Sex & Romance
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Normal?

Background: Husband and I have been married for a year and a half. When we were dating, we had frequent sex and maybe once every five or six months he wouldn't be able to finish.

Fast forward to today, and it seems like every time we have sex he loses his erection. He's 26, so the first few times it happened I didn't say much or think much about it. I figured he was stressed or something and the next time it would work itself out. We have sex about once a week, sometimes more and sometimes less, and I'd say this problem has started occuring at least 50% of the time.

I've tried to talk with him about it without hurting his manhood, but I'm getting really frustrated. I love my husband, and we are quite happy besides this issue. Yesterday when it happened, I asked if there was anything I could do to help, and he said he appreciated me asking, but no. I've asked him if he's depressed, and he said no. I asked if I could change positions or do anything to spice it up, and he said no. I mentioned going to the doctor, and he shut down. I think he's too young for this to be happening, and I think there might be a health reason behind it.

What say you?

Re: Normal?

  • He needs to go to the doctor. It DOES happen to guys this age, a lot of the times it's just that it happens once from stress or whatever and after that the pressure just gets worse for them and it'll happen again because they're working them selves up with the "please get hard please get hard" thoughts.  Sometimes the doctor will just prescribe viagara and get him to take half of it (H did this and took it once and that's all he needed to get his confidece back). When he did go to the doctors the doctor told him that this happens actually often with young guys, they just get freaked out after one bad experience and the pressure goes to their heads.

    It might not be this but the thing is it can probably be easily fixed. It's a pretty important part of the body, why wouldn't he want to make it better? It's not his fault this is happening, but he does have the ability to at least get it checked out.


  • Do you know if he masturbates frequently. Often times, especially with younger men, their brains get inherently trained to climax based on the specific friction and feel of their own hand. As they do this more and more, it can become more difficult to "get-off" to your partner. Additionally, if his daily routine includes masturbating, he may not have the ability to get it up again later in the day when it comes time for you guys to have intercourse.

    Additionally, the lack of ability to maintain an erection can be caused by depression, stress, or certain health issues. If he seems defensive when you talk to him, I would lean more towards the masturbation complex. If he seems extremly dissappointed with himself or sad, it coudl very well be stress or depression. Lastly, if he grabs the damn thing right in the middle of sex and screams, "what the hell is wrong with you", it might be a good idea to make an appointment with a urologist. Good luck!

    BabyName Ticker
  • He does masturbate some, but not a ton. He told me yesterday that he has a hard time finishing when he masturbates.
  • imagebirdsrfun:
    He does masturbate some, but not a ton. He told me yesterday that he has a hard time finishing when he masturbates.

     Has he been depressed lately, or especially stressed? Any external factors like work issues, etc, coming into play? And also, how does he act when it happens, or when you ask questions about it. Does he get overly defensive, upset, or just frustrated at his penis?

    BabyName Ticker
  • imageLovestojam:

    imagebirdsrfun:
    He does masturbate some, but not a ton. He told me yesterday that he has a hard time finishing when he masturbates.

     Has he been depressed lately, or especially stressed? Any external factors like work issues, etc, coming into play? And also, how does he act when it happens, or when you ask questions about it. Does he get overly defensive, upset, or just frustrated at his penis?

    I don't think he is depressed. He's a very calm/peaceful person, so I don't think that's the case. He may be stressed though. He works 12 hour days on his feet, and lately he's worked a ton of overtime. When it happens and I ask questions, he usually respond with an "I dunno." He gets really quiet.

  • I will add that he has been a bit of an insomniac lately. We will go to bed around nine or ten, and he'll wake up at 2 and not be able to go back to sleep.
  • I don't think he is depressed. He's a very calm/peaceful person, so I don't think that's the case. He may be stressed though. He works 12 hour days on his feet, and lately he's worked a ton of overtime. When it happens and I ask questions, he usually respond with an "I dunno." He gets really quiet.

    I'm incredibly calm and peaceful too while h is very tense and show's when he's stressed. You're H could be stressed though and you might not realize it because he hides it. My H doesn't know if I'm going crazy in my head unless I actually tell him because I hide it, on the outside I look like I might have everything together but inside my mind could be racing.  My doctor told me I had a high anxiety and I was like "what!? no way! I'm the MELLOW one!!"...Your H might be calm and happy but there might be more going on in his head than you realize, he might just be good at keeping it under wraps.


  • I have a couple of married friends whose husbands have the same issue.  For them it is psychological and has taken a serious toll on their marriage. 

    Since he is having problems with masturbation as well, I would look to a physical cause.  Is there any difference in his sex drive?  Is there any difference in the quality of his erections?  And this is pretty direct, is he taking marijuana or drinking alcohol?  Sometimes, intoxicants can affect orgasmic ability.

    I would ask that he refrain from masturbating for a month and see if that improves his orgasmic ratio.  

    And remember, whenever you discuss it with him, emphasize the concern for his pleasure.  This can never be about your attractiveness or sexual pride... 

     

  • My H had the same kind of issues for a while last year. I think it was all in his head (psychological) because it happened once and he kept stressing about it so it happened more often. It took him a while to make an appt and go to the Dr, but he did. He got prescribed Viagra which he used a few times... and now we're good. Smile This happened when he was 25 years old.

    Your H needs to go to the Dr because it could be nothing but it could also be something really serious. 

  • No, he doesn't drink, smoke, or take drugs.

    I think he needs to go to the doctor too, but I don't know how to get him to go. He NEVER goes to the doctor. I've known him for seven years, and he's never gone. I don't want to be the naggy wife.

  • srgw makes a good point. I had a friend who's husband last year started having a similar problem. It was mainly related to a large project he was working on which kept him up 16 hrs a day, and required alot of travel. After experiencing a problem with keeping an erection a few times he really began to psych himself out, until it became a regular thing to the point that he no longer wanted to have sex. He went to a urologist, who found nothing physically wrong with him, but was intuitive enough to figure out that he may have psyched himself out. The doctor prescribed a 15 day supply of Levitra (similar to Viagra) and supposedly her DH fealt like he was 18 again. After rge 15 days, and he had his self confidence back, the problem seemed to go away on its own.

    There really are so many potential causes that he really should go and see a doctor, if not for himself, then atleast for your happiness and the sake of your marriage.I really do hope things get worked out because you sound like a very nice person who is as concerned with his well being as your own sexual satisfaction. Good luck!

    BabyName Ticker
  • imagebirdsrfun:

    No, he doesn't drink, smoke, or take drugs.

    I think he needs to go to the doctor too, but I don't know how to get him to go. He NEVER goes to the doctor. I've known him for seven years, and he's never gone. I don't want to be the naggy wife.

    Try being straight with him. "H I want you to go see a doctor. This is probably a physical problem and it can probably be easily fixed, leaving it alone is not making it better and this is not exactly a part of your body that you should mess with! 

    and if he's still on the fence "I want fuucking kids some day!" (okay maybe leave that part out....but I added it when I had this talk with my H)

  • I would definitely recommend him seeing a doctor. It may be nothing or it may be something. Without an annual checkup he isn't going to know. the stress can affect your relationship too. Let him know you love him and support him and you aren't holding this against him.
  • He needs a complete physical.

    Not just a Viagra Rx thrown at him.

    Circulatory problems, diabetes and thyroid problems can all cause erectile problems. The penis is the dipstick to a man's health.

    The above problems need to be ruled out by a doc -- he needs to see an internist, or perhaps a urologist.

    How to get him to go for a physical: how about you get one also? Make it a team endeavor --- it's probably time for you to have your yearly, anyway. GL.

  • imagebirdsrfun:
    I will add that he has been a bit of an insomniac lately. We will go to bed around nine or ten, and he'll wake up at 2 and not be able to go back to sleep.

    This is one symptom of depression (obviously not the only and, and obviously depression isn't the only thing that can cause insomnia).

    I second the PP who recommended a full physical, especially if he hasn't had one recently. The fact that he has trouble finishing when masturbating suggests that this isn't the problem (or isn't the only problem). Better to be safe than sorry, and if you're planning to be with this man for the rest of your life, he will (likely) eventually have to start seeing a doctor, as even the healthiest of us develop minor health issues as we age. Better to start now, and if this kind of problem doesn't get him to the doctor, I don't know what will...

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagebirdsrfun:
    He does masturbate some, but not a ton. He told me yesterday that he has a hard time finishing when he masturbates.

     

    It may also be "delayed ejaculation": https://health.google.com/health/ref/Delayed+ejaculation

    My husband has this issue; sometimes, he simply can't finish. It has nothing to do with me or depression or pressure or stress, it's just the way he's built.

     When your husband does orgasm, does it take him a long time to do so? I don't disagree that he should have a physical and discuss this with his doctor, but it may just be the way he is.  

    image
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