Family Matters
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Haven't talked to mother in two years...vent..

I will try to cut to the chase since this is a long story...

After my wedding my mother and I began to fight worse than we have ever fought...a little background...she almost didn't come to my wedding, and refused to come to my graduation from college...we always fought about EVERYTHING.

 Anyway, a few months after the wedding I recieved a very long letter asking me not to speak to her. I have respected her wishes...however, since I live in a small town when I see her I say "Hi" and she walks past me... She has even told my close Aunt that if her mother dies she will not attend the funeral because I will be there...WTF.

I have gotten over the fact that she does not want anything to do with me but I hate the holidays...and any other moments that are important. I feel lonely that I do not have a mother ( My father is estrange)...damn it sucks!!! Am I the only one w/out a family? Should I blame myself?

BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Haven't talked to mother in two years...vent..

  • What did you fight about?  What happened to make her feel that strongly?
  • Without any background information it is hard to know what happened here. Was there a defining moment or argument that sealed the deal on your relationship? I can only imagine how lonely it must be without your parents but if your relationship with your mother was toxic enough for you two to be so estranged perhaps you should focus on the family you create not the one you were born into. Focus on the family you have with your DH and close friends. Create your own family life whether it is bound by law and marriage or friendship. If you think it is possible have you tried speaking with your mother since the following out. I am not saying just hello in the grocery store but what about a letter of your own or a phone call to ask if you could have a heart to heart. Maybe you could begin speaking again in family counseling to learn where things went wrong the first time.?
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  • Well, what was the cause of the falling out?

    I have different advice, depending on the circumstances. If, for example, your mother drugged your pets and fixed them for you for dinner, I'd say this is a good thing for you to stay apart. If your mother was a good mother, but you did drugs, let your gang into her house and rob her, and then one of them banged your little sister and knocked her up and then knocked you up before he went to prison, I'd say your mother is right to keep her distance. What's the deal.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • In answer to your question, no, you are not alone.  I also have no family due to a difficult mother.  At least yours came to your wedding, mine didn't come to my grauation, the birth of either of my sons or my wedding. Not only that but she keeps the rest of my family away from me as well.  While I realize it sucks, I know from experience that the alternative is so much worse. The few times I have tried to build bridges Most phone calls end up with me in tears.  That is no way to live.  I agree it is difficult during the holidays but at least Dh and I don't have to worry about which family to spend time with :)  

    Hang in there and embrace the rest of your family. GL  

  • NO, you are not alone.  Sadly, I find more and more people in similar situations.  I do not have a mother by her choosing and thanks to my step-mother, if she keeps it up, I won't have a father either (he hasn't been much of a father to speak of lately anyhow).  I doubt its you - if you are civil and say "hi" and she can't even be polite, she has issues (this is how both my mother and step mother are ... how my father married the same person twice, I don't know...really, it took 3 years before I saw what others did immediately, but he found the same woman, except this one has no maternal instinct at all!).

    I know how lonely it can be...I will be around again, if you need to vent more.

  • DH and his siblings were in the same boat.  They all took different ways of dealing with the issue.  SIL built a relationship with her mom's family (their mom passed away many years ago), and spent holidays with them, and had her cousins as her "family."  I think this was also because her cousins were girls, and she didn't have sisters, and didn't have the closer bond that BIL and DH have).

    DH spends his holidays with my (extended) family and our family (us and kids).  He enjoys the big holiday celebrations.  Also, DH has a lot of friends - I would def say he is closer to some friends than his own family. 

    I would advise you to reach out to people you love.  Maybe family members, maybe friends.  If holidays are lonely, volunteer somewhere, or hold a party or dinner for people who live far from their family or their kids are x-country.  You don't have to focus on a specific DAY, but use holiday season as an excuse to reach out to others (ie: have people over the weekend after Xmas, or the Saturday after Thanksgiving). 

    I think if your mom is that horrid, then you are better off without you in your life.  And SHAME on your aunt for passing the info that your mom won't go to grandma's funeral because you might be there.  It seems to me that although your mom won't SPEAK to you, you definately take a space in her thoughts - she went out of her way to make a hurtful remark. 

    If she can't honor her own mother, AND has problems with her daughter - well, it looks like she is the problem. 

  • Thank you to everyone that replied.

    The background is a build-up of my entire life...

    When my step father moved in, the rule of the house was that we had to work and go to school...I did both, but my step brothers both dropped out of school and did not work. This is when I got labeled as a "prissy" by my family. I was told that I was trying to be better than everyone else.

    Fast forward to 19 yo...my parents told me I had to move out because I was to old - even though my step brother would come and go as they please...My DH and I moved in together. My mother complained that I was not around anymore...I was working 2 jobs to pay for rent. My DH family would invite us over for dinner because they knew we could use a healthy meal :-) My mother got P.O. She thought I wanted to be closer to his parents. Which was not true...I would make a deal if we went over to DH parents, than we would go over to my parents.

    When DH and I decided we had to move, we asked my family if we could move into a cabin that they were not using...they said "no" and they wanted to start using it...DH husband offered us to help buy a house. We accepted. My mother freaked again, saying I want to be closer to his family. Things were smoothed over again....When I had my family over for dinner, my mother called me "spoiled" and my step father made fun of us because we keep our trash under the sink saying "you are to perfect to show that you have garbage in your house"

    Fast forward again...When DH and I were going to get married, my mother got this idea that I did not want her to help in my wedding, and she became more distant. She accused one of my friend's mother of wanting to be my mother. Which was not true...She almost did not come to my wedding.

    I was married in Las Vegas...before we flew out there, we told everyone where we were staying so they can stay there too...My mother decided she did not want to stay in the same hotel. The entire time, she was P.O. The group would run into each other, and she would accuse me of hanging out with everyone but her. I asked her to come to lunch, dinner, even breakfast...but she never showed. During our time in Las Vegas my step father told one of my friend's that he hopes our plane crashes...

    When we got back, I confronted her about what he said. She said I was a liar, and I lie about everthing!! Two days later I got a long letter slamming me, my DH, and his family. And asking me never to talk to her again. Of course I called her. I invited her to my reception that was held a month later...all of her brothers and sisters showed, she did not. She was mad that they all came.

    These are some highlighted point...I could really right a novel... she was a toxic person, and I always felt that no matter what I did was wrong.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Why do you want her in your life again?
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • You don't need her, or the rest of your immediate family in your life. ?You are doing fine without them. ?You shouldn't have to subject yourself to that kind of abuse just to say you have a "family". ?

    It sucks, yes, in the sentimental sense, but in reality? ?Over-rated in your situation.

    Keep your chin up. ?And stop saying 'hi' when you bump into her. ?She has brought this on herself, both through her letter and her actions leading up to that.?

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  • Even if you were on speaking terms with that lady who gave birth to you....you will never have a "mother."  A mother does not call her child prissy for trying to achieve, call her spoiled, and make her daughter's wedding difficult. 

    You might benefit from counseling.  And, although it is written for people who's mother has died, you might try reading "Motherless daughters."  I know there is a chapter that deals with having a toxic mom or a mom who is an alcoholic or mentally ill - you have the same issues that women whos mom died had.

    I would try to separate in your mind "the woman who gave brith to me" from "my mother."  Think of her as a woman in your life, but not one that you need to be close to. 

    My bet is that no matter HOW HARD you try, you will never be "good enough" for your mom.  There will always be something wrong with what you do.  If you get along with your ILS, hang out with them!  Develope a closer relationship to your MIL if you want and that feels right for you.  Despite what your bio-mom says, that's not betrayal.  Or, reach out to cousins (more your own age, your moms siblings may be loyal to her). 

     

  • I am sorry that your "mother" isn't around, but she doesn't sound like much of a mom.

    I would cut all ties with her, you don't need someone that toxic in your life. Your husband's family seems nice and they seem to care about both you and your husband, try and develop that relationship.

    My Mom when through years of abandonment issues with her own mother, who told us we didn't need her and we moved away (only 2 hours) and therefore she didn't have to have much to do with us. My Dad's parents kind of adopted her and she became very close with them. Even though my Grandfather is no longer with us she talks to my Grandmother all the time, calls her mom and really feels that she is her mother too, after all she has taken care of my mom for the past 35 years since my parents married.

    Just because someone is related to you by blood doens't always make them family. People who treat you the way your mom did aren't family. The holidays and special events will always be tough, but make your own family of supportive people who love you and it will be a bit easier to handle.?

  • Ditto SueBear.
  • image SueBear:

    Even if you were on speaking terms with that lady who gave birth to you....you will never have a "mother."  A mother does not call her child prissy for trying to achieve, call her spoiled, and make her daughter's wedding difficult. 

    You might benefit from counseling.  And, although it is written for people who's mother has died, you might try reading "Motherless daughters."  I know there is a chapter that deals with having a toxic mom or a mom who is an alcoholic or mentally ill - you have the same issues that women whos mom died had.

    I would try to separate in your mind "the woman who gave brith to me" from "my mother."  Think of her as a woman in your life, but not one that you need to be close to. 

    My bet is that no matter HOW HARD you try, you will never be "good enough" for your mom.  There will always be something wrong with what you do.  If you get along with your ILS, hang out with them!  Develope a closer relationship to your MIL if you want and that feels right for you.  Despite what your bio-mom says, that's not betrayal.  Or, reach out to cousins (more your own age, your moms siblings may be loyal to her). 

    What Sue_Bear says.

    My situation is somewhat similar.  I had posted on here also and quite a few suggested to talk to someone (Sue_Bear being one of them).  It's helped tremendously to sort things out and get to where I am now.

    I also will never be "good enough."  She will always think that men are better and worth more than women (among a ton of other things), and no matter what I do, I'll never change her mind. But that's my mom.

    You may want to try some counseling. At least it will help you get through things right. There's a lot of feelings tied up in the incidents you described. It might be good to have someone help you sort them up.

    Oh, and btw - there's no shame in going to counseling or having someone help you sort through all your feelings.

    (((*hugs*)))

  • Just because someone gives birth to you, does not automatically make them a "mom" or someone that you should have in your life. I know it's painful because you look around you and see what a lot of other children have with their parents.  I'm sure you want that.  However... your mother (and stepfather) are toxic.  No amount of being able to say you have a relationship with your mother will make them a good presence in your life.

    Just take a look at some of these responses.  You're not alone. 

    I know you just want your mother to change... but she wont.  You are going to have to change around her.  I'm glad to hear that you have wonderful ILs who love you.  That has been my own saving grace in difficult times with my mother--- having fantastic ILs.  Make them your family. 

    Family is not always necessarily blood.  It's your friends, the people who love you unconditionally.  Just try to remember that.

    {{hugs}}

    image
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  • I am so sorry.  I can't understand how you feel, I have wonderful parents.  But my IL's are very similar to what you described.  Some very similar behaviors. 

    I had no idea that parents were capable of treating their children like this.  It has been a rude awakening for me.  My husband has been conditioned to it and thought that much of it was typical and to be ignored.  We haven't seen mother and step-father in almost a year and it has been really sad and diffucult for us. 

    My husband has learned what a family really can be- and has learned how he deserves to be treated, from my parents and siblings.  For the first time in his life he has an opinion and feelings that people are considerate of.  His idea of family was so different than mine. 

    Thanksgiving and Christmas were heart-breaking for us.  He told me that he shed a few tears the week of Thanksgiving when he received a holiday card in the mail, because he knew it meant he would not be hearing from her or seeing her.  (a year ago our relationship was left as her responsibility- he asked her to make amends for some things she had done and said to me, and that he didn't want to talk to her until she was able/ready to do that).

    It is a long hard road- and it is sad.  Our holidays were all very bittersweet.  We had a fabulous time with my side, but didn't hear from his mother.  We went to his dad's family dinner on Christmas day and DH's siblings showed up (first time they have gone to a holiday dinner on their dad's side in years) BIL and SIL ignored us the entire time- neither one said a word to DH or I.  Needless to say MIL has been doing everything in her power to turn them against my husband, or me.  (I know I jumped to a conclusion there, but it seems pretto obvious)

    I think that PP's are correct.  The sadness from not seeing them is much better than the disappointment and hurt feelings caused from being with them.  I'm so sorry.  I don't understand completely, but I can empathize a little bit.  I have learned the hard way that my MIL will never change- and "normal" communication and relationship skills do not apply.  I cannot help her understand how out of line her behavior is, but I also do not have to tolerate it.  This has all given me a much greater appreciation for my family.  I'm lucky.  Embrace your sweet husband's family.

  • Honey, stop expecting her to give what she just can't give.  It sucks, but even more sucky to continually put yourself through her drama when the result will never change.
  • I cried reading your post. I've lost both my parents (mom to Cancer 10yrs ago and my dad 3days before this past Christmas). My mother and I were close, but not extremely close. I CAN NOT for the life of me imagine a parent telling their child to never speak to them again (why - not going to ask because to me it doesn't matter).

    You must feel so alone and my heart goes out to you. Families do detach, but you can still detach with love. We can also separate ourselves from their issues, but this is just too much. Children need our parents love. As long as you love yourself and find a balance - all will be well. Peace.

  • Your mother has SERIOUS problems and SHE needs help! it is NOT YOU! it must hurt, it must hurt a lot! but they have treated you poorly for so long....i think you need to seek couseling to help you move on with your life....be thankful you have a wonderful dh and it seems as if his family is "normal" - be thankful you have them, because they are family! and they treat your right - sometimes no matter what we do or say or want, we just have to really see the true picture and be honest with ourselves and just move on.....but seeking help will help you to move on and realize it is not you, but them! i am sure!! XOXOXO good luck <> HUGS
  • Your story is so similiar to mine it is scary.  Only difference is my mom was with a woman instead of a man after my dad.  I also got married in Vegas, but it was so I didnt have to deal with her drama.  I invited our closest 20 friends and family instead.  My mom is toxic and I believe mentally ill.  Her and her partner criticized every little think with us kids.  We were never good enough and as a teenager all I wanted was my mom to accept me.  As I got older I realized it never was gonna happen.  The daily stress and drama they caused was physically making me ill and sick.  I cut off contact after they did horrible things to my little brother and sister.  I have not talked to her in 4 years.  It is the best decision I have ever made.  I put myself and Dh first and let her go.  I miss having a mother sometimes but I love my Mil and step mom.  I know it is horribly hard but you have to think life is too short to have people around who bring you nothing but pain and anxiety.  Message me if you want to talk more.  Thank goodness for the nest.  I have met so many woman in the same boat as us.  You have to do what is best for you and no one else.
    image
  • There are 2 types of families: the family you're born too and the family oyu choose.

    Just because your mom has issues doesn't mean you have to be without a family.  Maybe it's a good time to get close to ILs.  Or other couples that have issues with their parents- you can be each other's family.

  • I can completely relate to your post.  I dealt with the stress & anxiety for years before finally deciding to seek out counseling.  I can't tell you how much it has helped so far.  I consider myself to be pretty self-aware & reflective, but I had never considered how much the "poison" my mom put in me all that time affected every area of my life.  Be strong- you don't need someone this toxic in your life & you can get over this. 

  • Hey, it is me again, the person who put this post up.

    It was painful to read this post again.

    My mother and I do not speak still. I am planning to start having a family real soon. Sometimes I feel bad that my mother wont be a part of there life. However, I have a lady that had pretty much adopted me as her grandchild. I wish the same for my kids. Family does not have to be blood. They just need to want to give, and recieve love.

     Not that sad anymore. I have found people who love me & my DH.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • It's good that you have found a new support system.

    It must suck to have your mom do this, but I think she did you a favor. She sounds toxic, as does your stepdad. Have you ever gone to therapy? I'd think it would help deal with the feelings that may surface when you have kids.

    Good luck with starting a family. Sounds like you are in a good place.

    ETA: I don't remember the original thread, but when I started reading this one, and realized it was over a year old, I got a little PO'd. Then I noticed it was bumped by the OP, and felt like a bit of a douche.

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