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Ultimate MIL betrayal?

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Re: Ultimate MIL betrayal?

  • imageMrsEastCoast:

    Thanks Ladies. It helped to get this out of my system. I am going to try to put this behind me and move on.

     Thanks for your advice..

    You have a pretty incendiary letter and it has hurt you very deeply.  I think it's pretty obvious that this has all of the markers to blow up in all kinds of awful, random ways. It could easily bleed out at the worst time and in ugly akward ways.

    This isn't going to get behind you until and unless she is sincerely sorry for it.  You have every right to say that you are shocked and hurt and feel foolish for being so kind to her while she was being so ugly to you.  She may deny, justify or stammer but that's not your problem to solve.  She has broken your trust and as such you will have a guarded and distant relationship. 

    "Don't tell her" isn't a really good stragetgy to keep you from knowing that she badmouthed you.  She wrote it down.  At least at one point in time she meant it.  And now its out.  Your hurt.  It's within her power to rebuild your relationship if she chooses.  If not, she'll get what she desgined.

    I wouldn't leave it to chance to let it get out.  I think you should plan it and remain calm and then leave the ball in her court to deal with the fallout.

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Sometimes you have to kill people with kindness. My MIL told people (my family, close friends and our pastor who married us) at our rehearsal dinner and reception, that our marriage would never work. She told my parents who are straight forward about everything that my husband could not handle me. Thankfully my Mom is quick on her game, because she told my MIL that my husband handles me just right.

     

    Even though I know these things and some other things she has said, I will not confront her. Why? If she knew half of the things I thought about her or half of things her own son thinks about her it would blow her mind. However, why waster your time. Unless you live with her then nine times out ten how often are you going to have to deal with her. As long as your husband has your back then you are all good. Confronting her will only make the problem worse. His family knows the real you and they love you for it. At the end your MIL will be the one that looks crazy, not you.

  • MY IL's wouldn't meet me up to 2 months before our wedding.  They are from India but live in the UK, my DH was born in London.  They said very, very hurtful things about me based on their views of white American women (movies, tv shows).  I let it go.  And after a few months of being married, being kind to them and my DH, they began to treat me differently...with love.  And now we get along.  It may just be that your MIL is not ready to let go of her son, that she heard something from someone else and felt it might be true...whatever it is, let it go and kill her with kindness.  Be as loving as you can.  Fake it until you make it.  Because then you never give her anything to fan the fire, and makes her look like the bad one in your DH's eyes.  My DH stood up to them like your's did and it really brought us together a lot more.  Best of luck.

    image
  • Agreed. Who cares what SHE thinks about you? Your husband married you because of the qualities HE saw in you. She is a two face. Now you now, and if I was you, I would see her only when I have to. No phone calls just to say hi, when she calls your husband, if you pick up, say hello, ask her how she's doing, then that's it. You don't have to be fake to her, which would be calling her mom and asking her to hang out. That's how my MIL is to her MIL who she talks about while she's in the next room. And I don't care for mine and do the absolute minimum to be cordial and respectful to her. I mean can you ignore her completely when you see her? Probably not. You are going to have to speak to her.  The lady has NO life to actually have to sit down and write a letter to her son about you. It appears like she's trying to break up your marriage. She can think all she wants about you, the keyword being THINK, but to go and write a Dear Abby letter about it...give me a break. Why do you need her approval? You don't. Is she God? Focus on the people in your life who love you and are there for you..not her...

  • imageKaren2905:
    imageMrsEastCoast:

    After finding out about this I dont even want to have a relationship w her.. do you think thats wrong? I have to deal w her for the rest of my life.. and she will always be important to my hubby.. what to do?!!

    I have not confronted her yet, I plan on doing that next time we have a heart to heart..(I am hoping to confront her in a nice/polite way- if there is such a thing..)

     

    No you're not wrong - you're right to feel hurt.  I would not recommend confronting her.  She will likely deny it, and it will do nothing but cause drama.  Just keep yourself distant from her and don't really go out of your way to do anything for her.  

    I hope your husband will back you up in this.  What did he say when she confronted him?

    Yes!!!

  • imageMrsEastCoast:

    You know.. I am more upset about the fact that she tried to break up my marriage than any of the things she said <she did say more harsh things that I feel embarrassed to include>. I guess Its better to know now than to keep being overly nice to her..

    I dont expect her to like me and I guess I have accepted the fact that she is always going to say *** about me..  what bothers me most is that she backstabbed me

    At the end of the day, as a mother, she was trying to protect her son from doing something she saw as a mistake. 

     

    imageimageimage
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