June 2009 Weddings
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Question/Vent

**Disclaimer - I'm home from work today because I pulled a muscle in my neck and I'm taking some heavy duty pain meds.  If the following post sounds like the ramblings of an intoxicated person, it's because that's sort of what I am right now!**

Were you the first out of your group of friends to get married?  If so, did you feel uncomfortable talking about your wedding with them?

I was the first and I never felt comfortable talking about it.  Ever.  In fact, I made it a point to only talk about it if someone asked me a question...which hardly ever happened.  I really didn't want to be "that girl" who talked nonstop about her wedding, especially since a lot of my friends were single at the time. 

Now 2 of my friends are engaged and that's all we talk about.  It seems like everyone else is so excited for them and they actually want to know about their plans.  Meanwhile, 2 years ago no one cared.  They were more interested in going out and hooking up.  This sounds bratty, but it hurts my feelings.  I felt like I had no support back then.  Granted, over the last 2 years most of my friends have "settled down" quite a bit and the majority of them are in serious relationships.  I get that timing is a big factor and I shouldn't let it bug me.  But it does.  And the icing on the cake is now I feel like I can't talk about my house because we're constantly talking about weddings!  Sigh.

OK, vent over.

Re: Question/Vent

  • I was kinda first-ish.

    A friend of mine/one of my bridesmaids was married three years before me, but we only really became friends while she was planning her wedding anyway. I had another set of friends get married, but because of their age/religion, no one was really surprised about that one. I had two other close married friends, and then everyone else was either single, just started dating someone, or "settled down."

    I think it was actually hardest for me to talk about it with the ones who had been in relationships a while but hadn't gotten engaged yet. This was especially true with my MOH -- she and her (now) husband had been dating almost six years when my husband proposed to me (after three years of dating). She and her husband didn't get engaged until the weekend before our wedding. It was always a little awkward knowing that she though she'd be first to get married, but she was so supportive and always WANTED to talk about my wedding, so it seemed okay.

    I wonder if your friends fed off of your reluctance more than you realized...you said you didn't talk about it much; maybe they were following your lead? If you had talked about it as much as your two now-engaged friends, do you think the group would have been as excited/supportive? Also, was the going out/hooking up normal behavior for them, or did it start after you got engaged? (I've known women who get the "Oh crap, she's getting married and I'm still single, I'm going to drink/sex my sorrows away" disease...).

    Time is also a huge factor. If I had gotten married two years earlier than I did, I'm sure I would have had slightly less support. Age/life experience play a big part in who behaves how during a wedding planning process, especially in how those "outside" the couple behave.

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  • imageSBS0628:

    I wonder if your friends fed off of your reluctance more than you realized...you said you didn't talk about it much; maybe they were following your lead? If you had talked about it as much as your two now-engaged friends, do you think the group would have been as excited/supportive? Also, was the going out/hooking up normal behavior for them, or did it start after you got engaged? (I've known women who get the "Oh crap, she's getting married and I'm still single, I'm going to drink/sex my sorrows away" disease...).

    That's a good point and I have to admit that it did occur to me, too.  I honestly think my friends aren't that intuitive, though.  They're too egocentric (I know that sounds bad, but I'm just stating a fact).  And the going out/hooking up behavior was the norm for them at that time.  They just stopped inviting me along after I got engaged.

  • I think that's just the way it goes.  I was the first to get married (and still am the only one), and no one wanted to talk about it.  Now I'm the first to have a kid and no one really wants to have a talk about that, either.  My bf calls me and says "How are you?" and I say "Fine" because that's what you say, then, "How are you?" and she launches into 20 minutes worth of problems.  I didn't realize that "How are you?" was my one chance to talk about how I'm exhausted and enormous and terrified of having a child but really looking forward to meeting her and hoping everything works out, etc., but whatever.  People just are self-centered.  Almost 100%.
  • imageLarkNow:
    People just are self-centered.  Almost 100%.

    Pretty much this. I think we're all guilty of it but that doesn't make listening to other people any less annoying. 

    I did talk about my wedding quite a bit, but my friends were either in semi-serious relationships or were the type who enjoyed wedding-related chat. My SIL was miserable to be around but that is a separate issue altogether. The one wedding related thing that really hurt me was when my childhood BFF bailed as a bridesmaid to take a cross country road trip and a few months later gushed on FB about being a bridesmaid in another girl's wedding and how excited she was. 

    image
  • imageLarkNow:
    My bf calls me and says "How are you?" and I say "Fine" because that's what you say, then, "How are you?" and she launches into 20 minutes worth of problems.  I didn't realize that "How are you?" was my one chance to talk about how I'm exhausted and enormous and terrified of having a child but really looking forward to meeting her and hoping everything works out, etc., but whatever.  People just are self-centered.  Almost 100%.

    That's how my conversations with my friends always go, too.  I get told I'm a good listener a lot.  Ha.

    I really appreciate the responses.  It felt good to get that off my chest and it feels even better knowing others have had similar experiences.

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