If you don't have to clean to my standards, I don't have to cook to yours.  Bon appetite."  It wasn't my proudest parenting moment, but oddly enough, it was one of the most effective.  I guess he never figured that dinner could be at stake in the teenage years.  He straightened up quite a bit after that, but it was a battle all through college.

    You may think that your son will hate you forever if you do these things--I guarantee he won't.  My step son is now 25, and at Christmas last year he thanked his father and me for being so hard on him when he was a teenager.

    And when you institute your plan, his behavior will get worse before it gets better as he's going to test you to see if you mean it.  You have to be strong and not give in (or strangle him).

    Good luck.

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