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This is really long but I'd appreciate any advice.

My husband's brother is a huge pr!ck and I am at a loss about what to do. To give some (really brief) background here, DH's family is extremely controlling and can be manipulative, this caused a lot of problems for us right after we were married. While his parents haven't gotten any less prone to guilt trips, the way DH handles the situations has gotten sooo much better, almost a complete 180 (this was contributed to by me packing up my stuff and leaving while he was at work). The men in his family are all very womanizing and everyone is expected to just put up with it.

 

All right, so BIL is right along these lines and treats MIL the same way and when I came into the picture, it fell right in line. BIL lives with his parents and last time we were back he saw DH drinking a mountain dew and completely flew off the handle and yelled at him and MIL for a half hour about how "we" always come back and drink his pop. He's been complaining about it ever since. So for Christmas, *one* of his presents from us was a 12 pack of Mountain Dew as a tongue-in-cheek joke. He asked for his present to us back (MIL bought it and put his name on it). Then he took out a can and threw it at DH and said "Oh shut up, I knew he'd catch it." and left the room.

BIL has 2 bedrooms. When we visit, DH's parents make him clean out one for us to stay in.  On Christmas, I got sick and threw up in the dining room (obviously I didn't plan this) and he said someone should just rub my face in it and drag me outside until I was housebroken. (DH didn't hear him say this.) MIL is also about to be between jobs (literally, that's not a euphemism, the last day of her 2 week notice was yesterday and she starts the new job on Monday) so she asked DH and I to stay an extra day or two so she could see us. We agreed and were talking to her in the living room while eating pizza and he says, "What is it that you people don't understand about shutting up?" (Crocodile Dundee had started and he apparently wanted to watch it). DH said, "I believe you have a bedroom you could watch this in." and he said "Yeah and I also have a room I'd like to watch it in if you people would ever leave." So DH jokingly said "I'm off until January, so if you're not careful I might just stay until then." BIL says, "I'll clean out the office then and you guys can sleep in there instead of taking over my effing room." No one said anything but DH gave me a "That was uncalled for" look. I got up and left the room.

It's his parents' house and we came back to see them, not him. MIL didn't say anything when he said we should sleep in the office and she doesn't say anything about how rude he is. (Edit: We were only sleeping in the bedroom in the first place because that's where MIL indicated would be best for her if we stayed so FIL could work in the office while we were there. Also, there's a bed in the room we were in and not in the office.) DH came in to "our" room to talk to me and then BIL went into his room so he went into the living room and really freaked out on MIL and said, "I know you don't want to start something but if we're welcome here then we need to feel like we are. There's a difference between him needing to deal with us being welcome in your home and us needing to deal with him when we come here."

He just makes me feel so uncomfortable and he's rude, and it's not like we go back very often anymore. MIL cried and asked us not to leave but we both wanted to at that point so we drove home and got back around 2am. MIL has talked to him before about his behavior and she always does the "I know you didn't mean it that way but.." But that doesn't make it fvcking okay to continuously ignore and demean everyone around him. Why doesn't he leave? He's 23, he has a job, there's no reason he can't leave except he needs MIL to drive him around because he got a DUI and can't go anywhere.

Okay, anyway, I'm starting to just vent. I don't know what to do. Should we just say that we aren't going back there anymore because he can't behave himself? Tell them if they want to see us then they are welcome to come here or they can meet us for dinner somewhere but we will not go to their home as long as he is there?  These aren't isolated incidents, it's always an on-slaught of (literal) yelling and snide remarks from him. I don't want to have to completely cut my ILS from my life, but I really hate having to be around him and he won't listen to DH when he tells him that he needs to be civil.

Re: This is really long but I'd appreciate any advice.

  • image Sagenhaft:
    Should we just say that we aren't going back there anymore because he can't behave himself? Tell them if they want to see us then they are welcome to come here or they can meet us for dinner somewhere but we will not go to their home as long as he is there? 
    I think this is all perfectly acceptable.
  • unfortunately that may be your only option if you dont want to have to put up with bil, asking mil and fil to either come visit you and dh or meet someplace for dinner. good  luck.  not a good situation
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  • image Sagenhaft:

    On Christmas, I got sick and threw up in the dining room (obviously I didn't plan this) and he said someone should just rub my face in it and drag me outside until I was housebroken. (DH didn't hear him say this.)

    I think at that point I'd have kicked him in the nadds. Have you or your H told him to F off and GTH yet?? I would have a long time ago, not caring WHAT my MIL had to say about it. Everyone has their snapping point.

    This a-hole needs to grow up and get his own place.  I know a few people who had DUIs and suspended licenses; they made it work while still living in their own place.  There's nothing wrong with hitching a ride from a co worker who lives nearby.

    But to answer your question, I also think it's perfectly acceptable on your part to tell your MIL and FIL that they are welcome in your home at any time to visit (sans the a-hole) and you would gladly go places with them to catch up and spend time together.   And until BIL gets rid of the attitude, you either won't be going back, or you'll be staying in a hotel when you do visit.  There's no reason you should be treated that way by this self-righteous jackazz.  Just remember - people like him eventually get a good whoopazz by Karma.

    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • image Sagenhaft:
    Should we just say that we aren't going back there anymore because he can't behave himself? Tell them if they want to see us then they are welcome to come here or they can meet us for dinner somewhere but we will not go to their home as long as he is there?

    yes.

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  • image casmgn:
    image Sagenhaft:
    Should we just say that we aren't going back there anymore because he can't behave himself? Tell them if they want to see us then they are welcome to come here or they can meet us for dinner somewhere but we will not go to their home as long as he is there? 
    I think this is all perfectly acceptable.
    I fully agree.  But I want to throw something else out too....

    why give him so much power?  I get that it's all the time, but why respond?  Why storm out of the room?  Really- in the end, he got exactly what he wanted! 

    Why not try to exact opposite?  Ignoring him?  Or laughing like what he said was funny? 

    I really have to wonder if he stopped getting ANY reaction, if he'd get bored!  I think he gets some weird enjoyment out of pissing people off.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I'm with the PP, have the ILs come to YOUR house without the azzhole and then you can actually enjoy your visit. Man, that guy is a real piece of work huh?  The rubbing your face in it thing is just completely unacceptable!
    My Blog - Life, Love and Laughter No government can dictate who we love. Life is short...so do what feels right!
  • Invite the in-laws (minus the jerk) to your house or meet up a neutral location.  Let them know you love them and want to visit with them but simply cannot tolerate his abusive behavior any longer. 
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  • This is crazy to me that all of you are allowing this behavior to continue. I am glad that you and your H eventually left, against MIL's wishes (may be what needs to happen to get her to find her backbone and discipline her son).

    If I were you, I most certainly would not go back there if he is there. His abuse is clearly over the line. Invite your IL's to your house (WITHOUT this jerk), and make it clear to them why you will not go to their house. 

    I am appalled that your MIL heard his comment about you throwing up and did not ream him out for it. When she didn't, I would have if I were you.

     

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • I don't understand why, after each and every comment, someone didn't say, "Well, then why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    You drink his Mountain Dew: "Well, then why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    He tells you to shut up for the movie:  "Well, then why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    "I'd have a room if you people would ever leave"; "Well, then why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    You can sleep in the office so I don't have to clean MY room:  "It's not YOUR room and  why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    And repeat as necessary.   The fact of the matter is, he is a guest in her home.  He has no elevated status there, unless he is a bona fide tenant paying rent.    I'd remind him of that fact every single time he makes a comment. 

    But, I'd also avoid going over there like the plague.  Maybe your MIL will grow some cajones and kick him out. 

  • image donnycornelius:

    I don't understand why, after each and every comment, someone didn't say, "Well, then why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    You drink his Mountain Dew: "Well, then why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    He tells you to shut up for the movie:  "Well, then why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    "I'd have a room if you people would ever leave"; "Well, then why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    You can sleep in the office so I don't have to clean MY room:  "It's not YOUR room and  why don't you get your own place instead of living with mommy and daddy?"

    And repeat as necessary.   The fact of the matter is, he is a guest in her home.  He has no elevated status there, unless he is a bona fide tenant paying rent.    I'd remind him of that fact every single time he makes a comment. 

    But, I'd also avoid going over there like the plague.  Maybe your MIL will grow some cajones and kick him out. 

    This is awesome.
    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • Thanks for all the responses, ladies!

     

    When he made the throwing up comment, I was busy trying to keep down the rest of it while running to the bathroom and MIL said she just "didn't want to start" anything. But the thing I keep saying is, BIL is the one starting everything and we would just be responding to it.

     

    DH asked him a few times (after incidents like I mentioned) why he didn't move out and his response was that this is a good way for him to save money for a new truck. He;s been living there since he dropped out of college more than a year ago and just bought (among other things) a $500 cellphone and a new playstation. I have absolutely no idea why they don't kick him out but he has a sweet deal. No rent, he doesn't pay for food, she cooks for him, packs his lunch,  drives him on errands because of the DUI, and he gets run of the house and his 2 bedrooms. And as I'm sure you've guessed from the DUI, he has a drinking problem.

     

    Thanks for the responses, though. I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't be cutting the ILs out of our life too much if we stop going there!

  • image EastCoastBride:

    image casmgn:
    image Sagenhaft:
    Should we just say that we aren't going back there anymore because he can't behave himself? Tell them if they want to see us then they are welcome to come here or they can meet us for dinner somewhere but we will not go to their home as long as he is there? 
    I think this is all perfectly acceptable.
    I fully agree.  But I want to throw something else out too....

    why give him so much power?  I get that it's all the time, but why respond?  Why storm out of the room?  Really- in the end, he got exactly what he wanted! 

    Why not try to exact opposite?  Ignoring him?  Or laughing like what he said was funny? 

    I really have to wonder if he stopped getting ANY reaction, if he'd get bored!  I think he gets some weird enjoyment out of pissing people off.

    If we ignore him, he just yells louder. Like, he has such a short fuse before he starts freaking out and throwing stuff. DH says he thinks he has some kind of legitimate mental problem but his parents won't hear about it and obviously he can't talk to BIL about it.

  • Wow. A d!ckhead, a mooch AND a momma's boy. No wonder you can't stand being around him!!!
    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
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