October 2009 Weddings
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A Question for 2/17/11

Think of your mother...whatever age she is now...and what she is doing.

What would you like your life to look like when you get there?

My mother turned 70 this past December.  She was 16 when she got married and 17 when I was born.  She went on to get a HS diploma, a BS and a MA in English, which is not bad for someone who lived in Germany until she got married.  She is amazingly intelligent, observant, and wonderful with animals and small children.

Unfortunately, she never got over her anger at the bad things that happened to her early.  She got more and more bitter and has pushed away everyone but my father.  She is essentially alone, of her own design.  She has refused to get help.  I've spent most of my life NOT being her.  I intend to continue!

Did I think this is where I would end up?  Heck no.  I knew I'd be with Gary, and I knew we'd have a child, a house and a bunch of pets.  The rest has been a complete surprise!

When I am 70, I'd still like to be my daughter's best friend, married to my amazing husband, still singing, dealing with a load of pets, doing my volunteer work, being buddies with my grandkids, and walking on the beach each and every day.

My baby girl is a married woman...and now my baby girl HAS a baby girl. Time unfolds in such an amazing way. I've been blessed!

Re: A Question for 2/17/11

  • This is such a great question!

    My mother just turned 50 this past tuesday. She is married to the love of her life (30 years last September...she got married so young!), in a career she really enjoys (Dental Assistant), taking time to do things for herself (because she never did when we were kids), going out with her girlfriends, volunteering, and her goal for this year is to try new things (we are going to see Bon Jovi together at the end of the month and her friend and I are working on getting her to get a tattoo :)). And, hopefully the highlight of her life so far :), she is thoroughly enjoying her new role as a Grammy, spoiling the crap out of my child and savoring every moment of the payback I'm getting for the grief I gave her (and relishing in the joy of knowing that I now fully understand what it is like to have your heart and soul outside of your body).

    When I'm 50, I hope to be exactly where my mother is. I'd still like to be as in love with my husband as my mother is with my father, in a job I love with coworkers I can call family (it has been such a blessing to me and my brother to have our "other mothers" since my mom has worked with them since we were kids!), with a son in college, a home with lots of land and a dog or two, and tons of energy to get out and see the world (and hopefully the income/savings to support that!).

     

  • Think of your mother...whatever age she is now...and what she is doing.

    What would you like your life to look like when you get there?

     

    My mother....had a lot of problems, to the extent that my father became a single father in  1974, no small feat! (I love that man!). She continued to have a trouble life, and aside from attempts to kidnap me and my childhood fantasies of who she was, I didn't know her much. When my daughter was born, I sent her a birth announcement from another state, so she would know, but be unable to contact me. She eventually died in prison (she shot an officer on federal property), and I hope she found peace.

    I've spend a lifetime obsessing about similarities (vicious mood swings,dislike of driving, the fact that we both liked to write, and according to my dad, she had a wicked sense of humor). 

    I hope that from here on out, I can live a peaceful, quiet kind of life, one she may have wanted but been able to acquire for herself.

  • Ooh... good question. My mom is 56. She was a stay at home mom when we were growing up (I'm so thankful for that), started college when my brothers were finishing up high school, and now does private practice therapy AND runs a children's mental health center.  She and my dad have been married almost 35 years and work together on a candelabra rental "side job."  She is very healthy -- probably the healthiest she's ever been in her life.  She is also the most emotionally healthy I've known her. So I definitely hope to follow in her footsteps in being in a long marriage and being healthy physically and emotionally by the time I'm in my mid 50s.  She is very giving and supportive of her friends/family and those are great traits I'd like to have as well.  One thing I want to look different is that she and my dad have never figured out how to relax and play together and she really struggles to relax on her own as well.  DH and I do I pretty good job enjoying down time together and I hope to continue that throughout our marriage.  I think down time is very important to all aspects of health and I'm working on making it a priority in my life now and I hope to be at a good place at that point when I'm older as well.  The interesting thing for me to think about as far as when I'm her age is that if DH and I decide to try for children, our kids will be 10+ years younger than my brothers and I are now which will probably make our place in life very different.
  • My mom is 56 years young and she is working full time at my Dad's office and also taking care of my Grandma which is basically a part time job (but less strenuous now that my Grandpa, who had dementia and as part of that developed some OCD behaviors, has passed on). 

    My mom has a playful streak and is an over-all dork - in a good way.  She doesn't take herself too seriously and I love that about her.  She gives wonderful advice which I didn't appreciate as a younger woman but now she's my go-to gal when I need a listening ear.  She is interested in my life but not in an overly clingy or invasive way which I have to imagine is a tough balance to achieve.  I think that the biggest compliment I can pay her is that I really like spending time with her.

    The only thing I wish my mom was better at is not being afraid of conflict and being more assertive.  She's such a people pleaser that she sometimes gets steamrolled or taken advantage of by family members who work that to the limit.  My Dad, whom I love dearly, can be a real butthead sometimes and she  just really lets him get away with it.   That being said, she is starting to take less guff from extended family members - especially when it comes to taking turns dealing with my Grandma - and for that, I'm so proud of her.  I can't imagine how difficult that must be to change habits you've had your whole life like that.  I give her mad props for it. 

     If I turn out like my mom, I'd say that my kids are pretty lucky.

  • My mom is 47. Since I graduated from college, she has started drinking frequently and she is also a heavy smoker. She's been a hard worker her whole life, and has had some of the worst luck of anyone I've ever known.

    She and my father are still together, though, and that is pretty much the extent that I aspire to be like her in. My mom literally drives me nuts most of the time - she interrupts people, and over-talks, and is in general always in AW mode.

    SO...when I'm her age, I hope that my child(ren) doesn't/don't think I am just trying to stay young forever. I hope that I am not annoying and that people don't mind talking to me!

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  • My mom is almost 54, on disability, living with a man who doesn't want her there, has zero money or hobbies, other than trying to drown her sorrows away at the local bar all. the. time, and is riddled with guilt for not being a better mother/daughter/sister/wife. She calls me crying and I give her money (not lend, or she will never call me because she feels bad that she can't pay it back). She tells me she just doesn't want to wake up anymore. So no. I don't want to be anything like my mother, and it breaks my heart to say it.
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  • I love my mom so much; so much so that it pains me to admit this, but...

    I wouldn't want to be where she is today.  She will be 50 next year and I think she regrets not doing more with her life, though she would never admit it.  I hate all of the things that she put up with just b/c she felt like she had to.  She stayed married to my sperm donor for 17 years and was miserable.  I was miserable all of those years, too.  She remarried 5 years ago to a wonderful man, one who I call dad and am damn proud to do so.  But their marriage sucks.  They don't talk at all.  They yell, argue, go for days without saying more than 2 words to each other, rarely give each other a kiss/hug; they both complain about the other to everyone but each other and it sucks.  She hates her job but stays b/c its all she's ever known.  She's been there for over 20 years and can't see past the fact that she has been there that long.  She acts like she doesn't deserve to be happy.  My younger sister has been living with them since mid-December w/ her 3 kids.  My mom feels like those kids are her responsibility, so she runs herself ragged bathing, feeding, playing, etc. w/ them every day.  She works 10+ hours a day, then comes home and takes care of 3 kids all night.  She is exhausted.  She raised her 3 kids and now instead of being a grandma and just periodically enjoying her grandkids company, she is pretty much raising them.

    I love my H and couldn't have asked for anyone better.  I hope to be happily married to him at 50 and way beyond that.  I hope that we continue to be as open w/ our communication as we always have been w/ each other.  I couldn't love anyone more than I love him, and there won't be a day where we don't speak, hug, or kiss.  I won't have children b/c I should, and even though we get immense pressure from both of our parents, we aren't going to have kids at all (now if they could just get on board w/ it; we've never hidden that).  I want to be happy, healthy, loved, traveling the world w/ H, doing whatever we want, whenever we want.  I don't want to be stuck in a life that I hate.  I don't want to be unhappy with any aspect of my life.  I want to be a wonderful Criminal Psychologist, working in the field and making a difference.  Knowing that everything I do, whether its in my personal or professional life, is exactly what H and I have striven for.

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  • My mother will be 58 on Saturday and she has had an "interesting" life thus far. She lost her mother when she was 28 and 8mths pregnant with me and then lost her father when she was 33. I having just turned 30 could not imagine life without my parents. Her and my father have been married for 37 years the last 3-4 of which has been spend helping him become a "recovering" alcoholic. They have a good if not sometimes rocky relationship mostly due to the drinking. However our home was always happy and she made sure that even when times were rough with them we were always well looked after and cared for. When he moved to Alberta for work she stayed in Newfoundland and worked fulltime and let me finish high school with the friends I had since Kindergarten. She makes sure she puts everyone first and herself last which does bug me from time to time because sometimes she's exhausted but never admits it. She works full time still, has hobbies she enjoys, is current and with the times and we've develped quite a bond over the years.

    When I get to be her age I wouldn't want my life to be that much different. In a nice house in a good neighbourhood. Able to travel and enjoy myself. I wouldn't want to be retired because I think I would be bored. I would like to have a realtionship with the Mr but to have it be a bit easier then her's has been with my dad. I just want to be content and happy.

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