October 2009 Weddings
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Dealing with flake friend(s) (long, sorry)

This is long, I apologize. Considering I just answered the Monday post about going out with friends tonight you guys are going to assume I am the flake. Rest assured the friends.I am seeing tonight and the friends I am going to lament about are different.

 

The Mr has had this friend since middle school. They are pretty close, in fact when we got married this friend preformed our ceremony, this friend was to be the Mr?s best man but then we took our wedding in another direction. This friend is married and while we like his wife neither of us really get along with her that well. Not that we fight we just don?t have much in common to talk with her about when we are all hanging out in a group. She?s nice but very fanatic about things like weight, religion, having children. All respectable things but she takes it to an unbearable level when she brings them up. It?s all she ever talks about and it?s very hard to have a conversation with her that does not go in one of those directions. We?ve never discussed any of this with the friend and have never made ourselves ignorant toward her. We want to spend time with our friend so we?d never really bring up how we feel about her to him.

 

Lately though when we, as well as other friends of ours, have invited them out to various things they always saw yes initially then cancel at the last possible minute. For example we were all going camping this weekend and right up to the time I got off work they were in then suddenly as we were leaving town the Mr. gets a text from his friend stating they can?t make it anymore. This happens almost every time we ask them to do anything with the excuses being we?re sick, we?re tired, we have to go to bed early/get up early. It?s frustrating because I don?t know if it?s someway our fault. Have we kind of given away that it?s hard to be around her and they are angry at us, are they just pulling away from the group for themselves (in which case tell us! We?re all grown ups), is one or the other being controlling or are they truly just tired. It seems like excuses and maybe I am reading too much into it but we really miss having him around, it feels like something is missing when we are all together.

 

I guess I am wondering if we should do anything about it like talk to him even though I am not sure any of us want to do that nor do we think it will help. I really don?t expect an answer or solution but I need to get this out to someone outside of the situation.

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Re: Dealing with flake friend(s) (long, sorry)

  • image Witchys_Woman:

    I guess I am wondering if we should do anything about it like talk to him even though I am not sure any of us want to do that nor do we think it will help. I really don?t expect an answer or solution but I need to get this out to someone outside of the situation.

     

    Why don't you think talking to them will help?  Would you telling them that you're wondering if you've somehow pissed them off make them angry?  Would they just be passive about the whole situation (ie. "oh no, it's all fine...")?

  • Talk to him about how you don't like his wife or about them (as a unit) flaking off?
    Matt loves Munkii!!!
  • image Karen2905:
    image Witchys_Woman:

    I guess I am wondering if we should do anything about it like talk to him even though I am not sure any of us want to do that nor do we think it will help. I really don?t expect an answer or solution but I need to get this out to someone outside of the situation.

     

    Why don't you think talking to them will help?  Would you telling them that you're wondering if you've somehow pissed them off make them angry?  Would they just be passive about the whole situation (ie. "oh no, it's all fine...")?

    Exactly that. I mean if you don't want to be around us then that's fine but like I hate when people are so vague about it. Plus they are the type of people who wouldn't take it very well and probably become more upset.

    Photobucket
  • I'd just stop inviting them to things.
    Matt loves Munkii!!!
  • From what you said, I don't think you have done anything to explicitly express that it's hard to be around her or that you don't like her, but I definitely think it's possible she may have picked up a vibe that she wasn't totally "fitting in"

    For the sake of the friendship (since it sounds like he was a really good friend) I think you owe it to yourselves bring it up. I think what you said about how you miss them (him) is a great way to start. Maybe say something like "We really missed you the past few get-togethers, and it's so unlike you to cancel last minute [if that's true], is everything OK?" which would give them an opening to talk, without being too confrontational.

    And do you have an interest in getting to know the wife better? If so, bring that up too- it would make her feel welcomed and like you want her to be part of the group. But if you really have no interest in getting to know her better, it may be a lost cause.

  • image Witchys_Woman:
    image Karen2905:
     

    Why don't you think talking to them will help?  Would you telling them that you're wondering if you've somehow pissed them off make them angry?  Would they just be passive about the whole situation (ie. "oh no, it's all fine...")?

    Exactly that. I mean if you don't want to be around us then that's fine but like I hate when people are so vague about it. Plus they are the type of people who wouldn't take it very well and probably become more upset.

    Ooooo.... seriously, stuff like that gets my blood boiling.  You know, when you ask if something is wrong, and they get all pouty and say, "oh... it's nothing..."  I seriously want to smack those people. 

    I agree that you should sit down and try to bring up the canceling at the last minute thing.   It doesn't have to be anything more than, "We noticed ________________, and we feel like we've done something to upset you.  Have we?" If they pull the whole passive thing (like teenagers) leave the conversation with something like, "Well, you know there's an open door if you ever want to talk about anything...."

    Afterwards, keep inviting them to stuff, but know that they're good for flaking out at the last minute. 

  • Thanks guys, I really appreciate your advice. It's just hard knowing that this friend and The Mr. especially had this great friendship at one point that seems to be unravelling for no good reason. We'll try and get up the guts to casually mention it and hopefully it leads to something.

    As for the wife, I do feel like if we spent more time together we'd eventually get to a point of comfort with one another but it's hard to do when she truly only ever talks about the same 3 subjects. Maybe she doesn't know what else to talk to us about since we're a pretty alternative crowd but we'd be more then willing to be open to her if we had an in.

    Photobucket
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