My husband's brother is a huge pr!ck and I am at a loss about what to do. To give some (really brief) background here, DH's family is extremely controlling and can be manipulative, this caused a lot of problems for us right after we were married. While his parents haven't gotten any less prone to guilt trips, the way DH handles the situations has gotten sooo much better, almost a complete 180 (this was contributed to by me packing up my stuff and leaving while he was at work). The men in his family are all very womanizing and everyone is expected to just put up with it.
All right, so BIL is right along these lines and treats MIL the same way and when I came into the picture, it fell right in line. BIL lives with his parents and last time we were back he saw DH drinking a mountain dew and completely flew off the handle and yelled at him and MIL for a half hour about how "we" always come back and drink his pop. He's been complaining about it ever since. So for Christmas, *one* of his presents from us was a 12 pack of Mountain Dew as a tongue-in-cheek joke. He asked for his present to us back (MIL bought it and put his name on it). Then he took out a can and threw it at DH and said "Oh shut up, I knew he'd catch it." and left the room.
BIL has 2 bedrooms. When we visit, DH's parents make him clean out one for us to stay in. On Christmas, I got sick and threw up in the dining room (obviously I didn't plan this) and he said someone should just rub my face in it and drag me outside until I was housebroken. (DH didn't hear him say this.) MIL is also about to be between jobs (literally, that's not a euphemism, the last day of her 2 week notice was yesterday and she starts the new job on Monday) so she asked DH and I to stay an extra day or two so she could see us. We agreed and were talking to her in the living room while eating pizza and he says, "What is it that you people don't understand about shutting up?" (Crocodile Dundee had started and he apparently wanted to watch it). DH said, "I believe you have a bedroom you could watch this in." and he said "Yeah and I also have a room I'd like to watch it in if you people would ever leave." So DH jokingly said "I'm off until January, so if you're not careful I might just stay until then." BIL says, "I'll clean out the office then and you guys can sleep in there instead of taking over my effing room." No one said anything but DH gave me a "That was uncalled for" look. I got up and left the room.
It's his parents' house and we came back to see them, not him. MIL didn't say anything when he said we should sleep in the office and she doesn't say anything about how rude he is. (Edit: We were only sleeping in the bedroom in the first place because that's where MIL indicated would be best for her if we stayed so FIL could work in the office while we were there. Also, there's a bed in the room we were in and not in the office.) DH came in to "our" room to talk to me and then BIL went into his room so he went into the living room and really freaked out on MIL and said, "I know you don't want to start something but if we're welcome here then we need to feel like we are. There's a difference between him needing to deal with us being welcome in your home and us needing to deal with him when we come here."
He just makes me feel so uncomfortable and he's rude, and it's not like we go back very often anymore. MIL cried and asked us not to leave but we both wanted to at that point so we drove home and got back around 2am. MIL has talked to him before about his behavior and she always does the "I know you didn't mean it that way but.." But that doesn't make it fvcking okay to continuously ignore and demean everyone around him. Why doesn't he leave? He's 23, he has a job, there's no reason he can't leave except he needs MIL to drive him around because he got a DUI and can't go anywhere.
Okay, anyway, I'm starting to just vent. I don't know what to do. Should we just say that we aren't going back there anymore because he can't behave himself? Tell them if they want to see us then they are welcome to come here or they can meet us for dinner somewhere but we will not go to their home as long as he is there? These aren't isolated incidents, it's always an on-slaught of (literal) yelling and snide remarks from him. I don't want to have to completely cut my ILS from my life, but I really hate having to be around him and he won't listen to DH when he tells him that he needs to be civil.