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nagging about chores <vent>

MH has very little he's responsible for around the house.  really.  I cook (when we do, which isn't often), I wash dishes, I put away dishes, I do laundry.  He sometimes helps fold laundry - maybe 33% of the time.  I deal with the yard (and no, it's not a hobby of mine, i don't enjoy it). 

The only job that is his is to take out the trash/recycling/compost.  Everything gets picked up at 7:30am Tuesday morning.  This is the second week in a row that he didn't take anything out.  Granted, last week was b/c I went ahead and took care of it Monday night (b/c he had forgotten to take it out Tuesday morning the previous week).  This week, I reminded him Sunday night we need to take the trash out.  I reminded him last night we need to take the trash out, before pick-up this morning.  I wake up at 7, he's already left for work, trash is still sitting in the kitchen.  So i take it out.

Okay, really not a big deal, b/c it took all of about 2.5 minutes, but still, i was annoyed.  sigh.

any tips on how to get him to take out the trash?  Maybe ask him to do it every Monday night instead of waiting until Tuesday morning?  other ideas?  it's such a little thing that I'm asking for!

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Re: nagging about chores <vent>

  • that's a bummer - sorry to hear :(

    i would say ask him on monday nights, a little before bed, to take out the trash. then there's no forgetting during the morning rush :)

  • Ugh.  You're a better woman than me.  You seem to being doing about 95% of the household chores.  There's no way I could do that! We're more 50-50...or really, 100-100!  That said, I have found that nagging doesn't work.  Neither does "gentle reminders" which, IMHO, is like nagging in a nice tone.  What DOES work for me is to thank DH whenever he does something...like take out the trash, cook, do yardwork.  I show my appreciation in actions and words and wonders of wonders it seems to motivate him to keep doing more!

    What I would not do is continue to take out the trash.  Even if it is only 2.5 minutes of your time and effort...as long as you continue to do it, he won't have to remember to do it.  So....let it sit there...and when it becomes a PITA because it didn't get takenout on time that should serve as a great reminder to him...and you won't have to nag or "remind" him yourself. Yes, it will suck to have overflowing trash bins, BUT hopefully it'll only have to happen once and he'll get the picture!

    With a LO on the way, it might be time for you two to sit down and review all that is required to keep your household running and the division of labor between you.  That would be a way to "remind" him to take out the trash and also reallocate the work load so that you're no longer doing the majority of it...or at least you can delegate the yardwork to him since it sounds like you don't enjoy it at all. By hashing it out as a "let's get ready for baby" the two of you can work together to come up with a gameplan that you both agree to...you can even spend sometime writing everything down, since I think many times hubby's don't always realize all that we're actually doing to keep the household running smoothly. 

    We did this before Libby was born and I was glad.  We used to pay our bills together and then decided it would be easier for J to take that over once Libby arrived.  We share the laundry...he'll make sure it gets washed and dried (including diapers now) and I'll fold it and put it all away.  Since he the cooking, I the dishes and kitchen clean-up.  He does the yardwork and I do the dusting/vaccuming (which is no small feat with two pug dogs that shed like CRAZY). My mom cleans the bathroom because she likes to do it "her" way...which is fine by us! Long story short, you have to find something that works for all of you...no nagging involved!

  • Boo D:

    Sorry to hear! You sure do a lot around the house. MH and I established before we got married that I will absolutely NOT do trash (unless of course, he couldn't) and he would do the majority of the yard work (i hate bugs!!).

    Of course, I do a lot of other things around the house that he doesn't so it works out. Do you guys have a dog? My hubby always takes out the trash the night before when he goes out to walk the dog.

    Maybe add it to his calendar? Or set an weekly alarm on his phone for it?? Sounds silly but it COULD work!

  • Tell him the next time you find trash in the kitchen on Tuesday morning, he'll find it in his car Tuesday evening.

    Obviously, I'm kidding!  I think your idea to start asking him to take it out Monday night is a good one.  Try to ask him when he's not already doing something, like right after dinner before he gets into a project or TV show.  "Can you help me carry this dishes to the sink, and while we're at it, go ahead and run the trash out?".

    MH is kinda like yours - he takes care of a lot of day-to-day stuff but doesn't do much in the kitchen.  I've finally accepted that if I want help with dishes, I have to TELL him to help me.  If I don't say something, I'm on my own.  Sounds like you'll have to use the same philosophy with the trash.  Bummer!  It sucks to feel like a nag, but they're not leaving us with much of a choice. Stick out tongue

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  • image Married2MrWright:

    ...What DOES work for me is to thank DH whenever he does something...like take out the trash, cook, do yardwork.  I show my appreciation in actions and words and wonders of wonders it seems to motivate him to keep doing more!

    I totally agree - if I say "Thank you, I really appreciate you taking care of that.", MH is much more likely to continue doing stuff (other than dishes) without my asking.  I also noticed that he picked up the phrase and sometimes says it to me, so his subconscious must be responding to it somehow!

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  • I'm unemployed right now so 100% of the housework ends up falling on me.  It's driving me crazy!!  MH does what he can, but I'd say it's like 10-90!

    MH is someone who loves being praised and thanked so I agree with Lori - thank him when he does it!

  • image Married2MrWright:

    What I would not do is continue to take out the trash.  Even if it is only 2.5 minutes of your time and effort...as long as you continue to do it, he won't have to remember to do it.  So....let it sit there...and when it becomes a PITA because it didn't get takenout on time that should serve as a great reminder to him...and you won't have to nag or "remind" him yourself. Yes, it will suck to have overflowing trash bins, BUT hopefully it'll only have to happen once and he'll get the picture!

    This is what I would do, just let it sit!  I do most of the inside work like laundry, dusting, bathrooms, etc and MH does all the outside work.  He does most of the cooking, but I do the cleaning up of the kitchen.  Our deal is whoever cooks, the other person has to clean.  Whoever takes out the trash, the other puts a new trashbag in the can or bring in the outside trash bin at the end of the day. 

    I'm not saying it's the way it should go, but it's a system that works for us and saves a lot of arguing and resentment.

    Good luck hon, let us know what you decide and how it works out!

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  • image mrsdarling:

    Tell him the next time you find trash in the kitchen on Tuesday morning, he'll find it in his car Tuesday evening.

    This cracks me up!!

    All jokes aside though, I would have a sit down before your LO gets here... Once a LO is involved all the responsibilities tend to shift a bit, especially if you are nursing!

    At our house it's pretty 50-50. He does most of the outside stuff (ok 95%) and then the inside stuff gets split. We both do laundry, change diapers, clean up after meals, do dishes. I tend to do more of the "deep" cleaning likes tubs, toilets, dusting, vacuuming, etc.I would chat about it now though because if you keep having to do it then you'll only build up the anger and frustration AND he'll continue to expect it... 

  • We were watching Jon Reap on Comedy Central and he had this bit about how his wife gets him to do stuff...she says "Didn't you wanna ______?"  So the other day I did that to Brady - "Didn't you wanna clean the toilets?"  LOL.  It worked!  
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  • Thanks ladies.  I definitely agree we need to discuss in the context of the baby coming.  We have a housecleaner and will probably end up hiring a landscaper to come maintain the yard regularly.  That still leaves laundry and dishes.  Problem is, MH *hates* doing dishes (and my tolerance for dirty dishes in the sink is much lower than his), and I don't want him doing my laundry b/c he'll shrink stuff or turn it all gray Stick out tongue  Maybe he can do baby laundry, but I'm the one who's going to be home for the first 4+ months. sigh.  We have a lot of learning/figuring out to do, to determine what works for us.

    Maybe we start using the dishwasher more (we handwash right now), and then figure out the laundry and baby laundry situation.  Definitely food for thought...

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  • image SanHawaii08:

    I don't want him doing my laundry b/c he'll shrink stuff or turn it all gray Stick out tongue 

    Hah, me too! Once I found a dry-clean only skirt in the dryer after he was done with laundry and I freaked out. Granted, I really appreciated him doing the laundry, but eek!

    Baby laundry is easy cuz everything is generally light colors and goes in warm wash. Hopefully no messing up there! And even if colors bleed, it's not a big deal unless it's a special occasion outfit or something...

    We definitely use the dishwasher--it's the only reason why MH is willing to do dishes. So he's 100% dishes duty + putting them away. He also takes out the trash. Like pp, I find it easiest to remind him before he starts to wind down for bed the night before, so it doesn't get forgotten in the morning. I actually have it in our shared Google calendar (with a pop-up reminder that shows up in our Droids).

    Sept 2008 Wedding | May 2010 & Mar 2012 Babies
  • image sanae78:
    We were watching Jon Reap on Comedy Central and he had this bit about how his wife gets him to do stuff...she says "Didn't you wanna ______?"  So the other day I did that to Brady - "Didn't you wanna clean the toilets?"  LOL.  It worked!  

    haha, i haven't seen that bit, but i do this too sometimes!  and yes, it does work, haha.

    and i do the positive reinforcement thing too.  we even joke about it, because it was a huge article in the nyt years ago - linky - i think it became the most-emailed/read article of 2006.  i'll have to do it more with these little things, thanks for the reminder Smile

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  • Grrrr! Just reading this has me worked up, because I have the same issues!! Hubbers only real chores is to take out the trash, clean HIS bathroom (which he cuts his hair in, so there is always hair everywhere) and put his clothes away (I wash and fold them, he just needs to put them in his drawers). And I still have to nag him. :oP  If you find some miracule cure for this, puuuulease let me know!
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