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WDNT?

My neighbor is a single mom of twins. They are, I believe 18 or 19 years old. The daughter's boyfriend is over a lot. Last night when I pulled up from work at almost 1am they (daughter and boyfriend) were on the porch smoking. This morning when I came back from dropping H off they were back on the porch smoking, him with his shirt off. Clearly he spent the night.

I know they aren't my kids but part of me thinks it is really inappropriate- a very big part of me. I suppose there may be something to the "well, I'd rather they be doing it here" mentality. As in if she has some kind of relationship with him and is aware of what is going on, maybe they will be more careful. I don't know...

What do Nesties think? Would your parents have allowed this? Do you imagine yourself being that parent?

My beautiful girls: Hadley 9.28.06, Emmerson 11.29.08 and Pilar 2.07.11, born premature at 33.3 weeks.
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Re: WDNT?

  • My hs boyfriend and I used to spend the night at each other's houses all the time.  We started dating when I was in 9th grade.  I don't remember when we started sleeping over, but I'd say definitely by 11th grade.  We slept  in the same room and all. I can't believe our parents let us do this, but I'm sure they were thinking it was better that they knew we were there & safe rather than out drinking & driving and getting into all sorts of trouble.  

    I can't imagine DH and I allowing this, sleeping over or smoking anywhere on our property.  Maybe sleeping over after graduating from hs.

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  • There's no way in hell my parents would have allowed my bf to sleep over.  I remember when I was a senior in high school, my little sister who was about 7 asked my dad if my bf could spend the night (she didn't know any better, she just liked him).  My dad said it would be the last night he spent anywhere. 

    I remember staying at my college bf's parents' house (he was in grad school) over break.  They did let us sleep in the same room, but I remember being a little uncomfortable about it.

    I can't see us allowing a bf/gf to sleep over at least through high school.  I guess maybe later, I can see it if they slept in different rooms.  I think I might be a big prude on this one for a long time, though.

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  • The "kids" are legal adults. When I turned 18, I still lived at home, and my mother *asked* me not to bring my boyfriend home because of my little brothers. She treated me like an adult who had a right to invite people over for whatever amount of time, and because she did so, I respected her wishes.

    If I hadn't had younger siblings (the youngest at the time was 10), I doubt she would have cared. If my daughter is still in the house at 18, I won't presume to dictate her guests or her sex life. (Though I will dictate when the rent is due!)

     

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  • image CheriCO:

    My hs boyfriend and I used to spend the night at each other's houses all the time.  We started dating when I was in 9th grade.  I don't remember when we started sleeping over, but I'd say definitely by 11th grade.  We slept  in the same room and all. I can't believe our parents let us do this, but I'm sure they were thinking it was better that they knew we were there & safe rather than out drinking & driving and getting into all sorts of trouble.  

    I can't imagine DH and I allowing this, sleeping over or smoking anywhere on our property.  Maybe sleeping over after graduating from hs.

    Ditto exactly. I am still shocked that my mom let my boyfriend sleep over, but she did. 

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  • No way.  My parents would not have allowed the smoking or spending the night and we won't either.  Honestly, if something like that happened, I would want to know because that means a big violation of trust.


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    DS -- 3YO

  • I pretty much lived at my boyfriend's parent's house the first 2 years of college.  They happened to move to the town I went to school the same year and my parent's moved back to WA.  They basically took me in as their own.  We've been together 16 years now.
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  • ::disclaimer:  I'm not at this point yet, but this is what I think in the here & now::

    My parents were both of the "not under my roof" mentality, and I respected that.  I think I'll likely be the same - if my kid is 19 and living at home, our policy is that we will enter into the realm of landlord/lessee, where the kid is either paying rent or going to school, and if I say I don't want sex happening under my roof, they can accept that or move out. 

    Waiting for some innocuous creativity... I'll let you know.
  • No my parents wouldn't have allowed it. They also wouldn't even talk about things like dating, boyfriends, etc. I wish they had been a bit more open though because it just made me not be at home much as a teenager and not want to be home at all after I graduated. I wouldn't judge this mom too harshly. 18 and 19 year olds have adult relationships and have sex, and there isn't a lot the parent can do to stop that. I don't know what I would do as the parent. I really don't think I would expect or even encourage my child to "wait until marriage". That's just not my philosophy.

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  • I definitely am not on the "wait until marriage" train. I also think living together (before marriage) is a ok, a good idea in fact. I don't take issue with the fact that they are most likely having sex.

    Maybe part of it is that I've seen these kids grow up. They were quite young when we moved in and in some ways it is still difficult for me to see them as adults. Plus I think I just don't want my kids living at home at that age. Go be an adult in your own space! ;) I definitely don't want my kid's bf or gf practically living at my house, which seems to be the case over there.

    My beautiful girls: Hadley 9.28.06, Emmerson 11.29.08 and Pilar 2.07.11, born premature at 33.3 weeks.
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  • I'm old fashioned & a traditional Catholic---so yeah, not a chance in Hell.  I wouldn't even have thought about asking my parents...I also am not a fan of the live before marriage trend--so yeah, I'm a prude & my kids will suffer endlessly because of it  just like I did.  (I hope you know I am joking at the end)
  • I stayed at DH's dad's house a lot the first couple of years out of college and I didn't have a curfew. My parent's eventually let DH stay at our house too because they missed me. I think I'd rather have DD home as long as she's a student. If she chooses not to go to school, I'd expect her to get a job and pay her own way.
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  • I will admit that I snuck around once or twice but my BF never slept over with my parent's approval. If DH came down for the weekend, he slept in a separate bedroom. 3 months before our wedding, DH's family went down to Durango for a wedding. We were the only unmarried couple in the group and his parents had issue with us sharing a bed.  We did anyway because it was easier. We didn't live together until we were married. My parents would have had my head if I just let BF spend the night whenever.
    Robin
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  • Oh hell no! It is sometimes weird for me to have DH and I sleep over at my parents'. The first time I stayed at his mom's house, we slept in separate rooms because his grandma was there and his mom did not want her to have a heart attack (we weren't married). It still weirds my grandma out, so we stay at a hotel when we go to their place. 

    I am of the camp that you respect the homeowner's wishes. If my kids live with me and want to bring a bf/gf over to stay the night, I will promptly give them the rental agreement or show them the door. If they are bringing someone home from out of town for a holiday, we would have to evaluate the situation- Are they living with each other already, age, etc. 

  • My HS boyfriend and I slept over at each other's houses all the time.  He was supposed to sleep on the couch at both houses - but let's be honest, where there is a will there is a way.  I think my parents allowed it because my mom got pg with me at 17.  She figured she would rather have us where she could see us then off in some car somewhere.

    Now that I have kids I can't IMAGINE letting them do this!  But I also have a "never say never" mentality about parenting, so who knows.  Although I don't see DH being as liberal on the subject as I might be.


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  • Well my "HS" bf was moved out and living on his own. (he was 21) When I was 16 my parents would let him stay over and I would stay over his house a lot. I eventually moved in with him when I was 17, and the rest is history.

    Now let me say I would NEVER in a million years allow DD to do this! DH and I have talked about it a lot and we dont agree with it.

     

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  • I'm that parent. I would rather my son (obviously, when he's older) be home, safe, and honest with me. Teenagers are going to have sex. Nothing you can say will stop that. I think it's better if they have safe sex in a private location and are honest about it. Sex is not dirty. Sex is a beautiful natural thing and should be treated as such.

    So I'll let my son spend the night with a girl in my house. I wouldn't, however, let him smoke. I hate smoking. It's dangerous and disgusting. 

  • d.fd.f member

    My dad would have had a fit but I lived with my mom and she didn't care.  I had male friends spend the night before (none of which I was seeing) and my mom didn't care so I doubt she would have cared if it was a bf.  Hell my 22 y.o brothers girlfriend is living with them right now and has been for at least a year maybe longer.

    DH never spent the night but he was over really late (1-3am) before I got a vehicle.  If he didn't have his own place he might have spent the night.  After I got wheels I spent every Saturday night (and some other nights) at his apartment.  My mom didn't care.

    DH and I dated and lived together for a long time before we got married and up until our wedding MIL and SFIL didn't allow us to sleep in the same room.

    I'm not even going to pretend I know what I'll do when Blake is older.  It will probably depend on what kind kid/young adult he is.  I'm not really opposed to it on principle.

    DS 09/08

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  • My parents think most people wait until marriage to have sex, so it definitely wouldn't have been allowed in the home I grew up in. 

    I think as a parent I would be totally okay with my kids having sex at that age, but can't imagine allowing them to have sleepovers like that.  The smoking on the porch would not be allowed.  

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