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MIL - starting to think that something is mentally wrong...

There is a pretty long back-story on my MIL. As I?ve said before, she?s selfish, overbearing, entitled, and passive-aggressive. Here is my most recent activity?

My SIL and I were supposed to go see a movie on Friday night, but I wasn?t feeling well so I rescheduled with her. Later that night I got a text from her: ?Do you care if I come over for a little bit? It?s been a really rough day here??. She is currently living at home with MIL & FIL, so I immediately knew that she needed a break from MIL. I told her that she could definitely come over to hang out for a bit?but I looked sloppy and didn?t know how alert I would be since I had taken Nyquil.

She came over and proceeded to tell me that she had a horrible day because of MIL. I asked her what was up and she said that MIL was mad at me for not including her in planning an upcoming baby shower for a cousin. The cousin and I have become really good friends, so I offered to throw her a baby shower. I spoke to the cousin on Thursday (the day before SIL came over to vent) and solidified the date for the shower. I basically told her that any date in February will work for me, so it?s completely up to her?so she chose the 5th.

MIL was mad at me because I didn?t call her to make sure that the date worked for her. I didn?t realize that I needed to call everyone on the guest list first to make sure that the date worked for them. Anyways, SIL continues to tell me that MIL is really upset that I haven?t included her in the planning. The woman is nuts ? I JUST found out the date of it and had not even started to plan it! Side note: there are only 10 people invited and it?s going to be at my house, so there is not a whole lot of planning needed. MIL was also very nasty to SIL all day long because of it.

Then here?s the kicker for me: SIL tells me that MIL started coming up with conspiracy theories about me. I don?t fully trust SIL, so I didn?t pry for more information on what these ?conspiracy theories? might be. And to be honest, I was floored that she would even think of such a thing. SIL said that she told MIL she was being completely irrational and that I had just found out the date of the shower so no planning had even begun.

I would never have known about this if SIL wouldn?t have told me. And I saw MIL yesterday and she acted like nothing was even wrong ? we even started the plans for the shower. I didn?t want to say anything to her about it and how hurt I was that she?s coming up with conspiracy theories about me because SIL confided in me. I?m completely amazed by this woman. I really think that something may be mentally wrong with her. Conspiracy theories? Really?

I talked to DH about this and I told him that I really think that he and his sister need to talk to FIL about MIL. She?s got such a negative effect on both DH and SIL?s lives, and she?s also coming in between our marriage. Their whole family is horrible at communication. They?ve walked on eggshells their whole lives around MIL?being so careful not to ruffle any feathers. DH says that he wants to talk to his dad about this but is not sure that SIL will be on board.

How do you even tell someone that you think a loved one might have a personality disorder or something? I?m sure that FIL is already aware?but this goes back to no one in their family wanting to ruffle any feathers?so they all just sweep it under the rug. TIA

Re: MIL - starting to think that something is mentally wrong...

  • I wouldn't trust your SIL either.  She's a big, gossippy drama llama who didn't have to tell you any of this, and in fact, shouldn't have told you any of this.

    image
  • imageReturnOfKuus:

    I wouldn't trust your SIL either.  She's a big, gossippy drama llama who didn't have to tell you any of this, and in fact, shouldn't have told you any of this.

    Kuus...I totally agree. And exactly why I didn't respond to any of it. I just told her I was sorry it was such a crappy day and that MIL was reacting this way. But I can't unhear what she told me...so, ugh.

  • I'm not sure anything that you've listed indicates that MIL has a mental illness; all of those things could just be her being a PIA. Not pleasant, but not requiring medical intervention.

    I think the easiest and best way to go is to not enable your SIL's whining about her parents. (If she doesn't like it, she can become a full fledged adult and move out their house.)

    That would have circumvente the entire issue. You see that, right?

     

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • imageZestofLime:

    I'm not sure anything that you've listed indicates that MIL has a mental illness; all of those things could just be her being a PIA. Not pleasant, but not requiring medical intervention.

    I think the easiest and best way to go is to not enable your SIL's whining about her parents. (If she doesn't like it, she can become a full fledged adult and move out their house.)

    That would have circumvente the entire issue. You see that, right?

     

    Thanks, Zest. I totally see that. And which is why I try not to respond to her whining/venting. I suppose in the future I could just tell her that I don't want to talk about it.

    I know you can only base your opinions on the information that I've provided, but there are definitely many things that lead me to believe that she may have a mental illness - DH thinks so too. I just thought that conspiracy theories was the top of the strange for her. Maybe it's just her personality.

  • Fair enough, obviously one snapshot isn't a total picture of who she is.

    How old is the SIL, just out of curiousity. Has she ever lived on her own?

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Maybe she's always been this way --- or another factor could be involved: drug interactions if she's taking meds or maybe even menopause.;

    However if her "conspiracy theories" are totally bsc and have no basis at all -- or they're dangerous -- that woman needs an evaluation, stat.

  • From the little info I have it sounds like your MIL has a personality disorder and that maybe the apple didn't fall too far from the tree with your SIL, since she ran right over to you with this information.

    There's no magic cure or pill for personality issues. Sorry you have to deal with this. I have an aunt who is like this, i tread lightly with her and am always very careful of what I say to her. It's like walking on egg shells because you never know what will set them off, it's usually some ridiculous thing that a normal, rational person would not think twice about. GL! 

    image
  • Thanks everyone for your insight - I appreciate it!

    Zest - She is 24, and DH and I are both 28. She's never really lived "on her own". She's gone to college and lived away from home, but I don't really feel she's done it "on her own". 

  • Whether MIL truly has a mental illness or not, don't you think that telling her that you think that she has one is going to make things worse with her?  She's probably not going to respond with "Oh, ok. Thanks for telling me.  I'll go see a therapist."  So I'd just keep your theories about her mental health to yourself and DH and just deal with her appropriately.  Keep your distance if you need to and take her so called illness into account when dealing with her.

  • You know, sometimes when people don't like people they can get pretty irrational. ?I think the 'mental illness' label gets thrown around a lot by folks on the receiving end of the dislike.

    Sorry you're dealing with this.?

  • imageamandanoelle12:

    Whether MIL truly has a mental illness or not, don't you think that telling her that you think that she has one is going to make things worse with her?  She's probably not going to respond with "Oh, ok. Thanks for telling me.  I'll go see a therapist."  So I'd just keep your theories about her mental health to yourself and DH and just deal with her appropriately.  Keep your distance if you need to and take her so called illness into account when dealing with her.

    We aren't planning on talking to her about it. I was suggesting that DH and SIL talk to their father about it to see what he thinks and how he feels about it.


  • It sounds like you have a bit of a drama triangle happening thanks to your SIL.

    In the future it might be best to just tell your SIL that you don't want to hear about your MIL and that if your MIL has something she would like to vent or dicuss it'd be best coming from her.

    I am sure that your SIL also eggs on your MIL when it comes to you.

    Cut out the drama she is creating and stop talking to your SIL about your MIL.

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