Family Matters
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Strike one w/ Meet the parents

For thanksgiving I went with my boyfriend to finally meet his parents with whom I have spoken with on the phone. They've always been friendly talking to me over the phone but after his mother got done with her grilling session things weren't so friendly.

Trav and I have been together almost 6 months, we know we want to get married but are in no hurry. We met at a concert and have been doing long distance from Boise (where I live) to Phoenix (his current place). I'm moving next week to AZ. I interviewed for a job and got it. I'll be dental assisting like I have for the past 6 years.

Travis is incredible. In HS he won every award for everything it seems like. He was captain of water polo team as well as wrestling and then went on w/ a wrestling scholarship and graduates Dec w/ his undergrad. Taking a year off for work and then applying to law school. Needless to say he has accomplished alot and goes for his goals. "The golden Child" Hes the baby of 2 boys.

The older brother T is a CPA his gf is getting her masters right now in family and marriage counseling. His family is well off- lives in Laguna Beach Cali. I come from a small town outside Reno w/ a not so well off family. None of us have gone to college. 5 kids and 2 parents. His family expects perfection.

During my trip I felt unnaccepted by his parents as well as his brother and SIL to be. His mom gave me the "He has goals chat and don't hold him back" along with "you need to have goals of your own" blah blah blah... in a nutshell - you aren't good enough for my son. Followed by his dad talking to him the next day and putting life in perspective. To which Trav let me know that I'm not "allowed" to live w/ him for a month because he doesn't want to disappoint his dad. meanwhile his gf -Me- has no where to live. W/ the cost of moving I don't have the money or the credit because of a shortsale to get my own apt. w/o working for at least 2 weeks first. 1 month would be ideal.

We drove there and back with his brother and SIL to be. driving there all they did was complain and argue while we sat quietly in the back seat trying to sleep for 6 hours. On the way back not one word was said to us. Not only did we leave a day late making Trav miss his classes. They didn't care about anyone but themselves.

Done with the babble... point being, His family is close. His mom stated she wanted her kids and whoever they end up with to be friends. ... problem 1: Thats not going to happen. Trav and I are very laid back where T and SIL are uptight and everything has to be their way. Problem 2: parents don't approve of me. When I discussed w/ Trav he stated it wasn't that they don't approve but they don't like our choices or my past. I can't change that and I don't want it to come down to Trav having to decide me or them. I don't think that's fair???? How should I settle things with the fam?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Strike one w/ Meet the parents

  • Well, the only thing really is to give them time and let them get to know you.

    I see their concern, you are moving across country to live with a guy you've known for 6 months. It's a little fast true love or no. (advice given with the understanding this may be mud)

     

    Also, your bio says its been 139 days since your wedding... is this just a number you put in there randomly.... or.... ?

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  • Sounds like you have a keeper!  He is willing to let you be homeless for a month in order to make daddy happy.  Wow.

    If he is serious about spending his life with you, he needs to be putting you, and not mommy and daddy, first.

     

  • To which Trav let me know that I'm not "allowed" to live w/ him for a month because he doesn't want to disappoint his dad. meanwhile his gf -Me- has no where to live

    Have you ever heard of a mamas boy?

    You've got yourself a big one sweetie!

    Where does he expect you to live, if that was your original agreement? What happens after a month, his father wont be disappointed in him anymore? What happens after a month and he STILL  doesnt want to upset his dad?

    This boy will always put mommy and daddy ahead of you. It doesnt get better.

    Moving 1/2 way across the country to be with a  boy you dont know well is noever a good idea.



  • image withlovedani:

    For thanksgiving I went with my boyfriend to finally meet his parents with whom I have spoken with on the phone. They've always been friendly talking to me over the phone but after his mother got done with her grilling session things weren't so friendly.

    Trav and I have been together almost 6 months, we know we want to get married but are in no hurry. We met at a concert and have been doing long distance from Boise (where I live) to Phoenix (his current place). I'm moving next week to AZ. I interviewed for a job and got it. I'll be dental assisting like I have for the past 6 years.

    Travis is incredible. In HS he won every award for everything it seems like. He was captain of water polo team as well as wrestling and then went on w/ a wrestling scholarship and graduates Dec w/ his undergrad. Taking a year off for work and then applying to law school. Needless to say he has accomplished alot and goes for his goals. "The golden Child" Hes the baby of 2 boys.

    The older brother T is a CPA his gf is getting her masters right now in family and marriage counseling. His family is well off- lives in Laguna Beach Cali. I come from a small town outside Reno w/ a not so well off family. None of us have gone to college. 5 kids and 2 parents. His family expects perfection.

    During my trip I felt unnaccepted by his parents as well as his brother and SIL to be. His mom gave me the "He has goals chat and don't hold him back" along with "you need to have goals of your own" blah blah blah... in a nutshell - you aren't good enough for my son. Followed by his dad talking to him the next day and putting life in perspective. To which Trav let me know that I'm not "allowed" to live w/ him for a month because he doesn't want to disappoint his dad. meanwhile his gf -Me- has no where to live. W/ the cost of moving I don't have the money or the credit because of a shortsale to get my own apt. w/o working for at least 2 weeks first. 1 month would be ideal.

    We drove there and back with his brother and SIL to be. driving there all they did was complain and argue while we sat quietly in the back seat trying to sleep for 6 hours. On the way back not one word was said to us. Not only did we leave a day late making Trav miss his classes. They didn't care about anyone but themselves.

    Done with the babble... point being, His family is close. His mom stated she wanted her kids and whoever they end up with to be friends. ... problem 1: Thats not going to happen. Trav and I are very laid back where T and SIL are uptight and everything has to be their way. Problem 2: parents don't approve of me. When I discussed w/ Trav he stated it wasn't that they don't approve but they don't like our choices or my past. I can't change that and I don't want it to come down to Trav having to decide me or them. I don't think that's fair???? How should I settle things with the fam?

    1. they have a point in the it's very fast to be moving in together.

    2. get a short term let in the area, it won't kill you. move into a share house if you can't afford your own place. See how the relationship goes when you see more of each other before committing to moving in.

    3. have they categorically said 'you're not good enough?'. I suspect you are imaginging that because you feel in awe of what they have financially or socially. You need to let that shiit go.

    4. Dental nurse is an excellent career. Hear me? It's a skilled position.

    Stop putting yourself down. So you didn't come from loads of money. Doesn't make you a bad person. Just because he was captain of a sports team at school and has a good job, doesn't make him awesome either.

  • image withlovedani:

    I don't want it to come down to Trav having to decide me or them.

    Oh pumpkin, he's already made that decision. You just refuse to see what it is and accept it. Maybe it'll come to you while you're sleeping in your car that first month in Arizona.

    How should I settle things with the fam?

    What do you need to settle with the family? They aren't the problem here. They've done absolutely nothing wrong in regard to your relationship with their son.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Perhaps you shoud have waited a little longer to quit your job and move. You know, after you met the family and spent at least a year being in a relationship with Mr. Perfect and getting to know him, his quirks (i.e. being a mama's boy) and his family.

    Because now, you're basically homeless and he's allowing it. I'm sorry you're going thru this but I think you jumped the gun just a little bit. He needs to stand up to his parents if he REALLY feels the way he says he does about you. If he's that worried about upsetting his dad that he's willing to put you out on the street, then he's not worth it. Try and get your old job back and stay in Boise.

    [IMG]http://i42.tinypic.com/x200p0.jpg[/IMG]
  • Sometimes when you're long distance, and you've only known each other long distance, you just don't get a clear picture of who your significant other is. That's why it's generally not a good idea to be talking marriage until you live closer together and you can spend time with each other on a day-to-day basis. With this trip to meet the family, you've gotten a hint of what life with this guy will be like. Now that you know he is not very independent from his parents and not making them mad or disappointed is more important to him than anything else, you've got a decision to make.

    It sounds like he's really screwed you over with his flip-flop on moving in together right away, and he doesn't stick up for you when his parents imply that you're not good enough for him. I'm not sure why you're upset with his parents for that. He's shown you that you can't rely on him when it really counts. That is something you seriously need to keep in mind when deciding if he's someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life.

    He sounds fairly immature, which is somewhat understandable given his age. Personally, I wouldn't stick around waiting for him to grow up, but if you want to continue the relationship, I think you should take the marriage talk off the table for now and get your own place near him for a few months to a year. That way you can take the time to really get to know each other and work on his issues without you having to depend on someone who has shown that he's unreliable. If he doesn't show any improvement, at least you won't be stuck in a lease with him.

  • First, ditto renegade 100% on everything.  And while I think Travis is a HUGE mama's boy and he's caving in to his dad, at the same time, I think NOT moving in w/ him is actually probably a very good idea.  Get an apartment, live near each other for awhile, and realyl figure out if he's the right guy for you.

    Awards and being captain of the water polo team doesn't mean he's the right guy for you.

    Second, to this:

     His mom gave me the "He has goals chat and don't hold him back" along with "you need to have goals of your own" blah blah blah... in a nutshell - you aren't good enough for my son.

    I'm not saying they have standards and that they feel you don't meet them, BUT, you are putting a LOT of assumption into their words.  Honestly, being young and moving in together after only 6 months - she's right - you do need to have goals of your own. NEITHER of you should hold either of you back.

    Some of this reads like you are insecure about your background and YOU feel that you don't measure up, so you're assuming that's how they'll feel too. 

    You've got to stop reading into what they say.  Again- I'm not saying that you're wrong.  They may not feel you're good enough, but at the same time, I dont' feel it's ALL them. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I think you're internalizing a lot here, you spend two paragraphs talking about your BF and his family's professional/athletic accomplishments. None of this is relevant. Are you secure in your accomplishments? Are you a good person with strong character? Good then, that's all you need to worry about.

    Secondly, his mother didn't "grill" you, unless there's something more to add, she merely stated some concerns about your relationship - which are likely valid since this all seems to be happening rather quickly. She's right, you shouldn't hold him back, and vice-versa. You should have agreed and stated something along those lines.

    His SIL to be and brother sound inconsiderate, sure, but this has nothing to do with the situation either, obviously they were having a bad day, not saying a word to either of you is kind of odd, but did you guys participate in the conversation at all? You have no idea if you can or cannot be friends with these people, you didn't see them at their best and I am NOT laid back and have plenty of friends that are, this doesn't mean there can never be a friendship or at least a civil relationship.

    You settle nothing with the family. You talk to your BF if you're still hell-bent on moving and tell him you're not relocating your entire life for him to change his mind on plans that you both agreed to last minute. If you choose to live separately for a while (perhaps not a bad idea) you put a time limit on the trial and during that time you attempt to form a relationship while living in the same city and dealing with all the day-to-day things that relationships encounter when they're not long-distance. THEN you make a decision regarding the future of this relationship and if you can deal with his Mama-boy tendencies.

    2 IVFs & 1 FET. Welcome home baby girl!
  • image Sloane99:

    Secondly, his mother didn't "grill" you, unless there's something more to add, she merely stated some concerns about your relationship - which are likely valid since this all seems to be happening rather quickly. She's right, you shouldn't hold him back, and vice-versa. You should have agreed and stated something along those lines.

    This. I can understand why they are apprehensive- it's all very fast and they don't know you.  Just give them time. If this is real and you are a good person they will come around eventually.

    Also I think you are better off not living with him.  Moving to a new city is exciting, don't make it all about him.  You will need to find some friends of your own and though this will take some effort you will- through your job, joining meetups, reaching out to friends of friends in the area.  You will need some girlfriends and a space of your own in case, God forbid, it doesn't work out.  I would suggest pushing back your moving date until you can afford to rent your own place.

  • image withlovedani:

     Trav let me know that I'm not "allowed" to live w/ him for a month because he doesn't want to disappoint his dad. meanwhile his gf -Me- has no where to live. W/ the cost of moving I don't have the money or the credit because of a shortsale to get my own apt. w/o working for at least 2 weeks first. 1 month would be ideal. 

    Problem 2: parents don't approve of me. When I discussed w/ Trav he stated it wasn't that they don't approve but they don't like our choices or my past. I can't change that and I don't want it to come down to Trav having to decide me or them. I don't think that's fair???? How should I settle things with the fam?

    This speaks volumes about your BF, and it's not saying anything good.  The two of you may or may not be moving too fast; that's another issue for another post.  The real problem here is that he's acting like a 15-year old boy who needs his parents to tell him how to think and what to do. 

    He's not adult enough to navigate this relationship with you and I suspect that he secretly does not want things to move in the direction they're moving and at the pace they're moving, but instead of being up-front and honest with you, he's letting his parents be the bad guys.

    This guy is an immature douchebag--do yourself a favor and let him go.

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
  • image zelda25:
    image withlovedani:

    This speaks volumes about your BF, and it's not saying anything good.  The two of you may or may not be moving too fast; that's another issue for another post.  The real problem here is that he's acting like a 15-year old boy who needs his parents to tell him how to think and what to do. 

    He's not adult enough to navigate this relationship with you and I suspect that he secretly does not want things to move in the direction they're moving and at the pace they're moving, but instead of being up-front and honest with you, he's letting his parents be the bad guys.

    This guy is an immature douchebag--do yourself a favor and let him go.

    VERY good point!!!
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  • I'm pretty sure that girls who still measure a guy's merit by awards he got in high school are too immature to be in an adult relationship. Stay in Boise. 
  • Why are you imaging that they wouldn't have been rude and snarky with anyone he brought home? Why are you thinking it's you?

    Seriously, you think they would have been warm and inviting if he brought home a pre-med major from Cornell with an acceptance letter from AZ medical school? Nope. They would have been cautioning against too much student loan debt, not rushing into a big relationship, and anything else to pick her apart.

    That's how these people are. They'd do it anyone.  

  • Does Travis have a stable job?  A career?  A means of supporting the two of you while you get your feet under you in your new job in Arizona?

    Because if he's NOT self-supporting -- and the fact that you've said he's still in college leads me to believe that he's not -- his father is well within his rights to say, "No, you can't have your girlfriend move in with you while we're paying your rent, your college tuition, and your living expenses."  His parents have a right not to support you financially.

    If you can't move somewhere without being financially dependent on somebody else for a month or more, you're not in a good financial position to move, because you're living paycheck-to-paycheck.

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • image scherza:

    Does Travis have a stable job?  A career?  A means of supporting the two of you while you get your feet under you in your new job in Arizona?

    Because if he's NOT self-supporting -- and the fact that you've said he's still in college leads me to believe that he's not -- his father is well within his rights to say, "No, you can't have your girlfriend move in with you while we're paying your rent, your college tuition, and your living expenses."  His parents have a right not to support you financially.

    If you can't move somewhere without being financially dependent on somebody else for a month or more, you're not in a good financial position to move, because you're living paycheck-to-paycheck.

    This is exactly what I was thinking. If his parents are footing the bill for his living expenses, then this is more an issue of him not wanting to get completely cut off from them.

    I really don't think his family sounded that hard on you. I think you are insecure in yourself and your life, and that is why you took their concerns so personally.

    I would move out there, get your own apartment (see if you can get roommates so it will be cheaper) and get to know him and his family better.

     

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  • PROCEED WITH CAUTION!! Once a mommy'daddy's boy, always!  I married a man who is also 'close' with his family (read: they try to control his every move and influence his every decision even though he's over 30) and it has been HARD.  If they live another 30 years can you deal with numerous ackward events all year long??  This year due to various circumstances I'm getting a reprieve from the ILs but I don't know what I'll do next year.  You can save yourself a lot of trouble and upset now.
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  • image Cuardraro:
    image scherza:

    Does Travis have a stable job?  A career?  A means of supporting the two of you while you get your feet under you in your new job in Arizona?

    Because if he's NOT self-supporting -- and the fact that you've said he's still in college leads me to believe that he's not -- his father is well within his rights to say, "No, you can't have your girlfriend move in with you while we're paying your rent, your college tuition, and your living expenses."  His parents have a right not to support you financially.

    If you can't move somewhere without being financially dependent on somebody else for a month or more, you're not in a good financial position to move, because you're living paycheck-to-paycheck.

    This is exactly what I was thinking. If his parents are footing the bill for his living expenses, then this is more an issue of him not wanting to get completely cut off from them.

    I really don't think his family sounded that hard on you. I think you are insecure in yourself and your life, and that is why you took their concerns so personally.

    I would move out there, get your own apartment (see if you can get roommates so it will be cheaper) and get to know him and his family better.

    That's a GOOD point. If this is a college kid and his parents are paying his rent, then he's on their dime - not in a position to support you.

    Does he have roommates?

  • Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.  What is this "past" of yours that they're not comfortable with, and how do they know about it?
    image
  • I agree with you that they pretty much said you're not good enough for their "Golden Boy".  I don't think you read too much into anything.  I also think it's interesting that everyone tells you to give them time and understand their position but his family is obviously not affording you the same respect.  They have already judged you/your relationship and even if they're wrong, good luck getting them to come around to admitting that anytime soon.  The real prob here is Travis.  He's breaking an agreement he made with you because  A) in some way, he knows his family is right or  B) if he's not admitting to getting cold feet about the fast pace of your relationship (which is ok) and blaming his father, then he's a classic case of overachiever's syndrome.  You know the type...they pretty much live for the "atta boy"s from mommy and daddy.  If that's it, you need to seriously rethink this relationship.

  • Don't move to AZ. When he is finished with school and taking that year off he can move near you. He sounds like a young peach.
  • Here's the scoop on where he is at. He's worked and toured with Rockstar for 5 years. He is currently working at a law firm. He's financially secure on his own and his parents have absolutely NO financial ties with him. He will be leaving again to tour with them in 3 months. I would like to spend that time close to him before he leaves.

    I am asking to live with him for 2 weeks, at first it was 30 days and I've shortened it to 2 WKS. to find an apartment in a good area or roommates. I haven't been working for 2 months. I had a business that went under during the economy and all my income went towards that to keep it going. In the end it failed and I ended up in debt along with a house that I shortsaled last year. I have been renting an apartment since.  

    I do not want to live in Boise. I don't like it here and there is no work available. I like AZ. My BF happened to introduce me to the area. I've been going there every other weekend for the past 5.5 months. Travis and I are 2 peas in a pod. He is very different from his brother. He did say to me that his parents are "disappointed in him and his choice of who he is dating" I'm not perfect, I do have tattoos and drink but I am a good person. I have morals and values of which his parent obviously didn't see. 

    Again I am not wanting to move in with him and live together. I am simply needing a place to stay so i don't jump the gun and move in with some creep or get locked into a shoddy apt lease due to not knowing the area.

    Trav and I aren't planning on getting married for years and years... We're simply dating and know how we feel about each other. Well i do I guess. From the sound of feedback he doesn't. Before Thanksgiving he was always the one pushing for this and excited about the move. Now that its happening, not so much.  

  • image withlovedani:

    Before Thanksgiving he was always the one pushing for this and excited about the move. Now that its happening, not so much.  

    I think this says a LOT.  And this is why it's GOOD that you don't plan on actually living w/ him.  Seeing each other on weekends really is not the same as being around each other on a regular, daily basis.  It's not.

    Take this relationship slow, and I do hope your moving to Arizona more because you simply want to for YOURSELF and not just for him. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • How old are the two of you?    Your initial post makes it sound like he's around 22 (just finishing undergrad on a wrestling scholarship).     But then you say he's been touring with Rockstar for 5 years.   What is Rockstar?    How can he tour with them while going to school full time?  (Collegiate athletes have to follow pretty strict semester requirements to be considered eligibile for NCAA sports). 

    Why do his parents get any say with whether or not you "visit" him for 2 weeks until you get your first paycheck?   He doesn't have to tell his parents.   It's not like you're moving in....you're visiting him the same way you've been visiting him for the past 5.5 months.   Presumably you don't rent a hotel room every weekend you come visit.    His parents don't need to know.   And if he feels like he HAS to tell them, or he HAS to actually take orders from them, then he's not boyfriend or marriage material at all.     If he's still not willing to risk the wrath of daddy, tell him to pay for your security deposit and first month's rent at your place.   If he's serious about you and really thinks you're his future wife, he should have no problems helping you out.    Then you can pay him back and dump him when you have a steady income a month later. 

    I can understand his parents' perspectives.   6 months is way too soon to move in with someone or to be determined to marry them.    I see why you're moving to AZ.  Frankly, it sounds a helluva lot better than Boise, but it still seems like you're moving too fast.   Also, do you have any desire to better yourself with a real education or a skilled trade?    Is a dental assistant the same thing as a dental hygienist?    Is that what you want to do for the rest of your life?     Maybe you should have goals of your own, rather than just an attitude that you won't really try to better yourself, but eventually will be married to a lawyer who will take care of the two of you financially. 

  • Thanks for clarifying those things. From your original post, I thought you were planning on moving in with him on a more permanent basis; knowing that you just needed a place to stay for a few weeks while you arranged for your own housing makes his flip-flop even more ridiculous. You definitely need to talk to him about his family's unreasonable influence over him now, and let him know that it's a problem that needs to be resolved if this relationship is going to last.

    As far as his parents' attitude toward you and your background goes, it's hard to tell whether you're reading too much into their comments, or if they actually think you're not good enough for their son. Once you move to Phoenix, take the next few weeks/months to feel them out- try to take a step back and look at your interactions with them, and figure out whether you should give them the benefit of the doubt or if there is some genuine ill-will.

  • image donnycornelius:

    Also, do you have any desire to better yourself with a real education or a skilled trade?    Is a dental assistant the same thing as a dental hygienist?    Is that what you want to do for the rest of your life?     Maybe you should have goals of your own, rather than just an attitude that you won't really try to better yourself, but eventually will be married to a lawyer who will take care of the two of you financially. 

     I hope I'm misreading this, because it sounds terribly judgmental!  When did she ever imply that he'd be taking care of her?  It read all along like she intended to stay with him until she could get her own place.  Having said that, I don't think moving in together after 6 months is the way to go, but that opinion wouldn't change whether she were a doctor, dental assistant, or a ditch digger.  If someone is working to make an honest living at whatever career/trade/job, who are you to question them?

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