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Dating an anal guy

SOOO I'm a very clean person.. but I can never do ANYTHING right!! (says the FI ) Cant clean right... cant do laundary right.. cant make a PBJ right... can anyone relate? It makes me feel not good enough... I know im not perfect but I can DEF clean cook make a PBJ! UGH.....

Re: Dating an anal guy

  • Uh, you mean anal-retentive, not constantly pressuring you for anal sex, right?

    Have you had a long conversation with him about this and how irritating his need for perfection is?

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Tell him what I told my DH.  If you don't like the way I do it, you can do it yourself.  He backtracked pretty quick after I made him do all my chores in addition to his for a few weeks. 
  • I can't relate, but I can strongly suggest that you put the wedding on hold until this issue has been resolved.
  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    image prop_tart:
    Tell him what I told my DH.  If you don't like the way I do it, you can do it yourself.  He backtracked pretty quick after I made him do all my chores in addition to his for a few weeks. 

    Ditto this!  If HIS way is sooo much better, then HE can do it!

    (I know a few people who DO re-clean after their dh does his share of the chores, but they fully admit that they are OCD and clean-crazy).

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • In all honesty- I would not go through with marrying him. I would at the very least postpone the wedding.  I'm a believer that we're all allowed our little particularities- DH likes his shirts folded a certain way, I like the table set a certain way.  Whatever- little things, it's not a big deal to accommodate or to put that person in charge of folding laundry or setting the table.  When it's everything- when it's not incidental things, but all the ways you clean and launder and cook, when one partner is saying "I don't feel good enough"- that's not workable.  it's not a partnership when one partner feels justified in dictating the One Right Way to clean and cook and make sandwiches.  

    In general, I'm against the idea that some couples fall into, where the person who's the biggest neat freak decides how things get cleaned and how often, the biggest penny pincher decides and manages the household budget, the person who has the strictest views on parenting decides how to discipline the kids.  The reason is- when you decide to marry someone, that should be someone whose ideas and perspectives and qualities you respect and want to share.  Maybe the rigid budgeter is too rigid, and appreciates that their less-rigid partner balances out budget decisions and keeps their lifestyle fun and still reasonable, and maybe the less-rigid partner appreciates that the more-rigid budgeter keeps the household finances more organized and focused. Mr. G and I aren't clones, and there are some things he's better at than I and vice versa.  But if something happened to me and my children were going to be raised by a single parent- I'd want it to be him.  If I was bedridden and another adult was in charge of all the housecleaning- I'd want it to be him.  If, again, I'm ill and in the hospital and unable to participate in making financial decisions, I'd want Mr. G to be the one taking care of our household finances.  No question.  

    Were I in this situation, I would probably start the conversation with him by saying, "I understand that you like things done a particular way, and so do I- I feel like I'm a very clean person and cook well.  However, when I'm around you I feel like I'm never good enough- and I am not signing up for a lifetime of that.   We need to decide whether we like and respect each other's opinions enough to do things around the house your way and my way- if we can't, and if it's always going to be me not meeting your standards, then that does not work for me."

  • I agree with the PP that you shouldn't marry this guy; at least not until this issue is resolved.

    Look, I'm kind of OCD about wanting stuff organized and no clutter around the house. DH is the kind of guy that lets piles of unopened junk mail stack up and has 5 years of electronics for his software consulting business sitting around in random stacks. It kinda drives me nuts when I focus on it.

    But, I let him be who he is - messy stacks and all. I don't talk down to him about it and I don't tell him that he has to change. (We did agree that the dining room table is off limits; no piles of crap there.)

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image MKESweetie:
    I can't relate, but I can strongly suggest that you put the wedding on hold until this issue has been resolved.

    Ditto.  Why the hell can't he take care of himself.  I'd take that PB&J sandwich and throw it in his face.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Thanks for all the replys.. the thing is I LIKE TO take care of him yeah know? I mean i LIKE doing laundary.. i LIKE cooking... i like to take care of him bc I love him.. but when he puts me down like that.. its like why do I even bother? And i say why do u want to be with me if I do everything so wrong.. and hes like sorry im just anal. And it drives me nuts.. Honestly FI and I are very alike too.. We kind of clash.. now I'm starting to understand why they say opposites attract. Only he NEVER does anything nice for me... BUTTTT thats another story ;) uGHHHH LIFE IS HARD! Especially in your 20s!!! When your looking for love.. meeting mr. wrong.. mr. wrong .. mr. wrong.. where the hell is mr. right.. how do u know hes mr. right??!! BLAHHH
  • Okay, with this response I'm changing my answer.  You need to get the first issue settled, and it sounds like it's not your only problem.  Are you doing any sort of pre-marital counseling?  If not I'd schedule it right away.
  • image Fitnesslover:
    Thanks for all the replys.. the thing is I LIKE TO take care of him yeah know? I mean i LIKE doing laundary.. i LIKE cooking... i like to take care of him bc I love him.. but when he puts me down like that.. its like why do I even bother? And i say why do u want to be with me if I do everything so wrong.. and hes like sorry im just anal. And it drives me nuts.. Honestly FI and I are very alike too.. We kind of clash.. now I'm starting to understand why they say opposites attract. Only he NEVER does anything nice for me... BUTTTT thats another story ;) uGHHHH LIFE IS HARD! Especially in your 20s!!! When your looking for love.. meeting mr. wrong.. mr. wrong .. mr. wrong.. where the hell is mr. right.. how do u know hes mr. right??!! BLAHHH

    First of all, you're only 21. That hardly qualifies as "in your 20s."

    Second of all, why are you so desperate to meet Mr Right right nownownownowNOW!? You know it's okay to be alone, right? You don't always have to have a man in your life. In fact, the best thing you could do for yourself is be single. No dating, no boyfriends, just living alone (alone, by yourself, no roommates, no living with mommy and daddy, ALONE), learning how to be a complete, worthwhile human being who can take care of herself. Learn to kill your own spiders and stop depending on others to make you happy. You won't die without a man in your life to define you, I promise.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Well, you are getting more creative with your controversial posts.  Unlike your posts on declawing cats on Pets, diet pills on H&F, home business ideas on MM and your previous posts here on threesomes and open marriage, this time you added more color to your fake responses.

    Get a life.

  • image Fitnesslover:
    Thanks for all the replys.. the thing is I LIKE TO take care of him yeah know? I mean i LIKE doing laundary.. i LIKE cooking... i like to take care of him bc I love him.. but when he puts me down like that.. its like why do I even bother? And i say why do u want to be with me if I do everything so wrong.. and hes like sorry im just anal. And it drives me nuts.. Honestly FI and I are very alike too.. We kind of clash.. now I'm starting to understand why they say opposites attract. Only he NEVER does anything nice for me... BUTTTT thats another story ;) uGHHHH LIFE IS HARD! Especially in your 20s!!! When your looking for love.. meeting mr. wrong.. mr. wrong .. mr. wrong.. where the hell is mr. right.. how do u know hes mr. right??!! BLAHHH

    Are you marrying a child? Why are you "taking care of him?" How are you taking care of him by cooking and doing laundry? Those are normal grown up chores that both people in the relationship should contribute. If he's putting you down, then I suggest counseling to determine why you're attracted to a man who cares more how the chores are done rather than your feelings.

  • image BunMom90:

    Well, you are getting more creative with your controversial posts.  Unlike your posts on declawing cats on Pets, diet pills on H&F, home business ideas on MM and your previous posts here on threesomes and open marriage, this time you added more color to your fake responses.

    Get a life.

    Bunmom! I was trying to place where I'd seen this poster before - now I remember those posts. They must be creating MUD all over the nest.

  • I'm kinda disappointed that this post isn't about anal sex like I thought it would be...

    He must know that he's extreme in his views, tell him to chill out and let you do things your way every now and then. What's going to happen if you make a pbj different than him? Are you ruining the laundry when you do it? probably not...let him know exactly how you feel.  Don't attack him but let him know that it hurts you when he's picking apart everything you do.

    I'd let him know that "I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to do things my way sometimes and you might not agree with everything but you NEED to let some things go.  PBJ is not life changing, If I do something FOR you like make you a sandwich you need to just appreciate that and let the fact that it might not be 'perfect in your eyes' go. I don't want to feel like dirt everytime I make a mistake or every time I try to do something for you."

  • image Fitnesslover:
    Thanks for all the replys.. the thing is I LIKE TO take care of him yeah know? I mean i LIKE doing laundary.. i LIKE cooking... i like to take care of him bc I love him.. but when he puts me down like that.. its like why do I even bother? And i say why do u want to be with me if I do everything so wrong.. and hes like sorry im just anal. And it drives me nuts.. Honestly FI and I are very alike too.. We kind of clash.. now I'm starting to understand why they say opposites attract. Only he NEVER does anything nice for me... BUTTTT thats another story ;) uGHHHH LIFE IS HARD! Especially in your 20s!!! When your looking for love.. meeting mr. wrong.. mr. wrong .. mr. wrong.. where the hell is mr. right.. how do u know hes mr. right??!! BLAHHH

    You should totally marry him. Don't worry, marriage will TURN him into Mr. Right. And you will be Mrs. Right!

    I mean, you are 21 and clearly getting up there. The 20's are SO hard. You only have about one or two years before you are out of your prime. You should totally focus all your time now on getting that Mrs. degree before it is too late. Put your 100% dedication to finding Mr. Right. Don't take any time to work on yourself, or, you know, go through your own personal growth.

    Who cares if you are both incredibly immature, seem to have zero communication skills, and the whole relationship seems to be a drama-filled teen movie. If you marry this guy, It will be perfect. Forever and ever.  Or, at least, you can pretend it is.

    ConfusedConfusedConfused 

     

  • This and he's always harping on the threesome idea... I can't imagine why you're even dating him let alone considering marrying him.
    image
  • I have had this experience.  My husband is HIGHLY obsessive compulsive; specifically about cleanliness of space.  I'm a very clean person, so it was very upsetting to me when he would say I was "filthy" and that I couldn't clean anything right.  I'd clean the kitchen after making dinner and he'd come in and "inspect".  A crumb on the counter or a drop of water in the sink was a catastrophe for him.  I could go on about details, but I'll just skip to the solution.

    Lexapro.  Amazing.  At first, I was really scared about the idea -in fact I remember crying, thinking it was going to turn him into a different person.  He said he had taken it a few years back, and it didn't "change" him, and it really helped.  So I said ok, worst case scenario is that it doesn't work and you go off it.  It worked so well.  He isn't a different person, he's just less picky about the apartment.  He doesn't vaccuum every other day, and he doesn't go looking for my "messes", or freak out about cat hair and dust.  We're a lot happier, he's happier, I'm much happier.  I guess I never realized that something which seemed like his personality could actually be a sickness that is very easily curable.

  • image Fitnesslover:
    Thanks for all the replys.. the thing is I LIKE TO take care of him yeah know? I mean i LIKE doing laundary.. i LIKE cooking... i like to take care of him bc I love him.. but when he puts me down like that.. its like why do I even bother? And i say why do u want to be with me if I do everything so wrong.. and hes like sorry im just anal. And it drives me nuts.. Honestly FI and I are very alike too.. We kind of clash.. now I'm starting to understand why they say opposites attract. Only he NEVER does anything nice for me... BUTTTT thats another story ;) uGHHHH LIFE IS HARD! Especially in your 20s!!! When your looking for love.. meeting mr. wrong.. mr. wrong .. mr. wrong.. where the hell is mr. right.. how do u know hes mr. right??!! BLAHHH

    Four years ago, I met the most insane man on earth.  Truly, I don't know how we made it to this point.  He complained about everything.  I cried, I pleaded, I tried to please him.  Everything I did was wrong.  Then I gave up and left.  After several attempts, I finally agreed to give him another chance.  He is now my biggest champion.  He tells everyone how I'm the best cook, we have the cleanest house, I am the best partner, etc. 

    I stood up for myself.  Our relationship is phenominal because I learned to say "I will not accept this action."  FI knows that those words mean "dealbreaker."

    My FI is still a crazy man sometimes.  As long as he is being a crazy man to himself, I'm fine.  Lashing out at me -- not OK.

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