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SIL invited everyone but us to our 6 year old Nieces B-Day

Needless to say, It is up to my husband to talk to her about it (which he won't to keep the peace)  but that crossed the line for me and I will no longer let her in my life. Worst part was that it hurt a lot. I don't wish anyone to be in that position.

Re: SIL invited everyone but us to our 6 year old Nieces B-Day

  • when you say everyone but you...are you talking parents and sil's other siblings? or are you talking all of her friends?
  • how did she invite them?  Is there a chance your's got lost? 

    I think it's ridiculous to not talk to them to 'keep the peace' when it's obvious no peace is going to be kept. 

    it doesn't have to be a production.  All he needs to say is "hey, sis, I heard you're having a party for neice.  We never got an invitation - I was just wondering what's up.  is it an oversight or is there some reason?". 

    To wage a family war over this (not letting her in  your life is exactly this and, again, NOT keeping peace) is ridiculous w/o making at attempt to find out the reason.  It could seriously be a stupid oversight on her part. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Good for you, what are you going to do not to let her be part of your life? What happens when H says he wants to do somethign and include her?


  • It's no up to anyone to talk to anyone about who they invite to their child's party.
  • Sorry, let me clarify - This was a family dinner with all the uncle's/aunts and grandparents. No friends.

     My MIL mentioned it to us which is how we found out. (oopsie on her part perhaps?)

     If husband wants to hang out with his sister, I have drawn a clear line that I have no problem with that but I will not join him.

    Yes, you are all correct in that in could be an oversight but I have heard through the family grapevine that she feels that because we don't oggle over her three kids, we don't care about them. This is far from the truth.

  • image Rachel1422:

    Sorry, let me clarify - This was a family dinner with all the uncle's/aunts and grandparents. No friends.

     My MIL mentioned it to us which is how we found out. (oopsie on her part perhaps?)

     If husband wants to hang out with his sister, I have drawn a clear line that I have no problem with that but I will not join him.

    Yes, you are all correct in that in could be an oversight but I have heard through the family grapevine that she feels that because we don't oggle over her three kids, we don't care about them. This is far from the truth.

    Thanks for the information.  Still - I think it's ridiculous for your DH not to talk to her.  Your "clear line" needs to include "I dont' want this to be a divisive issue, but we need to understand what's going on.  You need to talk to her.".

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image Rachel1422:
    )  but that crossed the line for me and I will no longer let her in my life. Worst part was that it hurt a lot. I don't wish anyone to be in that position.

    but you are wishing that she be in that position by "no longer letting her in your life"

  • image Rachel1422:
    )  but that crossed the line for me and I will no longer let her in my life. Worst part was that it hurt a lot. I don't wish anyone to be in that position.

    but you are wishing that she be in that position by "no longer letting her in your life"

  • image EastCoastBride:
    Thanks for the information.  Still - I think it's ridiculous for your DH not to talk to her.  Your "clear line" needs to include "I dont' want this to be a divisive issue, but we need to understand what's going on.  You need to talk to her.".

     

    Thank you EastCoastBride for this feedback.I appreciate the guidance to a sensitive issue within our family.

  • image Rachel1422:

    Sorry, let me clarify - This was a family dinner with all the uncle's/aunts and grandparents. No friends.

     My MIL mentioned it to us which is how we found out. (oopsie on her part perhaps?)

     If husband wants to hang out with his sister, I have drawn a clear line that I have no problem with that but I will not join him.

    Yes, you are all correct in that in could be an oversight but I have heard through the family grapevine that she feels that because we don't oggle over her three kids, we don't care about them. This is far from the truth.

    In this case I definitely would not cut her out. I'd talk to her (or get H too).  "hey sis, MIL says that you're having a dinner for kids bday, we didn't get an invite, what's up with that?"

  • In thinking about this more, as this actually is affecting you greatly, I think YOU can talk to her yourself.  But if you do, you have GOT to let go of the anger.  you have to approach her from a point of concern, of being confused.  And you can be honest - tell her you and DH were upset to not be invited.  If there is a problem, you wish she would talk to you all directly, and that this has upset you enough that your gut reaction is to have nothing to do w/ her. BUT- as she's family and she and her family are important to you, you wanted to talk to her about this. 

    Then see what she says.  If the grapevine is correct and this is about you all not gushing over her kdis, stay calm and come up w/ a simple, to the point response.  Something like "I'm sorry to hear that.  that's absolutely not the case at all. We adore your kids.  We may not display it the way you want, but we do adore them.". 

    Have a conversation w/ her, not a confrontation.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I'm not sure how you plan on achieving your goals of cutting out SIL, but it seems to me that she is looking for drama, and you are giving it to her. 

    Directly excluding you is either a passive-aggressive move - knowing your H will never say anything to her, but she's CLEARLY sent a message to you about how you are not performing up to expectations. 

    OR, she is trying to start a confrontation, which your "she's out of my life" stance will accomplish.

    Are you going to just not visit her?  Or avoid her at all family functions?  Not see MIL on Mother's Day b/c SIL might be there? 

    I'm not telling you what to do, just trying to give you something to think about. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • image Rachel1422:
    Needless to say, It is up to my husband to talk to her about it (which he won't to keep the peace)  but that crossed the line for me and I will no longer let her in my life. Worst part was that it hurt a lot. I don't wish anyone to be in that position.

    HUSBAND PROBLEM.

    Not a SIL problem.

    Sorry you married a wuss.

  • If he doesn?t stand up for you now ? he never will.

  • Send a birthday card or something to your niece in the meantime, just to say sorry you couldn't be there for her family dinner but wanted to wish her a happy birthday.
  • I'm all for having DH handle issues within his family, but I think I'd approach her yourself about this one.

    Non-confrontationally, I'd say "Hey SIL, we're really disappointed we weren't included in niece's birthday party.    Is there a reason why you didn't want us there?    Because I want to make sure that niece knows we love her and want to be a part of her life."

    Or something like that.   If she didn't invite you to be petty, that's cruel to her children, who don't understand why Aunt and Uncle Rachel didn't want to be at her birthday party.   

  • DH and I had to not invite his brother and wife to bday parties so they would finally get it that we did not want them to be in our or our children's lives. We were not looking for drama, actually were looking for less by cutting them out. I'm not saying that's the case here but people don't just not invite family for no good reason.
  • image EastCoastBride:

    In thinking about this more, as this actually is affecting you greatly, I think YOU can talk to her yourself.  But if you do, you have GOT to let go of the anger.  you have to approach her from a point of concern, of being confused.  And you can be honest - tell her you and DH were upset to not be invited.  If there is a problem, you wish she would talk to you all directly, and that this has upset you enough that your gut reaction is to have nothing to do w/ her. BUT- as she's family and she and her family are important to you, you wanted to talk to her about this. 

    Then see what she says.  If the grapevine is correct and this is about you all not gushing over her kdis, stay calm and come up w/ a simple, to the point response.  Something like "I'm sorry to hear that.  that's absolutely not the case at all. We adore your kids.  We may not display it the way you want, but we do adore them.". 

    Have a conversation w/ her, not a confrontation.

    This is what I'm thinking too. 

  • Making a big stink out of this by cutting her out of your life is probably just what she wants you to do.

    She made her point by excluding you from the party; now you're going to escalate by cutting her out of your life; what do you think is going to happen next?  She'll likely escalate further by cutting you and your DH out again -- and making sure the whole family knows why.  How is this going to end?  What is your goal?  If your DH won't talk to her about it to "keep the peace," then you know you're going to be left holding the bag and looking like the b-word to the rest of the family.

    Decide what you want to accomplish here, make sure you and your DH are on the same page, and then go forward.

    "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • image Rachel1422:

    Sorry, let me clarify - This was a family dinner with all the uncle's/aunts and grandparents. No friends.

     My MIL mentioned it to us which is how we found out. (oopsie on her part perhaps?)

     If husband wants to hang out with his sister, I have drawn a clear line that I have no problem with that but I will not join him.

    Yes, you are all correct in that in could be an oversight but I have heard through the family grapevine that she feels that because we don't oggle over her three kids, we don't care about them. This is far from the truth.

    Yea, but I still wouldn't go with "through the grapevine" information.  If you are going to take a stand that could cause rifts not only for yourself and your husband, but even for your children and their future relationships with their own cousins, it'd be so much more mature to address this face to face like adults with the actual woman you are so offended by.  First, the invitation could have gotten lost or dropped.  Second, so what if she said it - we've all said things that are a bit drama possessed that we say in our weaker and less flattering moments, sometimes things that we are able to snap out of and regret later on.  If she didn't say it to your face, I wouldn't engage in he-said/she-said slights and arguments.  Who ever fed that back to you is a jerk just trying to stir the pot themselves.   [Edited to add:  ....and that's even assuming she said it.  Either way, you need to teach both them and yourself that you can handle things like an adult and that you demand that same respect from extended family members.  Too many families, in my opinion, handle things like we're all in some kindergarten playground.] 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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