Relationships
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Can an Unfaithful Friend Be a Bad Influence?

2»

Re: Can an Unfaithful Friend Be a Bad Influence?

  • I don't think your husband is as trustworthy a guy as you say he is... and from your repeated doubts about whether he can be swayed into cheating on you by osmosis, I suspect deep down you think he's a bit skeevy too.
    image
  • Do I think my DH would cheat on me because his friends were doing it?  No.  I don't think that he could be influenced that way.  Do *I* think my DH should be friends with cheaters?  HELL NO!!  I also strongly voice my opinions on the matter. 

    IMO, it is inappropriate for your DH to hang out with a guy like this.  I would have a huge problem with it.  It is not only disrespectful to this guy's fiance, but it is disrespectful to you.  He wouldn't like you hanging out with a woman who cheated on her SO, would he?  Of course not.  It speaks volumes about your DH's character if he is willing to be friends with such a scumbag, IMO.

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I have seen my H drunk and the way he acts many times over 8 years, and at his most drunk he is still a trustworthy person. Of course I get insecure sometimes when he's out and about but it's not a reflection of his character. He sometimes gets insecure when my single friends talk in front of him about their sex in the city wannabe lifestyles, even though it's not a reflection of my character. My H has a lot of friends. He has quite a few married friends, friends in long term relationships, a few single friends, and his parents are still together- all this to say that he has a range of influences in his life. If your husband is a good guy, he can make good decisions on his own, regardless of what ONE person around him may be doing. I would be concerned only if perhaps this one sleazeball was like his best friend and they went out alone together all the time, and this was his one influence or MOST of his friends were like this. Yes, our social circles can influence us, but at the same time 1 bad seed is not enough to make a perfectly trustworthy person turn into a cheater. I had a friend who was a cheater, her boyfriend knew it, and eventually I cut her out my life because I saw her deceit and selfishness not only in her relationship, but in everything. Sometimes it seems that guys can separate the actions of their friends from the actual friendship better than we can (I don't know I've seen this in my experience). My H and I have a mutual friend who is wild and crazy but he's single, and he's a good friend to my H. I wonder does my H miss that life when he's with him, but that friend also respects our marriage and loves me and would never condone my H doing something that would jeopardize that. Bottom line, it all comes down to the weight of this sleazeball's influence and your H's character. I'm sort  of rambling, I hope this makes sense :-/
  • I absolutely wouldn't allow my husband to hang out with such a person - but I wouldn't have to tell him that, he's know.  We are both believers in the notion that friends are a reflection of yourself.  Nor would I/we be part of any wedding that is based upon a lie/farce.  You don't marry someone you can't be faithful to, and I'd be a hyprocite in attending such an affair.
  • Only you know what your husband is like.  Is he the type that is easily influenced?  Have you seen your husband or heard about him doing any questionable behavior?  If not, I don't think there is any reason to worry.  

     

    If you're worried, always trust your gut.  There is a reason why you feel like something is wrong. 

  • You are all making it seem like someone's horrible to be friends with someone who is/has cheated. My husband would have no issues with me hanging out with someone who's cheated, and I'd have no issues with him hanging out with someone who's cheated.

    I'm confident in my relationship, yes I don't agree with the behavior, yes, I would speak up if the lady didn't know, but the fact is everyone needs a good influence in their life. If all the good influences leave someone in the midst of their trouble, what are they supposed to do? I'm friends with drug addicts, drug dealers, etc. No I don't agree with the behavior, but I'm the only light they have in their world. 

     In the end, I trust my husband, and his friends are his decisions. 

  • I would just say this... when ever i am in doubt... I trust God's word and look to the bible for my answers. Bible says basically.... Bad company corupts good morals. So I guess it depends if you trust God's word or better yet... does your husband? Everything done in dark eventually comes to light so this friend of your husbands will eventually have to face his own issues. I would say out of fairness and love- your husband should tell him why it bothers him and why he chose to make a statement ( if that is what he decides to do). Offering correction in love and honesty is the right thing to do- give them an opportunity to see how it affects those around him. If it doesn't bother him- well ... you have to wonder if your husbands friendship will ever depend on this person who may or may not have morals. Pray with your husband about it and be supportive :)
  • What does it say about your DH that he has a friend like this?
  • It sounds like your husband likes this friend and does not want to cut him out of the circle.  In that case, I would talk to your husband about hanging out with him at "safe" locations like someone's house or meeting at restaurants or going bowling instead of clubs or bars.  That way, there won't be temptation for the sleazy guy, and H will not be subjected to witnessing his bad behavior.  I would also have your H talk to his friend and tell him why he is not comfortable going to clubs with him anymore.

    IMO, I don't think there's anything wrong with a married man going to a strip club for a bachelor party.  It's kind of the norm with my friends.  You know where he's coming home to.  If you aren't sure what goes on at a strip club, go with your man one time!  The only times I've ever gone to strip clubs, I've always been with my husband (except my own bachelorette party).  It can make for some hot times later that night if you have an open mind!

    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I do think that the behavior of others can rub off on a person if they spend too much time with them. However, if your husband is very faithful to begin with, and doesn't display any "iffy" behaviors from the start, I wouldn't be super worried that he is going to do a 180 and act like this creepy man. 

     Here is an example. I don't cuss much. When I do, its mild. For a few months, my husband and I were hanging out with a girl. We would go out with her and whomever was her date at the time. She cussed like a sailor. I found myself cussing more and more. I got to be pretty dirty mouthed and didn't even notice what I was doing most of the time. At the same time, my moral limits wouldn't allow me to unconsciously say some of the more choice and disgusting things that she liked to utter on frequent occasions.

     Although I agree that you shouldn't dictate who your husband's friends are, you might be open with him and let him know about your discomfort with having him around such a shady character. Let him know that you don't feel like he is weak and you know that he won't pick up this guy's habits. Just tell him that you think the guy is a sleaze bag, and it just makes you uncomfortable having a sleaze bag in your life, whether its indirectly through your husband or otherwise. If you talk to him about whether or not he really wants to be friends with a person who conflicts with his moral character, he might decide that splitting ties with the guy is a strong and manly thing of him to do. At the very least, you could suggest that when he does hang out with the guy, that he do it in situations where the man isn't going to have an opportunity to hit on chicks. For instance, a BBQ at your place, or a family friendly event. Ask him if he'll avoid going places like bars, clubs, and busy restaurants where he knows the guy is likely to act like a fool.

     I mean, I trust my husband completely. I know that he wouldn't become a cheater just because a friend of his hit on chicks and got lap dances. However, it would make me uncomfortable knowing my husband was hanging out with people with character traits I found immoral. I guess it would bother me that he would associate with people who didn't share his values. Its one thing to have a friend who has some unsavory habits, like flirting up girls when he is engaged. Its another, in my moral book, when the guy is so obviously sleeping around and doesn't seem to give a damn. Like begets like, so I wouldn't want him hanging around with such a morally bankrupt guy.

  • image BabyJoker7111:

    I don't say much since I'm not supposed to know about some of it (my husband and I are close and he does tell me what goes on).  I asked him what he says to him though, and he does tell him it's wrong and that he is making a huge mistake...the guy listens and says he knows it's wrong, but still does it. 

     I trust my husband and I know how he feels about this behavoir, but I guess my feeling is that "when you lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas." 

    I think that it depends on eacher person's own character.  My DH says is much braver to run from temptation that confronting it. 

    According to what you've written, your husband definitely has hos own independent character & doesn't seem to go with that flow.

  • Yes yes yes.  I would offer sources, but I'm too exhausted to find them for you. 

    People who hang out with others who cheat are significantly more likely to display the same behavior.  There's scientific research that supports the old saying "Birds of a feather flock together"  Not saying your DH HAS cheated, but the more people hang around each other, the more they pick up each others habits and perspectives.  And this behavior is certainly shown in people who hang around cheaters as they are more likely to become cheaters themselves.

    Personally, I would tell my husband to stop hanging out with this guy.  Also, maybe you should let the fiance know that he is a scumbag.  I mean, even an anonymous email or something.  Poor girl is about to marry a jerk and you KNOW this.  Why not save her some heartache?  Plus, the guy deserves to be caught.  He didn't just screw up once, he is repeatedly disrespecting his poor girlfriend.  How sad.  And how embarrassing for her to be played a fool.  All of you know he's a POS and everyone is just turning their heads the other way.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards