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What would you do?

Last night, my husband and I got into an argument. I have 2 sick kids at home, who are not sleeping at night. I'm doing my best to get everything done, and take care of them. He comes home and starts yelling at me because I left the television on downstairs. I was listening to the radio, he turned it off. The computer was on, he turned it off. I was drinking a glass of wine, he dumped it. He continued to tell me that if I tried harder I could get everything done. I got upset, went into my bedroom and told him that I was now going to do nothing, to which he muttered, "what else is new?".

Later, after I had cooled down and the kids were in bed, I tried to talk to him. He told me he had nothing to apologize for; I got upset and started to cry, and he started to laugh at me and tell me that I'm immature and not equal to him, and that I don't "step up" enough. He continued to compare me to my best friend, telling me that she has 3 sick kids right now and he bets her house is spotless and that she doesn't complain to her husband after he works a 13 hour shift. Needless to say, nothing got resolved and I got more upset so I went to bed.

Fast forward to this morning. He doesn't say good morning until I do. He acts like nothing happened. I was with the baby and he comes out of the bedroom and tells me we are going to have house guests tomorrow. I asked what that was about and he said his friends brother died and that his friend and his family (of 5!) were going to come stay with us (they live out of town) for the funeral. He didn't ask me, or give me any heads up. I'm upset over the argument and that he feels he was not wrong, and now I'm upset that he doesn't even think to check with me regarding many house guests.  Would you be upset? What would you do? Thanks, ladies.

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Re: What would you do?

  • Would I be upset?  YES

    What would I do? Absolutly NOTHING. I wouldnt prepare for HIS guests. 

  • He wants to bring 5 houseguests in with 2 sick kids at home??? REALLY??? Yeah, I'd be upset too. What a piece of work. Tell him HE can clean the house and prepare for the guests since he's the one who invited them without discussing it with you first. Because YOU have more important things on your plate, such as your sick children.
    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • He's a bully who treats you as a child. That's not a marriage. I'd initiate the legal process to end things, but first I'd call a domestic abuse shelter or attorney to protect your rights and assets.
  • image -auntie-:
    He's a bully who treats you as a child. That's not a marriage. I'd initiate the legal process to end things, but first I'd call a domestic abuse shelter or attorney to protect your rights and assets.

    Ditto this.

    This:

    he started to laugh at me and tell me that I'm immature and not equal to him

    would be enough for me to divorce his sorry @ss.  Why are you married to a man that thinks so little of you?  Has he treated you this way before?

    Get your ducks in a row & get out.  You & your kids deserve better.

    image Grayson's side-eye
  • image Belichick:

    image -auntie-:
    He's a bully who treats you as a child. That's not a marriage. I'd initiate the legal process to end things, but first I'd call a domestic abuse shelter or attorney to protect your rights and assets.

    Ditto this.

    This:

    he started to laugh at me and tell me that I'm immature and not equal to him

    would be enough for me to divorce his sorry @ss.  Why are you married to a man that thinks so little of you?  Has he treated you this way before?

    Get your ducks in a row & get out.  You & your kids deserve better.

     

    Yes, we have had this exact argument several times. Each time, he just watches me cry and asks what my problem is. I explain, and he maintains that he doesn't get it and that I'm overreacting, and he has nothing to be sorry for. 

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  • He sounds verbally & emotionally abusive.  Why have you stayed with him, don't you think you deserve better?

    Is this really the example you want you kids to grow up with?

    Again, I'd get a lawyer & leave if I were you (and I was a long time ago).  If you're not already in counseling, go.

    image Grayson's side-eye
  • image mattlovesme2006:
    image Belichick:

    image -auntie-:
    He's a bully who treats you as a child. That's not a marriage. I'd initiate the legal process to end things, but first I'd call a domestic abuse shelter or attorney to protect your rights and assets.

    Ditto this.

    This:

    he started to laugh at me and tell me that I'm immature and not equal to him

    would be enough for me to divorce his sorry @ss.  Why are you married to a man that thinks so little of you?  Has he treated you this way before?

    Get your ducks in a row & get out.  You & your kids deserve better.

     

    Yes, we have had this exact argument several times. Each time, he just watches me cry and asks what my problem is. I explain, and he maintains that he doesn't get it and that I'm overreacting, and he has nothing to be sorry for. 

    You need to start talking to a counselor and a lawyer. Spouses don't treat each other like this, and he's not going to change. Can you imagine living the rest of your life like this?

    You deserve better than this.

    image Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • FIrst, has he spent any significant time alone w/ the kids himself?  SO that he really gets what taking care of 2 kids is like?

    Second, I don't know, at this point, that I'd care about the above. Your DH sounds emotionally abusive and like an a$$hole.  I don't know that I'd really want to be w/ a man who doesn't value me or what i do for our family.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Your husband is a sack of _shit.  He doesn't even treat you with basic human decency, let alone the level of love and respect that one should show a spouse.  Counselor and lawyer, stat!
  • I would be livid. And I would do nothing beyond care for my sick children. Why on earth would he think that bringing a family of 5 into a home where there are sick kids is appropriate is beyond me.

    He doesn't respect you or see you as an equal. Can you take the kids to your parents? And say simply "They're sick and I don't think it's fair to your friend and his family to expose them to whatever the kids have so the three of us are going to stay with _____. I've done what I can, but you'll have to finish getting the house ready for them". Then grab your kids, keys and leave. 

     

  • image EastCoastBride:

    FIrst, has he spent any significant time alone w/ the kids himself?  SO that he really gets what taking care of 2 kids is like?

    Second, I don't know, at this point, that I'd care about the above. Your DH sounds emotionally abusive and like an a$$hole.  I don't know that I'd really want to be w/ a man who doesn't value me or what i do for our family.

    I agree with this.  Laughing at you when you are upset is so belittling and passive aggressive. 

    I also agree with taking your kids to your mom's (If possible) because they are sick and letting him clean the house.

  • Do you want your kids growing up thinking this dynamic is normal and ok for them too? Bullies and doormats?
  • image -auntie-:
    He's a bully who treats you as a child. That's not a marriage. I'd initiate the legal process to end things, but first I'd call a domestic abuse shelter or attorney to protect your rights and assets.

     

    Ditto this.

    KRHagen November 2009
  • If I had lost control of my mind and married this douche in the first place, had not just 1 kid but 2 kids with this assphat, what would I do when my mind cme back from it's long term vacation and I realised I was in this situation? I'd call a lawyer today and find out what I could legally do without losing rights to things, I'd start divorce proceedings, and I'd make copies of all financial and legal documents we had. I would not do anything but care for the sick kids and myself--I definately would not do anything to prepare the house for his visitors. And I would immediately find a professional that would help me understand why I would have accepted this behavior for so long and that would help me find some self-value and -worth.
  • marrying this jerk and having 2 kids iwth him were your first 3 mistakes. big ones. your 4th is not standing up to him. why do you let him treat you this way?

    how old are you? how old is he? how long were you dating before you married? are they his kids?

     

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • You don't have to live the rest of your life paying for marrying the wrong man. You can leave and you can be happy and healthy without him.

    Call an attorney TODAY.

  • Dear God, he sounds terrible.  I would ran away so fast I would leave skid marks.  I hate to get all Dr. Phil on you, but he says something that makes a lot of sense.  Kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one.  Get out now,  get some counseling so that you can get to the bottom on why you let yourself be treated like this for so long, take some time find happiness while being single and maybe, if you want to,  you can meet a decent man.  Trust me, they are out there. 
  • image alithebride:

    marrying this jerk and having 2 kids iwth him were your first 3 mistakes. big ones. your 4th is not standing up to him. why do you let him treat you this way?

    how old are you? how old is he? how long were you dating before you married? are they his kids?

     

     

    I am 25 and he is 38...we dated nearly 2 years before marrying. Yes, they are his kids. I also have 2 teenage stepkids which are his from a previous marriage. They live with us full time. 

     

    Thank you for all of your responses. I am currently in counseling, but initially went for different reasons. I do talk about these issues with my counselor and my husband has attended a couple sessions with me. He is usually better after a session. I went on medication about a month ago for mild depression (my father died a year ago from cancer and I am having a hard time dealing), and since then have been feeling a lot better. I am not as moody or snappy. It seems that since then he has gotten less understanding and more nasty towards me, while I feel more calm and collected.

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  • I am not as moody or snappy. It seems that since then he has gotten less understanding and more nasty towards me, while I feel more calm and collected.

     I feel like he probably hasn't gotten less understanding, you are just seeing it more now that you are getting yourself figured out.  You do not deserve to be treated this way and your kids do not need to grow up seeing their mom treated this way. 

  • image renegade gaucho:
    Your husband is a sack of _shit.  He doesn't even treat you with basic human decency, let alone the level of love and respect that one should show a spouse.  Counselor and lawyer, stat!

    This x 1,000,000!!!!

    I'm sorry but he is not going to change. The behavior you describe is extreme enough that it is his nature and he won't change. He isn't ACTING this way, he IS this way. If you truly believed he would be like this to you AND YOUR KIDS for the rest of your life would you stay? NO. Get out now. If you have friends and family that can help and are loving and trustworthy people lean on them as much as you need to. If not seek out a shelter for assistance. Definitely talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row but above all LEAVE AND DO NOT GO BACK. He will likely get all sobby and soft when you leave and promise to change and a whole bunch of other shiit and he will be very convincing but please please please do not believe him! This cycle can go on forever and it will. My mom lived for almost 30 years in this cycle until she passed away due to cancer. My dad treated her like crap and then he would apologize and there would be the "honeymoon" phase where he pretended to be a decent human being for a period of time but he always went back to who he really was, an abusive assshole. I know the task of creating a life for yourself and being a single mom may seem insurmountable but it can be done. Truly. Don't be his whipping post anymore. You deserve better and so do your kids. If you can't summon the strength to leave him for yourself at this moment, then do it for your kids. And don't ever think twice about your decision, no matter what happens. I wish you all the best and I hope you take very seriously all the advice you have gotten here and act on it.

  • You're only wrong doing is that you continue to stay with such a clown. I would not prepare for his guests, but instead prepare to drop that sack of sh!t like a hot rock. He will never change, and while you can't control his behavior, you can control how you react to it. Protect yourself and your kids and dump tha mothafuckaa
  • OP, I hate to tell you, but Matt does not love you.
    [IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/mmbdis.jpg[/IMG]
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  • image jordansgirl05:

    image renegade gaucho:
    Your husband is a sack of _shit.  He doesn't even treat you with basic human decency, let alone the level of love and respect that one should show a spouse.  Counselor and lawyer, stat!

    This x 1,000,000!!!!

    I'm sorry but he is not going to change. The behavior you describe is extreme enough that it is his nature and he won't change. He isn't ACTING this way, he IS this way. If you truly believed he would be like this to you AND YOUR KIDS for the rest of your life would you stay? NO. Get out now. If you have friends and family that can help and are loving and trustworthy people lean on them as much as you need to. If not seek out a shelter for assistance. Definitely talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row but above all LEAVE AND DO NOT GO BACK. He will likely get all sobby and soft when you leave and promise to change and a whole bunch of other shiit and he will be very convincing but please please please do not believe him! This cycle can go on forever and it will. My mom lived for almost 30 years in this cycle until she passed away due to cancer. My dad treated her like crap and then he would apologize and there would be the "honeymoon" phase where he pretended to be a decent human being for a period of time but he always went back to who he really was, an abusive assshole. I know the task of creating a life for yourself and being a single mom may seem insurmountable but it can be done. Truly. Don't be his whipping post anymore. You deserve better and so do your kids. If you can't summon the strength to leave him for yourself at this moment, then do it for your kids. And don't ever think twice about your decision, no matter what happens. I wish you all the best and I hope you take very seriously all the advice you have gotten here and act on it.

     

    This would definitely not be him. He is not very good with feelings at all. He hides them. I guess I am just having a hard time understanding how someone can not care about how his spouse is feeling, when I am telling him that I am hurt. I will probably get flamed for that, but when you are involved in it, it is difficult to see, I suppose.

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  • He sounds like an ass who needs to be shown the door or the therapists office.
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  • Upset? That doesn't even describe that.

    What he is doing is verbally abusing you, taking you for granted and being an @sshole.

    If hehas company that needs to be rushed for, he can rush. You have sick kids and are a tired mommy. He needs to step it up, be a man, and not such a jerk.

  • I'm sorry that you are going through this but you do not deserve to be laughed at.  He is emotionally and verbally abusing you and teaching all the kids that its okay to treat mommy like a sack of sh*t. 

    My father always told EVERYONE that as long as the Mommy is happy, the family is happy.  And I knew I would never settle for a man who disagreed with that statement.  Husbands should treat their wives like queens.  Sure, DH and I don't have a lot of money and we are still trying to have children but we love each other and respect each other and we know we work as a team.  I'm so sad that you may never know this. You deserve to, you deserve better and so don't your kids. 

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