Sex & Romance
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Low Sex Drive...A lil' TMI

Hi everyone, I know I have seen several posts about this same issue but I guess I just want to vent and get some feedback...

I am 22 and have been on birth control for 6 years and I really believe it is the cause of my low sex drive. I truly love my FI, I am attracted to him, and once we start having sex I enjoy it. However, I just can't seem to get myself to initiate it. Which is obviously a problem.

My FI brought the subject up last night and we talked about. He basically expressed that he feels if he doesn't try/ask for sex, he won't get it. He doesn't feel like I am attracted to him and he doesn't feel like I want him. I tried to explain that I think it is the birth control and it has nothing to do with him but he didn't really seem to buy that. He wants me to be the one to initiate it and show him that I want it. And I will admit, I haven't been.

We have sex often, usually once a day (sometimes we skip a day). So it's not the quantity it's the quality. I don't know why but sometimes I feel like sex is a hassle. I know that sounds horrible. But we don't use condoms so every time we have sex I end up having to run to the bathroom and I still end up with everything all over my underwear. Therefore if we have sex and then want to go out to the store or mall, I'm worried that I'm gonna have a nice big wet spot on my pants. And because we don't use condoms, sometimes there isn't enough lubrication I usually end up sore after. Sometimes I just don't feel like dealing with any of that hence I don't feel like having sex.

I don't really know what I'm looking for. I know I need to make some changes and start showing my FI that I want him. I know if the tables were turned I would feel horrible. I guess I just want some feedback or words of wisdom. Thanks for reading, it got kind of long.

Re: Low Sex Drive...A lil' TMI

  • image FutureMrsOrtiz0526:

    Hi everyone, I know I have seen several posts about this same issue but I guess I just want to vent and get some feedback...

    I am 22 and have been on birth control for 6 years and I really believe it is the cause of my low sex drive. When I used to be on BC, I had almost no real drive either unless someone else got me going first. I truly love my FI, I am attracted to him, and once we start having sex I enjoy it. However, I just can't seem to get myself to initiate it. Which is obviously a problem.

    My FI brought the subject up last night and we talked about. He basically expressed that he feels if he doesn't try/ask for sex, he won't get it. He doesn't feel like I am attracted to him and he doesn't feel like I want him. I tried to explain that I think it is the birth control and it has nothing to do with him but he didn't really seem to buy that. He wants me to be the one to initiate it and show him that I want it. And I will admit, I haven't been. Maybe you should just try to touch him/stroke him (without over-thinking it) and once he gets excited, it will help motivate you and then next thing you know, you've initiated and he's happy and you're happy!

    We have sex often, usually once a day (sometimes we skip a day). So it's not the quantity it's the quality. I don't know why but sometimes I feel like sex is a hassle. I know that sounds horrible. But we don't use condoms so every time we have sex I end up having to run to the bathroom and I still end up with everything all over my underwear. Therefore if we have sex and then want to go out to the store or mall, I'm worried that I'm gonna have a nice big wet spot on my pants. And because we don't use condoms, sometimes there isn't enough lubrication I usually end up sore after. Sometimes I just don't feel like dealing with any of that hence I don't feel like having sex. Options: have him pull out and not finish in you. Less mess later/easy clean up now. If that's not to your liking, then wear a little panty liner if you go out immediately afterwards.

    I don't really know what I'm looking for. I know I need to make some changes and start showing my FI that I want him. I know if the tables were turned I would feel horrible. I guess I just want some feedback or words of wisdom. Thanks for reading, it got kind of long.

    Good luck!

    My Blog - Life, Love and Laughter No government can dictate who we love. Life is short...so do what feels right!
  • I'm not a regular poster on this board but I noticed a few things I woud like to comment on in this post.

    1 - Low sex drive may be attributable to your BC pills, but you also may not be a "sex every day" kind of person.  And that doesn't mean that you don't have a healthy sex drive.  Most of the people who come on here complaining are having sex once every two weeks or less.  I think the fact that your FI is initiating sex every day may be what is causing your sex drive to drop.  There are also a couple other factors here.

    2 - For the love of all that is holy use lube.  I like water based ones since they are easier to clean up.  If you are not sore then you will feel more in the mood.  No one likes chafing.

    3 -  With respect to the clean up problem:  Our personal solution is that we have bought some beach towels and hand towels devoted to "dirty sexy times".  We have sex on the beach towels so as not to have to change the sheets after sex and I use the hand towels and my kegel muscles to get as much of the mess out as possible.  Yes, you will have to run to the bathroom.  It's best if you go pee directly after sex anyhow since it prevents UTIs and helps get everything out.  If we have sex in the morning and I can't take a shower before going out and about I'll give myself a little sponge bath and then I'll wear a personal liner (not a pad) for the beginning of the day.  You'll find ways to deal that don't bother you.

    4 - Once you feel more comfortable with sex (no chafing and have clean up under control) you can revisit the issues with your sex drive.  Have an honest conversation with your FI about how you are feeling and then you two can develop a game plan about what to do to address the issue.  Does he have to have sex every day?  How many days can you go without sex?  Talk to your doctor about other birth control issues if you feel that your pill may be affecting you.

    Good Luck.  I hope this helps.

  • I'm not a regular poster on this board either but wanted to mention that if you think it's the pill you are on you should talk to your doctor about switching. There are so many out there and may just need a different one than you are on.
  • Thanks! All of your responses were really helpful....

    I will sit down and talk to my FI about all of this. I think the comfort factor plays a huge part in all of this and I will try out some of your suggestions to make things a little easier. I don't know if I would say my FI HAS to have sex every day. But he definitely has a very high sex drive (he would be more than happy to do it more than once a day). And I do agree that his initiating every day can sometimes be a turn off for me...it just feels like its too much.

    In regards to the BCP, I am currently taking ortho tri cyclen lo. Which according to my doctor is the lowest dose of BC. So I'm assuming any other birth control pill wouldn't be any better. I would like to come off of the pill but I'm not sure what my other options are. I don't want to use condoms, they are expensive and just not enjoyable for me. I've thought about an IUD, it makes me a little nervous but I think I'll do some research.

  • I too tend to lurk on here more than post but do have to say what the other girls say is true. I get annoyed at dh for trying to initiate sex in such a childish manner that it can be a turn off. It might def be the fact that you do it everyday. Try not doing it for a few days and see if you want it more since youre not getting it. Now as far as the bcp...i was on ortho try cyclin lo for a year and it killed my drive...made me moody the whole month and other horrible things. Ive been on aviane which is the generic of alesse and slowly my drive is coming back. Its not where it was before bcp but sex is enjoyable now whereas it wasnt on ortho. Ask your doctor for a switch. It might youre taking a bcp with the wrong hormone (my bff responds better with a progesterone than an estrogen). HTH
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  • Definitely check into an IUD. I tried several different kind of the pill and they all killed my sex drive as well as caused some insane weight. I decided to get an IUD...took care of both problems. It was a little uncomfortable to have inserted but definitely worth it. My sex drive is now stronger than my husband's most of the time. 
  • Definitely check into an IUD. I tried several different kinds of the pill and they all killed my sex drive as well as caused some insane weight. I decided to get an IUD...took care of both problems. It was a little uncomfortable to have inserted but definitely worth it. My sex drive is now stronger than my husband's most of the time. 
  • image FutureMrsOrtiz0526:

    Hi everyone, I know I have seen several posts about this same issue but I guess I just want to vent and get some feedback...

    I am 22 and have been on birth control for 6 years and I really believe it is the cause of my low sex drive. I truly love my FI, I am attracted to him, and once we start having sex I enjoy it. However, I just can't seem to get myself to initiate it. Which is obviously a problem.

    My FI brought the subject up last night and we talked about. He basically expressed that he feels if he doesn't try/ask for sex, he won't get it. He doesn't feel like I am attracted to him and he doesn't feel like I want him. I tried to explain that I think it is the birth control and it has nothing to do with him but he didn't really seem to buy that. He wants me to be the one to initiate it and show him that I want it. And I will admit, I haven't been.

    We have sex often, usually once a day (sometimes we skip a day). So it's not the quantity it's the quality. I don't know why but sometimes I feel like sex is a hassle. I know that sounds horrible. But we don't use condoms so every time we have sex I end up having to run to the bathroom and I still end up with everything all over my underwear. Therefore if we have sex and then want to go out to the store or mall, I'm worried that I'm gonna have a nice big wet spot on my pants. And because we don't use condoms, sometimes there isn't enough lubrication I usually end up sore after. Sometimes I just don't feel like dealing with any of that hence I don't feel like having sex.

    I don't really know what I'm looking for. I know I need to make some changes and start showing my FI that I want him. I know if the tables were turned I would feel horrible. I guess I just want some feedback or words of wisdom. Thanks for reading, it got kind of long.

    Um, this may seem obvious but, have you tried NOT putting your underwear back on until after you've cleaned yourself off? This seems like a simple solution, really.

    Also, if you're finding that there's too much friction, just use lubricant. Again, simple solution.

    One more thing. I fail to see how your FI can feel neglected if he's getting sex every night. Is it specifically because he "has" to always ask for it? How long does he wait to ask each night before deciding that you're just never going to ask and he goes ahead and does it for you?

  • I always clean myself off right away before getting dressed but unfortunately everything doesn't come out immediately. So unless I am able to take a shower right after (which doesn't always happen if we have sex mid day or w.e), there is always some left-over that comes out a little later on.

     Also, we have/do use lube. But I will admit not as much as we should. We do need to make a habit of it. So I guess it would be a simple solution.

    I think the issue is the quality not the quantity, as I mentioned in my OP. It isn't an issue of how often we have sex since obviously we do it frequently. It is the fact that I don't initiate. Sometimes he will try and I'll say "later" and then he will wait for me to start up again later and I don't. Or sometimes he just wont try at all, which results in us usually not having sex. He just wants to feel that I want it as opposed to me doing it to please him. Which I understand.

     

  • I am having a very similar issue.. I am on Ortho tri cyclen lo as well and my sex drive is so low, until I begin to have sex... Lube definitely helps, and so does your mind set. Since I know I will enjoy it once we start,it makes initiating sex easier.. My FI also wants it at least once a day and feels neglected if he doesnt get it, but he's understanding more now that Im opening up to him. Communication is key! Good luck! I cant wait to get off the pill lol
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • image FutureMrsOrtiz0526:

    I think the issue is the quality not the quantity, as I mentioned in my OP. It isn't an issue of how often we have sex since obviously we do it frequently. It is the fact that I don't initiate. Sometimes he will try and I'll say "later" and then he will wait for me to start up again later and I don't. Or sometimes he just wont try at all, which results in us usually not having sex. He just wants to feel that I want it as opposed to me doing it to please him. Which I understand.

     

     

    I have the same thing happening to me! Just the fact that I never initiate it makes him think that I really don't want it. I've been on Ortho Evra for almost two years, but I have no idea what it's done to other girls sex drives. Like you, I'd rather just get off birth control all together - after being on it for six years I'm ready to not require the assistance of additional hormones to keep my body in check. I've found that if I can just get him to have an off day every now and then, I'm typically up for sex a couple of days later. But still, I never feel like initiating it. Darn BC!

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  • image FutureMrsOrtiz0526:
    • We have sex often, usually once a day (sometimes we skip a day).
    • I feel like sex is a hassle.
    • I'm worried that I'm gonna have a nice big wet spot on my pants. 
    •  I usually end up sore after.
    • I know I need to make some changes and start showing my FI that I want him.

    Okay, I think I can help you. First, cut back on the frequency with which you do the deed. If you're not both enjoying it, it's not worth doing. That may help take care of your "sex is a hassle" feeling.

    Next, invest in some panty liners! Not the heavy-duty kind that you use for aunt flow, but the light-weight kind that they make for occasional inconteinence. This will help you find peace of mind after the deed, which will make it easier to enjoy the deed next time.

    Third, you need to use bottled lube if you're having trouble making your own natural lube. Having sex without it causes pain like you say, but this also causes an association in your brain between sex and pain. Guess what? That association will make it harder for you to get aroused the next time, thereby leading to more pain. It's a vicious cycle. I know, I've been there.

    Make these changes and if you're still having trouble, see your GYN. GL!

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  • If you are on BCP, it might be drying you out which might cause the chafing. Make sure you're really warmed up, and then definitely use lube. Just keep it handy on a bedside table or something so you can get it as quickly as possible. Also, if you start to feel uncomfortable once you're going for a while, you might want to stop for a sec and add more lube.

    Also, couldn't he finish outside of you? I guess some guys don't like that, but if you have a towel right there next to you (used just for sex) you wouldn't have to deal with the mess, and you'd feel more comfortable with it. Or wear a pantiliner. One of the PPs is right though, you should go to the bathroom afterwards to prevent UTI's.

    Good luck! Just keep talking about it and be open with each other.

    And if the stormy weather came...I'd just kiss you in the rain... Daisypath Anniversary tickers image
  • Thanks for all the advice! I will definitely try your suggestions.
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