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Am I out of line, here? (LONG, VENT)

My ex-husband and I came to the conclusion that we wanted to end our marriage last June.


We told our families about our plans to divorce in December.


In March, I received an email from my former MIL, asking about my current relationship and demanding that she still see her granddaughter (my daughter) regularly. I politely told her that my relationship status was really none of her business, but that I am always thinking of my daughter's safety and well-being first and foremost, and that she need not worry about that. I also reassured her that I would never intentionally cut her out of my daughter's life. (My own mother passed away in 2007, the day before I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter -- Why would I stop her from seeing her grandparents who ARE still alive? Especially since my former MIL and I always got along when my ex and I were married. But that's a different rant, for a different day.)


My former MIL and I have smoothed things over, and we get along as well, now, as we ever did.


However, because of the email from my former MIL, I sent an email to my ex-husband's brother and sister, asking them to please not discuss what was happening in regards to my divorce, because it has nothing to do with them.


From that email, I received a nasty reply from my former SIL. This resulted in my sending an email back to her (not a nasty one, just an email). One of the points that she made in one of her emails was that my ex and I had "hidden" our divorce from his family for six months, and that was akin to seeing notes of congratulations, notes about doctor appointments, etc. on her Facebook profile for months and her finally revealing that she is pregnant by saying "oh, by the way, I'm seven months pregnant" or "oh, by the way, we have another kid, now." I pointed out to her that comparing a pregnancy and a divorce is like comparing apples and oranges. We sent a couple more emails back and forth, ultimately smoothing things over as well as I think they're ever going to be, and she and I haven't spoken since.


I never got a reply to my original email from my former BIL, but it is my understanding (from what my ex's sister told me) that he was "egging her on" and that he hadn't sent a response because she had so well articulated the things that he wanted to say.


This all happened back in March. Fast forward to last Wednesday: My ex's sister announced that she is, in fact, expecting another child (her daughter is almost 7). Her due date is at the beginning of December. This would mean that she either was already pregnant when she sent those emails, or that she got pregnant shortly after sending them.


Wednesday night, I was jealous (because I would like to have another child, but it doesn't seem like it's in the cards for me). Thursday morning, the jealousy had faded and I was livid.


So I ask: Am I out of line for feeling the way that I feel, given that she did not announce her pregnancy immediately, as she expected us to have done with our divorce? I know that I should just let it go and, for the most part, I have, but I still feel the slightest twinge of wanting to send my former SIL an email congratulating her on her pregnancy and telling her what a shame it is that she's such a hypocrite.


And I'm done venting, now.

~*~ Risa ~*~
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Re: Am I out of line, here? (LONG, VENT)

  • This is your ex-SIL. Why are you still communicating? She is not your family and owes you nothing.
    image
  • edited August 2013
  • edited August 2013
  • I can see how you might think that, but I think that you're being unnecessarily judgmental, given that I haven't given all of the facts surrounding what caused the initial email from my former MIL. Basically, what it boils down to is that my ex's entire family is trying to have a say in when and how our divorce goes down, what happens with custody of our daughter, and a lot of other things that they have no business weighing in on. It was NOT out of line for me to email my former BIL and SIL. My email to them was cordial and straightforward, simply asking them to avoid talking about the situation. And I hadn't cleared things up with my former MIL prior to sending it.

    Also, in regard to your comment about whether or not I will have another child: You have no idea who I am or what my circumstances are. How do you know that I don't have a medical condition that will prevent me from having another child?

    And my former SIL announced her pregnancy with her older daughter immediately upon finding out that she was pregnant. Why would she wait this time around? And I know that she's already seen the doctor at least twice, so there's no way that she just found out.

    Before casting judgment, why not ask for clarification?

    ~*~ Risa ~*~
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • We only know what you tell us, so when you say things like, "Having another child is not in the cards for me," right after you talk about getting divorced and you're 25 years old, it seems like you're saying you're never going to have another child because you're child bearing life is over along with your marriage. Don't be so quick to jump at people, or you're not going to get any good advice. Moving on.

    Yes, you're out of line. Frankly, your ex-SIL does not owe you anything just like you do not owe her anything. You were under no obligation to discuss your divorce any sooner than you wanted to. I don't really even care why you did not tell them for six months; the fact is that you did not have to tell them. In a family, even a very close family, people have the right to share news (good or bad) at their own pace. 

    These people are your ex-family now. They will have a role in your daughter's life, yes, but that doesn't mean you're going to have an active role in their lives. No more emails, no more drama. Just walk away and be done with it. This family is only going to have as much of a role in your life/divorce as you let them, and as long as you keep getting involved in all this drama that role is going to be larger and larger. 

  • I haven't spoken to my ex-SIL since the final email. I have no desire or intention to.

    In fact, the only member of his family who I still speak to is my ex-MIL, because she and I were very close, and we both agree that we don't want to lose that, especially since I don't have my own mom.

    I don't think that it sounded like I was saying that my child-bearing years are over with my marriage, just like I don't think that it's in the cards for me to have another child. Am I jealous of my ex-SIL? Yes. Am I jealous of everyone else I know who's having a baby? Absolutely. Is it something that I see for myself? Not so much. I've pretty much gotten over it, as I mentioned.

    I guess what I was just looking for was for someone to tell me that yeah, I am justified in being a little bit jealous, and being a tad upset, because she tried to blame ME for the fact that his family didn't find out until December, rather than blaming him or his mother (both of whom had a hand in no one finding out), and then keeping something like this from everyone, after she's the one who drew the comparison.

    I just think that her behavior was kind of hypocritical.

    ~*~ Risa ~*~
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • Jealousy...as you admitted you feel, has its way of manifesting in alot of ways, and possibly causing you to grasp at straws that would give you a reason to send a not so nice email. Let it go and just look forward to the day when you are pregnant again, just because it may not seem feesable now, doesnt mean that its not going to happen. If you have a medical condition then enjoy the blessing that you have been given.

     Good luck.

  • So basically you came here looking for people to tell you, you were right and they were/are wrong.  But when you get the opposite you get defense and start making excuses to why you did what you did. So why ask if you are out of line when you clearly know you are, just to get defensive and make a even bigger fool of yourself.

    BTW most people do not announce a pregnancy until 3months in because of the possibility of miscarriages. Why tell everyone and heaven forbid have to tell about the loss of a baby.

    I think you need to grow up.

     

    (I am sorry to the regulars of this board, I do not post often but I lurk. But this just rubbed me the wrong way and had to say something.

  • image isthsmydestny:

    However, because of the email from my former MIL,I sent an email to my ex-husband's brother and sister, asking them to pleasenot discuss what was happening in regards to my divorce, because it has nothingto do with them.

    Yes, you are out of line. There was absolutely no reason to email your ex-bil and ex-sil. You have no control over what they talk about.

    Let go of everything else and move on. Oh, and consider growing up.  

  • I don't even u nderstand why you emailed them in the first place.  Then,  you'r getting mad at her for how she handled herself in an EMAIL fight.  Really? 

    Oy.  And you even admit, she might have gotten PG right after this all happened.  So- there is a very good chance she actually isn't being a hypocrit.  But you're "livid" over this.

    Drama queen!!!!!!!

    You don't owe her anything, and she doesn't owe you anything.  It's ridiculous to be "livid" over this.

    ANd it's ridiculous to act like your barren when you're simply 25 and getting divorced.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image isthsmydestny:

    I haven't spoken to my ex-SIL since the final email. I have no desire or intention to.

    In fact, the only member of his family who I still speak to is my ex-MIL, because she and I were very close, and we both agree that we don't want to lose that, especially since I don't have my own mom.

    I don't think that it sounded like I was saying that my child-bearing years are over with my marriage, just like I don't think that it's in the cards for me to have another child. Am I jealous of my ex-SIL? Yes. Am I jealous of everyone else I know who's having a baby? Absolutely. Is it something that I see for myself? Not so much. I've pretty much gotten over it, as I mentioned.

    I guess what I was just looking for was for someone to tell me that yeah, I am justified in being a little bit jealous, and being a tad upset, because she tried to blame ME for the fact that his family didn't find out until December, rather than blaming him or his mother (both of whom had a hand in no one finding out), and then keeping something like this from everyone, after she's the one who drew the comparison.

    I just think that her behavior was kind of hypocritical.

    Oh, FFS, if you don't want actual advice, don't post here. It's a message board. Of course people are judgmental. Also, we can only go off of the information you provide, though no new information changes my opinion. If you don't want them involved in your divorce, then ignore them. Your ex can ask for advice from his family all he wants. If he doesn't want their advice, it's on him to deal with them, not you.

    Her behavior is not hypocriticial. Perhaps the reason she didn't tell anyone is because she is older and wiser. The majority of people don't tell before the 3-month mark. Maybe she felt that you were dishonest with her. Afterall, her brother is always her brother and her mother is always her mother but you have not always been her sister and will not always be her sister. Maybe she felt like you mislead her. We have no way to know. No matter the reason, though, it wasn't your place to get involved.

    Sorry you don't like the opinions you are getting.

    image
  • Wait, did you change you mind?  Did she convince you that you should have immediately told family and friends that you had decided to divorce?

    Otherwise, I don't get it.  You're making it sound like you don't understand why a person would wait a bit to share such personal and unpredictable news.  You even stated that she has WAITED to make such announcements in the past.  Do you now think you were wrong?  Do you?

    Other people felt privy to the very personal and troubling details of your marriage ... so what?  They don't GET them.  They even get told that they don't get them.  Is it such a shock that those very same people don't expect the same transparency ion their own lives?  Not really, becuase it's a ridiculous assumption.

    I don't get why you care.  You did what was right for you.  You announced when it was right for you.  You defended your decision to a person who wanted more disclosure than you wanted to give.  She proved your point when it came time to disclosing her own news. 

    Why is anything she is saying or doing getting to you?

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Oh, I forgot, you are jealous that she's pregnant.  That explains it.
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Let's not forget the fact that real live grown-up adults don't use email or text messaging or Facebook or what-the-hell-ever as a means of communication -- they actually *gasp* have a face-to-face (or phone-to-phone) conversation where they're actually speaking to each other.

    Novel idea, I know.

    Next time, try the grown-up approach.

    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Having these conversations by e-mail is cowardly and counter-productive
    image
  • Many people don't announce pregnancy until the second trimester. Sh*t happens, and if something goes wrong, you don't want to have to discuss it with everyone.

    Yes she was stupid for being mad at you for not announcing your divorce. I assume it wasn't finalized in June, but that you separated in June (otherwise I wonder why it was a "secret"). But you are acting just as silly being upset at her now. 

     Ever heard "2 wrongs don't make a right" This is one of those situations.

  • Any time there is a divorce, you are going to feel upset, especially when it comes to dealing with your former in-laws.  It doesn't matter who's right or wrong in this situation, it has already happened and it's over.  I think the best thing to do is stop communicating with his family.  They are always going to take your husband's side, so you're just setting yourself up for failure and for more upsets. 

    I have a sensitive question for you.  Does your MIL want to remain close with you or is she more interested in keeping ties because of your daughter?  I have a feeling that over time, you will become more distant with your MIL and your only interactions will be to drop off and pick up your daughter for visits.  It's just the natural progression of things after a divorce.  Good luck with everything.  I would recommend counseling to learn how to set boundaries with his family.

    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image isthsmydestny:

    I can see how you might think that, but I think that you're being unnecessarily judgmental, given that I haven't given all of the facts surrounding what caused the initial email from my former MIL. Basically, what it boils down to is that my ex's entire family is trying to have a say in when and how our divorce goes down, what happens with custody of our daughter, and a lot of other things that they have no business weighing in on.

     

    No, honey, that's not what's going on here.  What's going on is that your ex family has an opinion about the situation, and are probably a little mouthy, and you are feeling the need to defend yourself and stop them from talking about it at every turn.  You need to accept the decision that you and your ex made about how you handled the divorce, accept the fact that people are going to talk about it (likely behind your back), accept the fact that you can't stop that from happening, and accept the fact that you don't need to explain yourself to anyone. 

    You are too involved in these people's lives, and you are giving them too much power over yours.  Simply put, you need to stop.  Stop e-mailing, stop conversing, stop listening, stop caring.  Move on. 

  • Here's a thought, if they try to weigh in on the divorce, refer them to your ex and his lawyer.  And repeat.  They can do whatever they want, but all that matters is what happens in court and what the judge decides.  The only people the judge will hear from are you two and your lawyers.

    My guess is your ex shot them down with "mind your own business" and is ignoring their attempts to influence his divorce but you gave them what they wanted - a way into the middle.  Kick them back out. 

     

    And yes, despite your attempts to justify your actions, you were out of line. 

  • image isthsmydestny:
    I still feel the slightest twinge of wanting to send my former SIL an email congratulating her on her pregnancy and telling her what a shame it is that she's such a hypocrite.


    And this would solve what? 

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  • image isthsmydestny:
    I still feel the slightest twinge of wanting to send my former SIL an email congratulating her on her pregnancy and telling her what a shame it is that she's such a hypocrite.


    And this would solve what? 

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  • i dont mean this the wrong way but get a life already! why are you still cared/worried about what goes on in their lives. defriend her and anyone else in that family and move on. look at the time you're wasting on them-posting here, thinking about them, being jealous, being livid etc... move on already and stop this nonsense!!!!
    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
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