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Have no idea what to do. Long.

Re: Have no idea what to do. Long.

  • I have no advice, but you have all my sympathy. I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your position. 
  • Wow, I'm so sorry you've been forced into this situation.  However, I won't be telling you to suck it up.

    If you are living a life that you are unhappy living, then I think you have the right to do what is necessary to fix that.  Both you and your child deserve that.

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  • File for divorce. 
  • A couple of thoughts running through my head. 

     

    Are you unhappy, because you are wishing to be with your ex, or are you just plain unhappy? If  you don't want to be with your husband regardless of whether you could rekindle things with your ex, then I honestly say, get out of the marriage. 

     You obviously come from a very different culture from me and I realize this is easier said than done. I cannot imagine being forced into an arranged marriage at 18. Would you be able to support yourself without him? Would your family support you if you left him? 

  • I am not going to flame you. I think you are in a ridiculously hard situation. From someone on the outside my answer would be simple. You don't love your DH. It isn't fair to you or your child to stay in this relationship. If you left him would you have any family support? Or do you have friends that are going to be able to help you out? I know that starting over as a single mom can be scary...but i think that you deserve happiness and love you know?
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  • I have to delete this. I am way too afraid it will be found. Thank you for letting me get it out.
  • I am not going to flame you.

    I think the only "reason" you need to move on is that you feel it is right for you.

    I would not want to be in a miserable, unhappy marriage either. I also would not want to be married to a man who was more concerned about his "reputation" than my emotional and mental health.

    File for divorce.  And go see an individual counselor as well.

     

    Good luck.

  • I just wanted to say I am sorry you are faced with such a difficult decision. I cannot imagine being in your position and you certainly do not deserve to be flamed.

    If you are truly thinking of leaving your husband, do you have the means to support yourself and your child long-term? Did you go to college and/or have a career path?

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  • I typed out a whole response.

    Then I thought... April Fool's?

    I have thoughts.  I'm going to wait until April 2nd to see if they're still relevant.  Sorry if this isn't mud, but people are aholes this time of year.  Go figure.

  • I'm sorry about your situation. I don't know what to tell you to do.

    In a way, I want to tell you to suck it up because it almost seems like you are bored, rather than unhappy. But at the same time, I cannot imagine being married to someone I don't love.

    Good luck with your decision.

  • Are you working now?  Do you have a way to support yourself?  If not, I would start looking for opportunities.  It will give you a way to build a network too, which you will need.

    Do you have any close friends you can stay with for a little while? I assume your parents are out of the question?

    Before you do anything, I would definitely talk to a counselor and an attorney.  You don't need your husband's permission to see a counselor. If you can't afford it on your own, find a women's center that will provide free or reduced fee sessions. They should also be able to give you some names of attorneys who you can talk to figure out what you need to protect yourself and your child. (Be sure to ask about your rights for custody/visitation.  I don't know if your husband is the type that might threaten or try to get full custody to "convince" you to stay.)

    If you decide to leave, I recommend doing it on your own and not to contact your ex until you've established yourself on your own.  You need some time to learn who you are.  

    And good luck, whatever you decide. I'm so sorry you have to make this choice.

  • DH went out with his brother so I can be on the computer a bit longer. 

    I can't support myself in our current living situation. If I decide to leave him my family will support him. I am frightened of losing our kid. I do have a 4 year degree (Graduated in December- Biology 3.8 GPA) and we have talked about me going to medical school. I am currently a SAHM and have been studying for the MCAT to apply this cycle. If I divorce him I will obviously give this up. Right now I'm not allowed to get a job mostly because I wouldn't be able to get a job of the correct status.

    I don't know what will happen if I leave him. I don't feel right going to an "abused women's shelter" that I know of for legal advice because I am not being abused. All of my friends are a part of our community. My friends from before the marriage disappeared after my wedding.

    I also don't know what to do if I do get a divorce. I'll still probably miss my ex, maybe I'll even miss my DH. I have no idea what I would do with my life. What if I am still miserable? It seems to be such a huge risk with no promise of a reward. I can't lose my kid.

  • I think I could see a counselor secretly but is there anyway he could find out? He is a doctor and I don't know if he'd try to find out. I would probably have to pay cash but it could work if it's not too expensive.
  • I know this might sound like a weird question, but do you live in a community with a lot of other people in a similar situation. There might be some kind of support group out there that could help you out.
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  • image karinothing:
    I know this might sound like a weird question, but do you live in a community with a lot of other people in a similar situation. There might be some kind of support group out there that could help you out.

    I have 3 sisters. 2 of which I am very close to. Neither understands where I am coming from. Everyone tells me how lucky I am & how great my husband is. I brought up to my mother who I thought I had gotten closer to that I still felt nothing towards my husband and she got extremely angry.

    Thank you for your help everyone. I think I will seek private counseling and go while he is at work. Signing off for the night so I can clear my history before he gets home. 

  • I would speak with a domestic violence advocate.  No, you're not being physically abused, but he is displaying a lot of warning signs that are really troubling.  He sounds extremely controlling to the point where you are afraid of him.

    They will be 100% confidential and will be able to help you get you the help you need, even if you aren't in any physical danger.  Many DV shelters have 24-hour hotlines as well.

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  • image budget101ae:

    I don't know what will happen if I leave him. I don't feel right going to an "abused women's shelter" that I know of for legal advice because I am not being abused.

    I wasn't talking about a center just for abused women.  In my city we have an amazing women's center that provides all kinds of resources on a sliding fee.  They actually help men too, despite the name.  It's NOT just for abuse.
  • image budget101ae:

    I also don't know what to do if I do get a divorce. I'll still probably miss my ex, maybe I'll even miss my DH. I have no idea what I would do with my life. What if I am still miserable? It seems to be such a huge risk with no promise of a reward. I can't lose my kid.

    There are no guarantees in life, but I'm guessing that you will find a way to be happy once you are out of this situation.  But I also highly recommend talking to a counselor before you do anything.  A good counselor can help you sort through the basis for your unhappiness.  Also ask about resources for finding a support group that will help you if you do decide to leave.  I am certain that it will get harder before it will get easier.  It sounds like both he and your parents will make this very difficult for you.  I'm sorry. 

  • Don't have anymore children with him!  Go to medical school so you have a means of supporting yourself. This will also get your mind off of your situation.   And if you can stick it out stay with him until your child is an adult(18 years old).  Then you won't have to worry about losing your child to him.   If you leave him now you will only be hurting your child.  Your child doesn't deserve a life with a mother who has no support and no means to support them.    He is not abusing you and your child so it's not like you or your child is in danger.  You can move on with your life when you are in a better financial situation and can support yourself and your child and you can get the best legal team behind you.

  • image littlemermaid:

    Don't have anymore children with him!  Go to medical school so you have a means of supporting yourself. This will also get your mind off of your situation.   And if you can stick it out stay with him until your child is an adult(18 years old).  Then you won't have to worry about losing your child to him.   If you leave him now you will only be hurting your child.  Your child doesn't deserve a life with a mother who has no support and no means to support them.    He is not abusing you and your child so it's not like you or your child is in danger.  You can move on with your life when you are in a better financial situation and can support yourself and your child and you can get the best legal team behind you.

    Umm really. This is horrible advice. "Stay in a loveless marriage where your husband basically controls you?" Mother can move out and get child support and a job to support the child. There is NO reason to stay in a bad marriage.

    <img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KvhQGVWdDdk/SwKiW36mNMI/AAAAAAAABi0/BkBtf5ZvpCo/s1600/avocado1.jpg" width="100">, [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/wl6gzs.gif[/IMG]
  • image littlemermaid:

    Don't have anymore children with him!  Go to medical school so you have a means of supporting yourself. This will also get your mind off of your situation.   And if you can stick it out stay with him until your child is an adult(18 years old).  Then you won't have to worry about losing your child to him.   If you leave him now you will only be hurting your child.  Your child doesn't deserve a life with a mother who has no support and no means to support them.    He is not abusing you and your child so it's not like you or your child is in danger.  You can move on with your life when you are in a better financial situation and can support yourself and your child and you can get the best legal team behind you.

    What the hell? Yeah, it is WAY better for her daughter to grow up with a miserable mother and a loveless (and it sounds controlling) marriage to learn her own expectations for relationships in her future.

    She would not be hurting her child as she left her husband, sheesh. There are ways to protect herself and her child and be able to find finances and resources to care for her child and herself. 

    Go back under the sea.

  • image RaiKai:
    image littlemermaid:

    Don't have anymore children with him!  Go to medical school so you have a means of supporting yourself. This will also get your mind off of your situation.   And if you can stick it out stay with him until your child is an adult(18 years old).  Then you won't have to worry about losing your child to him.   If you leave him now you will only be hurting your child.  Your child doesn't deserve a life with a mother who has no support and no means to support them.    He is not abusing you and your child so it's not like you or your child is in danger.  You can move on with your life when you are in a better financial situation and can support yourself and your child and you can get the best legal team behind you.

    What the hell? Yeah, it is WAY better for her daughter to grow up with a miserable mother and a loveless (and it sounds controlling) marriage to learn her own expectations for relationships in her future.

    She would not be hurting her child as she left her husband, sheesh. There are ways to protect herself and her child and be able to find finances and resources to care for her child and herself. 

    Go back under the sea.

    ha ha ha this line made my day 

    <img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_KvhQGVWdDdk/SwKiW36mNMI/AAAAAAAABi0/BkBtf5ZvpCo/s1600/avocado1.jpg" width="100">, [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/wl6gzs.gif[/IMG]
  • image RaiKai:
    [

    Go back under the sea.

     

    Good one!!  LOL!!!

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