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Tired, and furious...

So I decided to compromise with my H and not complain about him taking my MIL upstate to visit his other kid since his ex refuses to let the child anywhere near me.  I told him, I would relinquish objections if he could leave NYD instead of eve, which he agreed to.  MIL is pissed because she wants to leave today.  I've decided not to care.  So I'm putting all of the bills that need to be paid this week together and tell H what I need from him.  He blows his stack and tells me that I should have thought of this before MIL came here, because he needs to take her shopping and pay for gas and tolls upstate.  My response was that he put off paying the car insurance so its not my fault that its due.  We paid for her tickets to get here so, I suggested that he have her pay for the trip upstate.  HE flipped out (earlier in her stay she had to pay some tolls and gas, and she gently reminded him that we owed her the money for the gas and tolls she had paid).  I have been trying to follow what you guys are saying, but how unreasonable is this?  He is mad at me, and I don't think he has a right to be.  Does he?

Re: Tired, and furious...

  • Aren't your bills due the same time every month? Why didn't HE think of it before MIL came?

    She'll be leaving soon, so until then you may have to grit your teeth and bear it.

  • Your H is a momma's boy and this is not going to change no matter how upset you are about it. That, combined with the fact that you don't really like your MIL make me think that everything about her trip to see your H's other child is going to upset you.

    That said, why does your H's ex not allow you near his other child? 

  • She doesn't allow me near her son as pay back for not being allowed around my children anymore.  My husband and I were separated for five years, in this time she was his girlfriend. About a month before I knew she was pregnant I told him she was not allowed near my kids after an incident where my mother and their landlord told me she shoved my son.  She swore the incident never happened, and that she "mushed" my son, which is what my H believes.  But my belief is with my mom and the landlord, I keep telling him "why would she admit to hitting our kid?"  I doubt she's proud of it, but the fact is she doesn't own up to her mistake.  SO that's why I can't be around her child.  That, and the fact that when I confronted her and told her she got pregnant in an effort to get my husband to stay with her, she got angry because my H finally figured out that it was exactly what she did by the response she had to my comment.  So her son not having his father around is my fault in her eyes.  
  • Is there a custody order in place?  As long as you haven't abused the child there's no reason that your H shouldn't have visitation at your home, unless he hasn't pursued it.

    Honestly, the more you post, the more your marriage sounds like a hot mess.  If you & your H aren't already in marriage counseling, I suggest you go.

    image Grayson's side-eye
  • No there's no custody order.  That's the crazy thing about our marriage, we will be fine for months and then something blows in and its a mess for a few weeks, and then its back to fine.  We have a system that normally works for us, but with his family in town, our system goes out the window. I don't know if counselling will help unless it happens during one of our mess times.  I don't know what to do with the man honestly, I love him and he makes me nuts.  Like the other day we had a snow storm, about a foot of snow.  The night before the snow storm, he goes out with his buddies and stays out till 5am.  I was furious.  THEN the day of the snow storm, he drives all the way to my job, sits there and waits till I get out.  When I get outside, my car is completely cleaned off, he drives behind me and then clears the driveway while he has me sitting in the car because he doesn't want me to be cold.  We didn't get finished until almost midnight and he has to be up by 4am for work.  Lol I swear the man is bipolar or something, lol love him to pieces, but he's nuts. 
  • From top to bottom, start to finish, everyone involved, is a huge cluster ***.

    These kids are going to be so screwed up it isn't funny. I hope someone is getting them counseling (intensive)



  • Pay the car insurance bill.
  • Why isn't there a custody order?  Why are you with a man that doesn't care enough about his kid to protect his legal right to see him?

    I feel so so sorry for your kids.  I grew up in a house like yours and it was hell.  My parents' relationship was a constant roller coaster and it was miserable.  They'd fight, eventually break-up, my mom would be a mess, then they'd make up and I was supposed to be happy to have him back Hmm

    I spent most of my 20s with emotionally & physically abusive men.  It has taken years of therapy and hard work on my part to finally lead an emotionally healthy life, and my brother is an alcoholic with a serious pot problem as well.  This is what your children's life will look like if you don't start caring more about them than loving your 'bipolar man'.

     

    image Grayson's side-eye
  • Thank the Lord that your MIL lives in Jamaica because it sounds like your DH is an extreme momma's boy.  At least you don't have to deal with her and the way your husband acts around her that often.

    To answer your question, yes, I would be super pissed, and no, he does not have the right to be angry.  Bills are a priority, and they have to come before mommy's gas and tolls.  

  • Waitaminnit......you OWE her money for gas and tolls, despite the fact that her baby boy paid for her to get here [and didn't think about bills to boot]? Really? Well, isn't she the entitled little Queenie-poo!

    And on top of that, you and your H were separated - but still MARRIED - when he went and KU'd someone else???  He couldn't wear a friggin' condom for schittsakes??  And your MIL is actually more interested in spending time with the other woman's love child than with her legitimate grandchildren???

    OMG!  WTF is wrong with this picture????  This whole thing is fuctup all around....

    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • Your husband actually sat at your workplace all day so that he could clean your car off just before you got in it, follow you home, and then clean the driveway while you sat in your car?

    I don't consider that loving or wonderful.  I consider that creepy as fvck and a bit controlling and patronizing.......he really didn't think that you could handle getting yourself home?  Does he always treat you like a 13 year old?

    And ditto everything Belichick has said.  You two sound like dysfunctional assshats, with crazy mothers/families/mistresses, and your kids are going to lead a rough effed up life due to being raised in this clusterfvck. 

    And you're worried about your entitled MIL and how your looneytunes husband is playing her personal chauffer.  Nutjob.

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • I agree that I feel really sorry for all the children involved here. They have no role models to show them how adults should act and what functional relationships look like.

  • image Belichick:

    Honestly, the more you post, the more your marriage sounds like a hot mess.  If you & your H aren't already in marriage counseling, I suggest you go.

    This times a thousand. The kids are the only ones deserving any sympathy at all because all of the parents are incredibly screwed up and selfish, and that includes you. The main concern among the adults seems to be to one-up and screw over the other adults as much as possible. Nobody even gives a crap about the kids unless they can be used to fcuk over the other parent.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Life is exhausting when you're complete and utter trash.
    image
    Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
  • image imoan:
    Life is exhausting when you're complete and utter trash.

    You know imoan, the more I read your posts the more I like you!!  :)  Plus your nesting on NYE like me!

    [IMG]http://i1222.photobucket.com/albums/dd490/Lilou902/030-1-2-2.jpg[/IMG]


    Kisses + sexy underwear = BFP 9-14-12 EDD 5-26-13br>

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  • Why are you getting yelled at becuase some basic bills need to be paid? Doesn't he have enough to pay the (expected) bills and the tolls/gas?

    If he doesn't, why are you getting yelled at?

    Really. I want to know.

    (And why didn't he clear the driveway before you got home?)

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • As far as my children go, I can say that most people who meet my children marvel at how tight a group me and my children are.  We do a LOT together with or without H in the picture.  I am extremely involved in their school and friends.  I like to know what they think about things in their lives and they talk to me as much as a 7 and 6 year old can about whatever is bothering them.   When H came back, a portion of that was thanks TO the kids.  My kids and I have had it rough from life in general.  My son at 3 went into his uncle's bedroom with my mom where they found my brother on the floor (he died of a heart attack).  Then my mom passed away earlier this year on my birthday.  We have dealt with our share of loss and we are close.  I'm a rather strict parent, not allowing them to watch any movies that aren't PG or G, heck my kids aren't allowed to watch Spongebob.  I don't feel I am ignoring my children in ANY way.  I tell my kids I love them all the time, they know they are cared about.  When H and I were separated, I did everything I could to let them believe their father was a good guy, just because he and I weren't working out doesn't mean that he didn't love his kids.  I am not one of those women who bad mouth the father to the children because he walks out.  Throughout ALL of this crappy mess of a holiday, I made my MIL seem like she could do no wrong to my children.  I talked her up to them, and helped my son be comfortable around her.  ANYTHING they needed to bond with MIL I did.  Whatever is between MIL and I is never in front of or even in the same house as the kids.  I grew up with no grandparents on one side of the family and I resent that part of the family for ignoring me the whole of my childhood and into my teens. 

    As far as H and the snow storm, I work at a movie theater, he came watched a movie, I texted him when I was almost ready to leave.  He was worried because he had called me at the job and I had mentioned the lights went out twice, it was already storming pretty bad and dark out. He didn't seem to think it was the best idea for me to be outside in the dark by myself in the middle of a snow storm as the last one we had, the roads weren't cleared and I was stuck for an hour trying to dig my way out at midnight.   

  • image festivegal2008:
    And your MIL is actually more interested in spending time with the other woman's love child than with her legitimate grandchildren???

    I agree with what everyone else has said BUT this.. it doesn't matter who that child's mother is, OP's MIL is still their grandmother as well. It is her son's child, which makes them just as much of a "legitimate" grandchild as the others. The kid should not be punished, or cheated out of time with their grandparent, just because their mother is a homewrecker and their father is a cheating dirt bag.

    I had a set of grandparents that made a very clear difference between me and my older siblings, because I was a product of my father's second marriage, and it still sticks with me. The last thing this poor kid needs is one more piece of baggage. As much of a nutjob as OP's MIL sounds like, I at least do give her a pinch of credit for wanting to acknowledge all her grandchildren.

  • Just why??

    I can appreciate that you are pissed off that your DH is a mamma's boy and a babydaddy and abusive as well. And that, like all mothers, you want the warm and fuzzies around grandmother loving your kids best.

    But you say Grandma only saw the one boy once and this is a first time for the other? Why would you encourage "bonding" with this relative stranger? Especially for your child with "autistic tendencies"? Many kids with autism just don't engage well with folks they don't know and, frankly, just aren't that likable given their poor social communication skills and challenging behaviors. (This obvious fact comes from the parent of a kid with an ASD, so don't think I'm picking on him)

    I think a big part of why you aren't permitted to see your husband's other child is because of your attitude that he's less worthy than yours.

    Counseling. All around.

  • It is even  more sad that you think this hasnt had any affect on your children. You think  because you tell them ou love them and show up at school, they don't know what a friggin mess the 2 of you are? You dont think having a father leave, having a love child, and coming back in affects them? Your relationship with their father is a mess, and you are teaching them everyday that this relationship is normal. You are really f'ing them up in the head, but you are so concerned about this loser you are with that you dont give as shiot about them, nope as long as you have this loser in your liufe all is wonderful.

    Get your kids some counseling, get yourself some counseling andf get a real diagnosis on your son. At his age they wont give you a maybe diagnosis, so please get him some real help.



  • I never said my stepson was less worthy than my children are.  I don't think that.  I feel his mother is a less than desirable person around MY children.  We send more than what's required for child support (almost double) just so that this child can have some of the benefits my children have.  She refuses to send her child here to get to know his siblings.  I have no control over anyone in this situation besides myself.  He's my stepson and I acknowlege him as such.  That I am unwelcome in his life is neither my fault nor my choosing. 
  • The intent of this trip was to be one of a yearly tradition, as such my son needs to feel comfortable around her. Like I said before he has tendencies but not all criteria.  Once he is comfortable around someone, he remembers them and is more inclined to speak with them.  Being as I have called her to speak to them over the phone, it seems to me that to get to know her and have a face for the voice makes sense.  He relates better to people that way. 
  • Ditto Mags.

    You sound so much like my mother it makes my head hurt.  She thinks she was a great mother too.

    You just don't get it, I don't care how involved in their lives you think you are, that doesn't make up for the dysfunction they are growing up with.

    You say 'That I am unwelcome in his life is neither my fault nor my choosing.'  -while that may technically be true, it is certainly your H's fault & choosing.  He could pursue a formal custody arrangement where he would have visitation in your home.  My guess is that neither of you want this because his son is an ugly reminder of the mess that is your marriage.  Better to throw money at it than actually acknowledge this poor child that did not choose to be brought in to this mess.

    Do your children ever see their 1/2 sibling?   

    image Grayson's side-eye
  • That you don't understand how the general roller coaster nature of your marriage is contributing to your situation and affecting your kids is appalling.
  • Call me crazy, but the first thing that came to mind about the snowstrom incident is that perhaps he cheated on you in some way the night before and was feeling guilty.  Luckily, I'm married to a man who would never EVER stay out that late with anyone but me because he agrees it's innapropriate for a goren married man with children at home to do so.  Either way, the man sounds like a child.

    Tell him the bills don't stop just because his momma comes to town and you expect an apology for his freaking out on you over it.  If he over-extended himself to afford her trip, that's not your fault.  It's his.  Tell him he also needs to grow a pair and tell him momma she needs to foot the bill next time.  For her to insist y'all owe her for gas and tolls after you paid for her flight...that's just greedy and selfish. 

     

  • image MyHeart=MyHome:

    Call me crazy, but the first thing that came to mind about the snowstrom incident is that perhaps he cheated on you in some way the night before and was feeling guilty.  Luckily, I'm married to a man who would never EVER stay out that late with anyone but me because he agrees it's innapropriate for a goren married man with children at home to do so.  Either way, the man sounds like a child.

    Tell him the bills don't stop just because his momma comes to town and you expect an apology for his freaking out on you over it.  If he over-extended himself to afford her trip, that's not your fault.  It's his.  Tell him he also needs to grow a pair and tell him momma she needs to foot the bill next time.  For her to insist y'all owe her for gas and tolls after you paid for her flight...that's just greedy and selfish. 

     

    For whatever it's worth, I thought this too.

    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/29az2ps.jpg[/IMG]
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