Sex & Romance
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since the wedding, DH has lost his sex drive?!?!

Before the wedding we could not wait to have sex. We came very close many times, but waited until the wedding night.  Now 5 months in, we have sex once every 2-3 weeks and he says that we do it just enough to keep the desire alive...whatever that means.  I am missing my honeymoon when we had sex 2-3 times a day!  I am wondering if is masterbating while home alone (we work opposite shifts), and if that is a major componant of what kills his mood.  I know I am masterbating, but that is because I am not getting any.  And it usually makes me feel pretty crappy when I am done, because I feel like I should be wanted enough by my husband that I don't need to do that for myself.  I am still pretty shy about talking about sex.  I have tried to talk to him about it, and he usually feels like crap when we are done, feeling like he is not living up to my expectations of a husband.  His affection level has gone up since our most recent talk, considering before it felt like he never even touched me at all unless we were having sex.  I practically have to make him give me any kind of kiss besides a quick peck. 

Please let me know if you have any suggestions on how to approach kindly and lovingly approach this topic, and try to convince him our lives could  be so much greater if we can do this togheter.  And lets hope that is all it is, and not something more serious. 

Re: since the wedding, DH has lost his sex drive?!?!

  • I'm in the exact same situation, actually. When we were dating it was like he couldn't keep his hands off of me and it was incredibly hard to wait til our wedding night. We've been married 8 months and now I have to beg for affection. 

    It's a really hard subject to approach. Men typically get incredibly defensive when it comes to talking about this stuff because they feel like we're attacking them when in reality...we're just trying to talk something out with them. 

    I would make his favorite dinner and sit down and ask if everything is ok. Tell him you've noticed that he seems a little less interested in sex and wanted to make sure that everything is ok. And ask if there's anything that you can do to help eliminate some of the stress that he has so you guys can have time as a couple.   Make it more about helping him than about your disappointment with your sex lives.

    Also make a point to let him know throughout the day how much you love, respect, care and are attracted to him. Even if it's just a text here and there to let him know. And let him know how much you're looking forward to spending time with him...sex or not. 

     I feel for you, I really do. I've spent nights just lying in bed crying because I cant figure out what's wrong with me that my husband doesn't seem interested in touching me anymore but we finally had a conversation a few weeks ago that really seemed to get through to him. So I'm hoping things will get better from here.  

    But I'll be praying for you guys and don't hesitate to get a hold of me even if it's just to vent. I know how hard it is.

    -K 

     

  • Whenever I see posts like these I tend to go with the Madonna-Wh0re Syndrome.

    See a sex therapist, the both of you; make the continuation of your marriage contingent upon his attending with you. This is fixable. Good luck.

  •   Rarely does reality live up to the fantasy. 
  • imagelifeguard:
      Rarely does reality live up to the fantasy. 

    Deifnitely some truth to this one.  When you've spent X number of years putting it off and anticipating, the whole sex thing gets so built up.  Then after you've shagged a few times, it's not nearly so exciting.  People who have sex sex with several folks know that new relationships are like this -- the first time is really intense in many ways, but after the first couple times, it levels out.  For you and your husband, it's like you're in a new relationship, since each of you is having sex with each other without having banged a lot of other people.

    Part of it is that you work different shifts.  That and work stress will kill sex drive.  But the bottom line is that you are out of the honeymoon phase, and sex turns into something commonplace.  It's not anticipated like it was when you hadn't done it.  There's nothing WRONG with this, it's just how life is.  That which is frequently repeated tends to become commonplace.  

    If you want to spice it up (which, considering how short a time you've been married, is a little sad), try adding toys or new positions or slutty lingerie or even just grabbing him by his junk and dragging him into the bedroom.  But be aware that being demure about it probably isn't gonna get you anywhere.

  • It is time to have a conversation with him about your level of sexual intimacy.  This conversation needs to be direct but positive.

    Start off with "I love having sex with you.  I love the intimacy and the connection, but even more importantly, I love the pleasure we have together.  I definitely want more of that.  What do you think we can do to have more sex in our lives?"  Always take the positive position "I like our sex life and I want even more" never the whiny "Why won't you have sex with me anymore?!"

    Then listen to his response.  Don't just take "I dunno" as a response.  If he needs to think about it, Set a date for a couple of days down the road to have a solution based conversation about the situation.  Perhaps he will suggest different times of the day or more spontaneous sex (join him in the shower) or different positions.  Perhaps he will tell you that the stress of life is really getting to him. Ask him what time of the day he is feeling most horny.  Perhaps you guys need to postpone weekend chores to have more time for relaxed sex.  Perhaps you guys need to rent a motel room for more decadent sex.  Perhaps you need to create a "Honey Do Me" jar with sexual fantasies that you guys would like to try.  Every week, pull one fantasy out of the jar and vow to make it happen within the next two weeks.  

  • I thought I was alone in this. I feel a little better seeing that my husband isn't the only guy out there who isn't as aggressive about sex as I'd like. We have never had that honeymoon phase and it's depressing. I think that our situation is that we place the sexual part of our relationship at different levels of priority and that we also think about sex a little differently because of our background. Those are two things I suggest you address. I completely understand being unsure about how to approach these topics, they are sensitive issues and you worry about hurting feelings or damaging egos. As someone who's in a similar situation I want to let you know that one talk has not cured our bedroom malfunction, we've had at least 3 or 4 talks in the first six months of our marriage and we're going to have another one soon. It's a long road because sex is never simple. That said I can'tn't tell you exactly how to talk to your husband. I don't know either of your personalities of histories but you do. You can find the right words to bring this up, just stay away from the "we need to talk", or "can we talk". If you just jump right into it he'll respond better and he won't have a chance to get defensive before you even begin. Also remember not be accusatory. You'll find the exact words and I wish you the best.
    imageGraphics In a world of crazy we need as many hugs as we can get.
  • imageFuture.Mrs.Carter:
    I thought I was alone in this. I feel a little better seeing that my husband isn't the only guy out there who isn't as aggressive about sex as I'd like. We have never had that honeymoon phase and it's depressing. I think that our situation is that we place the sexual part of our relationship at different levels of priority and that we also think about sex a little differently because of our background. Those are two things I suggest you address. I completely understand being unsure about how to approach these topics, they are sensitive issues and you worry about hurting feelings or damaging egos. As someone who's in a similar situation I want to let you know that one talk has not cured our bedroom malfunction, we've had at least 3 or 4 talks in the first six months of our marriage and we're going to have another one soon. It's a long road because sex is never simple. That said I can'tn't tell you exactly how to talk to your husband. I don't know either of your personalities of histories but you do. You can find the right words to bring this up, just stay away from the "we need to talk", or "can we talk". If you just jump right into it he'll respond better and he won't have a chance to get defensive before you even begin. Also remember not be accusatory. You'll find the exact words and I wish you the best.

      The "we need to talk" thing seems to be such a surprise to DH. They tend to think everything is ok.............. 

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