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help me help a friend

A GF of mine is dating a very nice man. However, he has had a few more parnters than her in the past. She made the mistake of asking him if she was his BEST SEX ever and he said no.

 Now she is sad - She knows that she is being over the top but now cant stop comparing herself to his previous parenters. I don't know how to help her.

How do you not let your partner's previous experiences and sexual partners bother you?

I have never had an issue like this since I dont like to know his past for just this reason. So I have no clue how to give her advice.

I tried telling her to better her sex life with him and blow his socks off but it just made her cry more :s

Thanks!

Re: help me help a friend

  • honestly he cant be that nice of a guy to be that blunt about it, or he just doesn't care about hurting her. if she wants to know what the girl did to make it the best sex he ever had then she just needs to ask. maybe then she will can do something along the same lines and be the best. If it was me i would never have asked like that. i have asked my FI what other girls have done different but that as far as i would have gone.
  • To davessamantha, Guys are guys, they'll be honest if you ask them to be, even if it might hurt your feelings.  Her guy probably didn't dream that she'd react the way she did.

    To the op, I'd agree about having her figure out better what he likes, though right now she seems too upset to ask him herself.  If it's not to uncomfortable for you to talk to the guy about it, I'd tell him how upset his girlfriend is (he probably doesn't know) and ask him to help her feel better about it. I'm really not sure how else to help her - it sounds like her self-esteem and worth as a girlfriend is wrapped up in how good she is in bed, which is kind of silly.  Different guys like different things, and if you don't ask your guy what he likes, or if he never tells you, then you'll never be able to be the best he's had without blind luck.  Sex is important, and having sexual compatibility is important, but as long as what you do is enjoyable, I don't think that you have to be the best a guy has ever had.  If she's really worried about it, then she should talk to her guy and work on figuring out how to perfect her technique, which it sounds like she isn't quite ready to do.

  • image strawb3rry:

    To davessamantha, Guys are guys, they'll be honest if you ask them to be, even if it might hurt your feelings.  Her guy probably didn't dream that she'd react the way she did.

     

    maybe but some guys like my fiance are to soft and would be afraid to hurt her feelings. so i agree let her wait it out a couple of days and then try to have her talk to him about it. then again i just asked him and he said i was his best so idk i doubt im his best since im not that experienced in the bedroom area but when we started dating seriously i did asked what other girls had done to try and get a grasp on what he was going to expect.

    hope all get well in time with your friend
  • kjewellkjewell member

    DH was my first, I was not his.  At first it really bothered me but now I don't really think about it.  Whoever he was with before me doesn't matter because he is only with me now---foreverStick out tongue.

    HOnestly his guy seems like kind of a jerk to be so blunt if so one asks you that you should at least soften the blow.  However I have a rule I live by after getting some info I didn't like.

     

    Never ask a question if you don't want to know the answer.

    "You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."
  • a couple things:

    -She's an idiot for asking that question, and he's an idiot for not lying and saying "yes"....it's like the whole "do I look fat in this dress" thing.

    -Did she have sex before this guy? Did she enjoy it then? Usually people have different sexual experiences, I've had awesome sex before H but that doesn't mean that I want to have sex with them again.

    -She either needs to get over it, leave him, or talk to him about what he likes and what he doesn't like....it can be fun exploring and getting to know each other

  • image Lil'BlackDress:

    a couple things:

    -She's an idiot for asking that question, and he's an idiot for not lying and saying "yes"....it's like the whole "do I look fat in this dress" thing.

    Yep.  Bad idea all around.

    Sounds like your friend has a lot of insecurity about this relationship to even ask a question like that in the first place  -women who know they're hot never ask if this dress makes them look fat.   I think that's the root of the issue. 

    If she can't be with someone who has had other sexual partners, she needs to stop dating men who have had other sexual partners.  You're allowed to be as choosy as you want in choosing a mate.

    And come on, crying about what he said?  I think she's taking this whole thing way too seriously.  Oh, and he sounds like a bit of a douche as well.  I say "shut it down" both to this relationship and to her dating anyone until she gets some more self-confidence.

  • image OMG Guinea Pigs!!:
    image Lil'BlackDress:

    a couple things:

    -She's an idiot for asking that question, and he's an idiot for not lying and saying "yes"....it's like the whole "do I look fat in this dress" thing.

    Yep.  Bad idea all around.

    Sounds like your friend has a lot of insecurity about this relationship to even ask a question like that in the first place  -women who know they're hot never ask if this dress makes them look fat.   I think that's the root of the issue. 

    If she can't be with someone who has had other sexual partners, she needs to stop dating men who have had other sexual partners.  You're allowed to be as choosy as you want in choosing a mate.

    And come on, crying about what he said?  I think she's taking this whole thing way too seriously.  Oh, and he sounds like a bit of a douche as well.  I say "shut it down" both to this relationship and to her dating anyone until she gets some more self-confidence.

    Ditto to LBD and OMG.

    Sounds like she is just fishing for compliments and whining when it doesn't go her way. Not terribly mature.

    Hope is not a strategy.
  • image Lil'BlackDress:

    a couple things:

    -She's an idiot for asking that question, and he's an idiot for not lying and saying "yes"....it's like the whole "do I look fat in this dress" thing.

    -Did she have sex before this guy? Did she enjoy it then? Usually people have different sexual experiences, I've had awesome sex before H but that doesn't mean that I want to have sex with them again.

    -She either needs to get over it, leave him, or talk to him about what he likes and what he doesn't like....it can be fun exploring and getting to know each other

     

    This. Could hardly have said it better. Your friend is going to have to suck it up, talk to him about it or move on. End of story. This is, in my opinion a very stupid thing to worry about (though I'm sure you've told her this).

  • image Lil'BlackDress:

    -She either needs to get over it, leave him, or talk to him about what he likes and what he doesn't like....it can be fun exploring and getting to know each other

    Geez, people sure are quick to stomp off around here.

    ANYWAYS, not that I would do such a thing, but I wonder if this guy said it simply to get his lady to be a bit more open-minded or eager in the bedroom, rather than because it was true.

    I'd tell the friend to chill out. Even if she's not the best sex he's ever had, she's the best sex he's having now. If she's really worried, she should ask him what moves he would like to see and vice versa. 

  • image NoNotTufts:
    image Lil'BlackDress:

    -She either needs to get over it, leave him, or talk to him about what he likes and what he doesn't like....it can be fun exploring and getting to know each other

    Geez, people sure are quick to stomp off around here.

    Dude, they're dating.  So what?  Relationships aren't these precious things you have to bust a$$ to work at - in fact, that's usually the sign of a pretty bad one.

    Keep the "working through it" to marriages.  You're allowed to dump a BF/GF for any reason at all, and you're better off doing so than trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

  • My husband was up front with me. He had been with more than a few women before me. I knew about his past and it didn't bother me. I looked at it as a learning experience. He was able to fill in the blanks for me, so to speak. I knew for a fact that I wasn't "mind blowing" when my husband and I started sleeping together, he knew I was pretty inexperienced. The combination of the two lead to fantastic sex. He looked at it as an opportunity to take charge, which to me is super hot. It sounds like she is insecure in her relationship with him.

    As for you...don't say anything. Let them figure it out. Be there, listen, and think before you speak.

  • image bubblygirl21:

    My husband was up front with me. He had been with more than a few women before me. I knew about his past and it didn't bother me. I looked at it as a learning experience. He was able to fill in the blanks for me, so to speak. I knew for a fact that I wasn't "mind blowing" when my husband and I started sleeping together, he knew I was pretty inexperienced. The combination of the two lead to fantastic sex. He looked at it as an opportunity to take charge, which to me is super hot. It sounds like she is insecure in her relationship with him.

    As for you...don't say anything. Let them figure it out. Be there, listen, and think before you speak.

    I agree if she keeps having people help her then she will never stand up on her own just be a friend and listen!

    Hope it works out for them.

  • I think that's one of those questions that, if you have to ask, you're most likely not going to be happy with the answer.  (And, depending on the relationship and the delivery, the answer could have been pretty darned douche-y, too.)

    DH was my first, but I wasn't his.  So I knew that, at first, I wasn't going to be topping the "Greatest Hits" chart.  But I also knew that I was in it for the long haul, so I concentrated on figuring out what worked for us.  Now I don't need to ask because I know that I'm the one who rocks his world and wakes him up with blowjobs.

    In your shoes, I would stay the hell out of it while helping my friend boost her self-confidence so that in the future, she doesn't feel the need to ask.

    When it's all said and done, what matters most is your relationships with other people; without good friends and family, what's the point?
    My Cooking Blog
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  • She needs to Believe in her self...and Get her confidence and sexy back! She needs to know that she is Hott and none of his ex's will ever compare to her...whether he said they were better than her or not. She should never compare herself with other people...tell her there will never be another her in his life, soooo she needs not to compare herself with anybody else...everybody is different...she shouldn't give it to him for a while...maybe like a month or two...than when she does...where some outrageously sexy lingerie...and blow his mind!
  • image NoNotTufts:
    image Lil'BlackDress:

    -She either needs to get over it, leave him, or talk to him about what he likes and what he doesn't like....it can be fun exploring and getting to know each other

    Geez, people sure are quick to stomp off around here.

    ANYWAYS, not that I would do such a thing, but I wonder if this guy said it simply to get his lady to be a bit more open-minded or eager in the bedroom, rather than because it was true.

    I'd tell the friend to chill out. Even if she's not the best sex he's ever had, she's the best sex he's having now. If she's really worried, she should ask him what moves he would like to see and vice versa. 

     

    I agree...she is the best sex that he is having now...assuming he is only having sex with her. I have had more partners than my hubby, and I was his first...and Thanking God! He is the Best I have ever had! So it depends on the couple...communication...and the sexual vibe between them. She definitely should get her confidence back...and love herself and look in the mirror and say to herself "I am damn sexy and good!" She needs to see that its his loss if he loses her...and its his blessing that she is giving it up to him in the first place!

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