May 2010 Weddings
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Would this bother you?

I sort of feel like I'm being immature and selfish, but I'm a little bit upset that my mom never gave us a wedding gift. Not even a card. All she gave us was a facebook message chewing me out about not remembering to set out my aunt's mints at the reception (I wasn't even in charge of setting up the reception, I was busy getting married).

I know she doesn't have a lot of money, but she could have at least gave us a card (or not freaked out about mints).  People have asked what she got us and are completely shocked that we only got a nasty facebook message.
I think I'm mostly upset by how she needs to dampen every happy moment of my life.

Would this upset you, or am I just being selfish and whiny? 

Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Would this bother you?

  • Well, if people are shocked that you only got a nasty fb message it's because that's what you told them.  And anyways, it doesn't matter what others think.  To be completely honest, the fb thing is kinda petty and I'd just let that go.

    Should she have gotten you something?  Would've been nice but even you admit that she doesn't have a lot of money.  A card? Probably and even leaning more towards definitely.  But she didn't.

    If you're that upset, talk to her about it.  I get that it hurts your feelings, but I personally don't think it's anything to stay bent out of shape about. 



    The Benhams: Married May 1st, 2010! Anniversary
  • image AshleyanneB:
    Well, if people are shocked that you only got a nasty fb message it's because that's what you told them.  

     This is kind of what I first thought, too.  My mom lives on a very small monthly budget, and she does what she can for me, my HH & my kids.  I can't see that I would EVER tell my friends that she didn't get me a gift.  Honestly, she helped so much with our wedding, planning, and watching my 3 kids for our honyemoon, I think even if she didn't get us anything (which she did), when ppl asked what she got us, I'd still say something like, "She kept my crazy kids for a week so we could go galavanting around a 5 star resort!  That was the best gift of all!"  LOL

    However, I really don't know your relationship with your mom.  It sounds like it's a bit different than mine & my mom's.  So I can't really comment on it like that, I guess.

    In all honesty, I probably would just let it go.  The wedding's over.  Everything that anyone/everyone was stressed about for the wedding & planning is done & gone, no need to hold on to that kind of a grudge, IMO. 

    I think that the saying, "Kill them with kindess" speaks volumes, and works on most people I can think of.  Basically, even though you feel slighted because of the comments she's making about the mints, and by not getting a gift (which, sorry if this sounds harsh, I think that is a tad bit selfish...) if she did anything to help you in your wedding planning, I'd just make sure she knows you appreciate all she did for you & your hubby. 

    I know our wedding would NEVER have turned out the fantastic way it did if it weren't for all the people who pitched in.  I have thanked them all so much.  They all would never doubt how appreciative I am of them for helping.  And for those who couldn't afford to grace us with a gift, their presence at the celebration of our new beginning was more than enough!

    Matt & Tina
    Married May 1st, 2010

    wedding planning
  • She didn't help with anything for the wedding. What she did do was argued with me about every decision I made and tried to made me feel guilty about not inviting so-and-so. During the planning, I just wanted to elope so she would stop fighting me. It's a long story. She gave me no support whatsoever.

    The gift thing didn't really bother me until I was talking to my grandma and she was complaining about how my mom wastes every cent she has. She was complaining about how right after the wedding, my mom took my sister and 4 of her friends to a water park and paid for all of them and then a night in a hotel. I guess that I was just a little offended that she spends tons of money on my sister and no so much as a card or a friendly note on a piece of scratch paper for my husband and I. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • mbf124mbf124 member

    my parents didn't give us a gift either...their gift was paying for most of the wedding, which i totally understand.  sounds like your parents didn't do that for you, though...maybe she will get around to it?

     If it's any consolation, my maid of honor, who is my sister, didn't give us a gift.  I was upset about it, but then I realized, I can't control other people, so why waste the energy? 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker BabyFetus Ticker
  • I am in kind of the same situation...except it was my dad. My mom who did help pay for some of the wedding still bought me a sweet locket and wrote my HH and I very heart-felt notes on our wedding day. My dad...who did not help with the wedding at all didnt even get us a card. And again, he is struggling somewhat financially but he still spends money on ridiculous things like concerts, plays, or he is always showing off some new gadget. So it did hurt my feelings that he feels he can spend money on immaterial objects but couldnt even take the time to write my HH and I a note for our wedding. I totally get where you are coming from.


    However, until now I have only shared this with my mom. I don't really see it as other people's business.  Then again, I haven't had people specifically ask me what my dad got me for my wedding. I say let it go and move on from it. Nothing you can do about it now.

  • I can see why it would bug you, but I'm afraid that this is just one of those situations where you need to try to let it go. Not everyone realizes how much a card or note can mean to other people (case in point: my extremely unsentimental family).

    I think that what's really bothering you is your mom's general attitude and unhelpfulness throughout the whole wedding process. It's not so much the lack of gift/card; that's just a concrete action to pin all of the other stuff on. I know that's how I feel about my MIL. Was it soooooo awful that she wore what she wore to the wedding? No. Is she a complete nightmare each and every day, and is she completely obsessed with herself to the point where she deliberately tries to hurt her children so she can feel superior? Yes. But you can't quite put your finger on those thousands of little things that add up and make you angry and break your heart-- or, if you can, they're each so tiny on their own that you feel stupid. So she does something that you can actually point to, and all of that other crap gets attached and makes it seem like a bigger deal.

    Or maybe I'm just projecting. :) Anyway... I think that, for your own sanity, you need to try to say "This bothers me, and I'll never be happy about it, but it's over and done and I'm going to box it up and leave it in the past." And then leave it there as best you can.

  • I guess I'm not sure why people are asking you what she got you for a wedding gift - that seems very tactless to me. I would never ask anyone, "What did your parents / mom / dad give you for a wedding gift?"

    You said you feels like she needs to dampen every happy moment of your I'm guessing her negativity and lack of enthusiasm, it seems, are not new behaviors for her? In that case, I think it must be "par for the course' so to speak, and not entirely out of left field...but I can certainly see why it would be hurtful to you to not have your mother be more supportive of you with regard to the wedding.

    I think it sounds like you have to accept her for how she is and let it go rather than hang on to the anger / resentment.  You're married now. Look at your husband and enjoy the new family of your own you've created and find happiness in that. People can only affect you as much as you let them.


    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • image Kelly5110:

    I think that what's really bothering you is your mom's general attitude and unhelpfulness throughout the whole wedding process.

     I think this pretty much sums it up.  I guess I just needed to do a little mom venting and now move on with my life.  

    The reason people have asked me about what my mom got me was because she's been known in the past to give weird gifts.  For my 21st  birthday, she gave me a laminator and a bathroom scale and for Christmas she gave my husband what looked like a used stocking cap with a logo from the company she works for. I didn't know her company even had stocking caps.

    Thanks for listening to me!  I'm glad some of you know were I'm coming from. It's good to vent even though it's a silly small little issue. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • image Kelly5110:

    I can see why it would bug you, but I'm afraid that this is just one of those situations where you need to try to let it go. Not everyone realizes how much a card or note can mean to other people (case in point: my extremely unsentimental family).

    This. And from the way it sounds, I don't think I would be surprised that she didn't give you anything (even a card). But I do understand the hurt that you fee regardless.  And I also agree with the other PP that said I don't understand why people would even ask what your mother got you as a wedding gift.  It's just no one's business in my opinion.  I don't think anyone has asked us about what we received from ANYONE.

    Unfortunately... I think you do just need to let this one go.  

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • not to sound harsh but grow up and get over it! you are an adult and married woman, you don't get to have a pity party over not getting a present anymore.

    if its her attitude that is bothering you then that is another issue and you need to analyze what you hope to accomplish before addressing it with her. my guess is if she has always been like that then you should just let it go.  


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