Family Matters
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No light at the end of the tunnel......

I come from a very close Portuguese family. My dad always says we're thicker then theives..... until 2months ago.

My Dad has alot of health problems and my step-mom feels as though me my sister, brother and our significant others do not need to know everytime my father goes into the hospital. We have told her to call no matter the time and we will come to the hospital. Two months ago my dad was rushed back to the hospital after just being discharged from having surgery. My step-mom called no one, turned out he had a blood infection and as we all know a blood infection could possibly kill you.

Myself DH, sister and brother in-law were all extremly angry when we found out, my DH made a comment to my sister saying how bitchy our step-moms behaviour was and inconsiderate she was, my sister agreed.

about 3 weeks later my sister and I get into a huge argument over something stupid and she immediatley picked up the phone and called my dad telling him what DH said to her about our step-mom. My dad called me and chewed me out over it, DH got on the phone and apologized to not only my dad but step-mom as well saying it was in the  heat of the moment and he was annoyed that we didn't know about my dad being in the hospital. Both parents said it was ok apology accepted, that was a load of crap.

I feel as though my sister owes DH an apology for running to my parents to "tell on him" when all he was doing was voicing his opinion. My sister disagrees and since me saying this has ruined pieces of clothing of mines she had borrowed and shoes saying she did nothing wrong and will not apologize. (I think shes lost her mind).

She has my dad wound so tight around her finger that my parents called to said after further discussions about this with my sister they feel as though they shouldn't have accepted DH apology and we were un-invited to Christmas with my family. My sister will not let me see my two nieces which is tearing me up inside. I haven't seen my dad for 2 months because my step-mom doesn't want us over but my dad isn't allowed to come to my house according to her.

I don't have a relationship wth my mom so my dad is the only family I have and I feel so alone. My brother is the only neutral party aside form aunts uncles and cousins. DH feels as though all of this is his fault.

I cry about this all the time and I jsut don't know what to do, I've tried talking and reasoning with my dad but everytime it turns into a fight, DH has tried apologizing 3 more times but he gets no response.

Sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do?

[IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/edkpk.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://i51.tinypic.com/25kmyo6.jpg[/IMG]

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BFP02/16/11 EDD10/31/11
Nicholas Miles McQuaig born 01/11/11 8lbs 12oz

Re: No light at the end of the tunnel......

  • for one thing, don't trust her anymore, you made that comment thinking she was an ally in the situation and she's not.

     Dad and SM need to grow up and stop being manipulated, but nothing you can say or do will help that. At best, you can promise them that you'll talk directly to them regarding any concerns in the future, and ask that they don't allow her to weigh in on disagreements that don't involve her.

    Being uninvited to xmas, punishment just doesn't fit the crime there, very irrational, it's hard to try and make sense of something, or give practical advice, to something that defies logic

     

  • Thats my thought, a comment was made and yes it was rude but to say we can't come to Christmas because shes offended.... really get over it.

    I guess we jsut don't know how to move past when they won't accept the apology, they are both huge grudge holders and thats the hardest part. They can't let anything go.

    I still call my dad once a week, not that he answers and I leave a msg saying hi how are you..love you etc. But he never calls back.

    I guess I'm just confused on what to do and how to let myself move past this, DH and I just got married 4months ago and are wanting to start a family of our own and at a time where we should be happy we're dealing with this garbage. Do I take a break and forget whats going on put some distance in between my family and I?

     

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/edkpk.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://i51.tinypic.com/25kmyo6.jpg[/IMG]

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    BFP02/16/11 EDD10/31/11
    Nicholas Miles McQuaig born 01/11/11 8lbs 12oz
  • I'm sorry you're in this situation. I feel bad for you and your H. Definitely don't talk to your sister about your dad/SM anymore. (She was really immature IMO.)

    Keep trying to keep in contact with your dad if you want. Snail mail, email, phone calls. I don't think your H needs to apologize anymore. They all know he's sorry. Have you tried just showing up at your dad & SM's house randomly? (I'm not sure if that would be a good idea, I was just wondering.)

  • I had thought about just showing up at my dads but I decided against it.

    I figured when their ready they'll come to me.... Hopefully

    I haven't spoken with my sister for 2months now becuase I'm so hurt and upset.

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/edkpk.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://i51.tinypic.com/25kmyo6.jpg[/IMG]

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    BFP02/16/11 EDD10/31/11
    Nicholas Miles McQuaig born 01/11/11 8lbs 12oz
  • You should have owned it.  Your stepmom WAS acting like an inconsiderate ass, in your opinion.  Why did anyone apologize?  And why aren't you b*tching out your dad for being a gossipmonger?
    image
  • I didn't say it... DH did. I agreed with him and told my dad that. DH apologized for his choice of words not for saying the truth.

    My sister and I have had it out over her being a gossiper and *** disturber. My dad and I have also had it out for him condoning my sisters actions and for siding with her when this whole fight is her fault.

    I'm just lost on what to do becasue my family has pretty much cut us for no good reason except that DH spoke the truth about a situation.

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/edkpk.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://i51.tinypic.com/25kmyo6.jpg[/IMG]

    [url=http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tte7c21.aspx[/img][/url]

    BFP02/16/11 EDD10/31/11
    Nicholas Miles McQuaig born 01/11/11 8lbs 12oz
  • Wow, that sounds like a terrible situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this. As you said, you should be feeling happy about your new marriage and wanting to start a family. Those are really great and awesome things and you shouldn't be cheated out of those experiences because of this.

    I think you are doing the right thing by consistently reaching out to your father...especially since he has health problems. I think if you stopped, you would regret it later if something were to happen to him. 

    My advice- just keep reaching out because you know what happened isn't all that bad (I mean what your DH said). It's not justified for them to cut you out like this. Show them you love them, but you have to also build up some thick skin in case it takes a while for them to let you in again. Free yourself of the guilt from the situation, know that you are doing all you can and if they choose not to be open to you...well that's on them.

     

    [IMG]http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/nycartist/16755_197219638704_518460_n.jpg[/IMG]
  • Thank NYC, I'm doing my best to toughen up its just hard. But thanks for the advice Smile
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    BFP02/16/11 EDD10/31/11
    Nicholas Miles McQuaig born 01/11/11 8lbs 12oz
  • Ugh.

    About half the post on this board are about some poor wife whose DH won't gat her back in family drama. Your father is the rare guy who does put his wife first. 

    If your dad has a place of business apart from his wife, you could try contacting him there. Otherwise, the ball is in their court and I can't imagine you bring anything to the party to enhance DSM's life. She may be a biotch, but you empowered her as a victim.

    She won. 

  • I can understand him putting her first cause my DH stands behind me 100% of the time and is the first to call me out when I'm being a *** or acting ridiculous , my issue is with the fact that DH has tried apologizing to DSM and shes so petty she won't accept the apology. And the fact that it was a simple comment about her behaviour and they are taking extreme measures is what I can't get my head around. Cutting us out for him calling her actions "bitchy" really....

    I'm not playing the victim card, my dad is my only parent and I'm hurt upset and feel alone becasue he chooses to side with my sister who started this whole thing and DSM who can't get over being called bitchy.

     

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/edkpk.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://i51.tinypic.com/25kmyo6.jpg[/IMG]

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    BFP02/16/11 EDD10/31/11
    Nicholas Miles McQuaig born 01/11/11 8lbs 12oz
  • You have to let them all go and focus on your life with your DH. They have made the choice to let one remark cut you out of the family. I think you are beating a dead horse. Apology was made and accepted then they decide it is not good enough. Well, there is no pleasing them and it is sad but you have to accept it.

    Your sister found a way into the good graces of the SM and used it her advantage. I'm sorry she did this, but now you know she is not trustworthy.

  • I would send your dad an e-mail or a letter. I would tell him basically what you have already told him - that you were all upset and worried by not being told about his hospitalization, that your DH has apologized multiple times, and that you were only concerned for his health. I would end it telling him that you love him very much, but you cannot keep reaching out only to be ignored and ostracized, and that you will be thrilled if he decides to reach out to you but until then the ball is in his court.
  • Sometimes, when someone treates you horribly, you get offended and stop trying to reconnect.

    I think you are at that point.

    Well past it, in fact. You have been treated unfairly and horribly by your father, stepfather and sister. This level of hostility isn't about calling someone bitchy and inconsiderate. You have a right to be offended by their treatment and to leave them alone. Like they claim they want.

    I also think something else is going on (hurt feelings, anger) and they are just using this nonsense comment to lash out at you.  

  • image livingitup:

    Sometimes, when someone treates you horribly, you get offended and stop trying to reconnect.

    I think you are at that point.

    Well past it, in fact. You have been treated unfairly and horribly by your father, stepfather and sister. This level of hostility isn't about calling someone bitchy and inconsiderate. You have a right to be offended by their treatment and to leave them alone. Like they claim they want.

    I also think something else is going on (hurt feelings, anger) and they are just using this nonsense comment to lash out at you.  

    Its funny you say that because, I feel like a lot of this hostility from my SM came right around the time we got married. I have an AMAZING relationship with my MIL and she is more like a mom to me then my SM and my SM would make comments before the wedding about why I wouldn't call her for help or for her opinion even though we aren't close at all.

    So maybe this is her way of getting back at me?

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/edkpk.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://i51.tinypic.com/25kmyo6.jpg[/IMG]

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    BFP02/16/11 EDD10/31/11
    Nicholas Miles McQuaig born 01/11/11 8lbs 12oz
  • image JacquelineTyler:

    So maybe this is her way of getting back at me?

    It might be, but in the end the reason doesn't really matter.

    Your SM isn't all to blame here, either. She may dislike you and rant to your father, but in the end HE made the decision to cut off contact with you.

  • image JacquelineTyler:
    image livingitup:

    I also think something else is going on (hurt feelings, anger) and they are just using this nonsense comment to lash out at you.  

    So maybe this is her way of getting back at me?

    Well, it's not about an off-handed comment made after she didn't call you when your father was rushed to the hospital with a blood infection.  

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • This is really appalling, hurtful behavior from your family. Way out of proportion to the "crime" of your H's comment. 

    I also wonder if there is something else going on because they are being so mean. To say you aren't welcome on Christmas is, to me, a really big deal.

    Also, your sister sounds very immature and her behavior is kind of crazy. I am wondering if she is playing with a full deck.

    Plus, your H was right in his comment. I agree with him. I would do what others said--send your father a letter. I would even send it to him at his work in case she would intercept it. I would close the letter saying that you really hope to hear from him but you won't continue to reach out so much.

    Sorry, their behavior is very hurtful. 

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • I'm sorry...your family sounds nuts.

    Your H made a comment, he apologized, they accepted, but now they are adding in other reasons (because your sister is being a b^tch) to be mad at you for it all over again.  I would simply ask your dad what he is mad about exactly.  Your H apologized.  That should have been the end of it for them. 

  • image livingitup:

    Sometimes, when someone treates you horribly, you get offended and stop trying to reconnect.

    I think you are at that point.

    Well past it, in fact. You have been treated unfairly and horribly by your father, stepfather and sister. This level of hostility isn't about calling someone bitchy and inconsiderate. You have a right to be offended by their treatment and to leave them alone. Like they claim they want.

    I also think something else is going on (hurt feelings, anger) and they are just using this nonsense comment to lash out at you.  

     

    I know that this is not exactly healthy advice, but it is what I would do and it would probably work, so maybe you are ready to try it...

     I can be really nice and kind of a pushover and people take advantage of that, and I think that's what's happening to you too. If you've tried apologizing, maybe you should try yelling back. My rant would probably be along the lines of "My DH made ONE comment about your wife's behavior, and now I'm not invited to Christmas! What the F*CK is that about! You don't want me in your life anyone because my husband made one comment?? What kind of father turns his back on his daughter like that?! You KNOW you're my only family and this is the treatment I get!" blah blah blah... and sister would get a similar rant. I do find that when you're nice back when someone is irrational towards you, they just continue to push the envelope. I'd go off the deep end on them both. You'll probably have an apology within 5 minutes, and if you don't, they weren't speaking to you right now anyway and when you do eventually reconcile they will think twice about being so mean to you, because you won't take it if they do.

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