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Advice?

Hello,

I am a first time poster but long time reader. Me and my wife are going through some things and I am curious if anyone else has been through this, or has any good advice for me. I want to start out by saying that I love my wife very much. We have been maried for 2 years and were together for roughly 2 years before that. We do not fight, or argue and generally spend alot of time together. I am happy with our life in general. Lately there has been a diconnect between us. We do not have sex very often and I feel a general lack of effection from my wife. This in turn makes me try harder which is only pushing her farther away. This weekend she told me that She loves me but is not sure if she is still in love with me. After many hours and hours of talking about what to do next I came to the conclusion that we both need to be in the relationship for the same reasons and at the same level or there is no point in continueing it. I gave her the choice to say "yes" and we stay together and work out the issues or "no" in which I would leave and we would most likely get a divorce. Thank god she said yes. I really did not want to lose my wife when I am still very much in love with her. I am still pretty scared by the situation and am havign a hard time thinking of anything else.

My wife is under alot of stress and I think she is depressed. We are only a couple months past a misscarriage and there are a few other things that are generally bringing her down. I want to help her, I want her to go talk to someone, I want us to go to counceling and get help with our marriage. I am hoping that this is just a phase and it will pass and we can go back to beign the loving couple we have always been.  I know there is no answer to why this is happening that anyone can give me, my wife included. I am just looking for any kind of advice or help that anyone who has been through this can offer.

 Thanks,

Re: Advice?

  • It sounds like you and your wife are going through some hard times, and it's normal for relationships to struggle when life gets in the way.  You said you want to go to counseling.  I think this is a wonderful idea.  Will she go?
  • She has told me that she is willign to go talk to someone alone, but she does not want to go to a couples counseling. I think it would help but I don't want to force the issure or make a demand that we go. I am tryign to be her firned and give her a little space and hope that it is enough for her to get her spark back for me.
  • Definitely counseling.  It just sounds like a rough patch and the miscarriage doesn't help.
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  • image nkollross:
    She has told me that she is willign to go talk to someone alone, but she does not want to go to a couples counseling.

     

    Did she say why?

  • If she is willing to go to counseling alone and not yet ready for marital counseling, then let her make this first step and give her a bit of time to agree to joint counseling.

    You say that you aren't having sex very often, which to me would seem like a pretty normal reaction after having a MC. I would just want to feel supported and loved first - like snuggling on the couch, back rubs, etc, before I would even really think of sex.

    It's hard to bounce back quickly from a rough patch, so don't be too hard on yourself. GL

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • yes in a way. She says that there is nothing wrong with me, and that it is just her with the problem. It has been like that lately, she tells me that she does not deserve me... because of how she is treating me. I tell her that she does. I think we need to talk to someone together because it is effecting both of us.
  • image nkollross:
    yes in a way. She says that there is nothing wrong with me, and that it is just her with the problem. It has been like that lately, she tells me that she does not deserve me... because of how she is treating me. I tell her that she does. I think we need to talk to someone together because it is effecting both of us.

    Then I agree with Zest.  Encourage her to go to counseling on her own to start.  

  • image nkollross:
    yes in a way. She says that there is nothing wrong with me, and that it is just her with the problem. It has been like that lately, she tells me that she does not deserve me... because of how she is treating me. I tell her that she does. I think we need to talk to someone together because it is effecting both of us.

    It sounds like you are right about her being depressed.  I was there a couple of years ago and saying the same type of thing to my husband.  I am so fortunate he stood by me through a horribly dark time and she's fortunate you are standing by her.

    She needs to start seeing a therapist, sooner than later.  Give her some time with the individual counseling, then bring up the subject of marriage counseling again.

    In the mean time if you need an outlet, see a therapist yourself.  Good luck to you, I'm sorry you are going through this.

  • I agree with pps - have her go to individual counseling and begin working through her issues. Her counselor may even suggest you sit in on a session or two to discuss your marriage issues, after she has made progress.  And, I agree that after a m/c, I would need support and love, but not likely be in the mood for sex, even after several weeks. 

    Kudos to you for recognizing you have a problem, discussing it with your wife and wanting to address it. Sounds like you are taking the correct approach.  Keep being supportive and loving.

  • I just want to say one thing: pestering for sex is annoying at any time.  I get wanting it, it's important in a marriage.  pestering for sex after a miscarriage - even one a couple months in the past - is really sucky.

    I know it's how men feel loved and validated - I get that, I do.  But honestly, i cannot imagine the agony of losing a desperately wanted baby (and I have one, so I know what it's like to lcarry a child) when I was carrying it.  Devastating is an understatement.

    It does sound like she's depressed, and I think it's important to go to counselling - if she needs to go alone, fine.  Let her.  Give her time and space  But the sex demands need to stop.  Hold her, rub her back, but stop pushing.  If my DH was pestering me for sex when I was in such a bad place that I could barely take care of my own needs, that would be a huge turnoff. 

    I'm sorry things are so hard, but this is one of those 'for worse' things that the marriage vows talk about, so I hope you can give her the time and space she needs to grieve.

     

  • I understand what you are saying. Even before the MC I was generally the one wanting to have sex.... and I will admit to probably pestering her about it. I do realize that now.. and me and my wife have talked about it and I am not pestering for sex. I know this is a hard time for her, I think it may be harder on her than even she realizes. One thing I never do, or have done is demand sex. That does not happen in our relationship. I love and respect my wife. I think talking to someone alone will actually be helpful to her, and I hope she goes. Then she can talk about stuff unrelated to our marriage as well. The biggest problem I am having with this is her actions are making me feel insecure... which does not help. It's not the sex, it is the affection. I know I need to be strong and support her. I just want to make it through this time with a little sanity left for myself as well. 
  • It's much easier to be supportive if you have a way to outlet your own stress.

    Can you encourage her to do something fun with her friends one night a week - wine tasting, pedis with ladies, etc...and you get to go to a sports bar with the guys (or whatever) ?

    Individual counseling and possible depression treatment will go along way, but it's great to have little things to help out and look forward to during the journey.

     

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • Someone gave me some advice once that helped me.  I was told that when you go through the low points in your marriage when you feel like you aren't in love, pour yourself more into your spouse and go the extra mile to make yourself be affectionate.  You love what you invest yourself in, which should be your spouse.. even if you don't feel like it.  Also, I really enjoyed the book, The Love Dare.  I personally believe it's great for struggling couples but also happily married ones.
  • I think you should go to individual counseling because there seems to be a lot going on beneath the surface. You state that she was this way before the miscarriage. I'm sure the miscarriage didn't help, but there seems to be some other issues going on. I find it interesting that she doesn't want to go to couseling with you also. Especially if your marraige is on the line. Don't sacrifice your sanity. I think you should definitely get counseling for yourself so that you're in a better place, which can only help your wife as well. Good luck.
  • image nkollross:
    I understand what you are saying. Even before the MC I was generally the one wanting to have sex.... and I will admit to probably pestering her about it. I do realize that now.. and me and my wife have talked about it and I am not pestering for sex. I know this is a hard time for her, I think it may be harder on her than even she realizes. One thing I never do, or have done is demand sex. That does not happen in our relationship. I love and respect my wife. I think talking to someone alone will actually be helpful to her, and I hope she goes. Then she can talk about stuff unrelated to our marriage as well. The biggest problem I am having with this is her actions are making me feel insecure... which does not help. It's not the sex, it is the affection. I know I need to be strong and support her. I just want to make it through this time with a little sanity left for myself as well. 

    Just so you realize pestering = a type of demand.  It's not 'spread your legs, dammit!' but it is a bit of 'you are my spouse, and I want some and that's your job'.  Which isn't exactly romantic under the best of circumstances, under yours it probably is a huge disincentive. 

    That said, she clearly has issues, and I think individual counselling for her, as well as perhaps some for you as well would be good.  If a few months of hardship is making you question whether you can have intact sanity then I think some time in therapy might benefit you both. 

  • I think if she wants to go to counseling herself, then let her. Maybe there is something there that needs to be worked out - and it probably has nothing to do with you. Just try to be supportive and things will work themselves out. Good Luck :)
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