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Relive my fathers death every week

It's been 2.5 years since he passed and I relive those horrible four days every week. The thoughts just hit at random times...nothing seems to trigger them but wonder if this is normal years later.  If you have lost a parent or someone special does this happen to you?

It's not really the loss of my dad that has made it so hard. Don't get me wrong...I miss him dearly. He had cancer for eight years and was a functioning workaholic up until he retired. While waiting for a new treatment...it just invading his entire body except his brain! That's been the hard part I keep reliving. While his body was giving out...he was very much aware of what was happening and the decision that needed to be made. The only thing that was keeping him alive was the oxygen machine...and you can't live on that. I hear the doctor asking him over and over in my head if he ( my dad ) would like to make the decision when to turn it off or if he wanted his family too. I can't imagine what it would be like to have someone ask you when do you want to die?  In some ways, I am thankful my dads mental state was not affected in the end...we were able to exchange a very special goodbye  before he passed but having the intact mental state has also made it very hard.

Why ask why, when you know you're going to get a smart-ass answer

Re: Relive my fathers death every week

  • ((hugs)) It is a fine thing to be able to manage your own end, and to have your full faculties till then, to make your goodbyes and say what needs saying. It is scary; but not everything that's scary is bad; and death, when it's time, is one of those things. Given the choice he'd have wanted it to be just how it was.

    My dad was not able to make final decisions in his care at the end; and I was the one who had to say the words that got the drs order that led to his dying. Trust me. You do not want to have to make that call. I relive that moment over and over.  And your dad didn't want you to have to make that call; and god love him, he took that burden from you and the others who loved him. He's a hero; and his strength in those last days and moments can sustain you if you let it; and can be an inspiration to you.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • image Sue_sue:

    ((hugs)) It is a fine thing to be able to manage your own end, and to have your full faculties till then, to make your goodbyes and say what needs saying. It is scary; but not everything that's scary is bad; and death, when it's time, is one of those things. Given the choice he'd have wanted it to be just how it was.

    My dad was not able to make final decisions in his care at the end; and I was the one who had to say the words that got the drs order that led to his dying. Trust me. You do not want to have to make that call. I relive that moment over and over.  And your dad didn't want you to have to make that call; and god love him, he took that burden from you and the others who loved him. He's a hero; and his strength in those last days and moments can sustain you if you let it; and can be an inspiration to you.

     

    No doubt he was a hero...but he was not able to make that call in the end...he wanted his family too. My mom is the one that chose the time and your right it was hard a a real burden on my mom. She felt the pain of making that decision even though his body really wouldn't have lasted much longer. Leaving his body in the hospital room was difficult. Even though he was gone...it was very hard to walk out of the room to go home leaving him there.

    Why ask why, when you know you're going to get a smart-ass answer
  • Oh, boston. I am sorry.

    ((hugs)) life's hard. I'm glad your mom could be there for him, and do this. Honestly, hard as it was, it was something of a privilege to help him in this last step; and it's good to know I had the strength.  Your mom did what she was supposed to do; good for her.

     

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • Thank you for your kind words Sue. So...did/do you ever have flashbacks? Life goes on I know....just wondering how long the visuals playback.
    Why ask why, when you know you're going to get a smart-ass answer
  • I did for a while. I still remember the scene very vividly; it was so hard. I've reached a point where it's not painful anymore; I feel I did what he wanted, and would have done for himself if he could have. So I have never felt it was 'wrong', so much as just really, really hard to do.

    My dad has been gone for 14 years. It was four or five years before I was able to make it so it does not just fly into my head unwillingly. It's ok, though. Just because its painful doesn't mean it's bad. You've got a great mom there.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • I'm so sorry! I haven't been in this exact situation but I lost the person I loved most in the world (and who loved me the most) about 11 years ago.

    I can tell you that it was a solid five years at least before I could think of her without instantly getting choked up. It's not that it suddenly got easier, and I still think of her every day. But somewhere along the way, I got used to the fact that she was gone.

    That made it easier for me to function without her and to think of her and feel happy that I had her in my life, rather than sad that she was gone. You'll get there too but it hasn't really been that long for you yet.  

    I'm so sorry for your loss but it is definitely a gift that you had a meaningful goodbye with him. 

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  • I'm sorry boston. I don't have anything to add but just wanted to give you a little hug. 
    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Thanks ladies! The support is so much appreciated.

    Why ask why, when you know you're going to get a smart-ass answer
  • I'm sorry about your dad's passing.

    Time does help but I still have very vivid memories of the last week of my dad's life..  We knew he was dying but the doctors had said he would live at least 6 months from diagnosis.  He passed just three months after that from a heart attack.

    At first we felt a bit cheated out of time but realized that it was much better for him to go when he did than suffer those last few month.

  • Lots of hugs to you and I'm sorry for your loss. 

    I understand exactly how you feel.  My dad passed away a month ago and it feels like 100 years since he's been gone.  He was my hero and my buddy and what shattered me the most was that he wasn't sick.  Nobody saw it coming when he died of a sudden heart attack late at night.  I try to comfort myself in thinking that although it was hard on us that we couldn't say goodbye, it was easy for him to go quickly and painlessly.

    The only thing I can tell you is what my H tells me.  You'll never stop missing or thinking about him, but each day will get easier.  Sometimes he still cries looking at pictures and his parents have been gone almost 20 years.  My co worker also told me that one day I'll be able to do the things that remind me of him and smile, rather than cry. 

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  • I'm so sorry for your loss Boston. I lost my dad to suicide in March of 2010 so I know how difficult it can be to deal with the loss of a father. I'm not sure which situation is harder, having your father decide to take his own life or having to deal with what you and your family did... either way I think they both suck. I'm not sure that I can say anything to make you feel better, but know that it will get better with time. At least that is what everyone is telling me. Best wishes.  XOXO Jamie
  • Thanks again ladies. The everyday random crying stopped about a year ago, so me being so logical, figured reliving those final days would just one day stop at as well. Just wish it was sooner than later!  Thanks again for all your support and sharing your thoughts and experiences as well.
    Why ask why, when you know you're going to get a smart-ass answer
  • I am so sorry for you!!  I lost my mom when I was 19 (I am 27 now) and I still do have flashbacks.  It happened today actually. I will find myself just daydreaming and sometimes my thoughts will go to her.  She also had cancer - lung cancer and it wasn't found til stage four.  She lived just over a year after the diagnosis and there was a lot that happened in that time that was hard to watch.  She also had to make her decisions - she was a DNR.  We were not there when she died - something that also haunts me.  When I have these flashbacks, I try to stop thinking about it and find something more positive to think about.  It's a hard fact of life, but at least our parents are no longer suffering.  Please feel free to PM if you ever want to talk. Also, I found this book very helpful after my mom died, you may want to check it out.

    http://www.amazon.com/Angel-Catcher-Journal-Loss-Remembrance/dp/0811817318

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  • I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. My mom passed away four months ago yesterday and it was a terrible way to go. I have flashbacks and intrusive thoughts too, and the only thing that's helped me through it is taking control and immeditately thinking about a good memory right after thinking about a bad one. Well, that and a little xanax, lol :P

     I hope things get better for you, stay strong. (((hugs)))

  • I relive my dad's final moments over again a lot.... so I know to a degree what you are going through.  It pops in my brain at least 2 times a week... and it is something I struggle with.... so know you are not the only one this happens to.

    I am going to counseling to see if it helps.... but I just started with it.... so I can't really tell you if it is helping or not.... I just wanted to tell you that there are others out there that are going through similar things :-)  I think it will get better.... ya know...

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  • i'm very sorry for your loss-that must've been difficult.

    i do think it's normal for us to relive or remember certain super-emotional/life changing events. i often remember parts of my parents divorce or my grandfathers death. it's been only 2 years. in the grand scheme of things-lets say living to 85 that's not a big part of it.

    if you're thinking about it to the point where you're getting depressed or can't function, then it's a problem. if not-i feel it's probably your way of dealing with his loss as well as reemmbering the last days with him.

    and FYI: the statement in your siggy should read "you're" not "your".

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  • Lurker here.

     My father passed away 4 years ago in January from a fast moving, painful cancer. I relive the 6 months from diagnosis to his death often.  The grief still hits me at random times, and often I find myself going to email/call him to tell him something.

    I was daddy's girl, and he was always my hero.  He will always be.  My way of dealing is realizing this is part of the process.  But the HUGE piece for me is becoming involved in an organization that is raising awareness for his type of cancer.  I've found another "family" there and it helps to know that I'm doing something to change the course of the disease.

     Someone on here said that grief is a chronic pain that you learn to deal with over time. That was probably the best way to describe I've ever heard.

    What you are going through is what seems normal to me, just know you aren't alone!  *hugs* 

     

  • My Mom died of cancer last year after a ten year battle...yes, watching her deteriorate and knowing how scared and confused she was at the end does still bother me.  I went through extensive counseling when she was originally diagnosed and additional counseling for a few months before and after she passed away.  I don't relive her death, I mostly miss what she was like when she was alive and what an amazing person and mother she was.  But even then the loss is not a permanent all the time thing, there are just moments when things make me think of her or when I just plain miss her.

    I honestly don't think obsessing over how he died is good for you, although remembering is not a bad thing.  There's a balance and it's ok to feel horribly sad sometimes, just not ALL the time.  How my Mom died and the fear over her being in pain and confused really bothered me for about six months after she passed and still bothers me when I think of it, but it's not something I carry with me all the time.  I'd strongly suggest counseling to help you feel everything that's swirling in your head and learn to live your grief.  For me that was the point, I will always feel sad and will always miss her but I also want to be able to lead a full life and be a person she'd be proud of kwim?

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  • My dad passed away in 2007 after being admitted for a stomach ache.  He ended up in the hospital for 3 week, deteriorating and hallucinating.  At points we thought he was getting better, then worse, then better.  I think about him every single day.  I was a total daddy's girl, he was the person I loved most in the world.

    I completely empathize with those of you who have also lost a loved one.  It is such a painful thing to go through. 

    The only advice I have is to not block out the pain, but with it to think of the good times, the funny things, and the special moments, to temper it.

     

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  • My dad passed away unexpectedly when I was 16, that was 11 years ago.

    It doesnt really seem to "go away". I think you just get more used to it. I still miss him very much and think of him every day. Some days and times of year can be brutal. When you go through different phases of life I think your grief does too. I miss him differently now then when I was 16. I miss that I am not able to have an "adult relationship" with him, and how he will not be here when I have kids. And I am sure in years to come there will be things I miss that I am not aware of now.

    I can't imagine watching as your loved one slipped away and the heartache that goes with it.  But I envy the oppertunity you had to say goodbye.

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