Family Matters
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Update on the Pet?

Here is the first post: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/41552121.aspx

Well I thought we had it all worked out.  DH's grandparents were going to watch the dog for the week his parents were going to come visit us. They were going to miss Thanksgiving because the cabin has a no pet policy and other people had allergies, but that was their choice.

Drama happened over the weekend, the grandfather was watching the dog and the dog bit him pretty bad.  MIL says the dog is just a baby, doesnt understand and just wanted to play.  He is still going through his teething stage.  So not the grandfather is scared of the dog and won't watch him.  She now "has" to bring him to our house. She continues to send us pictures of the dog doing things he's not supposed to (chewing on the cabinets, jumping on the couch...) and how funny and cute he is. She says he cannot be crated for more than 2 hours and for about 1 hour each night runs around like crazy from room to room in their house jumping on things.  Sure, please bring your untrained dog to my house, we don't care about anything we have put into this house.

I feel awful that if we say no, they will not come and who knows when the next time we will see them. We just traveled up there to visit and don't have the money for another trip anytime soon (like within the next year), but even before they got the dog, something always came up on why they couldnt visit.

While I do feel bad that they most likely won't be visiting, I'm not will to risk all the money that we JUST put into our first home.  We cannot afford to replace things if they get damaged right now, which is why we do not have a pet.  We just don't want to take any unnecessary risks at this point.  We just bought this house, had to gut it, replace nearly everything (still have to do the bathrooms) and we just don't have the extra to fixed the floors or get new furniture if it gets damaged.  MIL is also not in the best financial situation and actually owes us money and cannot pay for the damages if they occur.  It's just too big of a risk for us right now. 

Re: Update on the Pet?

  • image honey12345:

    I feel awful that if we say no, they will not come and who knows when the next time we will see them.

    The world will not explode if you say no. Sure, MIL might get upset, but at least she'll know that you both have set a boundary. It's not your responsibility to take care of MIL's needs/wants.

  • You need to stay strong in your convictions about this. Now in addition to knowing that the dog is high energy and still in a chewing phase, he may have issues with aggression. Why would you want to bring that into your house?

    Honestly, I wonder if your MIL knows what she has gotten into. Is she experienced with dogs? I love Dobermans, but with any larger dog like that, especially one that could be prone to aggression, it is very important to be really on top of training from day one. If this dog is not neutered yet it needs to be right away, which will cut down on his aggressive tendencies also.

    You are not wrong about this! And I have two dogs, a boxer mix and a lab mix. I adore them and HATE leaving them in a boarding kennel. However, that is what is necessary when we want to travel somewhere. It's actually pretty simple--your MIL is making this much more complicated than it needs to be. 

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • Also--it is pretty easy to distinguish between a playful nip (still not okay IMO) and a real bite. If the grandfather-in-law is now scared of the dog, it probably was a real bite. This is pretty serious stuff and your MIL needs to take this seriously and really get on top of curbing this behavior.
    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • I honestly don't understand why you're waffling. The MIL has made it abundantly clear that her wants and that of the dog are more important to her than yours, and considering you're going to be hosting her that's not the way to think. If it were me, there'd be no doubt and no waffling at all - you're not bringing that dog into my house. Period. If it means you're not coming, well, that tells me a lot about your priorities, but I can't change you, I can only control me. And "me" says "Hell to the No."
  • image JoEsther:
    I honestly don't understand why you're waffling. The MIL has made it abundantly clear that her wants and that of the dog are more important to her than yours, and considering you're going to be hosting her that's not the way to think. If it were me, there'd be no doubt and no waffling at all - you're not bringing that dog into my house. Period. If it means you're not coming, well, that tells me a lot about your priorities, but I can't change you, I can only control me. And "me" says "Hell to the No."

    We aren't going to allow the dog in our house, but part of me just feels bad that DH isn't able to see his parents because of their pet. I know that its their choice, but it's still hard for me to understand. And although we have told her no she cannot bring the dog, she someone just thinks that we mean that for this trip.  She is now mentioning coming in December with the dog.  DH is handling it and telling her no, but I just cannot get over the fact that she keeps trying to push the dog on us as being the only way she can visit us.  

  • image honey12345:

    image JoEsther:
    I honestly don't understand why you're waffling. The MIL has made it abundantly clear that her wants and that of the dog are more important to her than yours, and considering you're going to be hosting her that's not the way to think. If it were me, there'd be no doubt and no waffling at all - you're not bringing that dog into my house. Period. If it means you're not coming, well, that tells me a lot about your priorities, but I can't change you, I can only control me. And "me" says "Hell to the No."

    We aren't going to allow the dog in our house, but part of me just feels bad that DH isn't able to see his parents because of their pet. I know that its their choice, but it's still hard for me to understand. And although we have told her no she cannot bring the dog, she someone just thinks that we mean that for this trip.  She is now mentioning coming in December with the dog.  DH is handling it and telling her no, but I just cannot get over the fact that she keeps trying to push the dog on us as being the only way she can visit us.  

    I'm sorry about that, and this isn't going to be a very pleasant thing to hear/read (and yes, I'd feel badly for my H as well, if this were the situation with my ILs), but the only way I can interpret that is that she cares about the dog more than she cares about seeing her son.

    If her son has told her, "you can't bring that dog to our home" and she's ignoring it and pretending that it's a falsehood, you might have to get extra tough. You might have to ultimately turn her away when she shows up on your doorstep with the dog, or you might have to tell her not to bother showing up at all. But it's a boundary issue - if you don't enforce it now and consistently, and actually show her by your actions (like not allowing her entry into your home, should she show up with the dog, etc) that you mean what you say, she'll always be trying to get around it. The absolute worst thing you can do right now is back down - that will only teach her that in order to get what she wants, all she has to do is pester, pester, pester. And that's annoying and ultimately not beneficial at all.

    And that's good advice in re dog training as well.

  • image honey12345:
    And although we have told her no she cannot bring the dog, she someone just thinks that we mean that for this trip.  She is now mentioning coming in December with the dog.  DH is handling it and telling her no, but I just cannot get over the fact that she keeps trying to push the dog on us as being the only way she can visit us.  

    One more thing - don't make this into a production. If she's telling you guys now that she's going to bring the dog in December, just say, "No, you're not" and change the subject. I'm really thinking her behavior is that of a little girl - selfish and self-centered, and all about getting what she wants and making into a huge drama production - but if you just say in a clear, unemotional voice that she's not going to bring the dog into your house and change the subject, you're canceling the emotionality and making your point as well. Don't sink into her dramatics.

  • Pay for a kennel.
    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • image sprky79:
    Pay for a kennel.
    I don't agree. It's not their dog - why should they pay for it? If they want, they can look for a kennel with good ratings in their area and recommend it to MIL, but ONLY if she pays for it in full AND if she recognizes that the dog will be there full time, and it's not a "stopover" before he comes to (and totally destroys) their home.
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Ancient Membership Combo Breaker

    image sapphireblue:
    Also--it is pretty easy to distinguish between a playful nip (still not okay IMO) and a real bite. If the grandfather-in-law is now scared of the dog, it probably was a real bite. This is pretty serious stuff and your MIL needs to take this seriously and really get on top of curbing this behavior.

    This.

    I'll admit I've said "she's a baby, we're working on it" w/ some mouthyness/jumping/etc w/ Dawg...but there comes a point where continuing to be dismissive =  ignoring a BIG problem.

    SHe's still sending 'cute' pictures of problems--this strikes me as a dog that's NEVER going to get the training it needs and be OK in your house (or anywhere else).

    It sucks for your DH.

    And it sucks for the poor dog (who is owned by twits who are setting him up for failure).

    ANd the ILs are creating their own nightmares and making their own bad choices.

  • image sprky79:
    Pay for a kennel.

    Totally disagree. The burden is on the pet owner to make arrangements for their pets, not on the host of the visit. OP, you need to stick to your guns on this one. The fact that she sends you "cute" pictures of the dog breaking rules tells me she's not going to take it seriously when the dog breaks the rules at your house.

  • Don't back down! You are not wrong here. DH and I backed down with my MIL a couple of times early in our marriage and it was a HUGE mistake. It's taken almost 3 years to get to the point where she realizes she can't bully us. If you back down on this, the next time you want/need to tell her no, she'll make it 10x worse on you.

    I know you feel bad for your DH. I feel bad for my DH that his parents are nutso and that he can't just have a normal relationship with them. It's hard because you know you are doing the right thing, but not seeing her probably makes him sad. 

    Also, I disagree that you should pay for a kennel. If you want to suggest some places for your MIL to look into, great. But it's not your responsibility. Also, I know the kennels around here book up early for holidays.

    I love our one-year-old dog, but I recognize that he weight 80 lbs and I would never even consider asking to bring him someplace, especially when that home is not a dog home. I hate leaving him because I miss him, but honestly, our kennel is all open and he loves going there (I know because he drags my butt there). Part of dog ownership means having to make certain sacrifices or leaving your dog behind sometimes.

    As for the biting, the pp are correct - that sounds like a major issue. It's easy to distinguish between a puppy bite and a real bite. If the grandfather is afraid of the dog, it was probably an actual bite. They have to learn early that biting is not okay - if my dog thought it was okay to bite me, he could take a chunk out of my hands!

    Good luck and stay strong. 

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  • image sprky79:
    Pay for a kennel.

    Like I have said before, she will not kennel the dog.  She claims it is too young and needs to be at least a year old.  We also cannot afford to kennel her dog and even if we could, there would be no way I'd be paying for it.  We didn't choose to get a dog, she did.  

  • Thanks for the responses.  I have given her names of kennels, but she refuses to board the dog since he isn't a year old yet. She also has a next door neighbor who watches the dog while they are at work during the day that was willing to watch the dog while they are gone, but they refused since she doesnt run fast enough (like MIL's husband does) with the dog to tire him out at night.  I think that there isn't going to be anyone good enough to watch their dog. 

    While I do feel bad that DH most likely will not be able to see his mom, I'm not willing to risk damaging my house and be forced to be uncomfortable in my own home while she is visiting.  If she wants to come, she can't bring the dog in the house, that's it.  

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