Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

*

josscaljosscal member
Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
edited November 2013 in Family Matters
Deleted because problem is resolved

Re: *

  • Stop checking your IL's facebook pages.

     

  • I can see why you're angry, but what you have to realize is that these people raised the drunk BIL.  Of COURSE they're not reasonable, responsible people who will refuse to enable - that's why their kid turned out to be such a loser.
    image
  • image casmgn:

    Stop checking your IL's facebook pages.

     

    I don't sneak around checking them or anything - it shows up on my homepage that shows the newsfeed ( not sure if thats what its called )

  • image josscal:
    image casmgn:

    Stop checking your IL's facebook pages.

     

    I don't sneak around checking them or anything - it shows up on my homepage that shows the newsfeed ( not sure if thats what its called )

    So block them. You cannot control their behavior and it is never going to change. What purpose does it serve to get their updates on Facebook aside from just adding self-inflicted drama to your life?
  • image casmgn:
    image josscal:
    image casmgn:

    Stop checking your IL's facebook pages.

     

    I don't sneak around checking them or anything - it shows up on my homepage that shows the newsfeed ( not sure if thats what its called )

    So block them. You cannot control their behavior and it is never going to change. What purpose does it serve to get their updates on Facebook aside from just adding self-inflicted drama to your life?

    I just feel like that would cause more problems than there should be. I wouldn't have a problem blocking MIL since I was hesitant to add her in the first place, but I consider BIL's wife a pretty good friend to me. She completely understands why DH chose to stop speaking to him and holds nothing against me. I guess that's why it makes me so angry about MIL because I don't want her to intentionally hurt BIL's wife.

    I will take your advice on blocking MIL though, off to do that now.

  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    I can see why you're angry, but what you have to realize is that these people raised the drunk BIL.  Of COURSE they're not reasonable, responsible people who will refuse to enable - that's why their kid turned out to be such a loser.

    I understand, I guess DH & I both were hoping they wouldn't want to enable something that could kill him or someone else.

  • My advice ... find an Al-Anon group and start attending meetings!!  Al-Anon is for those affected by someone else's alcoholism.  You are dealing with a classic alcoholic situation in which the parents are in denial and enabling the drunk.  You are expecting rational behavior from a drunk and his enablers when they are all sick!  Al-Anon will help you understand alcoholism and co-dependency and how to deal with this dysfunctional situation so you don't take their actions so personally.  You will feel better!
  • DH told him not to speak to him anymore, not to call him his brother, and that he was done with him until he got help and was completely done with alcohol.

    Good move -- make sure it sticks -- and if the ILs don't like it, too bad.

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Ancient Membership Combo Breaker

    I'm going to second something like alanon...learning to navigate this sort of thing can use that sort of help.

    And, to some extent, my advice would be to quit involving the ILs.  At all.

    That means not explaining why you're not there...just say "we won't be around BIL" and when asked, say that's between you (plural you) and BIL.  Don't call them, don't involve them in the discussion, don't ttry to get them to see the light--they won't.

  • Al-anon for your H (who did the right thing by cutting off his Bro).  Stop looking for the ILs to solve this - they created it.  Al Anon will help your H deal with this and stay sane.

    Good luck.

    ETA: if you really care about SIL, you should suggest she attend Al-Anon too. At least, you should share with her your experience with the meetings. It might be what helps her get out of this awful situation too.

  • Yeah, don't get hung up on the relationship between MIL and SIL.  If their relationship isn't genuine, that's their issue to resolve (or not).  MIL might be desperate thinking her family is falling apart, and instead of addressing the BIL drunken situation she is reaching out to SIL to hang out with her and pretend like everything is still OK, when below the surface everything is not OK.

    Be thankful your DH stood up for you.  Many times this can be such a big challenge in relationships, so count your blessings.  What you're upset about is the effects of this decision.  Stay firm and like someone else said, you don't have to justify *why* you and DH will not be around BIL to anyone like your MIL.  You can be a broken record and just continue to respond to inquiries, "We will not be around BIL.  This is not up for discussion."  And if you show up for a visit with MIL and BIL is there, and MIL pretends like it was an accident, you are not jerks for leaving.

  • Your H was 100% right to cut BIL off.  Your BIL finally crossed the line.  Hopefully your DH will stand strong and not reunite with BIL until BIL gets the help he needs and cleans up his act.  Do not let him back into your lives until you have sought help through Al-anon.

    You don't need to block either SIL or MIL to stop seeing their posts / feeds.  There is a feature that you can block their updates.  It was originally used to block all of those "farmville" and "mafia wars" posts but you can block regular posts as well.  You can also limit what your MIL and SIL see on your FB page (so they can't read your wall, can only see your pics, etc).

  • Thank you all so much for the advice! I do feel much better now, I don't get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me want to punch something.

    Sorry I wasn't able to reply last night but I did search around for Al-anon classes near us and they have a class weekly about 30 minutes from us that both DH & I will be attending next week! DH seemed really excited about it and wishes I would have looked sooner so we could have attended the one this week ( it was on Tuesday ).

    DH & I were talking last night and he admitted that while he missed his brother, this was the best decision he had ever made. He feels like so much weight was lifted off his shoulders and still stands by his decision and will continue standing by it until his brother gets help and is completely clean.

    His mom called during our discussion to see if we would be there on Sunday ( she was going grocery shopping ). He said no we wouldn't be there and when pressed on why - he basically told them that if they can't support us and be respectful about it, then our visits will stop completely and they can take a seat next to his brother - she shut up real quick. So that's where we stand with them for now.

    Thank you all again for your advice, it really did help!

  • image josscal:

    DH & I were talking last night and he admitted that while he missed his brother, this was the best decision he had ever made. He feels like so much weight was lifted off his shoulders and still stands by his decision and will continue standing by it until his brother gets help and is completely clean.

     

    This is great. The road will not be easy but you are on the right path.
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Ancient Membership Combo Breaker

    GOOD.

    I will say, if the first al-anon meeting doesn't work?  try again.  If you don't like the structure of the group, finda nother one--the individual groups vary a lot in the structure (you'll be doing the same thing in all of them but it's very much a grup thing and sometimes the 'chemistry' of a group is off).  (and if al-anon doesn't work, come back and ask, tehre ARE other resources, celebrate recovery, etc)

  • Good for you both!  Al-Anon usually suggests you try out a group for at least six meetings to see if it is a fit for you.  Different people may attend each week so give it some time to see if it will help you.  If not, you can check out another group or try a different resource.  Good luck!!

     

  • image casmgn:

    Stop checking your IL's facebook pages.

     

    Any time a person you're FB friends with posts something on another FB friend's wall, it comes onto your wall.   She didn't have to check.

    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb4m.lilypie.com/2mh0m4.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers" /></a><a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb2m.lilypie.com/mIhKm4.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Second Birthday tickers" /></a>
    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/2e1bnnc.jpg[/IMG]

    <A href="http://thatsdamngood.blogspot.com">[IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/23u7fgo.jpg[/IMG]</A>

    <A href="http://www.etsy.com/shop/lovebubs">[IMG]http://i49.tinypic.com/sfbfxf.jpg[/IMG]15% off for Bumpies- Code BUMP15</A>
  • I think you/your DH would benefit from attending AA meetings (and offer to take SIL if she wants to go.)  So many people think that alcoholism is 100% caused by/treated by the person who is drinking.  And while it's true that an alcoholic has become an alcoholic because of choices they made themselves, it's also true that the family dynamics can have a whole lot to do with how bad the alcoholism eventually gets before the alcoholic seeks treatment (if they ever do.)  

    You can't fix your BIL (and neither can your DH.)  And you might not even be able to help your BIL at all.  But learning how not to enable him, and learning how to handle your IL's who are enabling him, and learning how to let go of your own anger and frustration might help you and your DH and possibly your SIL. 

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards