Family Matters
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Torn

So here is my problem.  I am extremely close with my family.  We spend 4 or 5 nights a week together, go on vacations together, go out every Friday night to the bar together, etc.  My husbands adores my family and fits in perfectly fine.

My husband has been looking for a job for about a year now, well he got an interview on Friday 2 1/2 hours away.  I dont want to move away.  We have been fighting about this non-stop.  I dont think he realizes how far it is and how much of an impact it will have on our lives.  It is AWESOME money and his current job is a little unstable at the moment.

 I am so torn over this, I love him and want to the best for us, but i dont know.

Re: Torn

  • I think it's time to do what's best for your family, as in you and your husband.  

    He's been looking for work for a year and has the shot at something he wants to do, with great income and stability and it's only 2.5 hours away? I don't see why he wouldn't take it unless you have a great job currently and the loss of your income/benefits would offset the opportunity.

    You can still go on vacations with your family and spend the odd weekend with them, but it's high time that you two established a marriage on your own and I can't imagine that the distance would do anything but make you closer as a couple.

     

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  • I am really close to my family. My H and I live 2.5 hours away from them. We still see them plenty. Just a thought.
  • gotta do what is best for you both if his current job isnt unstable he shouldnt stay if he has another offer. my fam and i r close too and i understand how hard that could be to move away i would be upset too. i have a cousin who lives a couple hrs away and we see them at least every other month so thats pretty good i think. im sure you love your husband very much if i were in your shoes, i would let my feelings be known and leave it at that discuss the pros and cons of it and if your pros out way the cons then you know what to do or vice versa. if you move start planning now on how to stay close to your family. im sorry your going thru this. you 2 will make the right decision
  • Move. It sounds like this is a great job opportunity and it's time for you to cut the umbilical cord.

    Really, 2.5 hours isn't that far away. No, you won't be able to see your family nearly every day, but you'll live.

    What is that you do for a living?

  • It sounds like you and your birth family (note that I didn't just say family, because your husband is your immediate family now) are more enmeshed than close.  I suspect that he's not all that torn up at the possibility of not spending the majority of his evenings with them, no matter how much he loves them.
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  • I think you need to suck it up and move.  He REALLY wants this job.... and you need to take a look outside yourself and stop thinking how is this going to effect YOU...... this marriage isn't just about YOU.... there are 2 people involved.

    And if you still want to see your family as much as you did before.... you will.  You will make the time to do it.

    You say you love him and you want the best for the both of you.... well the best for both of you is moving.... 

     

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  • imageReturnOfKuus:
    It sounds like you and your birth family (note that I didn't just say family, because your husband is your immediate family now) are more enmeshed than close. 

    This is exactly what I was thinking when I read the OP. Spending 4-5 days a week with your family sounds like a lot IMO.

  • My sister and BIL were very close to his family (sister, BIL and kids).  Their kids were the same age, were "best friends" as well as cousins, they would trade baby sitting.  It was wonderful, and my dad said their relationship reminded him of when he was a kid and he lived down the street from his grandparents, uncle, cousins, etc.

    My sister moved six hours away b/c of her husbands job.

    Of course, losing that relationship (esp. with the kids) hurt, but it has been great for her, her kids, and BIL.  They have had a great experience, and have spent time with different people and made new friends.  Chances are, they will move back, and that will be good, too.

    Moving would be healthy for you and DH.  Once your DH has better experience, he'll be more marketable and will have more opportunities in the future.

  • I agree with PP that you should move.  I would loooooooove to live only 2.5 hours from any family, let alone either set of parents.  I have my moments with MIL, but for DH's sake, I would live closer to her if it was feesible.  MIL lives 6 hours away and my parents and BIL live about 12 hours away, while my brother and his family live halfway across the country.

    I know from experience it's not easy to move away from family.  I've done it twice in my life, including moving here with DH for his job.  While we talk about how great it would be to live near family, we know this is what's right for our family.

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  • I don't think 2.5 hrs. away is far away at all.  I wish my family was that close, but they are 7 and 12hrs. away.  I really feel you need to move if this is what is best for you and your husband.  If he's been looking for a good job for over a year and has finally found one, then I'd be all over that.
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  • I'm w/ everyone else.  Move.  2.5 hours really isn't that far.

    yes, you will be sad. Yes, your life will be really different at first.  give yourself time to grieve the change.

    But then make a point to make the best of it. 

    Being close to your family is wonderful, but I too do think 4 - 5 times a WEEK is excessive.  You and your DH don't really know how to be a couple entirely on your own.  You can't when you spend so much time w/ the same group of people over and over doing the same things over and over.

    I think it could do you both wonders (individually and as a couple) to seperate yourselves adn really have it be about the two of you.

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  • Move. 2.5 hours away is not that far at all (yes, it feels like it is right now) but it's not. I think it could be really good for you and your H.

  • It's just an interview. Fighting non-stop over that seems like a bit much.

    You can still go on vacation with your family. You can still see them every weekend if you really want to. So all that would change would be the weeknight socializing with them.

    And you can't give that up for a job that is way more money and more stable, in this economy? 

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  • At this point, it is just an interview.  Stop worrying about a bridge you haven't reached yet.  If he gets the job, you guys can discuss your next step.

    But I agree with pps.  If he gets the job, and it is as good as it looks, you should be willing to move.   I know you have heard the phrase "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"  You are acting out of fear.  You are fighting with your partner, hurting your primary relationship, limiting your family's future because you are afraid.  

    But what if you weren't afraid?  What if this job pays significantly more than his current one?  Think of the future security you could build.  The nest egg, the ability to be debt free, the new house, the fun trips.  What if this job leads to a brighter career path for your husband -- a job with greater security, more satisfaction, better pay?  Plus, you might find that your opportunities widen with this new environment.  New friends, new adventures -- all if you give up fear. 

  • imageAng2208:

    So here is my problem.  I am extremely close with my family.  We spend 4 or 5 nights a week together, go on vacations together, go out every Friday night to the bar together, etc.  My husbands adores my family and fits in perfectly fine.

    My husband has been looking for a job for about a year now, well he got an interview on Friday 2 1/2 hours away.  I dont want to move away.  We have been fighting about this non-stop.  I dont think he realizes how far it is and how much of an impact it will have on our lives.  It is AWESOME money and his current job is a little unstable at the moment.

     I am so torn over this, I love him and want to the best for us, but i dont know.

    Your husband is your priority in your life, not your birth family.  This decision should be a no brainer.  In my opinion, you spend way too much time with your family, and its time to devote some alone time with your husband, develop some hobbies, make some friends in new town.  In other words do what other adults do.  The best decision for both of you is to move. 

  • Ditto everyone else.

    2.5 hours isn't that far. And 4-5 times a week with your family is too much. Even if your H says he loves that, he's more than likely to be happy with the idea of distance between you.  

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • When I said 4-5 times a week with family, I didn't mean just mine.  He is very close to his grandparents and sister.  His sister comes to our house ALOT due to family problems at home.  He spends ALOT of time with his grandfather in the evenings workign on things.  I just don't think he realizes all of that. 

     I understand we will still see family as much as we want, but I dont think he (or me) realize how much family means to us being away. 

    We have our alone time, we go away as a couple almost once a month.  Most of it is - our families are HUGE into sports so when the Steelers/Penguins are playing, more than likely everyone is at our house watching the game. 

  • Maybe there was a misunderstanding...when I say 4-5 times a week, I didn't mean it was just my family.  He is very close to his grandparents and sister.  His sister (younger) is at our house a couple times a week due to family problems at home.  He spends a lot of time (espically during the summer) helping his grandfather with outside projects.

    It's not just me wantting to spendign time with my family either.  He hunts (almost) every weekend with my brother and our brother in law.  My brother, him, and my brother in law are all best friends...that is how we met. 

    I understand "we" are a family and he needs to come first, my point is i just dont think he realizes how much family impacts our life.  I am not a baby and need to cut the umbilical  cord.  We spend ALOT Of time alone.  We go away atleast one weekend a  month.   We have our own lives, and my thing is it wasn't just family that is going to be affected...there MANY items that need to fit in the mix.

  • Well, it wasn't really a misunderstanding, since we took the words you wrote at face value. Your OP was all about how close you are with your family and how your husband fits in well with your family, and you didn't mention any of the other factors of concern regarding the move. I think it was more that you didn't word your post very well than that people misunderstood what you wrote.

    Even with your clarification, I still think you should be more open to the possibility of moving.

  • I know what you are going through or could be going through.  When I graduated college I moved 3 hours away with my then boyfriend/fiance/exhusband.  I missed my family so much.  (I was only 23 when we got married).  anyway...I told him i couldn't do it anymore and tried moving a few times but he talked me into staying. (before we were married)  All of my friends and my entire family were there.  After we got married (there were other issues) but i wanted to be home so bad, we ended up getting divorced after 6 months. 

     I now live in my hometown and am now getting married in 3 months to one of my long time friends.  This time I live 2 blocks up from my parents.  However, if my fiance got a great job offer somewhere, I would move with him.  I've now realized that 'your family' is supposed to be you and your H, not your parents and siblings.  It was a hard lesson that I learned.  I think that if you love your H, you will stand by him and go.  Maybe you both won't like it and will want to move back or maybe you'll love it.  Remember it doesn't mean that you have to move forever.  Support him for the interview but make sure you tell him your feelings.  Don't end up like me (even tho i'm glad it happened bc im actually happy now) and wait til it's to late.  GL and i'm sorry this has to come up.  You guys will figure it out! 

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  • So, you'd rather live close to your family than move weith your H so that he can have a job? hmmmmmm...put them on a scale....job =wins everytime. Your family will only be 2.5 hours away.

    I think you are being quite immature about the situation.



  • There is a point in time you start thinking about your "new" family first.  Meaning you and your H and kids.  2.5 hours away is nothing, there are people who live across the country from their loved ones. 

    I know what I would do, but if you aren't ready this could cause a void in your relationship because he "made" you move, etc. 

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  • It's time to cut the apronstrings. You and your husband are a family, and you have to do what is best for your marriage. You will adjust to seeing your extended family on occasional weekends, and you can call/email daily if you want.

    Moving away will force you and your husband to rely on each other because you won't be able to just run home to Mommy and Daddy when times get tough. And that's a GOOD thing. Your husband's career should be more important to you than being able to spend 4 nights a week with your parents.

  • imageAng2208:

    Maybe there was a misunderstanding...when I say 4-5 times a week, I didn't mean it was just my family.  He is very close to his grandparents and sister.  His sister (younger) is at our house a couple times a week due to family problems at home.  He spends a lot of time (espically during the summer) helping his grandfather with outside projects.

    It's not just me wantting to spendign time with my family either.  He hunts (almost) every weekend with my brother and our brother in law.  My brother, him, and my brother in law are all best friends...that is how we met. 

    I understand "we" are a family and he needs to come first, my point is i just dont think he realizes how much family impacts our life.  I am not a baby and need to cut the umbilical  cord.  We spend ALOT Of time alone.  We go away atleast one weekend a  month.   We have our own lives, and my thing is it wasn't just family that is going to be affected...there MANY items that need to fit in the mix.

    I agree with PP that it wasn't so much a misunderstanding as it was that we gave our opinions on the info you gave in your OP.

    Trust me when I say, I know how hard it is to live away from family.  DH and I are both super close with our families, both ours and and eachothers.  We didn't take the decision to move away lightly, especially as newlyweds.  DH could get a job in our hometown in a heartbeat if he wanted to (he has had several people tell him they would get him a job if he wanted it).  But, you know what?  We've fallen in love with this town.  And you never know, you might fall in love with a new town too.

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  • Spending that much time with family - doesn't matter if it's yours or his - sounds absolutely stifling. I'm betting that neither of you have many non-relative friends, and you've probably forgotten how to make them. I can see why moving away from your comfort zone and built-in friends will be hard, but it will be a huge benefit to both of you; if nothing else, it will break the co-dependency that you all seem to have with each other and force you and your husband to lean on eachother a bit more. If this truly does turn out to be a great job opportunity for your husband, you'd be crazy to not take it.
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  • I think every couple should move away from family at least. IMO its good for a marriage.

     

     

  • What if he expected YOU to spend 4 or 5 times a week with HIS family and then gave you hell about moving for a dream job you wanted?

    You need to grow up and get over this. Or get out and move back in with your parents.

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