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over-analyzer

I'm almost hesitant to post, but I think I need some advice.  I've been with my bf (boyfriend and best friend) for almost three years.  Over the past 6 months, we've been talking about getting engaged, buying a house etc.  I feel like both of us knew we were right for each other right away.  Almost immediately into our relationship, we started saving money together for a down payment. We went through some pretty tough stuff together and we've always been there to support each other.  We've evolved into something that I really trust over the past three years. I'm just not sure what is going on with me over the past 2 months!

I can think of a million things that I love about him, but over the past couple months - out of the blue, I just keep focusing on the negatives and blowing them wayyy out of proportion.  They aren't even negatives now that I'm actually typing it.  For example - I'm almost embarrassed - I had to grab an outfit in Babies R Us for a baby shower last week and he immediately went to the electronics section to look at some games.  I was upset the entire car ride home over a "what if"...what if he goes to the electronic section when I'm pregnant and I have to do all of that stuff by myself - pick out strollers, clothes, cribs etc?  Please don't laugh - I'm aware I sound like a nut.

 The week before that - I cooked a fabulous dinner (it actually tasted amazing lol) and got completely upset when he didn't get up to help with the dishes.  I'm all for doing things together like cooking together, cleaning up together, having fun while doing it etc.  He does dishes and cooks a lot!  I started a huge fight because (embarrassed again - please don't laugh) he is going to make me cook and do the dishes for my entire life and he's just going to sit there while I slave away in the kitchen.

 I know I love him - he can make me hysterically laugh if were in a fight - I know that when were together and when we talk about things, everything always turns out OK - so what am I doing??!!

 

Re: over-analyzer

  • Are you in general an anxious sort of person?
    image
  • well, you could speak up for yourself at the time (and only at the time).  i mean, it's weird that you are focusing on these things, b/c they are not a big deal.

    you could just say, hey BF, can you help with the dishes? 

    maybe he isn't in tune with you b./c you don't communicate. in the example of the dishes, you just did them alone....so, how is he supposed to know that you are bothered?

     

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  • You're being crazy.  How long have you been together?  I think there does come a point in every relationship where you get past the puppy love stage and 'He/She can do nothing wrong!  I love them so!' and things do start to irk you.  Where you run in to trouble is when you explode and blow stuff out of proportion instead of talking things out and learning about the other person.

    EDIT: NM, I found how long you've been together.  Less yelling and stewing, more open communication. 

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  • Is there some outside event that is causing you to questions things? For example, a long-time married couple you know just announced they are divorcing or a cousin complained about her husband never helping with her baby?  Sometimes these sorts of things make me look at my relationship differently.

    As for the store/baby shopping, you could ask him that straight up: "I know this sounds silly, but when we have kids, will you go pick out baby stuff with me?" Let it develop into an indepth conversation about child care and how you both imagine handling those responsibilities.  Some people don't get goo-goo over baby stuff until they have their own. Some people want to never change a diaper (not someone I would have children with). Have you had those sorts of detail conversations?

    As for the dishes, what was the fight about exactly? You mention that he typically washes dishes & cooks, so what was his response to your charges?  Has he been slacking off lately? Is it due to a valid reason, like major job stress or health or such?

     

  • image jennanicole612:

     I had to grab an outfit in Babies R Us for a baby shower last week and he immediately went to the electronics section to look at some games.  I was upset the entire car ride home over a "what if"...what if he goes to the electronic section when I'm pregnant and I have to do all of that stuff by myself - pick out strollers, clothes, cribs etc?  Please don't laugh - I'm aware I sound like a nut.

     The week before that - I cooked a fabulous dinner (it actually tasted amazing lol) and got completely upset when he didn't get up to help with the dishes.  I'm all for doing things together like cooking together, cleaning up together, having fun while doing it etc.  He does dishes and cooks a lot!  I started a huge fight because (embarrassed again - please don't laugh) he is going to make me cook and do the dishes for my entire life and he's just going to sit there while I slave away in the kitchen.

    Are these single incidents or are they part of a larger pattern? For example, does he often leave you do to things by yourself? It doesn't sound like it if he does his fair share of cooking and dishes. Have you spoken to him about these worries you have? It might help to have a conversation about the fear/anxiety you are having about the future.

  • Haha - stewing.  That's a good word.  I know - I'm being completely crazy and no, I'm not really an anxious person.  I think I need to put a sticky note on the fridge that says "open communication".
  • Yes!  Everyone I know is either just married and complaining or getting divorced.  It's really upsetting because I don't want that to be me.  He's a very funny person and he uses humor a lot so sometimes I don't really get a straight answer when I ask those questions.  I guess it's all in the approach.. thanks for that!

  • image BunMom90:

    Is there some outside event that is causing you to questions things? For example, a long-time married couple you know just announced they are divorcing or a cousin complained about her husband never helping with her baby?  Sometimes these sorts of things make me look at my relationship differently.

    As for the store/baby shopping, you could ask him that straight up: "I know this sounds silly, but when we have kids, will you go pick out baby stuff with me?" Let it develop into an indepth conversation about child care and how you both imagine handling those responsibilities.  Some people don't get goo-goo over baby stuff until they have their own. Some people want to never change a diaper (not someone I would have children with). Have you had those sorts of detail conversations?

    As for the dishes, what was the fight about exactly? You mention that he typically washes dishes & cooks, so what was his response to your charges?  Has he been slacking off lately? Is it due to a valid reason, like major job stress or health or such?

     

    Yes this. I have a hard time understanding why these instances you described led to stewing or fights, when you had not even talked to him about what was going on. They were opportunities to communicate and explore issues (i.e. both of your expectations and hopes regarding parenthood, sharing the chores, etc). Share with him your fears and anxieties, etc. You and he are not ALWAYS going to be totally in sync 100% of the time - you ARE different people....and this is why communication is key, or else resentments will grow. You cannot expect each other to be mind readers.
  • If a little thing bothers you I would just make it known. Tell him that even though you felt silly mentioning it, sometimes you need him to keep you company in a store. Or sometimes you need him to help clear the dishes- this way at least it will be on his mind next time. But I would be very careful because it sounds like you are expecting a LOT of this guy. The electronics department is home to many good husbands.
  • image jennanicole612:

    Yes!  Everyone I know is either just married and complaining or getting divorced.  It's really upsetting because I don't want that to be me.  He's a very funny person and he uses humor a lot so sometimes I don't really get a straight answer when I ask those questions.  I guess it's all in the approach.. thanks for that!

    When he gives a funny answer, tell him, "I need a  serious answer, not a joke please." Also, some people are being truthful when they are being "funny" -- "You'lll never catch me changing a diaper!ha ha" really means, "Don't rely on me for the messy stuff."

    Hearing about others' marital woes, especially if there are several clustered together, can really make you rethink your own relationship. Betty & Bob seemed so perfect, what happened?!?! The reality is, you don't really know what happens inside another relationship, you only know your own. So, evaluate your own relationship on it's merits. Does it work for you?

    Also, my H and I both believe any marriage can fail and even the most suited couples can divorce. A relationship needs routine maintenance (date nights, compliments, helping each other, sex) or it will grow stagnant. So we both put effort into maintaining our marriage because we don't want it to happen to us.

  • I'll remind you that analyze has the word "anal" in it.

    In all seriousness, you may want to check these feelings and keep a diary of them.  You seem like you really adore your boyfriend and find your feelings irrational. It could be hormones, it could be anxiety, it might even be ocd. Just keep tabs on how your feelings fluctuate.

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  • image BunMom90:
    image jennanicole612:

    Yes!  Everyone I know is either just married and complaining or getting divorced.  It's really upsetting because I don't want that to be me.  He's a very funny person and he uses humor a lot so sometimes I don't really get a straight answer when I ask those questions.  I guess it's all in the approach.. thanks for that!

    Also, my H and I both believe any marriage can fail and even the most suited couples can divorce. A relationship needs routine maintenance (date nights, compliments, helping each other, sex) or it will grow stagnant. So we both put effort into maintaining our marriage because we don't want it to happen to us.

     OP, it sounds like you are looking for something to complain about because everyone you know is and you want to feel a part of the group.

    100% agree with Bun.  You can't just sit back a watch a relationship grow, or some cases, fail.  All relationships take work, evaluation, and tweeking.


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  • you're sabotaging your relationship. stop it already. learn to control yourself.

     

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  • Any chance you recently changed Birth Control Methods?  This sounds like when I switched to the Pill and became completely irrational for 2 months.  I got over it, and could easily recognize the irrationality, but it didn't stop the compulsion. 
  • I would listen to your gut.

    Perhaps you are questioning the relationship.  That is ok.  Sometimes we can be involved with great people but they aren't the right one for us.  Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them, they just aren't a good match for us.  You may just want out -- breakups don't have to be about "Oh he is such a bad person!" sometimes it is about us not being ready for the next step or the fit isn't quite right.  Like a puzzle piece that looks like it should fit but when you try to push it into place, it just doesn't work.

    Take some time, get a little therapy and try talking this over with a professional.  Not your girlfriends or your family, but someone who is objective and can help you clarify what you are feeling. 

  • i feel sorry for your boyfriend.
    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/29az2ps.jpg[/IMG]
  • The reality is, a lot of guys just don't care about picking out baby clothes (especially for someone else's child). Or doing the dishes. Or picking out flowers/music/etc. for a wedding. Don't make these little things such a big deal. And communication is key. If you really wanted him to help with the dishes you should have asked him.

    My husband HATES dishes. He'll load the dishwasher - but half the time he puts them in any which way and since I'm all for making as much room as possible I usually reorganize them anyhow. But doing them by hand?  HELL no!!  He says I'll never have to mow lawn or take trash out if he never has to wash dishes.  But he will clear the table and do them without complaining when I'm sick.  Smile 

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  • image boat*drinks:
    Any chance you recently changed Birth Control Methods?  This sounds like when I switched to the Pill and became completely irrational for 2 months.  I got over it, and could easily recognize the irrationality, but it didn't stop the compulsion. 

    I was going to suggest this too, because it also happened to me.  BCP, stress, or is it possible you're pregnant and your hormones are going wonky?

  • I'm wondering if you're having little anxiety episodes.   Not serious ones, but little minor ones.

    I have dealt with anxiety somewhat.   Especially after having a baby.   One time, I freaked myself out and was in a funk for a few hours because I started thinking about coyotes running away with my baby.    Seriously.    I seriously contemplated the scenario that somehow a pack of coyotes would have access to my unattended infant and run away and eat him.    (I had just read a national news article about a hiker killed by coyotes that were some coyote-wolf mixture and also a local news article that coyotes have been spotted in the area, so that's why).     And even though you're thinking rationally that it won't happen, it is still hard to let go of that fear/feeling/panic. 

    In your case, I would just think of dozens of instances that provde your BF would not act like in the future.   If you think he won't help do dishes, think of all the times he has done the dishes.     And of course a man who doesn't have a child will not sit there and ew and aw over baby clothes.    But he'll participate when it's his.    Just remind yourself of all this whenever you have one of those crazy thoughts.   It really does help.

  • image jennanicole612:

    Yes!  Everyone I know is either just married and complaining or getting divorced.  It's really upsetting because I don't want that to be me.  He's a very funny person and he uses humor a lot so sometimes I don't really get a straight answer when I ask those questions.  I guess it's all in the approach.. thanks for that!

    I don't want to sound like Negative Nancy, but this could reach deeper than just "being a funny person."  Aside from the "There is truth in jest" idea, he may also be using humor to avoid having to think about those kinds of things.  He laughs it off that you're upset that he doesn't look at baby clothes; that means he never has to give you a straight answer, therefore he never has to make a decision about his own future with you.  For instance, if you want kids someday and have made that decision clear to him (it seems so based on your OP about looking at baby clothes together someday), him making a joke of it and "lightening the mood" could really be his way of saying that he either doesn't share your enthusiasm or hasn't thought that far ahead (or doesn't want to).  It *could* be a red flag.

    On the other hand, he may have thought that while you were picking up something that in no way related to him (baby clothes for your friend's shower), he might as well kill time.  If I'm shopping in some Women's Fashion Megastore, and there is an Electronics Megastore right next to it, my husband will always go next door unless I specifically ask him to stay for his opinion.  He generally will stay if I ask, as long as I don't make him stand there and compare every single pair of black trousers in the shop.  So it could have just been a legitimate breakdown in communication and the humor is his way of not letting HIMSELF freak out that you're being outrageous out of nowhere (from his perspective, that is).

    And as for seeing other marriages break down, try not to compare your insides and feelings with everyone else's outsides so to speak.  Just because another couple puts on a good show does not mean everything was truly perfect.

    The first step when it comes to problems like these is the self-awareness that your behavior is causing an issue, and you have that in spades.  I am confident once you start asking for what you want, you will start to feel a lot more happy and relaxed about everything. :)  Good luck honey! x

  • The few times my boyfriend and I have had a blowout (over stupid stuff mind you) he always stops me and asks me "When you look back at this moment five years from now is it really going to matter?" I have had some of the same worries you have had too but I have to stop myself and think to myself that i'm getting way ahead of myself. In my honest opinion here is what i really think...You said that you can name a bout a million things that you love about him and I honestly think that maybe you see this as too "perfect" and by perfect I mean everything you have ever wanted out of a man and relationship and that maybe you feel like it can be at times too good to be true so you try to find something that is wrong when really there isnt. Its great that you have an amazing man and that you guys are in loveand both realized that you were right for each other from the beginning, so just be thankful that you're one of the lucky ones. Take each day at a time and when you feel a fight coming on try to think if that situation is real or maybe you are making something out of nothing that has even happened. We can let our minds wander quite a bit at times just relax and remember what an awesome pair you are and how blessed you are.

  • I know where you're coming from in a basic sense.  I over analyze a lot of things my husband does or says. But almost every time I get suspicious or something I get embarrassed b/c I'm totally wrong.

    Here's an example: About a week ago he got a phone call after I went to bed early. We usually go to bed at the same time, but I had to get up super early so I went first. I heard him talking on the phone and made an irrational assumption. 

    He is a store manager and works with a girl he dated early in high school. From a rational perspective, it is nothing to worry about. She isn't a threat at all. She is in her own relationship with another guy and has been for a long time. I mean, they were fifteen or sixteen when they dated! Anyways, I get insecure sometimes b/c she's a lot tinier than I am, even though he tells me I'm beautiful every day. It really bothers him that I feel uncomfortable with them working together sometimes. They don't even work together very much. Maybe one or two days a week for a couple hours.

     That was kind of a long story :) but you're not the only one who struggles with that.  I'm also the kitchen queen while he doesn't do any of the house stuff like you mentioned. That's just the way we are and we're happy that way. But if he forgets to tell you how much he appreciates it you really should remind him. 

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