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More 'adoption' follow-up...talk me down!

A quick background for those unfamiliar with my saga:

I've been DSS's stepmom and primary caretaker (SAHM, Student) for nearly six years now. His mom sucks. Doesn't call, forgets birthdays, Christmas, doesn't allow him to visit her, etc.

After saying she would never allow me to adopt him, she's arrested a month or so ago for non-payment of child support, and magically changes her tune. She agrees to sign the papers so I can adopt him. DH asks BM if we can have DSS's half-sister (who he raised for years as his own daughter) for a visit over spring break. She agrees.

Now the part that has me ready to smack a ***:

 Why, after years of not allowing us to even speak with DSS's half-sister, did she agree to let us keep her for a week?

Why, so BM could run off to Busch Gardens without her, of course!

The reason this makes me so incredibly angry is that BM in her perpetual irresponsibility has allowed herself and her daughter to become homeless recently. They finally got an apartment after having no place to live, and within ONE MONTH of moving in, were evicted from the apartment. She and her daughter are now living with BM's new boyfriend. What will happen to her when the boyfriend gets wise and kicks her out? She'll be homeless again.

So basically, this poor girl gets to pay for her mother's mistakes time and time again, but never gets any of the benefits. Her mom has a long history of dumping her with various relatives in order to run off to vacations and theme parks.

I have five kids. I take responsibility for each and every one of them every day. I would certainly take a few days alone with DH to go on a vacation by ourselves if we had the opportunity, but you wouldn't catch me going to theme parks without my kids. And I certainly wouldn't blow my money at f*cking Busch Gardens when I didn't have a job or stable place to live.

Someone please talk me down. I feel the rising urge to smack a ***. And I'm a pacifist, but I would certainly turn my ring around for this one.

Re: More 'adoption' follow-up...talk me down!

  • Child neglect gets me irate as well.

    Also, start documenting all of this, if you haven't already. 

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Maybe you can adopt her, too.
    image
  • Well, what do you expect?

    Sure, it's infuriating. She is a terrible mother, but you knew that already. Channel your anger into making sure that you have a great week planned for your SS's sister. Show her what it means to be loved, valued, and put first.

    Do NOT say anything to the mother about this. Don't do anything to jeopardize potential future visits.

    And, if you're all lucky, she'll just never come back to collect her daughter and you all can forget she ever even existed.

  • image casmgn:

    Well, what do you expect?

    Sure, it's infuriating. She is a terrible mother, but you knew that already. Channel your anger into making sure that you have a great week planned for your SS's sister. Show her what it means to be loved, valued, and put first.

    Do NOT say anything to the mother about this. Don't do anything to jeopardize potential future visits.

    And, if you're all lucky, she'll just never come back to collect her daughter and you all can forget she ever even existed.

    Agreed.  The minute you say one negative thing to the mother is the minute she'll pull those kids out of your life so fast your head will spin.  Be nice, be polite, and do everything you can to do what's best for the kids.

    image Visit The Nest! Love to scrapbook!
  • image MarynJoe:
    image casmgn:

    Well, what do you expect?

    Sure, it's infuriating. She is a terrible mother, but you knew that already. Channel your anger into making sure that you have a great week planned for your SS's sister. Show her what it means to be loved, valued, and put first.

    Do NOT say anything to the mother about this. Don't do anything to jeopardize potential future visits.

    And, if you're all lucky, she'll just never come back to collect her daughter and you all can forget she ever even existed.

     


    Agreed.  The minute you say one negative thing to the mother is the minute she'll pull those kids out of your life so fast your head will spin.  Be nice, be polite, and do everything you can to do what's best for the kids.

     

     

    Well, she doesn't have the authority to remove DSS since DH has custody, but yes, I agree. I will not say anything to her, which is why I come here to vent instead.

    We will definitely have many fun things to do while she's here, and hopefully her mother will allow future visits, but she also has a history of only allowing visitation when she needs/wants something from us (free babysitting, etc.)

    It sucks to be used, and it sucks more to feel like you have to allow and even encourage it, in order to preserve a valued relationship. But that's life, right?
  • It does suck to be used - but just keep thinking about the fact that even though she uses you for free babysitting, that still allows your SS to see his sister, and for this girl to know what a normal, loving home is like, even if just for a week at a time.

    You might even want to start forwarding her great travel deals on a weekly basis in hopes she will go away more often!Stick out tongue

    These kids are lucky to have such a caring person fighting for their welfare. You should be very proud of yourself.

  • image MegPlusFive:

    It sucks to be used, and it sucks more to feel like you have to allow and even encourage it, in order to preserve a valued relationship. But that's life, right?

    Don't look at it as her using you for baby-sitting time. Look at it as you using her selfishness for time to show this little girl what it's like to be loved.

    (An unmatched left parenthesis creates an unresolved tension that will stay with you all day.

    image
    The Princess of Anything is Coming!

    Had a dream I was queen.
    Woke up. Still queen.
  • image QueenofAnything:

    image MegPlusFive:

    It sucks to be used, and it sucks more to feel like you have to allow and even encourage it, in order to preserve a valued relationship. But that's life, right?

    Don't look at it as her using you for baby-sitting time. Look at it as you using her selfishness for time to show this little girl what it's like to be loved.

    So true.  She thinks she's manipulating you when it's actually you getting what you want from her.  And the kids getting what they need as well.  She's a nutjob and you're a great mom!

    image Visit The Nest! Love to scrapbook!
  • Thank you all. I'm not bitter about providing babysitting, I just have very strong feelings about people "getting away with" things. Especially when their behavior hurts others. I keep reminding myself that she has already lost out on something extremely precious - a relationship with her son.
  • image MegPlusFive:
    Thank you all. I'm not bitter about providing babysitting, I just have very strong feelings about people "getting away with" things. Especially when their behavior hurts others. I keep reminding myself that she has already lost out on something extremely precious - a relationship with her son.

    I am exactly the same way.  But I've learned that to step back and not let their behavior hurt me is the best revenge.  My favorite Dr. Phil quote "You can't change other people's behavior.  You can only change how you react to it."

    image Visit The Nest! Love to scrapbook!
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